Hello, people!
So, here's the second part of the previous chapter (#15: It's A Hard Life - Part I). If you haven't already read it, go check it first. This story will also have a third (and last) part because it became longer than I expected.
Trigger warnings are the same: blackmailing, death threats, rape/ sexual assault, self-harming, mention of suicide.
Note: There are many ships in this world, so I apologise if Loki's interaction with Wanda, Bucky, Thor and Sam in this and the next chapter feels strange to you in case you ship him with any of these characters --because, in this story, they're all platonic.
I'm sorry this took me so long.
Punished on August 2019
...
The entire time Loki and Fred were on the mission went on like this. Loki worked like a dog all day and then had to put himself through Fred's sadistic sexual desires at night.
It was so difficult and painful. The mission was tough on its own, and all this added extra weight on Loki's shoulders.
Being assaulted every single night.
Lying to Y/N, telling her everything was okay when it couldn't get any worse.
He just wanted everything to stop, but he did not know how to make it stop. He had never felt so ashamed in his life. So low. So dirty.
He had lost his sleep. It was never easy for him to drift off, but now it was nearly impossible. He just lay there, in the bed, motionless, almost like a dead body, trembling. The first nights, tears streamed down his cheeks every time, but then it stopped. He had no tears to shed anymore. He just felt as though he had hit rock bottom, but then the floor gave out.
That night was the last of their mission. It hurt, like every time. Loki stared frontwards without actually seeing anything at all. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to calm himself down and get some sleep. When he didn't make it, he opened his eyes again and then looked at the time in his smartphone, which was on the nightstand.
4:18 AM.
Damn. Loki sat up and covered his face with his palm. Just relax. Eventually, he stood up, got in the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
He propped himself on the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Damn, he looked so tired and desperate. And scared. So scared. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent than any other time –sign that something was really wrong.
Fred had overdone it this time. He had hurt the God of Mischief more than any other time. There were marks all over Loki's body; they had never been so many before. Bloody psychopath.
Loki turned on the faucet and let the water flow into the bathtub. Then, he got in and sat down, pulling his knees close to his chest.
"So... here we are".
Loki lifted his head and gazed at the (dressed –unlike him) clone of himself he had unconsciously created. The clone ran his fingers through his hair and then leaned his shoulder against the wall.
"What are we doing now?"
Loki lowered his head at the sound of the question.
"I don't know", he mumbled then, "Any ideas?"
"Kill the bastard, maybe?"
"You're not helping me", the God of Mischief responded, rolling his eyes.
"I am you, technically. I can't tell you something you haven't already thought. But you know that, don't you?"
"Of course I know", Loki replied intensely, "I just thought you might bring to light an idea from my subconscious or something like that".
The clone pressed his lips together and lowered his look.
"We are so fucked, aren't we?"
"Yeah..." Loki murmured and placed his chin on his knees.
It was one of those times when he thought to himself how terrible everything was and how his life always shucked. He had just begun having a good life. Why should this stop?
"Hey, don't..." mumbled the clone.
He walked towards Loki and knelt next to the bathtub.
"Everything will be alright someday", he whispered, looking at Loki sympathetically.
"Someday..."
The moment that the clone's fingers touched Loki's shoulder, he began fading out until he disappeared. Loki let out a sigh; how desperate he was! Needing to make a clone of himself to get some comfort.
He sat in there for some time until he realised he was in the bathroom for too long. He got out of the bathtub and, after wrapping a towel around his body, he went back into the room.
He walked to his suitcase, got dressed silently –very silently, indeed so that he wouldn't wake Fred up– and lay in the small bed, the one he hadn't got to use at all.
He looked at the time in his smartphone one more time.
5:44 AM.
He wrapped himself in the sheet and only then did he manage to nod off.
~-~-~
"Wake up, Loki!" Fred's grumpy voice echoed like a bell in Loki's head, and the next second, he felt a hand dragging the sheet from his body.
Fuck off, pervert.
"I said wake up", Fred repeated, and suddenly Loki felt his hand on his torso.
The God of Mischief snapped his eyes open and bent frontwards, lifting his torso upright abruptly.
"I'm awake", he said quickly without looking up at Fred, pushing his hand away.
He heard Fred's arrogant laugh as he stood up and walked away. Then, he rubbed his eyes and looked at the time.
9:20 AM.
So, he had managed to sleep for about four hours; this was far better than the sleepless nights he had experienced.
"Why did you go to the other bed?" Fred asked.
Loki bit his underlip as he tried to think what he should say next.
"I just..." he mumbled then, "I couldn't sleep, and I thought I might need some space".
His excuse seemed to convince Fred because he turned around and began arranging his things.
Loki sighed and stood up. He picked a black outfit from his suitcase and went to the bathroom to change his clothes. While wearing his belt, he looked at himself in the mirror and let out a sigh as he took his brush and combed his hair hurriedly. At least he didn't look that bad now; sleep had helped him along. He still looked tired, though –and there was nothing he could do about that.
He sighed and opened the bathroom's door, glancing at Fred before sitting in the bed and beginning putting on his shoes.
"You look so good in black".
Loki lifted his head, and his hands clenched into tight fists when he saw Fred approaching with that look on his face. Oh shit.
"You know when you look better?" Fred continued and pushed Loki down into the mattress, "When you take everything off".
He began taking Loki's belt off, his eyes full of lust. The trickster's heart was hammering in his ribcage as fear began to take over.
"Freddie", he whispered, his voice shaky, "We... we've got a flight to catch".
Fred's eyes sparkled with disappointment, and he finally pulled himself back. It probably was the first time he listened to what Loki was saying since he began doing what he was doing.
"I hate the fact that you are right", he said as he turned around.
