Ray x Kuudere!Reader
[Angst/Borderline Fluff]
Requested by: @Yuzakura_Miu
Your theme is Lycoris Radiata by Spikes
Perfect posture, perfect grades, and perfect pitch. A perfect child for this house, Gracefield had only the finest of orphans. It was like you were born perfect. You had such fair skin, silky hair, and a plump body that was ripe for the picking. Not to mention your intelligence, you were a quick learner and always scored high marks during the tests. You were musically inclined and you had a talent for playing by ear; you would hear someone humming a tune and then you would know the note off the top of your head.
Isabella was incredible for raising such bright children, she must have felt so proud of herself. Raising orphans for slaughter was easier said than done. As a Mama, she had to cut off all feelings of love towards the cattle, that way she wouldn't feel as guilty when seeing them die in front of her eyes. Isabella was cold as ice, never hot-headed, forever faking any and every emotion whatsoever. Before, nothing could make her crack...
But she only noticed this now. It was the fire that began to melt the woman's cold nature. Right before her, was a sight she never wanted to see.
Isabella shut her eyes and leaned against the wall of the hallway, the opposite side from where you were sitting. The woman just couldn't bring herself to look away. She feels something in her chest ache, the soft tune coming from the music room was almost a complete repeat of her past. It was something she wished she never remembered.
Isabella recalled those times which seemed like centuries ago. Fingers plucking strings, guitar picks, a lullaby tune. She remembered feeling the gentle summer breeze touching the back of her neck whenever her hair was up in a braid. She remembered leaning against a tree, listening to the musician play for her and only her. His name had already been forgotten long ago.
Instead of a mandolin, it was a piano. Still a string instrument, but it wasn't the same, it didn't feel right. It made the woman feel uneasy as if a disaster would come after when the song would be finished. Isabella was saddened every time she heard you play, it was like the same tragedy repeating itself but it wasn't with her.
It was with her son.
The mere thought was enough to bring tears to her eyes. The woman glanced past the door frame, her hand over her chest because her heart was breaking from the sight. She saw you playing softly yet gracefully, your emotions were being poured out from every note you played as if you were expressing your secret suffering. She understood that very well.
It was a fairly old piece; Lacrimosa written by Mozart, you could play it with your eyes closed. Just by gently running your fingers over the black keys was enough for you to know where you were. You were never lost when it came to playing music, it was just like breathing. Smooth like a stream of water on a summer day, nothing was more beautiful than the delicate sounds in the air.
Leaning out farther, Isabella could see the full picture and she tried her hardest to ignore the painful throbbing in her chest. You were, in fact, playing the piano but it was to who you were playing to. Her fingers touched her lips in denial, it was as if her worst nightmare had come true. Isabella saw her son leaning against the piano with his chin resting in his arms, looking down at your fingers as you pressed the keys elegantly.
Ray's eyes flickered to your face and with Isabella's sharp vision, she noticed the pink flushing of his cheeks after realizing what he had done. They were the littlest things that made it obvious; the way you tilted your head to the side towards the boy, the small smile on Ray's lips, both your bodies were relaxed and calm. It was so juvenile, so innocent, so familiar, the woman decided not to interrupt.
Isabella walked away, her hands together as if she was praying for forgiveness, trying to be as silent as possible. She didn't want to show it, but she was in deep trouble. It was her fault she allowed herself to get emotionally attached to the children, it struck something personal inside her.
As she walked away from the music room and into the dining room, the other orphans spotted her and grew excited when their Mama made her way towards them. She forcefully put on her usual smile and grin as she picked up a small child in her arms. The music faded and now it was only in the back of her head, like a distant memory that has been altered but won't go away. The sounds only haunt her now. She wanted to stop listening.
It was true that the song was becoming softer, it was because you were doing it intentionally. Your actions slowed down and your fingers only grazed the keys because you were straining your ears to listen for the sound of footsteps residing. You raised your head and opened your eyes to glance up at the boy, both of you had the same thought in mind. His usual gloomy expression was gone, instead, he looked terrified. He leaned close to you, his face as pale as a ghost as he mustered up his voice.
"Mama is catching on," Ray whispered harshly, his grey eyes shrinking with horror. "I think she knows about our escape plan. I noticed she's been watching us more."
"Be quiet," You replied flatly, aimlessly playing random chords on the piano. "For all we know all your talking will get us caught."
"I'm just trying to be careful," He said angrily, a frustrated expression dawned over his facial features. "We don't know how much she knows right now. Mama is already closing in on Norman and Emma, we might be next."
You thought about what he said. It was true that Mama was suspicious of Norman and Emma because she caught them walking away from the attic, but surely the odds were in your favour, right? All four of you were prepared for the consequences. So, you purse your lips together before sighing, "There is nothing to worry about, you should trust me."
"How can you act so calm about this?" Ray scoffed, clearly annoyed at the fact that you had no regard for the lives at stake here. His closed hand landed heavily on the lid of the piano which caused it to let out a strange noise, "All you care about is making it to the other side of the wall. Do you even realize that you're scared?"
