Tony munched on the veggie chips on his way home. His mind couldn't wrap around the fact that Natasha - it was still weird to use her first name - had bought him food. It was a peace offering for the disaster of a meeting they'd had on Wednesday. No matter, Natasha had offered an olive branch and he'd taken it. Did that put them on good terms? Was he supposed to buy her something too? She'd shockingly rejected his money and expected him to just take the bag. He didn't like being confused, but she seemed to be doing a good job of that lately.
He wiped his hands together, barely fazed when his sprained fingers were pinched. They've almost healed anyway. He punched in the code for the front gate and looked around. Howard's work car wasn't home and the tightness in his chest settled. He pushed open the front door and hesitated in the kitchen. Howard wasn't home to yell at him about his food habits. Tony pulled down a plate and bread, slathering on a disgusting amount of tuna fish. He ignored Howard's voice - "You're getting chubby Anthony." - in his mind and brought the sandwich to his lips. He moaned around the bread when he bit down. He shouldn't swear, but it was so damn delicious. He hadn't had a tuna fish sandwich in so long. He hadn't had a filling meal in so long. When his stomach started cramping halfway through his snack, Tony disposed of the evidence and filled a cup with water. He sipped slowly on his way up the stairs with the taste of tuna lingering in his mouth.
He sat down to modify some codes for his helper bot. They were getting old and a little tweaking never hurt anyone. Natasha had reminded him of the convention on Saturday and he wanted to make sure everything was in working order. His fingers clicked away and lines of code appeared on the screen. His head bobbed to the musical genius of Black Sabbath and he dived into the world of programming. He tweaked Dum-E's leaning cache, giving his child more space to absorb the knowledge. He glanced up at the clock and jumped at the time. He'd been on his laptop for hours and Howard still wasn't home. Tony's mind skipped and his body seized. Fridays were the worst days.
He wanted to hope Howard might go easy on him, but he had to leave for a business trip this evening. The stress had to go somewhere and he was a prime conduit. And he'd messed up at school, making a scene that had gotten back to Howard. Tony checked his supplies - bandages and gauze, acetaminophen, and towels. He was running low on bandages and made a mental note to buy more the next chance he got. He liked lists. His mind might scatter like light particles at times, but lists had a certain way of keeping him grounded. They gave him a specific path to take. Making the wrong choice in this household brought nothing but pain. Howard had beat that into him the first chance he got. Make the right choice or face failure.
He had two lists he kept around - what Howard wanted him to do and his personal bucket list. Projects he hadn't had time to touch and places he wanted to visit filled the crinkled pages. Howard wanted him to work on the technical side of a bomb the R&D department was working on, but he hadn't touched the plans. There was another, more private one he didn't dare write down. He kept track of everything that freaked him out - small spaces, crowded areas, being underwater, being near water, open flame, live wires, cars, blood in his eyes - so he could avoid them. Howard hated when he freaked. Tony hated how vulnerable he was. If he was better, or stronger, Howard wouldn't have as much power over him.
You're weak, Anthony. You can't survive on your own. Not without my help.
Tony's hand ran over the bumpy skin of his chest and sucked in a breath. He shook his head forcefully, trying to dislodge the memories and focus on the present. It was done and over with. He was home and he didn't have anything to worry about. Tony dug his nails into his palm until his breaths became even and he was only trembling slightly. He snaked a hand through his greasy hair and walked back to the bed. Tony whirled around when his bedroom door opened with an ominous creak.
"S-Sir," he croaked. His breathing seized and he blanked out as Howard stalked toward him like a predator.
-----
A six-year-old Tony Stark walked through the dark hallways of his home. His feet padded across the hardwood floors in his search for his mother. He sucked on his lip and tightened his hold on he teddy bear dragging by his feet. He peeked around the corner. His eyes lit up when he found his mother seated in the big armchair in the living room. He bounded over, attacking his mother with a hug and bursting with giggles. She chuckled lightly and pulled him into her lap. She tucked a lock of brown hair behind his ear and he stared owlishly up at her.
Maria Stark was Tony's angel. The lamp behind her swathed her in warm light, surrounding her blonde head in a gentle halo. Her pearls sparkled and the delicate white sundress she was wearing seemed to shine. Tony's eyelids fluttered when she placed a delicate kiss on his forehead. She must be lucid, he thought. Wonderful, he had an important question that required her utmost concentration.
He snuggled closer, chasing her warmth with everything he had. "Mama," he said into the crook of her neck, "does Dad love me?"
