This is going to be the crackiest thing you've ever read and probably not in a good way. Like this should have stayed a fever dream.
Steve Rogers, 28, Tony's ex, broke his heart~ "How did I leave things with Tony? Not great. But I'm going to win him back. I was trying to figure some stuff out and didn't want to hurt him in the process. I guess when trying to do that I ended up hurting him." (yes hes like 4 million years old I know but I'm going off the post okay)
Dr. Stephen Strange, 38, Rich Doctor~ "I'm the clear choice. Are the others rich doctors? I don't think so."
T'Challa, 34, Literally Royalty~ "A doctor. That's cute. I have several doctors in my palace."
Dr. Stephen Strange, 38, Rich Doctor~ "Okay, but are they conjure up the mystic arts? No, they can't."
T'Challa, 34, Literally Royalty ~ "OoOoOoh I don't have wizards, how scary... I have goats though. Does he have goats?"
"No, he does not have goats."
"Yeah, see? There, I win."
Dr. Stephen Strange, 38, Rich Doctor~ "What? No, he doesn't win... and I can get goats, they're not that special and I'm not a wizard."
Peter quill, 32, legendary outlaw~ "Tony doesn't need any of these douche bags. I'm going to show him the stars."
Bucky, 33, killed Tony parents~"I don't think my past will cause any problems between us. I'm sure Tony and I can make it work." (okay but Sebastian Stan is everything to me he's my husband and I love him don't talk to me)
Sam, 30, big bird~ "Why does my thing say 'big bird'?? Did you let the robo arm in here? Goddamn it."
Bruce, 42, definitely in the friend zone~ "I wouldn't say 'friendzone'. Tony and I are in a... comfortable zone of friendship. That's all."
Loki, old af, the creeper~ "In the end, he will kneel."
"Do you mean that as a dirty joke?"
Loki, old af, the creeper~ "What do you mean?"
Rhodey, 52, Tony's college sweetheart~ "Tony told me he was coming on this show and I was like... honey, no, I'm right here. All the man you need."
Thor, old but buff, like a pirate had a baby with an angel~ "I'm here to win the heart of fair Anthony. Just look at his face. What mortal could resist?"
"But you're not a mortal, so can't you resist him?"
"Well, yes, of course"
"So why are you here?"
"Well, I thought it'd be fun....and I can see Brucey Boy again, and Loki, MY BRUTHUH!"
Peter Parker, 17, Tony's adopted son, host~ "I'm so excited to meet the guys. I can't wait to have another new dad." (I don't quite know how this works and neither does mis amigos so peter's just gonna lie around the house and uuhhh get into tea)
You can't blame Tony for going on a show like this. His bad relationship luck was off the walls. First, there was Rhodey who was a great fit for him in college but they weren't compatible after. Then there was Steve. Damn Steve. (me after endgame.) Of course, he would always love Steve.(#notmysteve) He had to. Steve was everything to him, it's not like he could just forget that, no matter how hard he tried. And then Thor. Poor Thor. Hopefully he didn't think anything was still there, Tony thought. Tony might have had a few one-night stands with Thor but he was just lonely and Thor knew that. Well, probably.
Tony stood on the dimly lit front porch of The Bachelor house. His hands were sweating and he couldn't shake the nervous feeling in his stomach. He could just go home right now, forget this ever happened. Everything would be fine, no one would ever know.
His thoughts were cut short by the sound of a car pulling up. He waited patiently as the limo door slowly opened. This was not happening. Absolutely not. He saw a figure crouched behind the one and only Captain America shield. Tony was gonna flip his shit if Steve-
"Wait," a voice spoke behind the shield. It wasn't Steve. Jesus Christ, what is this? What's happening? (me all the time just 24/7) "It's not Steve, I promise, I just don't wanna die yet."