"I'm not scared," The music cut abruptly when you stopped playing, you stared at the black-haired boy with narrowed eyes. "Now's not the time to be nervous, it's tomorrow after all. We have everything prepared."
Ray frowned at your response, knowing that the only chance of escape was tomorrow at noon only made his blood run cold. He clicked his tongue at your sour attitude and muttered to himself; "All the more, [Y/N], you should be scared."
"I'm not scared," A sharp whisper came from your mouth, what he said made you angry. As much as you wanted to prove that you were fearless, you felt trapped in your seat and frozen on the spot. You didn't understand what you were feeling, "Ray, I'm not scared... But my hands won't stop shaking."
The boy stared back at you with tired grey eyes, he wondered how on earth you were able to make it to the top five scorers. Sometimes you were stubborn with expressing your emotions but he couldn't blame you, he was the same. This was the last night you would be able to play on the piano. So, his lips trembled as he sucked in a breath, "Well, you shouldn't suppress yourself anymore. We might die tomorrow."
A nerve was struck from inside of you. Your teeth clenched together when he said those words, your hands couldn't keep still no matter how hard you tried, your fingers were coated in a cold sweat. Finally, you slammed your hands on the keys, rifting up and down the piano as you played minor chords roughly.
Soon the noise shifted into the piece Etude Op. 10 No. 4 written by Chopin, it just happened so naturally you almost didn't notice it. Your hands moved on their own and played your emotions away, you memorized the whole piece after all. It was loud and aggressive, a total contrast from your behaviour but you didn't care, this was how you let out your anger.
Ray sighed as the music filled his ears, the boy felt better since his thoughts were being drowned out. His body relaxed against the piano and he closed his eyes like he was about to fall asleep. He knew you weren't the type to express your emotions, if anything, you were similar to a robot. You spoke when spoken to, you did as you were told, you had nothing to lose. Except he knew deep inside that you were a scared child just like Norman and Emma, just like Ray himself.
The piano shook from the piece and you felt your body tremble. Your thoughts were running through your head similar to how fast Sister Krone sprinted; what happens if the plan fails? What if Mama finds out? Will we all die tomorrow? Will everything be in vain? Would it be better if we were shipped out instead?
You loved playing the piano and you loved Ray, Norman, and Emma. You loved the other orphans too but escaping would be impossible with that many children. This agony you were feeling was eating you alive. Everything felt rushed and you felt as if you were slowly slipping out of the pace. The melody was now distorted.
Your fingers began to cramp up.
•••
Clear skies, not a single cloud covered the sun. You had to hold your arm to your forehead to block the beating sun rays from your vision. Ahead of you was the concrete wall that separated you from freedom, it was the only thing holding you back.
Hidden by the bottom of the trees were four backpacks stuffed to the brim with anything you could carry. Cans of food, bottles of water, extra clothes, they were the only things in the house that you knew would be essential for the escape.
Behind you, Norman was wiping the tears falling from Emma's face. His soft voice telling her to stop crying wasn't enough for her to calm down. She felt guilty leaving her siblings in the slaughterhouse, she felt like it was her fault for their future deaths. You couldn't blame her, it was tearing you up from the inside, but you had to think realistically. Those kids wouldn't even last a day out there.
You turned around and pushed Norman out of the way, grabbing Emma's shoulders and shook her back to her senses. Her green eyes widened at the sudden force of your actions, she cowered a little when you leaned close to her face. "Think, Emma, think hard. Would you rather have all of us die here or escape with the people most precious to you?"
"I'm having second thoughts... We can't just leave them - ah!" She yelped when you grabbed her cheeks roughly. Her breathing quickened as your expression turned cold. You wanted to tell her saving the other orphans was an impossible dream, she must be crazy to think of taking everyone, even the boys agreed with you. But before you could speak, a hand pulled on your shoulder to separate you from the girl.
Ray held you securely, your back right against his chest, he grumbled into your ear; "[Y/N], you need to calm down. Let Emma say her goodbyes to Gracefield."
You shook yourself out of the boy's grasp and walked away from the group out of repressed anger while Emma accepted the hug Norman offered. The black-haired orphan watched as you made your way towards the pre-dug hole from months of slowly digging your way under the wall.
It was a narrow tunnel reaching under the concrete, just enough for the four of you to crawl through in a single file line. The width was two or three meters thick, which wasn't a lot but it was very time consuming to dig and make sure you wouldn't get caught. Plus, Gracefield didn't have any heavy-duty shovels, only small trowels that are used for gardening.
This way of escaping was ingenious since it was almost impossible and extremely difficult to drill through or climb up. You knew there was freedom on the other side, even Emma saw a thick forest after climbing up a tree. It was a shame that you couldn't bring everyone.
You pushed those thoughts aside and prepared yourself with the gardening tool. Emma was finished with crying and Norman was on standby. Ray glanced around the forest one last time, staring aimlessly at the thick trees as if he was looking directly at Gracefield. You swore you heard the words "bye, Mama" come out of his mouth.
Once again, you gripped the small shovel tightly, it was like you were excited yet scared about this escape. You have come this far, it would be a waste to stop now.