His mama held him as if he were a precious gem she was afraid of breaking. Tony didn't realize he was crying until her smooth fingers wiped over his cheeks. She smiled down at him, shifting his body so that he had to look directly into her eyes. He squeezed his bear tightly. When he looked down at his bear, Maria lifted his chin up with her pointer fingers. She smoothed his hair back and gripped his hands. "Keep your chin up, Tony. You are a Stark," she endeared. "The heir of this kingdom falls upon your shoulders. People around the world will line up to be like you."
Tony nodded and shifted his hold the toy. "But does Dad love me?" he stressed.
Maria laid a hand on her pearls. "Of course your father loves you, my son. He just isn't used to having a little one around. He'll grow to accept seeing you and he will smother you with fatherly love."
Tony slouched sullenly. "N—No, he won't, Mama. He absolutely hates me. He says mean things. It hurts, Mama." Tony rubbed his aching chest as he shuddered with broken sobs. Howard never laid a finger on him no matter how close he came, but the words he screamed were terrifying and paralyzed him to the spot. It was becoming harder to concentrate lately when his brain decided it would be a good time to decipher the meaning of Howard's words. Everyday came with the same conclusion of the love he'd never receive from the man.
Maria rocked him and shushed his cries with butterfly kisses. She gripped his hand tighter and smoother the stuffed toy's fur. She deposited him onto the ground and led him from the chair. "Come, I'll show you just how much he loves you."
Tony liked being a teenager. True, his emotions seemed more frayed than usual and he'd get distracted doing the simplest things, but it's a bit more freeing than being a child was. Jarvis let him do more on his own and he didn't need to ask for help to do uncomplicated tasks anymore. He accepted his father's negligence and understood what was happening with his mother. Independence was daunting, but he's adjusting. In a way, MIT is perfect for that. He had a singles dorm - one perk of being a Stark - and the absence of company had been gratifying. Especially because Howard wasn't there to breathe down his neck every time he had to make a decision.
He'd made friends, but he only enjoyed the company of one James Rhodey. His Honeybear. He really liked him. Rhodey made sure he planned time for fun around his studies and didn't die of starvation when he's in the zone. He actually got to build here, and for a lot longer time than he did at home. He'd been working on so many projects and being able to finish them left him feeling satisfied. For his thesis, he was building a helper bot. It was extremely simple, but he was so proud when he got Dum-E - "That's not how you make a smoothie, dummy!" - to roll around for a few seconds. It was such a big step in the right direction that he hadn't slept for days in order to progress. He was finally building what he wanted to build. Engineering for the sake of fun rather than destroying lives.
He didn't want to think about Howard. He was away at college. At a safe place. No one here told him that he was stupid, called him a disappointment, or shouted names that managed to shake him to his core. No one ignored his entire existence as if he were worthless then rebounded with words and hits when they deemed him important enough to bruise. He hung out with Rhodey and people flocked around him like he was a shepherd. He had coffee with his professors and engaged in light conversations. Sometimes, he liked to just listen because deep down he didn't want to push people away by taking the spotlight even when he had a great idea that had to come out now, now, now, he held back. It was such a drastic change that he'd thought Howard had paid MIT to pull a prank on him. For a long time, he felt that if he said one wrong word a camera crew was going to jump out and shout, "You're being pranked!"
It scared him so much that he'd woken from mind-numbing nightmares countless times. His body was trained to wake quietly, but sometimes he couldn't control it and cried out. While he sat in the dark waiting for someone to barge in and tell him to shut up, Tony cried. He'd contemplate on calling Rhodey, and when his hands started shaking as he dialed the numbers he refused to rethink his decision. Rhodey always answered and helped Tony back to sleep, and for that, he couldn't think of Rhodey as anything other than his best friend.
Tony nearly melted as his Honeybear hugged him one morning. It was the start of winter break, the morning of December 16th. His arms were so warm and so large that Tony sank as deep as he could into the heat. Snow flurries have been falling since midnight - he was a natural insomniac - and the ground was covered in a light sheet of white. Rhodey grips his shoulders and frowns. "Oh, don't cry, Tony. I promise to come home and visit." Tony let out a watery laugh. "Come on," Rhodey groaned. "You're going to make me cry."
Tony rubbed his eyes. "Oh dear, Honeybear. My future cadet can't be a crybaby. Be a strong man and leave the tears to me." Rhodey rolled his eyes and hugged him again, Tony folding alongside him smoothly. Tony chased his warmth and held tighter. Tony bumped Rhodey's shoulder. He breathed deeply, trying to remember every minute detail about his best friend. "Guess it's just us."
