My name is Quincy Vance. I was a Private Fist class for the Royal Canadian Air Force in France 1942-1944. It has been 75 years since the war ended. The world has changed a whole lot since then. We won the war, but we lost what was essential. Our sense of togetherness was gone. Gone were the friendly neighbors, gone were the children on their bicycles. It was not what I fought for.
That wasn't all that we had lost, some of us came back to empty homes. Dead relatives, grown children. In winning our future, we lost our present. And like all of us that lost things, I too am searching for what I lost. My wife was 21 years old when I left for war. I hadn't been much older, 22, with everything to prove.
But that is a story that has long since ended. Let us discuss the present. Like all the others that came back to something that was lost, I too had lost something. I was gone for four long years when I returned my wife was gone. When I came back there, a lot had changed. My parents home was gone. I wandered the streets with my pack, sleeping on curbs and the occasional motel when I had the money. I don't know how long I spent like that, the days turned to weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. There was no sign of my wife anywhere. I wandered into different cities and nothing ever turned up.
As the years passed, things changed around me. I saw the towers being built up. I didn't ever imagine they would be able to build that high. The world was growing at a terrifying pace.
Around the 1970s or 80s, I began to feel lonely. An ever-growing loneliness that was never quelled. I never did remarry, I felt as if I betrayed my beloved if I did. I don't remember much of the 1990s, I dove head first into drugs, I don't even know how I am currently alive. By all accounts, I should be dead. No one did care though. I laid there on the streets, abandoned by the country I had fought for, by the people I had fought for. Just another gutter rat. And all of that frustration that I had pent up for 50 years had begun to boil up into an insatiable rage. That is when my presence began to be noticed. The building, I was hiding out in had 17 floors and I hid in the 14th floor. The tenants began complaining of excessive noise coming from the higher floors. Management would come to investigate and I would hide. They couldn't find me. My rage led me to spiral and soon tenants began to leave. The building was empty and was set for demolition.
In 2017, 20 years after the building complex had been demolished, a young businessman bought the area and constructed a small home there. I watched from a distance as the home was built up into a 3 floor home. When the house finished construction, I snuck into the attic. I had nowhere else to go. My rage had since cooled down, leaving just an empty shell of an old man. I began to learn about the man in the house. His name is Jaison Gill. He had a small security company and employed a staff of 6 guards. He was doing well for himself.
One day, I had spent too long and he came home earlier than I expected. That's where my story begins.
"Who are you?" I heard a voice say apprehensively. I froze and turned to him slowly. "How did you get in here?" He asked, backing up slowly. "Son... listen," I said, raising my hands. "My name is Quincy Vance," I said to him. He turned and ran out the door practically screaming when I stepped towards him.
I felt hurt, he saw me and ran. He didn't even want to hear me out. I went into his attic and grabbed my old pack. I still carried it around to this day and walked out of his house. I saw him on the phone furiously pacing around outside. "I'm telling you, Sharon, It's a fucking ghost!"
"What do you mean a ghost?" I said from across the street. "I know I'm old but learn some manners!" He turned and saw me and turned sheet white. Almost as if he had seen a ghost. He began backing up into a street. "Hey watch out!" I said reaching for him, he backed up further. There was a terrible screeching sound and a car barely managed to stop before hitting him. "Get the fuck off the road," yelled the driver before peeling away.
"You should be more careful," I said, setting my pack on the ground. "Forgive, I don't have anywhere else to live, so I snuck into your attic," I said. He walked towards me with a look of profound shock on his face. "You don't know," he said.
"I don't know what?" I said. He reached out and touched me, except he didn't touch me. His hand went through me as if my body was incorporeal. I fell to the floor, in a daze. "What, that's impossible." Jaison warily approached me. "You really didn't know," he said.
It was several hours later that I finally was able to grasp, what Jaison told me. "I died," I said. I was in shock. But once I thought about it for a while, it explained quite a lot. I died, some time ago. It had been almost 85 years since the war ended. And I was still there somewhere.
I cried for what surely must have been hours. Jaison sat with me silently offering his shoulder. He was the first real connection I had had since I left France.
"So, you fought in World War 2, what was it like?" He asked me. I answered happily, telling him of my friends and my brothers I had fought with. I told him of the time I had gotten trapped with a German Soldier for over 100 days. How he ceased being a soldier and became a friend. Bastion was his name. I had no idea if he was still alive or not.
We spent the next several days listening to my stories from the war, and then my stories stopped. I had no memory of what happened after August 2nd, 1945.
"Quincy... You died 8 days before the war ended." He said. I smiled, "It's just like a Vance to call it quits before the job is done." He and I laughed together. "Jaison, why do you spend your time with me." I said suddenly. "And why are you not afraid of me?"
He was silent for a moment. "I, honestly have no idea. But, I do remember what my grandmother always used to tell me. You'll know when you're truly fear something. From you Quincy, I don't get that aura that tells me you're dangerous. If that makes sense." He said with a laugh.