You were the first one to get on your knees and crawl into the hole, head first so your hands and knees would help you maneuver through the tiny gap. Emma went in next, then Norman. Lastly was Ray, who entered feet first, being at the end meant he would have to listen hard in case someone was coming.
So, you reached the end where you finished digging last time. It was dark, barely any sunlight was in the tunnel. It was also very difficult to breathe; with three other kids sharing the same air and the dirt surrounding you was enough to make you feel a little light-headed.
With the shovel, you dug into the muddy dirt wall. If you had other ways to get over this monstrous wall, you would have done it by now but you felt as if it would be as dangerous being caught in the middle of it. At least this hole was fairly hidden by the bushes and rocks, the only problem was when it rained, (you would wait for it to drain). Anyway, the three of them were starting to grow impatient but you had a feeling you were nearing the end. You continued to dig until you saw the bottom of the concrete wall's edge.
With your hand, you wiggled your fingers against the corner and finally light shined through the top of the tunnel. Emma, Norman, and Ray exclaimed out of surprise with your discovery. You even stared at the blue sky through the small opening with hope in your eyes. Without wasting any more time, you began clawing at the dirt.
Something strange was happening, you felt the earth weaken and crumble under your touch. Leaning forward curiously, you pushed the soil with both hands.
"Oh no..." Your blood ran cold as you watched the dirt fall.
Emma looked over your shoulder, "What's wrong?"
"PULL ME BACK UP!" You shrieked in terror, leaning backwards to stop the group from moving but it was too late, you were slipping away.
Both confusion and fear made your eyes widen; the reason why no one patrols the walls is that... the wall is meant to be an impossible obstacle. There was no way to get away from the plantations.
In the middle of analyzing what was beyond the barrier, the dirt from beneath you crumbled and you fell down. You didn't even have time to scream. There was already a hand gripping your ankle.
The top half of your body dangled in the air as you stared down directly at the dark abyss in front of you, it was like you were looking into a deep cliff. You had the feeling you were going to die; if Emma lets go of your leg, or if Norman slipped down a little further, or if Ray couldn't grab onto the ground in time, surely, the four of you would fall to your deaths.
The blood was rushing to your head, you were so close to blacking out. Your arms swayed lifelessly and the shovel fell from your grasp, forever lost. There were a series of grunts and strained voices as you slowly felt gravity pulling you down over the edge.
You were pulled back into the tunnel, face white as a sheet and you were unresponsive for a minute. Your hearing slowly came back in muffles; you can hear Emma straining to keep her grip on your ankle, Norman was speaking incoherently, and Ray was struggling to get out.
After a while, you were finally back at the start, alive and frozen with horror. You were welcomed with the unforgiving warmth of the sun as Emma placed your body on the grass. The three of you were breathing heavily, dirty, and laying on the ground in exhaustion. A sharp gasp came from you as you tried to regulate your breathing.
"I... need to say something..." Emma coughed.
"Not now..." You sputtered.
The girl shook her head sorrowfully, "A confession..."
"What is it...?"
Her voice wobbled the slightest, "I left a goodbye note..."
Your face flushed with anger as you tread your way towards the girl, legs burning as you struggled to get up from your knees. When Emma was arm's length away, you lunged towards her with the intent to grab her collar. But, Norman stepped in front of you and held you tightly, struggling to keep you away.
"How could you do that?!" You shouted. "We're done for! If Mama finds that note, she'll alert headquarters!"
"I just wanted to leave something behind for everyone!"
"The escape failed, Emma! We're stuck here!" Your face paled as you touched your ear. "We haven't disabled our trackers yet-"
"I don't understand why you want to leave." A woman walked out of the forest while closing the stopwatch.
Emma's eyes darted to the side and you felt your heart drop in surprise. Norman slowly released you from his grasp while Ray looked dismayed. Everyone was still, no one dared to move a muscle.
"It's time to stop acting," Mama raised her head and extended her hand to each of you. "Hello, Emma, Norman, Ray, and [Y/N]. I want you to meet the real me, the woman who raised you. I warn you countless times how dangerous it was to go beyond this wall."
It was inconceivable, surely Mama saw the four of you go into the hole with the intent to dig yourselves free. Was she just going to let you die just like that? She was fine with letting her children crawl into the hands of death? Did she not care about the merchandise?
Slowly, you got to your feet, thinking if you even had a chance to run away. Emma did the same thing, followed by Norman and Ray. The four of you were ready for any risk beyond the wall, you can handle Mama. There must be another way.
"So, stop fighting back and let's go home." She walked towards the group with her arms open, her expression scared you as she came closer. "Come back, my children."
Suddenly, Emma stepped forward even though you attempted to pull her back. Emma tried to keep Mama away and get the stopwatch, but the woman swept her off her feet and pinned the girl to the ground. It was fast, no one saw it actually happen. There was a loud crack that sent horrible chills down your spines as the woman waited for a reaction.
It was clear that Mama purposely broke Emma's leg, it couldn't have been anything else. Crippling her made escaping more than impossible, it was no longer an option.
