Chapter 9
TREY
"Iiwan mo na din ako?" I asked, pain evident in my tone. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth.
Lisanna went to me then she made me face her. I was seated on the edge of my bed and she's standing in front of me. She gently caressed my face.
"We tried, Trey. We both know how hard we tried." She smiled, but tears brimmed her eyes. "I saw how you tried to love me, Trey. And I appreciate all your efforts. I appreciate every little things you did for me."
I wrapped my arms around her waist then buried my face on her stomach. "I love you, Anna." I murmured.
"You don't have to." She replied then she raked her fingers through my hair. My tears started pouring while I am desperately holding her. I don't want to let go. "You don't have to love me just because I love you. You don't have to love me just because you find it convenient. You don't have to force yourself to love me."
"I love you, Lisanna." I insisted. "Hindi mo ba nararamdaman?"
"If you love me, love me because you love me. Love me not because you found me as a replacement for her. Love me because it is me. Because that's what I deserve." She gently said but her voice shook. "Forget about her then love me. Don't love me just to forget about her."
I bit my lip. Damn.
"But you can't forget about her, right? It's still her. You love her. And deep within you, you know that you're still hoping for her. Because if not, you won't call her name in your sleep. You won't close your eyes whenever I am telling you that I love you."
"Lisanna, I am getting there. I love you. I know that I can do this. We can make things work." I pleaded.
Lisanna held my face with both her hands. "Trey, let's stop fooling ourselves." Tears rolled down her face. "I can never take her place. She's there." She pointed my heart. "And I'm just here." She now pointed my head. "Love is not something you could learn. It's a natural phenomenon. It's not something you could insist to yourself."
I shook my head. "I love you, Lisanna. Don't leave me. If you feel like I don't love you, then let me love you better. Stay and I'll make everything better. Just don't leave me." I begged.
Lisanna kissed me. "Trey, you're the one who always sacrifice. You're always burning yourself for others. This time, consider yourself please. It's you that you have to love better. Love yourself better please. Now you got time to do everything. Chase what your heart really need. Grab what can really make you happy. Live the life you want. You owe it to yourself."
"You just want to leave me."
She smiled then nodded. "I wanna leave so that you'll be free. I am not your responsibility, Trey."
I stared at Lisanna for some moment. I want to beg her not to leave me but she's right.
I love her. I love her like how I can love a friend. I've been trying my best. I want to love her the way she wants me to. I want to love her as a woman. But I ended up desiring her as a woman, and loving her just as a friend.
I did nothing but to do with her everything I want to do when I was with Marron. She's right, I treated her as a replacement for the only woman I ever loved. And I was an asshole for that.
I don't want to lose her because I don't want to be alone. I want her because she gives me comfort. I was so selfish to keep her because I don't want to feel that dread of being left out.
I tried to smile at her. "Are you going to pursue law school?"
She nodded. "I'll love myself this time. I hope you do the same."
I chuckled. "I am tired of loving."
Lisanna gave me a worried look. "I hope in time, all the odds be on your favor. And I hope you start fighting for the things you want. I hope you find it in you the courage to insist what you wanted. Why not start telling her how you still love her?"
"She's happy with someone else. That man did nothing but to make her happy."
"No one can love her more than you can."
I shook my head. "He loved her better."
"You were just burdened by the responsibilities on the companies. You're free now, Trey. You could make her feel how much you love her." Lisanna insisted.
I stared at her face. She's forcing me to do things that might make my life better, but I can see how much she's breaking inside. She's hurting herself for me.
Lisanna is a great woman. She loves me. She's willing to bleed for my sake. Why can't I just love her? Why do I have to hurt her this much?
Bakit ba hindi ko magawang h'wag nang mahalin si Marron? Ayoko nang mahaling si Marron. Nasasaktan ko lang si Lisanna. Nasasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko. At alam ko na kapag ipinilit ko, masasaktan ko lang din si Marron.
Kaya bakit ba hindi pa mawala ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya? Gusto kong mahalin si Lisanna. Ayoko nang si Marron, puwede ba na si Lisanna na lang ang mahalin ko?
But this fucking Trey still loves Marron!
Ang dami nang nasasaktan dito sa pagmamahal ko na 'to.
Maybe I should just stop. Stop trying to get over it. Tatanggapin ko na lang na mamamatay na akong malungkot dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa babae na hindi na ako nahintay at nagmahal na ng iba ngayon.