"Come out from behind the shield and we'll go from there, otherwise this is going to be a very difficult season." The figure stood upright, still covering his torso with his face tucked behind the shield. Slowly, the figure moved his eyes above the shield and looked at Tony. They made eye contact briefly before the figure moved the shield all the way away from his face and gave Tony a warm and exaggeratedly big smile.
"Hey Tony, listen. About your parents-"
"Get inside Barnes."
"You got it, buddy," Bucky said still holding a friendly and awkward smile and walking inside.
"Hey Barnes, ...Cap doesn't like being far from his shield. How are you gonna get it back to him from inside the hou- no...no way. He's not-"
"Sorry Tony." the longer-haired man said sympathetically with a small, sad smile but not apologetic in the slightest as he turned back down the pathway.
"...Barnes."
"Yeah Tony?" He stopped once more, calling out to the Bachelor.
"Good call on the shield," Tony said dryly.
"Thanks, Tony." Bucky chuckled.
Tony was already annoyed and he had only met the first contestant. The next limo pulled up. Tony took in the sight of the tall, muscular, broad, blond man walk towards him. He smiled warmly at Tony and the shorter man couldn't help but softly blush and smile back. Thank god it was dark out. Tony looked up at the green eyes staring back at him. Tony could smell the familiar scent of a musky cologne he loved.
"Hey, I'm Peter."(Quill Quill oh my god not Parker work with your better judgment) He flashed another warm, small smile, making Tony want to kiss him right then and there.
"Tony," the shorter man replied shaking his hand and smiling, "My son's name is Peter, actually. He's inside the house. He insisted on coming to 'watch over everything' and 'keep me safe.' He managed to convince the producers to let him host this season. He's only here because there's no school drama while he's out for the summer. But he'll be eighteen soon and move out not long after that so I'll take all the time with him I can get I guess." Tony laughed at the thought of his son.
"That's cute. I'm sure he's a handful." Peter grinned and Tony smiled and nodded. The two looked at each other for a moment longer than necessary. Not awkwardly just enough that both of them felt giddy inside.
Tony stood there dumbfounded over the effect the man had on him in such a small amount of time. He stood there with a big dumb smile on his face.
That is until he saw Captain Steve Rogers step out of the limo next.
His blond hair neatly combed back and his face cleanly shaven. (or not idrc whatever youre into Im into his every look anyways)
He was dressed perfectly, his outfit complete with a thin black tie. God, Captain fucking America, of course, he always looked amazing, he really couldn't not. It was all in the serum; it kept him looking amazing in everything he wore. It didn't help that Steve always put effort into everything he did, and that didn't come from the bottle. It was just who he was. Always wanting to look his best just for the sake of it. Not because he was full of himself, but because he wanted to.
Steve got out of the limo and walked to Tony. Steve looked down at Tony and he could feel his gut wrench and his stomach turn in every way possible. Steve's eyes were blue in the warm lighting. Steve reached out to brush a piece of hair out of Tony's face. Tony ducked out of the way and pushed Steve's hand down and shook his head.
"Steve, what the hell are you doing here?" Tony asked, his voice sharp and rightfully angry.
"Tony, I'm sorry. I know how much I must have hurt you but please, give me another chance."
"Why should I? What reason could you possibly have? Because last I knew, you left me for someone else who didn't even want you at that. You know you don't even know that because you're too much of a coward to find out." Tony wasn't going to hold back. Steve broke his heart into a million pieces. He needs him to understand what that felt like.
"Tony, you know it wasn't like that-" Steve didn't know what to do. Tony was right. He left. He had to, it wasn't right to be with Tony when he was thinking about being with someone else. He couldn't help it. He was always in love with Bucky when he found him after all those years. But Bucky didn't love him like that, or at least he didn't show it, and Steve knew he had to move on. He couldn't mope about waiting for someone who didn't love him to love him. Well, he probably would, but he wanted to pretend he wasn't. (me bitch i do this all the time)
"Oh really? My bad, I must be remembering wrong. How exactly did it happen, Steve? Hmm?"