In the middle of Emma's cries of pain, the woman stared up at a very horrified Norman. Watching the girl he loves wither in pain was enough to make him freeze like a deer in the headlights. He was ready to cry as if he felt the same pain as Emma, her twisted knee was now embedded into his mind.
"Congratulations, Norman."
The boy's eyes widened at the mention of his name and his breathing seemed to stop for a second. A drop of sweat mixed with dirt trickled down the side of his face when Mama's words entered one ear and out the other. This couldn't be real, right? This is just another nightmare about failing the escape, right? All of your hard work couldn't have been for nothing.
Suddenly, Ray grabbed a hold of your wrist as if he already knew what Mama was thinking. It looked like he wanted to scream no, but his voice failed him. He was petrified. He couldn't do anything to stop her.
"And congratulations, [Y/N]." Mama smiled so sweetly. "Both of you will be shipped off tomorrow, by popular demand."
At that moment, your world collapsed. You wished to never hear those words but here you were, trying to process what Mama meant by being shipped off. Everything around you became blurred, you had no sense of your surroundings as you stared directly at the woman's cold eyes. Your breath was taken away after seeing no signs of mercy from her.
A scream of agony erupted from Emma's throat as she cried out of pain and sadness, her whole body shook in attempts to get away from Mama. However, she held the girl in her arms and swooped her off the ground. Mama began to walk away without further explanation, uttering that you should all head back home quickly.
•••
"It has me thinking," You stared down at your hands. "Would doing this actually save us?"
Emma glanced at you meekly, "It wouldn't hurt to try."
"It would hurt." You knew you had to tone down the attitude, Emma was laying in the infirmary bed with her leg in a cast. There was a slight sting in your heart and you immediately softened your expression. "I suppose we're all desperate to stall the process."
Shipment day was tomorrow, just as Mama said. She had you and Norman wrapped around her fingers like helpless worms, she knew Ray and Emma wouldn't stand a chance against her with you two gone.
"Let's do it," Norman clapped his hands joyfully. "Let's all break a bone!"
So no one can be shipped off, everyone injured themselves. That was the new plan Emma came up with. Even though you and Ray thought it was absolutely insane, you knew nothing was going to stop Norman from carrying out Emma's requests.
Since Emma's leg was broken, Norman thought it would be fitting if he had the same injury. Next, you thought it would be enough to snap a few of your fingers. Finally, Ray had the idea of breaking his arm (if Mama needed to send out another child as a replacement). The next step was to figure out how to do it.
So, to avoid suspicion, the three of you decided it would be best to space out the times each of you would be going to the infirmary room. Norman, you, and then Ray in that order.
Before carrying out the plan, Norman wanted to spend the last hours running around in the forest with his working legs, so you let him do so. You didn't go with him though, you were too busy staying in the girl's dormitory still contemplating hurting yourself.
From what you've heard from Ray; Norman stood in an awkward position where the side of his foot was pressed against the ground and his leg bent the opposite way. He put all his body weight onto his ankle and it cracked from the pressure, certainly, it was quite painful. However, you weren't sure if it was enough.
Later on, Ray helped Norman as he limped back into the house, hoping Mama would fall for it and delay the shipment. But before meeting the woman, Norman quickly gave Emma a folded piece of paper saying it was a backup plan.
•••
Whenever you played, your hands would cross over the other, even though the book told you not to do that. It was a habit to reach over your hand when the notes were too far from each other. You found yourself here again, running your fingers over the keys on the piano aimlessly as you thought over and over how the plan was a failure from the start. It was painful to remember the drop under the wall.
It was the evening of the shipment, and Mama was watching you intently. You could feel her eyes on you, analyzing every single one of your movements. As much as you tried to ignore her, you just couldn't help but stare blankly at the upright piano cover while your fingers moved effortlessly without purpose.
There was a pause of silence when you stopped playing and glanced briefly at the boy beside you. This had become a regular thing; you played for Ray while he sat back and listened. But this time he was sitting next to you because both of you came up with a plan.
"Hum it again," You asked, leaning your ear closer to Ray's throat.
He hummed a note and you memorized the sound easily. The vibrations tickled your ears a little bit and Ray chuckled nervously at your close proximity. The two of you were trying to figure out how to play Mama's lullaby on the piano, it was something precious to the woman.
"One more time,"
Ray's lips were right beside your temple, brushing against your skin. He hummed the melody as clear as he could, he was mildly happy you couldn't see the flushing of his reddening cheeks. You memorized two more eighth notes and then a whole note before mentally ending the piece with double bar lines.
"Did you get it all?" He looked at you, clearly intrigued.
"Yes, I did." You nodded your head to the beat then started to play as if you've already done it a million times.
If only you saw the look on Ray's face; it was just of pure amazement. Music filled the air, children down the hallway heard the familiar tune and began to giggle to themselves. It was a beautiful melody, a perfect copy from the mandolin.
Mama couldn't stand to listen anymore and walked away from the music room. You were thinking that you offended her by playing her lullaby, then again, it was your final night in Gracefield. You wanted to leave a haunting memory for that woman.
"She's gone." Ray let out the breath he was holding in.
"You know what to do next."