"I'll help you. I have internet and maybe I will find something." He stood up and left for the day.
I was alone in the attic once again. Couple of days had now passed and yet, it felt surreal that I had died. But what am I now? Why am I hanging between life and a true death? I kept wondering.
One evening, Jaison dashed into the attic with urgency. "What happened?" I asked, surprised by his actions.
"I think I found something Quincy. Come quick." I followed his lead and into the living room. He had set up a computer there.
"Quincy. I found a book. I think it is something to do with you." He said with excitement.
"A book. I don't get it." I said confused and looking at the screen.
"It's not the full book, but an excerpt. Here, I'll read it for you. The book is called the lost letters." He said and started reciting.
Oh dear! I miss you so much. I always wonder why did you have to leave for this war. You volunteered to fight for your country. I was proud of you when you told me you wanted to fight. But, I was dreading you'll never come back. It's 18 September, 1942 and you have been gone for 4 months now. It's our anniversary today. Do you remember it? I haven't received any letter from you and I worry if you are alright, Love. The last letter you wrote was 3 months ago. You said you were going to be in the front lines for the battle. I had cried myself to sleep reading that because I knew you wouldn't come back. But, I had prayed everyday to our God for your safety. I have something to confess. I didn't say anything to you about it because I wasn't sure. Now, I am. God has graced us with a life. I hope you come back soon. The little one will need both of us. I pray for your return everyday.
With all my love,
Luciana
Jaison finished reading and looked at me. "Didn't you tell me your wife's name was Ana. I think I have it wrong. I thought this might be her. I'm sorry."
I had a tears in my eyes. "No. Jaison. It's alright. That is written by my wife. I used to call her Ana. Please... Can you get those letters?" I pleaded, my voice hoarse.
He nodded. "You'll have it by tomorrow evening, I promise."
I sat there awhile, reading that bit of a letter again and again. Time passed and I didn't move at all.
Suddenly, an echo of footsteps pulled me out of my thoughts. It was afternoon again. I didn't realize another day had passed. Jaison entered the room and placed a book in front of me.
"I brought it as soon as possible. It's yours. Take your time. I'll leave you alone." He said and left.
I sat there staring at the book for what seemed eternity. I finally found the courage to pick it up and traced the title. "The lost letters" it said.
I opened the first page and began reading.
15 November 1942
Dear Quincy,
I am well. I haven't received any letters from you but I continue to write them. I find solace in the fact that these might reach to you one day. I eagerly await your return to me. I still wait at our house on the Liverpool street, although you might not recognize it. Many people have abandoned the city but few of us remains. I was thinking about leaving too, but then I thought you would return soon and wouldn't know where we went. The little has started kicking. She keeps me up at night but I try to manage. She misses her father too. Yes, it's a girl. I just know it. I have a feeling. I tell her often about you. That you were the most handsome boy in our school but most brave too. I hope she grows up to be like you, my dear. I hope you write to us soon.
With all my love,
Luciana
12 March, 1943
Dear Quincy,
It's been an year since you have left. I regret to tell you this, but your father died from an heartattack. We rushed him to the hospital but it was out of our hands. Your mother was struck with grief but she helped me through my labor. We have a beautiful girl. I named her, Elaine. She is such a naughty thing. Your mother helps me take care of her. Elaine has your beautiful eyes. We still live in our house but we might have to move soon. Trade has stopped in the city and there is not much food left for us. I hope you return soon my love. I wait for you here everyday.
With all my love,
Luciana
29 July, 1943
Dear Quincy,
I love you and I miss you. I want you to know that Elaine took her first steps yesterday. She was crying one moment and the next she was walking towards me to sit in my lap. She is the loveliest child I could ask for! Also, we had to move away from our home. I am in London and I am living with my aunt. We had to leave. Your mother was getting sick by the bad air, I think and I finally decided that we will move. I didn't want to, but I had no choice, darling. I hope you are alright in the war and they aren't being too harsh with you. I left our address at the postbox and I wait for your letters. It's been over an year since I have received any news. I hope you return soon.
With all my love,
Luciana
25 December, 1943
Dear Quincy,
Merry Christmas! It's Elaine's first Christmas and she is happy and healthy. I am well but lately, I have been missing you more than usual. I always loved our Christmas holidays and how we decorated the tree and cooked together. I wish you were back here with us. I worry that you'll miss Elaine's childhood. I want you to see her grow up. Please return soon. I know it's very hard in this war. I pray for you, my dear. Also, your mother is getting sick. I fear she only has a couple of months left. She has started to loose her memory too. Comeback before she forgets you, darling. We need you. I'll always pray for you.
With all my love,
Luciana
11 May, 1944
Dear Quincy,
I regret to inform you, your mother too has passed away. She died in her sleep and has joined your father up in the heavens. The service was beautiful. Elaine wouldn't stop crying and wanted her grandmother. Somehow, I managed to get her to quiet down. I needed you here, besides me. I am suffering without you darling. I hope the war ends soon and you come back home. I love you with all my heart. Just come back to me, please.