Loki sat up and took a deep breath, putting his palm against his chest so that he could feel his quick heartbeat more intensely. Near miss. He finished putting on his right shoe, straightened his belt, put on his leather jacket and stood up. Thankfully, he had prepared everything from the previous day, so he just had to zip his suitcase, put his smartphone in his backpack, and he was ready to go.
"Uhh, come on!" he grumbled as he waited for Fred to finish packing up, "I told you to do this yesterday night so that you would not have any packing in the morning, but –as always– you didn't listen and chose sex instead".
His heart sank, and his stomach turned to knots as he recalled the previous night's happenings. He lowered his look and bit his underlip.
"Damn you, Freddie", he said under his breath, trying to prevent his voice from cracking, "Do you have any idea how much it hurts?"
"Well, I had told you that you would pay for dumping me", Fred replied apathetically, zipping his suitcase.
"A punch or a slap or something suchlike would be further equal to this", Loki opposed coldly, opening the door.
"Your opinion", replied Fred, walking out of the room, pulling his suitcase behind him.
Loki got out too and closed the door.
"I'm not gonna oppose, but you know what I think", he said as he locked the door.
"Of course I know", responded Fred, "Babe".
The man (if he could still be called one) walked to the elevator and a few seconds after he disappeared behind its doors. Loki glanced at him and then he turned his gaze towards the door of room 211. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, his fingers clenching tight around the doorknob.
Stay strong, he thought to himself, as he pressed his forehead against the wooden surface and took a deep breath. Then, he opened his eyes and stepped back, staring at the inscribed '211'. The entrance of the room of his nightmares. He knew the number would stay in his mind forever.
He realised that tears were running down his cheeks. He wiped them away quickly and walked to the stairs.
~-~-~
"You realise that what has been happening these two weeks will continue after returning to New York, right?"
Loki was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Fred's voice. He did not dare to turn his head towards his torturer; he just kept staring at the empty aeroplane seat on his right.
"Y-yeah", he muttered and propped his chin on his palm, resting his ankle on his seat's arm.
Truth to be told, he had never thought of this possibility before, and now his mind began processing what it really meant. All this martyrdom would not be over –no, it would continue. Behind Y/N's back. It felt awfully like cheating on her, and this thought made Loki feel butterflies in his stomach.
"Look", he began saying and looked up at Fred, "I need you to give me some time. Just a few days to rest. Give me one week, and then I... I'll do what you want".
"You have four days", Fred answered gravely, "And don't even think to try to bargain, or you will lose them all".
"A-alright, thanks", Loki stuttered, biting his underlip so hard it could shed blood.
The flight was long, and Fred soon nodded off. Loki tried to sleep and then to read his book. He managed neither, so he eventually brought out his phone and his earphones and put on some sad music.
Some minutes later, the God of Mischief wiped the tears that were running down his eyes away pulled his earphones. He stood up and walked to the toiled. He locked the door behind him and then pushed his back against it and closed his eyes. Fuck. How would he face Y/N in this state? How would he face anyone? Would he ever get any better as the martyrdom would go on?
He had the urge to scream, but the lump in his throat blocked all the sounds. He stayed there for some minutes until he heard the flight attendant landing announcement:
"Welcome to LaGuardia Airport, New York City. Local Time is 20:18. Temperature is 60oF. For the safety of passengers, please stay seated with belts on, until..."
Loki got out of the toilet quickly and sat on his seat and put on his seatbelt, patting on Fred's shoulder to wake him up.
"...we would like to thank you and hope to see you again. We hope you have a pleasant stay in the city".
"Freddie", he muttered silently, "Wake up, or I'll have to slap you".
Fred blinked and sat up.
"Huh? We arrived?" he asked with a yawn.
"Yeah", Loki answered, "We are landing now".
"Okay, thanks, babe", said Fred, rubbing his eyes and stretching his hands frontwards.
"Uhh, please don't call me like this, I beg you", Loki grumbled in response, rolling his eyes.
Fred smirked and averted his look.
"Why don't you like it, really?"
Loki realised that Fred had turned his face towards him again. He quickly looked away and began fidgeting nervously, his dark eyebrows knitted into a frown.
"I don't... It doesn't... represent me", Loki muttered, "Look, I know it's stupid, forget what I said. You can call me however you want".
"I won't", said Fred, "Call you 'babe' again", he added then.
Loki's frown became deeper as he looked at Fred in confusion.
"A-alright, thank you", he mumbled doubtfully.
Loki and Fred needed some time to disembark and finish with the passport check and the customhouse. After taking their luggage, they headed to the exit.
Walking out of the airport, Loki scanned the outer space with his eyes, and a few seconds then he spotted Y/N, Wanda and Bucky standing out of the latter's car. When they saw him and Fred, they waved, and Loki could see –even from a distance– their lips curving upwards in beaming grins.
Without caring whether Fred was following him or not, Loki began walking faster towards his friends and his beloved girlfriend. When he arrived near them, before anyone could say anything, he wrapped his arms around Y/N's waist, holding her tight as though his life depended on it. He felt her embracing him back, and he smiled dimly, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and his lungs filled with her scent; he would never stop loving the way she could calm him down.
"I'm glad to see you too, Loki", said Y/N and Loki let out a small laugh before releasing the hug.
"I missed you", he said, his face lit up.
"My goodness, you look tired", Y/N mumbled when she looked into his eyes.
"I'll be alright", he said, at least I hope so, he added in his mind.
"How cute", Fred's voice sounded behind the God of Mischief.
Loki's smile faded from his lips as he rolled his eyes. Can you not fucking say that all the time?
"Zip it, Freddie", he grumbled as he looked at the man with disdain.
After exchanging greetings, hugs and handshakes with each other, the five-member team got in the car –Bucky on the wheel, Fred on the passenger seat and Loki, Y/N and Wanda on the backseat.
"So, how did it go?" asked Wanda while Bucky put his foot on the accelerator and began driving.
"Huh? Err... great, we did great", Loki mumbled, not paying much attention, his eyes gazing out of the window.