"Are you sure?"
"It's okay, Ray..." You whispered, your fingers continued to press on the keys. "Please make it quick..."
It was harder than expected, the boy was having second thoughts. Mama's lullaby was playing, it reminded him of his childhood. There was a peaceful yet cold look on your face when you saw what he reached for. Ray's lips wobbled as he held the piano cover above your hands.
"Don't be a coward." You muttered under your breath and he tensed up at your harsh words. Your best bet was to make him angry enough to execute the plan.
"This is just crazy...!" He hissed back with the same tone, tightening his grip on the cover. "There has to be another way...!"
"I will never forgive you if you don't do it."
"Why don't you listen to me...?! I don't think I can..."
"You give up too easily, Ray." The moment you said that the boy fumed in rage. You've never seen him that angry before, it struck fear in you for the first time.
While the chords faltered a little, you continued playing for your life. You closed your eyes, not wanting to see the inevitable. Because of muscle memory, you were able to see where your fingers were and what to press at what time. You played a couple of bars more, repeating some segments to make the piece longer.
It was nerve-wracking, listeners could practically hear the wavering of the chords. You felt your heart in your throat, your stomach had a terrible swirling feeling. There was a drop of sweat rolling down the side of your face and the hairs on your neck were standing on edge. Waiting for the moment when Ray was going to drop it.
Seconds passed yet they felt like minutes. You felt like you were at gunpoint and forced to play the piano until you couldn't. There was always an awful feeling when it came to playing music, it was always forceful and perfect. Always perfect. Why was it always perfect? Why couldn't you just be normal and untalented? You can't even remember not knowing how to play the piano.
It was like you were just born with the ability. It wasn't fair to the other children who wanted your talent. You didn't ask for it. This was like a curse. Perfect scores. Perfect pitch. Perfect everything - you couldn't stand it. Why was value measured this way? Why did children have to die early? You couldn't think properly with this song of death ringing in your ears.
You wanted to stop. You wanted to bail out of this plan. You were having second thoughts. It was going to hurt like hell. Why did you agree to this? Damn it all. You wanted to stop playing. You kept praying to God. I can't do this. You wanted to admit you were scared. Enough being ignorant, you wanted to change-
The song stopped abruptly when Ray slammed the cover onto your hands.
A scream of pain erupted from your throat and your eyes shot open, vision focusing on the sight of your crushed fingers. Stinging pain surged from your hands and up to your arms, making tears build up. It was unbearable, immediately you felt your head go numb out of the shock. Your hands were shaking terribly and awful looking bumps started to grow on your skin.
The cover was lifted and frozen in the air, Ray looked down and was immediately appalled by what he had done. Your fingers twitched and every movement was pure stabbing pain, it was enough to bring tears to your eyes.
"Again!" You whispered feverishly. "Do it again! They're not broken yet!"
"[Y/N], I can't!" Ray fired back. "It's good enough, just stop!"
You shook your head and slowly pulled your right hand out. Your fingers began to form grotesque bruises. The tips were turning a frightening purple and your nails looked like they were ready to pop out. You heaved, "We have to be sure!"
Ray only watched in vain as you grabbed the cover and slammed it on top of your left hand. The sound of a finger snapping was drowned out by the keys being pushed with a dreadful chord. You didn't know what possessed you to keep going, you couldn't stop smashing your poor fingers until they were on the verge of turning into mush.
Just then, the cover was grabbed to stop you from harming yourself any further, Ray was still taking in what had happened. You doubled over in pain, falling helplessly off the chair and onto the floor. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you whimpered in agony, holding your hands close to your chest while your shoulders trembled violently.
Phil ran into the room and saw Ray holding the piano cover, the look of fear was written all over the young child's face. His eyes landed on you, crying uncontrollably with a cold sweat drenched all over your body.
"Ray... Why?!" Phil was horrified by the sight and immediately started to back away from the music room. "Mama!" He called out with short, panicked, breaths. "[Y/N]...! The piano...! Help...!"
You were suddenly pulled back on your feet as Ray struggled to take you to the infirmary room. Every step you took was weak and uncoordinated, you were starting to feel your fingers numbing up to your knuckles. Ray did his best to guide you down the hallway.
For some reason, you were starting to remember the conversation that happened last night, after Norman went to go see Mama. But, you didn't mind it, remembering helped you forget about the pulsing pain in your arms for a few seconds.
"She won't believe it," Norman muttered under his breath which you caught.
"She will when I come to her in tears."
The boy's frown deepened, "Don't try it, it will only be in vain. Mama is smart, you know that."
"Regardless, it's a few broken bones. She won't send me away."
You were pushed into the infirmary room because Ray didn't have the courage to go inside. Mama was already waiting for you; with a smile on her face. She motioned you to sit down on the bed and you slowly followed her orders, still sniffling and cringing in pain.
The woman leaned down and gently scooped up your fingers one by one to look at them. She still had that stupid, smug, smile playing along her lips. It was unnerving and it made you doubt everything. Seeing Mama so undisturbed as she examined your bludgeoned fingers felt so wrong. Why did you have a feeling that the second escape failed?