"You broke up with Lisanna?" Tricia asked as she stormed in my room.
I lifted my gaze on her. I was in my office, having a glass of whiskey.
"She'll be studying abroad." I tried to smile.
Tricia sighed. "You could follow her."
I shook my head. "She wanted to be free. She wanted to be free from the man who wants her but can't love her the way she wants to." I laughed without humor. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth.
This life has been emptier and emptier with each passing day. It's almost meaningless.
"Don't you love her?" Tricia asked.
I drank the liquor then poured myself another glass. I swirled the clear liquid on the glass before I lifted my gaze on my cousin. "I love her, Tricia. I love Lisanna." I replied in a serious tone.
"But not as much as your love for Marron?"
I chose not to answer. "Can you leave me alone?" I asked instead. "Sakal na sakal na ako sa inyong lahat. Sakal na sakal na ko sa pamilyang 'to. Sakal na sakal na ko sa lahat ng bagay sa buhay ko." Walang ganang sagot ko.
"Trey." Tricia worriedly called.
Galit na hinampas ko ang lamesa ko. "Leave me alone! Let me be by myself! Because at the end of the day, it's just myself that I got! It's just myself that I can rely!"
"Trey, you're not alone. We're here for you. We're family." Tricia gently said.
"Fuck that family!" I angrily shouted. I stood up then kicked my chair. I threw everything off my desk. "Being part of this family is my curse! Everything were nothing but burden! That family took away my happiness. All of you just took me for granted. Wala kayong ibang ginawa kundi abusuhin ako. Naiisip n'yo pa ba na may buhay din ako?! Naisip n'yo ba na pamilya n'yo ko n'ong wala kayong ginawa kundi ang iasa na lang sa akin ang lahat?! Tangina! Naisip n'yo ba na nasasakal ako sa inyo? Na bigat na bigat na ko sa lahat?"
Nanghihinang napaupo na lang ako sa sahig matapos ng pagsigaw ko. Sumandal ako sa lamesa ko at napayuko na lang.
"Sana hindi na lang ako ipinanganak sa pamilyang 'to. I'd rather be rat poor than this miserable. So don't tell me that I have a family to run to. Because all of you didn't consider me as a family but your fucking slave to run everything to make everything easy for you." Sumbat ko.
I was crying miserably on the floor when Tricia went to my side then hugged me.
"I'm so sorry, Kuya Trey." Tricia cried. "Sorry, selfish kaming lahat. I'm sorry for thinking that I know what's good for you. I'm sorry for not being of help when you need it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being the family you need."
I let Tricia hold me in her arms. I found myself crying on her shoulder. I never broke down like this. I am keeping everything in myself. I was trying.
"I'm sorry for being a burden. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to be of help. I'm sorry for being too focused on myself. I could do more to lessen your responsibility but I got contented on depending too much on you. I'm so...s-s-sorry." Tricia's crying hard at her last words.
I felt guilty for the words I shouted at Tricia. It's not her fault. And I panicked when she started catching her breath.
"Tricia!"
My cousin clutched her chest and she paled.
Fuck!
I shouldn't vent it all out on her. Tricia has a heart condition. And she's the one who take everything emotionally. And it's not her fault.
Stupid, Trey!
I carried her then I hurriedly went down the car park. I drove as fast as I could to the nearest hospital.
If anything happen to Tricia, I'm going to kill myself!
Tito Tee and Tita Mira came rushing to me.
"What happen, Trey?" Tito Tee asked, almost angry.
I don't know how to tell him about my stupidity. I was aware of Tricia's condition yet I poured everything on her. Sinisi ko sa kanya ang mga bagay na 'di naman dapat.
"I'm sorry, Tito." I sighed. "Can I take a break?"
Mukhang naguguluhan si Tito sa akin. "You caused her attack?" He asked in a serious tone.
I took a deep breath then nodded my head.
I saw how Tito Tee clenched his jaw. I thought he's going to punch me but he chose to nod his head.
"Cool your head." He sighed. "Take a vacation as long as you want, Trey. I am here anyway. Thank you for all your help in AGC. The company won't be what it is today without your help."
I nodded then I left.
Guilt is eating me. This world doesn't have a place for my whining. I do the complaining and something bad will happen. It was as if telling me that all I can do is to keep my pain to myself.
Fuck yourself, Trey. Your misery doesn't have place for anybody else.
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10 July 2019 - 19:58