"You know it, Tones. Let's wait somewhere warmer. I'm not leaving until I know you'll be able to cope without me." Tony smirked and allowed Rhodey to pull him into the alcove in the front. He leaned against his friend and stomped his feet. He rubbed his mittens together and blew, trying to regain feeling in his fingers. Rhodey wrapped an arm around him and snickered. "You're lucky you're so small."
Tony snorted and pulled the hood of his parka tighter, trying to block out the cold intent on breaking through his barrier. Tony didn't know how long they sat together or what he said to Rhodey leading up to his departure. He only remembered bawling his eyes out and clinging to his Honeybear like a toddler. He replied snarkily to reassure Rhodey that he was still capable of function, but the gaping hole in his chest proved otherwise. He was surprised he hadn't thrown a tantrum. Tony hugged his parka and went to head inside. He was staying at the school for break. He'd just gotten away from home and didn't want to go back now. Or ever. Before he walked through the doors, a white limo rolled to the front. There was no one else outside, but the car looked so familiar that it made him stop.
Tony hesitantly stepped away from the glass door. The window rolled down and his mother waved excitedly from the driver's seat. Her smile was broad and the smear of lipstick on her face dashed his hopes that she hadn't been drinking. She called for him, and Tony had half a mind to ignore her. His mother meant home; and home meant dealing with Howard. His boots crunched under the snow on his way to the car. Tony climbed into the passenger seat. His mother waited patiently for him to be seated. As soon as the door closed, Maria Stark closed her arms around him. His skin crawled under her touch before settling and allowing him to hug her back. He gulped nervously and rubbed her back, ignoring the spilled wine glass rolling around in the back. Rhodey's warmth was replaced by the drunken heat of his mother and he shuddered in his parka.
"Anthony," she chirped. He stiffened at the cherry scent lacing her breath. "Are you not happy to see me?" She pouted, batting her eyelashes as she did to businessmen Howard wanted to strike a deal with.
Tony placed a hand over hers. The car lurched forward and he feared she might tip over. "Yes, Mama. I'm very happy to see you. Can I ask what you're doing here?"
"I've come to take you home for the break," she giggled. "You weren't planning on staying at school, were you? Because Jarvis didn't get a call about you coming home, but I assured him my Tony would come to visit his mother." She was leaning heavily on the wheel, threatening to pass out in a drunken haze. "So I came to pick you up with the family driver."
Tony picked at his parka's zipper. His eyes flicked around anxiously. "No, I was coming home," he lied. He couldn't understand the sudden interest she had in him. She was fine to ignore him for days on end when he lived at home. Maybe Howard wanted him to come home. He straightened the slightest bit and his mother hiccupped. He forced as much nonchalance into his voice as possible. "Is Howard home?"
She furrowed her brow and placed a hand on his lap. "I think so, honey. Your father has been working very hard. He's trying to...I can't remember, but I know it's important. He's very proud of you, yes sir, and he would've asked me to bring you home if I hadn't already left."
Tony smiled at the floor of the car. Howard wanted him to come home. Something burned in his chest and he wondered if this is how it felt to finally be recognized. He'd strived to please Howard in some way for years and now that he'd made it to college he wanted him to come back. Tony felt drunk from giddiness. His mother interrupted his thoughts when she started blowing raspberries on the strand of hair in her eyes. Tony shook his head and wiped it aside, tucking the blonde piece behind her ear.
His stomach clenched painfully. "Mama, should you be driving?" he ventured.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She giggled and the car swerved before settling back into the empty lane.
Tony gripped the car door and nearly dropped his phone. "No reason. I just thought Jarvis or the family driver might've driven instead."
"No, no sir, this was a very spur...spur of the moment decis...choice." She hiccuped and Tony prayed to the higher beings he didn't believe that he'd make it home.
The car drive fell into a calm silence and Tony clicked away on his phone. His mother straightened up, suddenly alert. Tony was trying to work through a nasty code bug for Rhodey's roommate. His computer had a virus and Tony had been tasked with getting rid of it. He didn't mind helping, but it was taking longer than usual and he was worried Rhodey's roommate would get angry that it wasn't finished.
"Tony, do you have your seatbelt on?" Tony blinked. No. His seatbelt smacked against the car and he glanced at his mother. She was looking out the window and tapping her feet. The snow had picked up and it was becoming harder to see. Tony felt the car begin to slow, trying to adjust to the weather patterns.