He felt Y/N's fingers clenching around his hand. He squeezed her palm without looking at her. What would she do if she knew, really? Would she stand by him or she would abandon him? Would she understand or she would get mad at him?
He pressed his forehead against the window and let out a sigh. She mustn't find out.
"Loki, are you alright?" sounded Bucky's voice, snapping the God of Mischief back to reality.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired", Loki hastened to say, but his grip on Y/N's hand tightened.
Nobody must find out.
~-~-~
It had been three days since Loki came back from the mission, and Y/N couldn't help but notice the changes in his behaviour. He flinched at the slightest touch, pushed her back whenever she kissed him and refused to make love to her, finding several excuses such as "I'm tired", "I'm not in the mood for this" or "I don't feel so good right now".
Furthermore, he ate less than usual, claiming that he had no appetite, and he always looked preoccupied and distant. When Y/N asked him if something bothered him, he always replied "No, everything's alright" or something suchlike, but she could sense something was going on –and it was not good.
Sometimes, Loki woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. He tried not to awaken Y/N, but sometimes it was inevitable. When this happened, he pulled her into his embrace, telling her how much he loved her, what a great person she was, and that he wouldn't know what to do without her.
"Isn't it good?" asked Y/N, looking at Loki's almost untouched plate.
"Huh?" hummed Loki, turning his face towards her so that she could see his tired eyes –he hadn't got much sleep again.
"The food. Don't you like it?"
"I do, it's delicious, I'm just not really hungry", he hastened to say, giving Y/N a wan smile that faded out when he heard the next question.
"Loki, what's going on?"
The God of Mischief tensed up, then let out a sigh and placed his fork down.
"Nothing is going on. I'm just in a weird mood these days, that's all", Loki replied and forced himself to eat so that he could prove he was sincere.
How long could he lie to her? And what would he do when he wouldn't be able to lie anymore? He pushed the thought away. Just let it be.
His train of thought was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He picked it from the other side of the table and all the colours drained from his face. Damn it.
"I should pick this up, give me a minute", he said quickly, as he stood up and walked out of the kitchen.
He got in the bedroom and shut the door behind his back.
"What do you want, Freddie?" he asked, answering the call.
"Good evening, Loki", Fred responded, and Loki could almost see the ironic smirk on his lips.
"What do you want?" he repeated, this time more intensely.
"Come by in one hour and a half".
"Y-you said f-four days", Loki stuttered, "W-we're in the third".
"I changed my mind. I don't give you four days. You had enough time to rest. Come by".
"B-but... Freddie, please, don't do this to me-"
"I'm not listening. You'll be here in one hour and a half".
With these words, Fred hung up, leaving Loki dumbfounded. He took a couple of steps, taking hold of the cabinet so that he wouldn't collapse. He placed his smartphone down and closed his eyes.
"Fuck", he muttered, his hands clenching into tight fists.
He heard the door cracking open and, after a few seconds, he felt Y/N's hand on his shoulder.
"Loki", she said under her breath, her voice full of concern.
Loki said nothing. He just turned around and embraced her tight.
"I love you... I love you so, so much. You mean the world to me", he whispered, tears running down his cheeks.
I'm sorry for doing this. Freddie said he'll hurt you if I don't cooperate; I can't let him harm you.
"What's going on, Loki?" Y/N asked, releasing the hug and looking into his eyes.
"Just trust me, okay?" he replied, taking her hands in his palms.
Y/N shook her head and looked away. Loki put his hand on her chin and lifted it slightly, a sad smile forming on his lips. He gave her a soft, tender kiss and caressed her cheek.
"I... I have to go now. I have some miles to drive", he said, wiping his tears away.
He took his phone and the car keys and walked past Y/N, grabbing his leather jacket from the hanger and his shoes from the floor. He put them on and then walked to the front door.
"Take care, huh?" Y/N said as Loki got out of the house.
"I will".
The truth was that Loki needed only forty minutes to drive to Fred's house. He arrived much earlier than Fred had told him. He unfastened his seatbelt and pressed his forehead against his steering wheel.
"Loki of Asgard, Odinson, rightful king of Jotunheim, you are a fucking idiot", he cursed himself, "You're a useless crap, a worthless fodder, a bloody whore".
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Frederick Malloy, you are a bastard, a fucking sadistic hedonist, a twisted torturer, a freaking monster", he kept muttering to himself.
He stayed like that for some time, with his head on the wheel and his eyes shut, mumbling nonsense to himself. When he looked at his watch, he saw it was time. He took a few short breaths, then got out of the car and, after locking it, walked to Fred's door.
It took all the strength he had to ring the doorbell, then the door opened, and a smirking Fred appeared in the doorway.
"My my, look who it is", said the man as he stepped back to let Loki walk in.
The God of Mischief got in, looking behind his shoulder, wishing there was a way out. But there wasn't.
~-~-~
The God of Mischief breathed heavily, as Fred pulled away. Three times. He fucked him three fucking times. Wasn't one enough already? With shaky hands, he looked at his watch, which was still around his wrist.
11:25 PM.
Fuck.
He propped himself on his hands and attempted to lift his torso upright. He didn't make it. He took a deep breath and tried again. At last, he did it. He bit his underlip and shut his eyes.
"Where do you think you're going?" he heard Fred's voice as Loki pressed his feet against the cold floor, still sat, and scanned the floor with his eyes, looking for his clothes.
"I-I really need to leave", he said, grabbing his underwear and pants and putting them on quickly.
"Uhh, come on! You can stay here for the night-"
"No, I cannot, I must go", Loki cut Fred short, his voice was harsh.
He picked his shirt and wore it, then let out a sigh as he stood up and took his shoes and shocks. Hopefully, Fred said nothing –and this was a good sign. Loki finished with his shoes and then walked to the door, taking his leather jacket from the chair which was placed next to it.