Your crying slowly stopped as you forced yourself to calm down. There was still the throbbing pain of your hands but you continued to study Mama if she was going to react in any certain way.
"Why did Ray break your fingers?" The woman asked with mild concern.
You swallowed hard to clear your voice, "Because he got mad at me."
"I will have to punish him then."
"No, it was my fault."
She was intrigued by that answer, "How so?"
You stared hard at her, "I told him the lullaby sounded terrible."
Mama froze only for a second but it was noticeable; her heart breaking from your words. Then she looked into your eyes and smiled serenely, bandaging each of your fingers nicely with white cloth and splints.
"They will still eat these," Mama whispered soothingly. "They will eat anything."
"What...?"
The woman stood up confidently, staring down at you with sharp eyes, "You will be shipped out tonight."
"No, please... Mama, you can't..."
"Nice try, [Y/N]." She admitted.
"Mama, look at my hands! They're broken!" You started to tear up once more. "Please don't do this to me! It hurts so much!"
"I will continue with shipments."
"But..." Your cries stopped, hope slowly draining from your body, "But what about Norman...?"
"I said the same thing."
All your excuses were exhausted, "You evil b-!"
Mama liked how much you fought back, it amused her to see you struggle so much. Cursing and swearing at her almost made her laugh at your face. Even though your fingers were broken, you still attempted to get physical. It was obvious you wanted to hurt Mama, maybe even kill her. But she remained calm and composed and made you shut up.
She had never seen you beg so desperately to stay home, you were always quiet and reserved. The way you snapped and tried to attack her was understandable, almost justifiable. She was the same, when that musician was sent away, she did the exact same thing.
But harming yourself, putting your talent at risk, the chance of never being able to play the piano again, was too extreme even for Mama. It was a horrific idea, it showed how much you didn't want to die. You never failed to impress Isabella.
After walking out of the infirmary, you already saw Ray storming away from Norman, clearly showing that both of them heard the results.
You stood in front of the white-haired boy, your fingers pulsing so hard it was like they had their own heartbeat, "You should have told me Mama didn't believe you."
Norman tried his best not to look guilty, there was a poorly done splint on his ankle while his eyes were clouded with despair, "I did, you never listened."
•••
You spent your final hours with the boy that you loved dearly. In the very back of the library, you and Ray sat close to one another with your hands in his. There was a delicate stroke of his finger along your knuckles as he stared down with regret. You watched him intently, you saw the way that he sighed and blinked longingly, as he drowned in his own thoughts.
He was feeling remorseful, after all, he was the one who broke your fingers. All the other children blamed him for taking away your talent, now the house was filled with empty silence with the occasional cries from the babies. The piano was left in the music room, untouched and alone, nobody else knew how to play it.
You knew what he was thinking, the look of despair was written all over his expression. There was a soft squeeze of your hand and then you pulled his attention to your face, "Ray, breaking your arm wouldn't work. Do something else."
"I don't know what else to do," He whispered. "If Mama says the demons would eat my body regardless, wouldn't it be better if I killed myself?"
You couldn't believe what you were hearing, but also you couldn't help but not be surprised. You had those thoughts as well, maybe things would have been better for you if you had fallen into the cliff instead. But, you wanted Ray to survive, you wanted him to live.
Ray had tears building up in his eyes, "If you go, I won't be able to live with myself."
After hearing that, you didn't know how else to tell him that you felt the same way. Your body was slowly swaying as you leaned towards him. You felt like you were going to collapse and you couldn't sit up any longer.
The boy leaned backwards as you turned your back towards him, lowering your head onto his lap. His legs stiffened a bit before slowly relaxing, his hands hesitantly touching your hair. You stared at the library's ceiling with glassy eyes, you didn't want to cry but you couldn't help but let a tear escape.
"I promise, you will see me again." You tilted your head at the right angle so you could see his face, reaching up to his body to touch the upper part of his arm comfortingly.
"I promise too."
"..." You were breathless for a second. "Promise me you will survive...?"
Ray didn't know how to respond.
•••
At first, you were angry at him. He wasn't there with the other orphans as they said goodbye to you. The little ones were obviously crying over your and Norman's departure, it broke your heart to see them clinging onto your skirt. Nat and Anna waved you tearful goodbyes. Don and Gilda gave you a warm hug too, they seemed unhinged though.
Emma embraced you for at least a whole minute and with Norman, a whole two minutes. She tried not to cry, but the pain on her face said it all. Her crutches fell from under her arms as she collapsed into Norman's chest, the burden of not being able to do anything was crushing her. All Norman could do was smile and laugh at her silly behaviour, Mama was watching everything after all.
You were left standing in anticipation, waiting for that fairy tale moment when Ray would come down and wish you a proper goodbye. But it wasn't the case, Mama was getting impatient and wanted to wrap everything up. You didn't want to leave like this, you wanted to see him one last time. Ray was just facing the wall of the staircase, arms crossed, he didn't even turn his head your way.
You couldn't do what Norman did; you couldn't just fake a smile and laugh as he did. So, you were angry and left solemnly with betrayal in your heart. You thought it was selfish of Ray not to say goodbye. He knew you were going to die, yet he didn't have the courage to watch you leave.