"Tony, I'm sorry, I-"
"Go inside Steve."
"What? You're not even going to talk to me? I'm over him Tony, I swear. He just came back and all those feelings were brought up all at once, I couldn't help it. I love you, you know that, but seeing Bucky again... it brought back repressed feelings from seventy years ago. Nothing's between us now I swear." Steve was lying right out of his ass,(lol better put a cock in it. get it cuz the saying is put a sock in it for a mouth but because hes lying out of his ass its cock because... gay.. sex.. its... no im not explaining gay sex on the internet for the sake of a joke its funny ok)(only kinda tho its pretty bad) and he knew it.
But he was working on it. It's not like he was ever going to be over his first love so he might as well repress his feelings as much as possible and try not to feel the hurt. (jesus christ now im just writing my life story. im literally doing this now ive dated 3 perfectly fine guys while still being in love with this girl whos one of my best friends but she doesnt like me like that so i just deal and hope she never finds out:))
Tony was on the verge of tears now. He was so close to grabbing Steve and kissing him until his lips fell off. The man had a power over him no else had ever had. (Ha, yeah, he has a power over me too... my god. -Opal)
He stared up at Steve and into his blue eyes. His feelings were all over the place. He wanted to believe Steve but he also knew how Steve felt about Bucky. You can't just 'get over' that kind of thing. They had an almost domestic relationship back in Brooklyn. They had to be secretive of just how close they were for fear of people thinking they were gay, even though they weren't together. They were close enough that it would have been speculated had Bucky not have had his fair share of women. It hurt Tony to think about it. Sympathy or something.
"I have nothing to say to you, Steve. Just go inside. There are more people coming and you can't be out here." Tony said calmly, a look of hurt across his face as he closed himself off.
"Tony-"
"Inside, Steve. I'm not gonna tell you again." Tony said glaring at Steve coldly.
"Fine." Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair, walking away up the path behind Tony. He turned when he heard Tony call his name. His voice only a little sharp. Tony didn't even turn to face Steve, but instead just continued to look out at the dimly lit driveway, waiting for the next limo.
"He's inside, just so you know. I didn't hurt him. I know it wasn't him. The shield was a nice touch." Tony showed barely any emotions. Steve just nodded and walked inside. His stomach flipped at the thought of Bucky but he brushed it off. As always.
Tony sighed and buried his face in his hands. He wiped his eyes with his hands, thankful he could hold in the tears until Steve was gone. He heard the limo door close and he turned around. This couldn't get any worse.
"Rhodey, what the actual fuck? Why are you here?" Tony's words were sharp and agitated. He couldn't believe everything that was happening right now. Just his luck. The only good thing to come out of this so far was the blonde man he'd met earlier. Tony's heart stopped at the thought of him.
"Why are you here, Tony? You know we made everything work. We were great together. All these other guys... they can't recreate what we had. I mean, look, you're already crying. What has managed to happen in such a short amount of time that made you cry already?"
"First of all, good. Second of all, that is none of your fucking business." Tony snapped back quickly, raising his eyebrows and half sitting, half leaning against the planter housing a tall palm tree and some other small gardening shrubs.
"Look, Tony, you know me and you worked well together." Rhodey leaned against the planter next to Tony.
"You and I." Tony muttered, crossing his arms and looking out onto the driveway.
"Exactly Tony, you and I, we-"
"No, that's not what I meant." Tony shook his head, trying to regain his previous thoughts.
"Look, Rhodey, you and I... we had fun. College was fun... it was good. It was good for both of us. We kept each other stable, kept each other in check, but it's over. We were never going to work after that. It was puppy love and you knew it. I just can't believe you're here."
"I'm going to win you back Tony. We belong together, you an-'"
"Jesus Christ, Rhodey, just save it. Go inside, you're bothering me."