"Tomorrow, same time", said Fred.
Loki turned rigid and stood like that for a few seconds. When he took control of himself again, he nodded and left the room. Getting out of the house, he gazed at it for some moments. "Tomorrow, same time". How long? How long would he have to do this?
~-~-~
"Loki?" Y/N's voice echoed in the hallway.
The God of Mischief lifted his head as he shut the door behind him, his eyes scanning the living room. Some seconds then, Y/N walked in. Loki quickly averted his look as she approached. She put a hand on his shoulder; he flinched at her touch and shoved her hand away. When he realised what he had done, he hung his head low.
"Are you alright?" Y/N asked, but she knew both Loki's answer ("yes") and the truth ("no").
"Y-yeah, yeah, of c-course", Loki replied and, damn, his voice sounded so pathetic!
He took a step frontwards but lost his balance, grabbing Y/N's shoulders to prevent himself from falling. Realising his action and still being shocked from what had happened, he instantly took his hands away from her and lowered his head.
"I-I'm sorry for that. I think I'll have a shower now if you don't mind", Loki said and walked past Y/N.
"Loki, wait!" she cried out, grabbing his wrist.
Loki flinched, then turned around and violently pushed her hand away, his eyes sparkling. He looked in Y/ N's eyes and his facial expression softened.
"Y/N, please, I'm tired. Give me some minutes, okay?" he said then, and a sad smile appeared on his thin lips.
"Alright then", she muttered and lowered her head, "But I need to know what's going on".
Loki said nothing; he just turned around and walked to the bedroom. He took some clothes and a towel and got into the bathroom. After stripping from what he already wore he looked at himself in the mirror and, damn, he looked so fucked up. The marks that Fred had made on his skin made him blench, and he turned around, averting his look from the glass. He got in the bathtub, trying to control his tremble. His head was pounding, and all the conflicted emotions made him want to scream.
All this was happening behind her back. It would break her heart if she ever found out.
She mustn't find out.
Nobody should ever find out.
When he finished with the shower and got out of the bathroom, after putting on his pyjamas and making sure his t-shirt covered all the marks, he went to the bedroom, where he found Y/N sitting in the bed, reading a book. When she noticed him, she shot a glare in his direction and continued reading.
Loki let out a sigh as he sat beside her on the other side of the bed. He bit his underlip and then put a hand on Y/N's book, pulling it down gently, looking at Y/N in the eyes.
She looked into his blue orbs, and she suddenly could see hundreds of conflicted emotions battling inside him. Emotions that he let her see; how could anyone ever tell how many where the ones he concealed?
"What's going on, Loki?" she asked, grasping his hand.
Loki took a few moments to think the right words to give her a satisfying answer without revealing the events or lying.
"I made a mistake some time ago, and it's coming back to me like a ball you throw on a wall and returns to hit you in the face", he said then, "I have to make things up first, and then I will talk to you. I don't want to implicate you in it. And besides... you have helped me enough already, haven't you?" he added, tugging a strand of Y/N's hair behind her ear, his lips curving into a small smile.
Y/N smiled back and, before she could even realise it, Loki pulled her in a sweet, tender kiss, full of love. He closed his eyes as he cupped her cheek and crawled closer to her.
Breaking the kiss slowly, he pressed his forehead against her own, his eyes still being shut.
"You know I love you, don't you?" he hummed sweetly.
"Of course. I love you too", Y/N replied lovingly, "Ice cream".
Loki opened his eyes and grinned, and finally let out a small laugh.
"Ice cream?" he asked then, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah", Y/N replied, "Because you are cold and sweet".
Loki laughed slightly as he and Y/N slid under the covers.
"Goodnight, little brownie".
"Goodnight, ice cream", Y/N replied joyfully, getting closer to him, seeking the warmth of his embrace.
~-~-~
If only that night had never come...
It had been about a month since the... happenings at that mission, or 'Room 211', as Loki used to call it in his mind. It was a regular day in the compound. The Avengers helped the police in a robbery investigation, and that was it. Loki glanced at the clock on the wall –it was 7:15 PM– when Rhodey got in the room.
"Well, it seems today was not that tiring at all", he said, causing everyone else in the room (Loki, Y/N, Bucky and Fred) to turn their heads towards him, "You guys are free to go. Y/N, I'll need you for about two more hours; I have some work to give you".
"Alright, umm... Loki, meeting at home?" she said, gazing at the God of Mischief.
"Err... yeah, sure", he said and smiled wanly, as he stood up, "Rhodes, don't tire her too much", he added, looking at Rhodey.
"I won't", replied the man and beamed.
After taking his stuff, he got out of the compound and headed to his car.
"Loki", he heard Fred's voice while he unlocked the car's door, and his face turned even paler than it already was as he glanced at the man.
"What do you want", he asked.
"Your house. Now".
"W-what? But-"
"Your girl will be absent for at least two hours. You have no excuse".
Shit, shit, shit, sHIT!
"A-alright. I drive, you follow, okay?" he whispered then, averting his look.
Fred patted on Loki's shoulder as a response and walked to his car. Damn it, damn it, dAMN IT!
Loki got in his car and shut the door, then pressed his forehead against the steering wheel –this had become a habit to him.
"Why should this happen?" he cried to himself, closing his eyes, "Why the fuck should this happen?!"
He had a bad feeling for this. At his house? Why not at Fred's, like every other time?
"What have I done to him to deserve this treatment...? Why did I choose to date this filthy monster back then, there are literally seven and a half billion options..."
His train of thought was interrupted by someone tapping on the glass of the window, causing Loki to lift his head. Bucky was standing in front of the door, looking at him with concern. Loki opened the window and raised an eyebrow.
"Hey", he said.
"Hey. Are you alright?" asked Bucky and frowned.