It scared you. For the first time, you admitted that you were scared. You needed to be comforted in the most terrifying time in your life. You were back to being a kid, your legs trembled at the thought of demons consuming your flesh and later your brain. You needed Ray to say goodbye.
But he never came down. And you were already in front of the gate.
After that long agonizing walk with Norman and Mama, the open darkness beyond the brick walls were dragging you inside. You felt numb, your eyes couldn't even focus in the dim moonlight and your fingers felt cold as they held your suitcase.
You followed the woman like a lifeless zombie, all your reasons to live just went down the drain. Behind you, the bars slowly fell down until they reached the bottom. You and Norman were trapped and at the mercy of whoever or whatever was looming in the dark.
Although you were barely paying attention to your surroundings, you heard Mama tell you to stop where you were and stay put, as well with Norman. Then, you watched as she walked so far into the darkness, you couldn't see her even if you squinted your eyes.
Norman's body tensed up when his gaze landed on a vehicle parked near the wall. You saw his paralyzed reaction, it was as if he saw it before. It was a truck with curtains draped on the back, you were thinking that Mama was going to put you two in there and drive your corpses to headquarters.
There was a voice that called your name making you turn back. At first, you thought you hallucinated it until Norman turned around as well as if he heard the same thing.
Over the hill where the three of you walked on, two distinct bodies of white stumbled their way towards the gate. In the darkness, you saw black hair and fiery red locks, they were obviously sprinting while one of them struggled to catch up with the other.
You and Norman watched helplessly as Ray collapsed against the barrier, holding onto the steel bars as he tried his best to keep himself up. Then, a limping Emma fell down beside the boy.
This sudden turn of events surprised you, it was dangerous for them to carelessly waltz into the demons' territory. Norman muttered Emma's name before rushing up to the fallen girl, he too tossed away his suitcase and hat. You followed after him, still shocked by their stupid stunt. Both of you went on your knees to match Emma's height.
She took in heavy breaths and coughed a little, her eyes filled with sadness as she tried her hardest to explain why she was here in the first place. Emma stared directly at you and smiled tearfully, "I couldn't stop Ray from running after you, I tried, I just couldn't...!"
Your chest felt as if something lifted and your stomach turned with butterflies. Looking at Ray, his head was aimed downward like he didn't want you to see his face, his body heaved with deep breaths, sweat could be seen on the back of his neck. For the first time, you let your cold demeanour melt away.
"Emma, forgive me for being so selfish... And being mean..." Leaning forward, you touched her hair soothingly and she rubbed her cheek against your palm. "Please, take care of Ray..."
"No, I'm sorry, [Y/N]...!" Emma shook her head in disbelief when you pulled away, wanting to feel your warmth again for the last time. "I wish I could have done something to save both of you...!"
"Shh, it's okay," Norman was quick to comfort the girl, taking your position of holding her face lovingly. Emma wasn't done crying, in fact, she was sobbing painfully. Norman could only watch in vain since he couldn't let her cry on his shoulder. "Emma, it's up to you now, alright? Go and live on..."
You stood in front of Ray, his grey eyes were burning as he tried to keep his tears at bay. His face was showing true despair, eyebrows furrowed with sadness, teeth clenched, a silent call for help. You placed your hand on top of his, both of you held the steel bars tightly, it looked like nothing was between you two but you were still separated.
"I'm sorry," Ray whispered. "I couldn't do it, I'm such a failure, I never wanted this to happen."
You watched him rest his forehead in between the bars, tears of regret poured from his eyes. He continued to stare down at his feet, his other hand was placed over yours to hold it tightly, scared of letting you go.
"I should've told you sooner... If only I didn't wait... The truth about Gracefield..." Ray's voice trembled with every word he spoke. "It's all my fault, It should be me..."
You placed your bandaged hand over his once again, "I'm glad..."
"What...?"
"I'm glad it's not you here."
Ray stared at you with complete disbelief, he began to feel his heart swelling to the point it began to hurt. His world began to spin and mix together, it was spiralling into nothingness. There was something pulling him down to earth and trapping him against the ground. He almost collapsed from your words.
Everything lost its colour, Ray was only seeing black and white. Your black uniform, his white clothes. The black darkness of the gate, the white light of the moon. The black and white keys on a piano.
You closed in on him, foreheads touching and tears falling together. It was your final goodbye, a small, yet beautiful gesture. All your life was put into the action, the soft and delicacy of it all, you gave it all to him.
Eyes were shut, breath was held, and the world stopped spinning. Lips touched together for a short kiss goodbye.
It was always a mystery, the world beyond the walls of Gracefield. It was too bad you didn't get to see it for yourself. Your only wish was to make sure that Ray would see it for you, even if you were to die tonight, you might as well pass all your strength onto him. For the first time in a while, you felt safe, in Ray's presence.
You had no clue how much time had passed, it must have been a couple of seconds. You remembered the situation you were in and knew Mama was going to come back sooner or later. The peacefulness of the kiss broke apart as both of you separated at the same time. There was a soft squeeze of your fingers and then hands pulled away from the other.