"No," he drawled.
"Well, put it on," she snapped. Tony hesitated and she spun around. "Now, Anthony!" Tony flinched, dropping his phone under his seat. He bent down to pick it up and his mother returned to looking out the window. When he'd managed to grab the device, he clipped the seatbelt into the mechanism and Maria relaxed. He was about to resume looking over the virus, but Maria was suddenly in his face and he started.
"Uh..." Tony peeked past her and his eyes widened. "Mom?" he said, voice small. "You might want to focus on the road. I know I'm handsome and everything but..."
Maria shushed him. Her makeup ran in rivers and her hands trembled in his hair. She angled her body toward him and held the wheel so tightly her knuckles were white. Tony tried to see past her and the snow, but he shook his head and gave up. He went back to his phone. He chewed his lip as his eyes went over the code. Maria was crying freely and shaking her head. He was confused and annoyed, and why didn't he understand?
"Mama," he groaned, "what's wrong? Are you feeling unwell? I don't want you to puke on me."
She sniffled and dropped her hands. Tony shouted and reached for the wheel, but she intercepted his hand and crushed him against the door. He struggled against her with wild panic. Then everything went dark and silent. His world was knocked out from under him and something was spinning and crunching and crashing. He was disoriented and everything went still for a second. He was wet - was it blood? - and he couldn't see - is it nighttime? - and something heavy was on him. He couldn't hear anything and he was panicking, but he had to stay calm and find his mother. He had to find his Mama. With all his strength, he focused on opening his eyes first. It took more energy than he had and he almost gave up. Tony's eyes fluttered open and he breathed heavily.
The first thing he noticed was that he was hanging upside-down. The second was that something was in his eye. He shut his left eye when a liquid dripped into it and looked around with his right. A white powder was everywhere but some sections were drenched with red. He tried to move and cried out in pain. He ground his teeth together and pulled his hands up. Tony wiped his eye and gasped at the red liquid. It oozed down his temple but he couldn't find an opening or a gash where it could be coming from. He breathed through his mouth as the stench of blood overpowered him. The mouth-breathing helped to lessen the smell, but now he could taste it. He was glad he didn't have an appetite for breakfast most days.
Tony whimpered as he ran a hand over his flat chest. He gripped the fabric of the seatbelt currently biting into his skin and brought his trembling hand to the seatbelt mechanism. His hand froze when he touched something soft. He peered down, swallowing past the dizzy spell and brought his blurring vision to one point. He screamed at the mutilated body of his mother. His body was wracked in tremors and he forgot all about controlling his breathing. He screamed for his mother until he was on the verge of passing out.
He was resigned to defeat when she hadn't stirred for minutes. The car creaked in the snow and Tony grunted. He jabbed the release frantically, feeling his panic rising again and trying to get out of the car. He shrieked when the seatbelt suddenly released and he was dropped onto the body. He sobbed and crawled back out the car, fear chilling him to the bone. He brought his bloody body - not his blood, not his blood - away from the wreck, hissing when his left wrist was cut by a jagged piece of glass. He curled into a ball and rocked. Screams tore from his body until he was pulled under by the blissful feeling of unconsciousness.
-----
He was in a car crash when he was thirteen and his mother died.
He'd been in the hospital for weeks. Tony blinked blearily and uncurled from his place in the closet. The market squeaked as he wrote. When he'd come to in the hospital, the doctors said he'd been out for weeks. He had taken to the morphine as an alcoholic would to the bottle until they had to wean him off for health reasons. The pain smashed into him and hazy memories popped up at the most random times. Howard had been furious, but they were in public and he couldn't hurt him in the hospital. That didn't mean he couldn't talk. Oh, how he'd talked. Tony had never felt so terrible in his life and his mother had just died.
Howard managed to manipulate the news story. Instead of it coming out that she was drunk and died in a car accident, it was published that Maria died in a car crash sober while protecting Tony. The persona of motherly. He covered up the fact that she was drunk and driving. The world mourned Maria and everyone expected him to be thankful to be alive. That was the farthest from the truth. He was glad Maria didn't have to live with Howard or the media anymore. Tony didn't understand why Howard had done it then and he was still confused now. It didn't matter whether or not people knew she was drunk; his mother was dead either way. Maybe it was to get her out of the spotlight? He couldn't care less. As Tony sat in the closet, he was glad he didn't have to pass out to sleep this time. His head lolled against the wall and the marker slipped from his hand as he dipped under into the world of dreams.