"Yeah, I was just dealing with some shit, nothing serious –this method helps me calm down", said the God of Lies and felt his stomach turn to knots, "Do you need anything?"
"Yes, actually. My... umm... my car broke down, and my house is on your way, so, could you drive me there?"
"Sure, come in", Loki said alongside with a nod and smiled kindly, as Bucky opened the other door and sat on the passenger seat.
The drive soon began. An awkward silence spread in the atmosphere that none of them knew how to break –something that felt wrong, as Loki and Bucky were good friends. Loki glanced at the mirror and saw that Fred's car was right behind his own. He turned his gaze back to the road and bit his underlip. His fingers began spasming open and clenching closed on the steering wheel.
"Is anything going on?" asked Bucky at once.
"Why is everyone asking this? I'm fine!" Loki said a bit louder and more intensely than he should.
"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England", mocked Bucky, "Something is bothering you, it's crystal clear".
Loki let out a sigh.
"Alright, I'll tell you one thing", he mumbled then, tightening his grips on the wheel, "I did some shit some time ago –not illegal shit– and now I'm paying for it. I don't want to talk about it to anyone, and especially Y/N because I don't know how she will react but I guess she will freak out. All in all, right now, my life is a leaking trash bag. Any questions?"
"No, I think I learnt enough..."
"Good, because we reached your destination", Loki said as he stopped the car.
"Thank you, bud. And, if you ever need anything, I'm right here".
Loki smiled and nodded.
"Likewise, Buck".
Barnes waved as Loki put his foot down on the accelerator and continued driving. He looked at the mirror again; Fred was still behind him. He took a deep breath. Relax.
When he arrived at his house, he stopped the car and tilted his head back, simultaneously unfastening his belt. You can do this. You've got it.
"Just fuck it", he muttered to himself as he got out of the car.
He walked to the house as he brought out his keys, and Fred joined him. Loki unlocked the door without looking at the man while waiting for him to walk in.
"Bedroom's this way. I'm coming in a minute", he said and then heard steps heading to the direction he had indicated.
The God of Mischief went to the kitchen and put himself a glass of water. He took a small sip, holding the glass in one hand and taking hold of the counter with the other. He closed his eyes and hung his head low, his hair falling at his face.
"I'm sorry, Y/N", he whispered silently, as he placed the glass down, his hands trembling.
This time was exhausting. Fred didn't just want to screw him; no, he wanted Loki to 'participate to have more fun'. And Loki did what he asked the only way he could. He buried his nails deep in the flesh of Fred's back like he was trying to rip off his skin and screamed in despair as he felt pain taking over every cell of his body, letting tears run down his eyes.
And Fred... oh, he seemed to enjoy knowing the pain he provoked; otherwise, he wouldn't fuck Loki three whole times, would he?
Somewhere in the middle of the fourth time, Loki felt the last bit of strength he had, abandoning him, as he fell backwards, his hands sliding from Fred's back, closing his teary eyes.
"Freddie..." he stuttered, and it was the first time he ever talked during the... act, "P-please, stop... please... I-I can't..."
Fred didn't seem to listen; he just kept hurting Loki more and more, breaking his already broken heart, piece by piece.
"FREDDIE, STOP!" Loki yelled the loudest he could, all the emotions in his heart being so vivid in his voice.
Fred stopped moving abruptly, and Loki turned his head on the one side, his eyes still being shut and his chest rising and falling. He felt him crawling away, then heard sounds like someone was getting dressed, then footsteps receding, and finally, the front door cracking open and shutting closed.
He pulled the sheet over his body, and then he sat up, hissing in pain. He wrapped his arms around his legs as he brought his knees up to his chest, putting his head between them.
If he wasn't so lost and the physical and emotional pain wasn't so unbearable, he would have heard the front door opening a few minutes after; he would have done something. When he heard Y/N's footsteps, though, it was too late.
"Loki?"
The God of Mischief lifted his head slightly, and his fearful eyes met hers as she approached him.
Her look locked on the bite marks on Loki's shoulders, and her face stiffened. Her hands clenched into tight fists, and Loki's head began pounding. His lips parted –he wanted to say something– but before he could let out a single word, Y/N talked.
"After everything I've done for you... After all the love I've given you, this is my reward", she said bitterly.
"I didn't... Let me... Let me explain..."
He was ready to tell her everything –he really would, if only she listened. But the anger that was growing inside her, the sense of betrayal and rejection were too big to let him talk.
"I have nothing to listen from a cheater", she responded, turning on her heel.
Loki's hand shot out to grab her wrist, but his body was so weak that only his fingertips managed to touch her arm for a second. She walked out of the room and, a few moments then, Loki heard the front door slamming with a loud thud.
No, no, no, no, this can't be happening... He wrapped his arms around his legs, hiding his face on his knees, his whole body trembling. No, this is just a dream, just a terrible nightmare.
His heart was hammering in his chest, and his breathing became quicker. He felt so scared, like a lost child, but he couldn't cry or scream; he had no tears left, no voice inside him. He sat there, his heavy breath being the only sound heard. It was as if his mind schemed against him, for he began recalling all the awful things he had experienced and, damn, they were more than enough for a lifetime.
He could almost feel Thanos' whip on his back from the time he had captured him when a thought crossed his mind. He turned his torso towards the nightstand and reached out his hand to take his phone. With his whole body shaking, he dialled Y/N's number and pressed the phone against his ear. He began picking at the edges of the sheet with his free hand.
"What the fuck do you want, Loki? It's over, make up your bloody mind!" sounded Y/N's voice after the third ringing.
"Please, just listen to me-"
"I have nothing to listen, Loki", Y/N, "I loved you with all my heart and you-", Y/N made a pause, and a Loki heard a sound like a muffled sob, "It's over. You're out. Gather all your things and get out of my house. Tonight I will stay with a friend, but tomorrow you're leaving. Call Clint to give you some hours off –I don't care what you'll do, but you will have left when I finish work, or I'll kick your ass out. Enjoy the house for the last night".