With all my love,
Luciana
2 February, 1945
Dear Quincy,
I am sorry, I know haven't written to you in awhile. I was angry, if I'm honest. You haven't sent one word to me since your first letter. So, I decided I won't write to you till you send me a letter. But, I couldn't help it tonight. It's been years since I last saw you. Elaine has started school and does her homework always on time. She cried a lot on her first day but soon she was okay. Now, she loves her school and teachers. Her teacher Ms. Favin tells me she might be an artist some day. She sees her potential. That's probably your side she has got. Remember how you loved to sing. I remember you would sing on the streets and make quick cash all the time. I see so much of you in her. She babbles in her childish voice and makes me smile. Sometimes, I forget about you. Then, I feel sad. How can I forget about the love of my life? It scares me so much. I hope you come back soon and put these fears inside my heart down. You're a brave warrior, aren't you?
I pray for you.
With all my love,
Luciana
28 May, 1945
Dear Quincy,
Everyone is buzzing about how the war is ending. Germans have surrendered. Surely, it means you'll come home soon? I can't wait for you to return. At last, you'll meet Elaine! She is growing up so fast! It's unbelievable! I am happy that the war is ending. I am looking forward to seeing you again soon, darling!
I'll pray for your safe return.
With all my love,
Luciana
June 2nd, 1945
My dearest Quincy,
Our daughter broke my heart today. She came home and asked where you were. What do I tell her? Her class had a presentation on their parents. When asked about you, she said I don't know my daddy. My heart broke when I heard that. Come back to me my sweet.
With all my love
Luciana
10 August, 1945
Dear Quincy,
This will be my last letter to you. You have broken your promise. You promised me that you would return safely. Yet, you didn't. I am angry at you. Why did you have to be so reckless?
War has ended and what I receive instead of your word that you're coming home? Nothing. They said that you were Killed in Action. They can't find your body.
You left me. You left me alone in this world. What will I do now? I missed you. I loved you. I prayed everyday for you. So that at least one last time you'll come back safely to me. You'll meet Elaine. You'll see her beautiful golden eyes that reflects your own. That we'll build a house together. We will grow old together. I am furious at you. You promised me.
Now what will I do? I'm left alone in this world. Elaine will grow up soon too. She is all I have left.
I feared I would forget you when they told us to bury an empty casket. I wanted so much to believe you would still come back to me.
I can't live without you. Yet, I will have to.
The people you worked with were cruel. I wrote you so many letters, my love. But they didn't give you a single one.
I went to the postbox and looked for a letter from you. Instead, I got a bundle of my unopened letters along with a note that said, they didn't allow their warriors to contact their family.
No wonder you never got any of my letters.
I have that bundle in front of me now.
I cry because none of my words ever reached you. Words laced with love, loneliness and prayers for your well being.
I wanted you to be happy, darling. I wanted you know about our little Elaine who is full of laughter and life.
I wish you could get to know her. But, you never truly returned to us. To me. All we have is this empty coffin waiting to be put into the earth. Why couldn't you stay alive?
I begged you to come back. I did. But no one heard my cries. Maybe this really is war where only the rivers of blood tell the tale of sorrow to the people.
I love you, Quincy. I love you with all my heart and soul. And I hope that you watch over us till I join you in afterlife. I have waited so long for you. Please wait for me too.
This is goodbye.
With all my love to my dearest husband,
Luciana Vance
Tears streamed down my eyes. I cradled the book in my arms and cried for my wife. I had finally read her words. They had reached me. She loved me. She missed me. Oh God, I loved her too. "I'm sorry, Ana." I whispered outloud. My voice hoarse. Tears kept flowing as I closed my eyes and imagined her soft beautiful face. A calm suddenly fell over me. It was as if I was being transcended above.
"Your words are in my heart, my lovely Ana. I will be with you soon." I said as I felt my existence leaving this world. Finally, I can rest. Finally, I'll be with her.
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The next morning Jaison entered the attic again hoping to find Vance. But, he was met with silence. He saw the book lying on the table. He picked it up and flipped to the last page. It was a note from the Author.
"These letters were written by my mother to my father who had gone to war and never returned home. I found these after my mother had passed away in 2015 among her things. I had decided to publish these in hopes that those who had lost someone in war will resonate through her experience as well. Thank you for reading the letters that were lost on their way."
Jaison read the author's name and then stilled for a moment. Elaine Normad. He couldn't believe his eyes. His... Mother!?!
His mind instantly realized what happened.
He looked around frantically searching for Quincy, but he didn't find a trace.
Jaison finally sat down, and read over the letters himself. He finally closed the book and pushed it away. Jaison walked and looked outside the window. The dawn was here and the sun would rise soon. He kept looking at the sky. "Thank you, grandfather. For your kind words. I hope you make grandmother happy, Old man." He whispered, as the sun rose a bright orange in the sky.