"Just think about it, okay?" Rhodey said rubbing Tony's shoulder and walking past him inside the house to join the rest of the men.
Tony felt like his head is going to explode as his eyes started to water again. Truth be told, he did miss Rhodey, but he couldn't date him. He was an ass. There's no way this is going to get worse, Tony thought. It can't. Tony sighed and jumped up to sit on the planter fully. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes before taking three deep breaths and counting to fifteen, a calming technique Peter taught him. Everything was such a mess and he had only met four contestants.
"Tony? Honey, you okay?"
Tony looked up and smiled widely, his eyes soft.
"Bruce! Oh my god. You have no idea how happy I am to see you. Jesus fuck, everything's such a mess and I've only seen like four contestants. I don't understand." Tony was so relieved to see someone he knew and wasn't currently picturing their head on a stick. It seemed to be getting progressively more difficult to get both qualities in one person.
"Jesus Tony, whatever the hell is happening, it sounds like it can't get worse, so here," Bruce produced a small pack of tissues from his jacket pocket and started to wipe Tony's eyes. "I'll be inside and we can talk later, but give me a crash course. What's going on?" Tony sniffled and took the tissues from Bruce before wiping his nose.
"Steve's here, so's Rhodey and Barnes. Don't have a big problem with Barnes, but he's not helping. There's one guy that I actually do like, but I don't know him, and I'm worried the other three are going to... I don't even know... there are so many possibilities, and I just-" Tony was starting to freak out.
"Okay, okay, look at me, I'm here. I'll keep everything in check until you get there, okay? Alright, clearly there's details here I don't know. Just dry your eyes. Breathe. Everything's gonna be fine. Just get through the rest of these guys and we'll go from there. It'll be fine." Tony shook his head and started to level his breathing.
"Thanks, Banner." Tony breathed out, his voice sounding less shaky.
"No problem, hotshot. You need a hug?" Tony shook his head. Bruce gave him a tight hug for a small moment, but long enough to make Tony feel better. "Okay, I'm gonna go manage these guys. Fill me in later?" Tony just nodded and smiled. Only a small smile, but a real one.
Tony pulled himself together and smiled wide when he saw the next contestant step out of the limo. A tall, black man stepped out. His smile was beaming as he walked up to Tony.
"T'Challa." the man said with a smooth accent, reaching out and shaking Tony's hand, before bringing it to his lips and placing a soft, sweet kiss on Tony's hand. It was all very forward and sweet, which was not really his style, but was a nice change of pace from some of the other contestants. Tony hadn't been entranced by the man's physicality but rather by his grace and confidence. While his gestures weren't really Tony's speed, he was definitely attracted to the man.
"Tony." He smiled back.
"Ah, Anthony," T'Challa dropped Tony's hand gently and put his own behind his back, leaving a comfortable distance between them. "It's Latin. It means priceless." He gave a small smile.(idk maybe? thats what the google said) Tony gently laughed, slightly amused.
"Oh, does it now?" Tony asked, still smiling.
"Well, clearly." He gestured to Tony as he fully checked him out. He walked around him spinning their positions before walking back toward the steps, keeping eye contact before turning around and heading up to the house, leaving Tony conflicted as hell for the umpteenth time that night.
"Aye, you ready for the fun one yet?" (i think ive accidentally written anthony mackie rather than sam but is anyone really complaining? dont answer that hes my baby and i love him))
Tony hadn't even heard the limo pull up.
"Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun. My name's Sam. Call me when all these guys are breaking your heart and you need a distraction. I'll take you midnight surfing or something."
The man walked right past him and into the house. He could be good for Tony. Maybe a little friendly fun wasn't a bad idea. Tony jumped up to sit on the planter again and waited for the next limo. Tony took a drink out of the plastic water cup and set it down as the long, dark-haired man stepped out of the limo, dressed in an all-black suit. Tony definitely looked, though he did it inconspicuously. He looked like he was glowing under the single street light contrasting the dark night air.