Loki heard the phone beeping as the call ended before he could even say a word. He looked at the time.
11:42 PM.
The phone slipped from his palm and fell on the floor, yet he couldn't care less. He felt so vulnerable and defenceless. So scared. Now there was nothing to hold Fred back, no excuse for Loki. He would be unstoppable. He would do anything he liked to him.
And then Loki through that this was what Fred wanted; to have him all for himself. The God of Mischief realised that all this was a plan, and the realisation hit him like a bus.
He stood up slowly and got dressed, ignoring the pain that every movement provoked. Then he called Thor; his brother didn't pick up. After the third failed attempt, he gave up trying; Thor was always a deep sleeper. He sighed and then called Bucky.
"Hello?" sounded the Winter Soldier's voice.
"Hey", Loki rasped and began picking at the edge of his t-shirt.
"Loki?" Bucky said curiously, "What's going on? It's late".
"You said that if I ever need anything, you'll be right here, right?" he muttered and suddenly felt so stupid, "I mean... you really don't have to-"
"Stop the bullshit and tell me what you need", Barnes cut him off.
"J-just some company, I cannot stay here alone all night, and Thor doesn't respond to my calls. I can come there or-"
"Stay exactly where you are, I'm coming. Are you at home?"
"Y-yeah".
"Alright. Where's Y/N, what happened?"
"I-I'll tell you, just... don't be late, okay?"
"Yes, I'm on my way".
James Buchanan Barnes hung up, and his eyebrows lowered into a deep frown. What the heck is going on with him? But, no matter how much he tried to find an answer in his mind as he got dressed decently and left his house, he came to nothing.
He went to Loki's house on foot, as it was quite near –just a fifteen-minute walk. He knocked at the door, and some seconds then it slowly cracked open, and a torn-apart Loki showed up in the doorway.
The God of Mischief's hair was a mess, his hands were trembling, and his eyes held so much pain that almost scared Bucky. The Winter Soldier walked in and put his hands on his friend's shoulders. Loki flinched and pushed them away; he couldn't let anyone touch him, and especially men. Then, he realised what he had done and averted his blue-green eyes.
"I'm sorry, I..." he muttered without looking at Bucky, and his hands began fidgeting, "Come in", he said then and walked towards the living room.
Barnes shut the door and followed him. Loki pointed at the sofa and, when Bucky sat, he sank down into an armchair and brought his knees up to his chest, his bare feet pressed against the edge of his seat. He wrapped his hands loosely around his legs and looked at Bucky.
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" asked the latter, leaning frontwards.
"She left me", Loki said, his voice barely audible, but Bucky heard it anyway, "Y/N left me".
"What?" asked Bucky in surprise, "Why?"
He couldn't understand how this could ever happen; the love between Loki and Y/N was so strong –nowadays, finding two people with such a special bond between each other is rare. He knew damn well that they could sacrifice their personal well-being –or even their lives– to protect one another if they had to.
"She... thinks I cheated on her..." Loki muttered and began picking at the seam line of his pants.
"Did you?" Bucky enquired calmly.
Loki shook his head in denial, his sad eyes glancing at the man opposite to him.
"No", he said then to make sure Bucky understood.
The Winter Soldier raised his eyebrows.
"I didn't!" Loki said, taking his friend's facial expression as a sign of doubt, "I... I didn't... I could never do that to her, I-I love her... I love her so much... She doesn't listen... I tried... I tried to talk to her, but..."
This moment was when he completely broke down; tears began rolling down his cheeks and, even though he tried to hold them back, silent sobs left his lips. He hid his face on his knees as his sobs became louder.
"I... I love her... Why should she...? Why should she go...? I-I need her..." he said among his whimpers.
Bucky sat in bewilderment for some seconds, not knowing what to do; he felt all the compassion in the world, but he was never really good at giving relief to people. And then, as if someone had consulted him on what to do, he stood up and approached the armchair where Loki was sitting. He pulled a chair closer, sat on it and wrapped one arm around the god's shoulders in a friendly way. Loki flinched at the touch but didn't shove the hand away; on the contrary, he seemed to relax a little.
"That's it", Bucky said empathetically, "That's it, bud. I've got you".
Loki's breath slowly began becoming steady, his sobs lessened. Some minutes then, Bucky realised his friend had fallen asleep. He stood up and sighed.
"Goodnight, buddy", he whispered, patting on Loki's shoulder, and then walked out of the house.
In the morning, Loki woke up from a nightmare he didn't remember; all he knew was that the dream scared him so much that his heart was jumping out of his chest.
He lowered his head as memories flooded back, and he began wishing that Y/N abandoning him was the nightmare that had terrified him. When he realised he was on the armchair, though, his hopes collapsed. Why would he sleep there if it was just a dream?
He stood up and walked to the bedroom. As he expected, no one was there. He sighed and leaned his shoulder on the door's casing.
Then Y/N's words came back into his mind: 'It's over. You're out. Gather all your things and get out of my house'. Right. She wanted him to go. Go where? He used to live with Thor before moving in with Y/N, and he didn't exactly have enough money to rent an apartment on his own –he didn't earn the same money with the other Avengers as a 'punishment' for his old crimes. He didn't want to be a burden, so living with Thor (again) or any other Avenger was crossed off the list. You'll see. For now, do the basic stuff.
First of all, he called Clint.
"Hello?" sounded Hawkeye's voice a few seconds after Loki had pressed the phone call button.
"Hey, can you give me some hours off?" Loki asked, trying to sound calm, "Just two or three, I have some things to do".
"Yeah but... is everything alright? Y/N came here before five minutes, more or less, and she looks really pissed off".
"Look, Barton, just... don't bring it up. I'll be there as long as I finish, okay?"