There was no time for a verbal goodbye, the sound of footsteps were growing louder and louder. Emma struggled to let Norman go, he was also feeling the same way. He suffered internally as he smiled, you understood the pain he was going through, letting go of the very person that he loves and never seeing them again.
Ray took Emma's arm and draped it over his shoulder to move her back to safety. Her legs shook after every step, the crutches dragged solemnly along the grass, drawing poor lines in the dirt. Both of them said they were going back to the house, hearing that calmed you a bit, knowing that they would be spared from seeing you and Norman killed.
You regretted not telling Ray that you loved him, but it would hurt less if he never knew. There was a sense of relief when you watched them separate from the gate, they went along the wall back to the orphanage. It was a shame you couldn't see them arrive safely there. The tingling of your lips warmed your face a little, you at least had this last memory to die with.
The woman came back, not alarmed to see you and Norman standing with your briefcases in hand. She had a look of satisfaction, her arms were loosely wrapped around her chest as she tilted her head upward. She made a small motion with her hand and directed you away from the truck.
You glanced at the boy with a confused look and he returned the same expression. Mama stood in front of two doors that looked illuminated from the inside, waiting for her children to get closer. Even though you were terrified, you tried to look brave. If you were going to die, you might as well look fearless, right?
You and Norman stood straight together, hands entwined as both of you accepted the fate beyond those doors. There was a drop of sweat rolling down Norman's face as you finally swallowed that nervous lump down your throat. Mama opened the door slowly, a blinding white light dawned over your faces, your eyes widened at the sight ahead, and you were gone.
But Ray and Emma never left.
After watching what happened, Ray found himself collapsed on the ground, his knees stained with green as he tried one last time to reach into the darkness. Emma tried to pull him back but he didn't move from his spot. He began to cry uncontrollably, face contorting into an expression of pure sorrow, his soul fell into the bottomless pit of misery. It shook his body whenever he tried to breathe and he felt goosebumps spread all over his sweating skin.
Emma couldn't take it anymore and began to weep next to him, she lowered herself to the ground as her body gave in to the pain. Ray let your words repeat in his mind over and over, this promise, it must have been all a lie, right?
He clasped his hands over his head protectively and continued to rock himself against the bars, his cries turned into screams that echoed beyond the gate. He didn't care if Mama would hear or if any demons were going to catch him, it was already the end for him.
There was no more music, the world was silent. All that was left was a promise to meet again in another lifetime. What was the point of living? Somewhere, in another world, maybe there would be hope for a better future where love would be offered to everyone. If God wasn't cruel, maybe Ray wouldn't have to say goodbye like this.
Epilogue
"It's brilliant, isn't it?" There was a pleased look on your face when you saw his reaction.
Ray was speechless as he stared at his brothers and sisters ziplining over the cliff. If his hand wasn't holding his bleeding ear, he would have been covering his mouth in shock. Watching everything unfold so effortlessly, easily, flawlessly, was amazing.
"Norman came up with this plan the night we were shipped away. Even though I was strictly against it and thought it was going to be impossible, I'm happy I was wrong."
"[Y/N]..." The boy finally glanced towards you, his eyes pricked the slightest when he saw your image.
There was a smile that took his breath away. He stared at you for a while, trying to memorize every inch of your face, the way your lips curled, eyes crinkled. Ray felt alive seeing you stand beside him, it almost helped him cope. He didn't care if it was in his head, he was satisfied knowing he didn't forget what you looked like.
You turned your head away to watch the children.
"I'm impressed..." Ray responded with an unbothered voice, his eyes reluctantly shifting elsewhere. He knew if he looked at you again, you wouldn't be there anymore. That's what always happened, he always tried to remind himself that the you standing next to him wasn't real. But it wouldn't hurt to imagine, right?
It didn't hurt him whenever he thought about you, it was helping him mentally. Thinking about the girl of his dreams, alive, well, standing right there, was just enough. But there was always doubt.
Don't look. For my own sake, please don't look.
Ray was hit with the hard reality that you were gone, he was always quick to give up. Just imagine, and he'll be just fine all over again. He just needed to remember the you he was seeing wasn't real, only a construction of his depressed imagination.
But sometimes it got too real, that's what made it dangerous. Hearing your voice randomly, seeing you down the dark end of the hallways, feeling your hand on his face, it was mixing in with his reality. Sometimes Ray heard the piano playing on its own.
God is cruel, Ray had that mentality from the beginning. It was funny that he hoped for a happy ending, there was nothing wrong with imagining the best outcome. He felt as if he was losing his grip on reality, that this is all one big, bad, dream. As if this was a story where he was meant to die at the end from a broken heart, he wondered if anyone would pity him.
Let's hope Ray would beat those odds and fulfill your promise... You were waiting for him, after all... Somewhere far away...
Even though he gave up too quickly and got frustrated when he failed, you knew that he strived to be...
One of the survivors.
Manga readers if you know you know...
Thanks for reading the last requested oneshot! It was a great journey!
Word Count: 9050 words