"How's it going, Rock of Ages?" (i love that line yes ik its from avengers 1 i use it on my brothers all the time) Tony asked, mostly rhetorically, just needing an excuse to poke fun at the man.
"I'm Loki." the man said, surprisingly cheerfully, while extending his hand to help Tony off the planter.
"Tony." He responded, excepting his hand.
"So, you like Rock of Ages huh? Or you just know the storyline and enjoy making accusations?" He said, pretending to be a little hurt.
"Oh yeah! Big, big 80s movie fan." A smile lit up Tony's face, as the other man just chuckled in amusement.
"What's your favorite? I don't know that many myself. We had none where I grew up"
"Oh, well, that's like choosing between children...so probably The Breakfast Club. Gotta go with the most classic of the classics."
"That's quite basic." Loki sassed, his eyes examining Tony as a small smirk crept up his pink lips. "Real Genius was better."
"Never seen it." Lies, lies, all bold face lies. But Tony wanted to lay on the couch with this man and watch the best 80s movie ever,(fIght me) and this seemed like a very good way to do that. The man was just staring at him now, in shock.
"Oh, we have to fix that." The man said playfully.
"Oh, do we now?"
The older man (by like a million years) shook his head and lightly scoffed before walking up to the house. He turned back midway up the pathway and winked to Tony, knowing he was staring as he walked away.
As weirdly haunting as that guy was, nothing could have prepared him for what was next. As Tony turned back around from watching the man walk right past him. He saw a tall, thin man leaning against the limo. His eyes traveled down Tony's body and then back up slowly, making eye contact with him and smirking slightly. He looked to the side and pushed himself off the limo with his back. Slowly he walked up to Tony and stuck out his hand to shake Tony's. (Here we go everyone, buckle the fuck up. -Opal) (Opal has a thing for strange im v sorry yall. him and chris evans. i was describing him one time in a scene and it literally just said his hair was wet and she like screamed)
"Strange." The man said in a low, strong voice. Something about his eyes threw Tony off.
"Yeah, a bit."
"No, that's my name, Doctor Stephen Strange. Happens every time, don't feel bad."
"Doctor?" Tony asked, his voice as dry and flat as normal, even if he didn't necessarily mean it to be all time.
"Doctor." The taller replied, with the same tone of enthusiasm as Tony.
"In what?" Tony asked. Oh my god, his hands are glowing... HIS HANDS ARE GLOWING, Tony screamed inside his head. "What the fuck is that?!?" Tony almost couldn't get his words out as he stared shockingly at the orange particles being formed into a portal.
Tony gestured to the glowing orange portal showing what looked to be some sort of Matilda level slideshow bullshit. He could see Strange working over an operating table.
"I was a neurosurgeon," he started and then closed the portal. "and then I got into a car accident that made my hands shaky, so I couldn't operate anymore."
"So then you became Harry Potter?" Tony rose a brow playfully.
"I'm not Harry Potter."
"Whatever E.T., but I'm expecting you to tell me what that is at some point."
"Maybe." Stephen took one swift look at Tony up and down, his face expressionless.
The man shrugged and turned and walked into the house without a second word. That was more his style. Sharp, witty, and a bit disrespectful. Tony turned around, still dumbfounded.
He felt a sinking feeling when he saw the long blond-haired man step out and walk to him, a shining smile glued to his face.
"Anthony! How's it going, my little man?" Thor said wrapping his body around Tony in a big, bone-crushing hug. He pulled back still holding Tony's shoulders.
"Thor, honey, I'm sorry. What happened between us it-"
"Nonsense Anthony, I'm here for Banner, no worries," Thor said, still beaming a large smile across his face. Thor let go of Tony's shoulders, gesturing Tony to follow him. "Shall we not waste any more time?"
"I guess." Tony sighed out, still confused by Thor. But then again, when was he not?
ew i hated that why did i agree to let you do this