"Okay, see you then", said Barton and hung up.
Getting all his stuff together was practically not as hard as Loki had imagined. He didn't really have many things to take; just his clothes and a few personal belongings.
He was now in front of the bookcase, taking all the books that were his own. They were proved to be less than he thought, and the fact that he usually borrowed books from the local library because he didn't have the money to buy a new book every week was the sanest explanation.
He was holding about five books in his hands, having tossed five more in his suitcase, when his look locked on another book; the gift Y/N had bought him on his last birthday.
It was an edition of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein". He opened it on the first page and read the note Y/N had written on it.
Happy birthday, my raven-haired angel. I hope this book will always remind you how much I love you.
Y/N.
A sad smile broke out on Loki's lips, and he felt the tears welling up. He blinked them away and tossed the pile of books he was holding in the suitcase.
Some minutes later, he finished. He took his suitcase and put it in the car's boot. He got in the driver's seat, thinking that he would probably spend the night in the car, and sighed. Alright, you've got this.
~-~-~
"Hey, Loki!"
The God of Mischief spun himself around at the sound of Wanda's voice as he walked in the hallway that led to his office.
"Hey", he muttered and forced himself to smile.
Scarlet Witch approached him with quick steps, her face being a mask of confusion.
"Is anything going on?" she asked, "Because Y/N looks really angry and doesn't talk to anyone about it except Bucky, and that only after he told her that he had talked with you. And she asked me to switch desks!"
Loki let out a sigh. Of course, he had to expect that Y/N wouldn't want to work in the same room with him after what she thought he had done. He restarted walking.
"The answer to your question is yes", he replied calmly, yet his voice was on the verge of breaking, "What did you do with that desk swap?"
"We just finished with it-... Hey, wait!" she said, trying to catch up with him, "What's going on?"
"Just ask Bucky –better when I'm absent. Tell him that I let him talk to you. But don't ask me".
"But-"
"Please, Wanda", Loki cut her short, "I'm really not in a good mood".
Wanda shook her head as they silently walked towards the office.
They got in, and Loki headed to his desk, ignoring Bucky's compassionate look and Fred's ironic "Good morning, Loki". He sat down in his chair and hid his face in his palms. Fuck everything and do what you must do, he thought to himself as he turned on the computer in front of him.
It was early, and a call for help on something wasn't something likely at that time. For the first time, Loki wished it wasn't like that; he just wanted to go out there and beat down some bad guys. Instead of that, he was busy typing the list of known universal threats that the Avengers had to keep an eye on.
At some point, Bucky and Wanda left the room, leaving the God of Mischief alone with Fred.
"You look so gloomy, is anything going on with you?" said Fred with that sarcastic expression that showed he didn't give a damn.
"Something will go on with you if you don't shut the fuck up", Loki responded angrily, shooting a death glare towards the man.
"I just care about you", mocked Fred, his tone making clear how unconcerned he was.
"Sure you are", Loki mocked back, his eyes sparkling with rage, "Shut your fucking mouth if you don't want me to fucking strangulate you right now. You know damn well what's going on, and it's your fucking doing, so leave me alone, you twisted motherfucker!"
The words left his mouth before he could even think, and only when Fred stood up did he realise what he had said. His fearful look followed the man as he approached.
"Not in here. Please", Loki cried silently, glancing at the door, fear vivid in his orbs when he saw the glimpse of lust in Fred's eyes.
He stood up and, as Fred came closer and reached out his hand –probably to grab his arm– he made himself invisible.
He ran to the door and opened it quickly. Fred turned around at the sound of it but before he could even walk to it, it closed, and Loki ran in the hallway, still invisible. Only when he was far enough and completely alone did he remove the spell.
He leaned his back against the wall, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Freddie just tried to rape you in the compound; it already got worse.
Loki restarted walking in the hallway until he arrived in front of a door; it was the office that Wanda used to share with Thor and Rhodey. Now Y/N had taken Wanda's place.
The God of Mischief took a deep breath and turned the doorknob. He got into the room and scanned it with his eyes. Y/N turned rigid when she saw Loki. Rhodey was absent, while Thor looked at him calmly. Loki walked in and looked at Thor, then glanced at the door. The God of Thunder understood, for he stood up and got out.
Y/N looked up at her ex-boyfriend as he walked closer tentatively, and her lips parted.
"Look, I'm not gonna-"
"I just came to bring you these", Loki cut her off, placing his keys of the house on the desk, "I put the bedsheets in the washing machine –I thought you'd want that. The missing books from the bookcase are mine –I took them. There are a few things in a box I couldn't put into the car, so I left them until I find a proper place to stay".
While talking, he avoided eye contact. When Y/N said nothing, he turned around and walked to the door.
"But I wish you listened", he said silently without turning his head to look at her and cracked the door open, only to shut it behind him in a second.
Thor was waiting outside. When he saw Loki, he ran towards him.
"Hey, what's going on? Y/N says you cheated on her-"
"I didn't!" Loki snapped, "She thinks I did, but I didn't... couldn't... I... She's... She's the love of my life. I'd never..."
His eyes were teary, his steps unsteady. He stumbled, and his shoulder bumped on the wall, making him hiss in pain. And then he remembered he hadn't washed last night, and could suddenly feel Fred's touch, as though the spots of his body that Fred's fingers had reached were burning. He felt so filthy and so, so scared. He fell on his knees and crawled back. Thor knelt next to his brother, his eyes full of concern. He put a hand on Loki's shoulder.
"Brother-"
"NO, DON'T TOUCH ME!" Loki screamed, pushing Thor's hand away.
He was shaking, and panic took over his body. He couldn't breathe and felt as though he was having a heart attack. Tears began streaming down his cheeks. He heard quick steps approaching, and then Thor said something to the other person, who knelt beside them.
"Loki... Loki, can you hear me?" sounded a female voice –Wanda's.
She put a hand on his chin and lifted his head slightly. Loki quickly tilted it to one side, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth to hold back his sobs.
"Thor, bring me an Ativan pill from the medication box. And a glass of water. Quickly".
Thor didn't talk, but he stood up, and Loki could hear his footsteps receding.
"Alright, Loki, open your eyes", Wanda said calmly.
He blinked and looked at her, then averted his gaze and shrank back, his breath sounding shaky.
"Well done, you did this, see?" she encouraged him, "Now look at me. Keep your eyes fixed on me. It's okay now".
Loki looked into Wanda's eyes, and she could suddenly see so many feelings, ones he used to hide; he was scared, desperate, angry, and so many others.
"N-no... no, no it's not okay, it can't be..." he cried silently and turned his head to one side, intensely staring at the door of Y/N's office.
Wanda took a deep breath and used her powers in an attempt to read Loki's mind to see what was bothering him, but she met resistance, and she could only read some random thoughts.
Damn, Y/N... I need you.
Why should all this happen?
Fuck, I need a damn shower!
Wanda, stop reading my fucking mind!
"How did you understand?" Scarlet Witch said bemusedly, as she stopped using her powers.
"I can read minds too, you know", he replied, "And I feel it when someone tries to read mine".
"Huh... it seems I am not the only telepathic, right?" she said, "How is it when you read thoughts or memories? For me, it is like... reading a book or watching a movie", she said, trying to begin a conversation to distract Loki from his probably self-destructive thoughts.
"I just... see people's memories as if they were mine and hear their thoughts as if they said them out loud".
Before Wanda could even reply, Thor came back, holding a pill and a glass of water and handed them to her; he knew his brother seemed to feel more comfortable around her but had no idea why. He didn't know it was because Thor was a man. And Loki had suffered more than enough in the hands of a man all those weeks so that he didn't feel safe with any males around his body.
"Alright, take this", Wanda spoke softly and offered him the pill and the glass, "It will help you calm down".
Loki took the pill, his hands still trembling, and shoved the pill into his mouth, then took the glass and drank a little water to make the medicine go down.
"Okay, you will feel better in thirty minutes", said the woman and stood up as Thor did the same.
She reached out her hand for Loki; he grabbed it and stood up too, his eyes looking downwards.
"Thanks", he mumbled, putting his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket (that he didn't know why he hadn't taken off), "Both of you".
Even if Thor or Wanda answered something, Loki did not hear them. He just heard Thor saying:
"I have to go back to my office now, keep an eye on him, okay?"
"Yeah, sure", was Wanda's reply.
Thor walked away, and Loki and Wanda began striding along the hallway towards their office.
"'Keep an eye on him'... I am not sick", Loki hissed under his breath, and Wanda could tell he was both angry and embarrassed.
"You've got the lovesick blues, Loki", she responded and shrugged, "And something else you don't let me acknowledge".
Loki sighed, and his head hung low, strands of hair falling in his face.
"Y/N was the little light in the dark room, and now that light is off", he whispered, "And I am left in the darkness".
He knit his eyebrows into a deep frown as he thought of what he had just said.
"Now this was way too dramatic", he spoke then, scoffing at himself, "Damn, I should not read Shakespeare that much!"
"With the shit that is going on with your life, you have the right to be dramatic".
Oh, you have no idea, Loki thought to himself when the thoughts of the shit he was going through came to his mind. But he did not talk –no one did, as they did not know what to say to break the ice. And Loki kept thinking and thinking. He had said the name Shakespeare a couple of minutes ago –nothing serious, really, but remembering that his favourite Shakespearean play, Othello, was one of the books he left at Y/N's house was enough to bring the previous night into his mind.
No, you WILL NOT panic like that again, he instructed himself as he and Wanda approached the door of the office. He took a deep breath and opened the door, then walked inside, avoiding looking towards Fred's direction.
Wanda was right, the tranquiliser worked, and the rest of the day Loki was much calmer. Time passed, and the moment he left arrived.
He was walking to his car. Just one meter away from it, he stopped and let out a sigh in the thought that he would have to stay in it for the night –and the following days, till he would find an apartment. Better than sleeping on a bench, right?
"I guess you're homeless now, huh?"
Loki flinched at the sound of Fred's voice. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the man walking towards him. The God of Mischief remained silent as Fred stood next to him.
"I know you don't have a house. When we used to live together, you just paid half of the rent, and the contract was on your name. You moved in with Thor two months after our breakup; you couldn't pay the rent alone. Then you moved in again, this time with Y/N, some months after having started dating her, and now you're homeless until you find an apartment near the compound that you can afford".
Loki frowned and looked at Fred in confusion and resentment.
"You stalked me?" he asked angrily.
"Of course I did".
Loki raised his eyebrows, and his face had expression as if he wanted to ask "Are you fucking serious?" The reply he got was sending shivers down his spine. How could Fred be so chill while saying he was stalking someone?
"You know", Fred said in a low voice, "you shouldn't run away from me in the morning. It wasn't nice of you at all".
All the colour drained from Loki's face, and his lips parted slightly, as he started fidgeting with his fingers.
"Look, I..." he began saying, "I can't do this in places with people –I feel super awkward as if everyone stares at me. Just let's keep this a secret, okay?"
"Only if you come tonight".
Someone would think, until that moment, that Loki's face couldn't turn paler than it already was, but it did; his eyes sparkled with dismay.
"A-alright, I will, just... please".
"Yeah, now walk! Get in your car and drive. We don't have all day!" Fred responded indignantly, turned on his heel and headed to his car.
Loki closed his eyes and sighed. I'm fucked. So, so fucked.
...
So, how was this one? I don't know about you, but this story affects me so damn much. Anyway, if you liked it, vote and let me know in the comments. I'll try to have Part III ready as soon as possible, I have already typed some of it.
Love y' all! 💚