I grabbed the first duffel bag off my desk and set it on my bed. I unzipped it and examined the contents, this one only had clothes. My sister must have packed for me, it actually contained the clothes I wear. I started with my shirts, folding the random ones and hanging up the nicer ones. Each shirt I pulled out reminded me of home. Sometimes I would stop and smell one, it smelled strongly of the detergent my mom had used for years. I had managed to get through all my clothes and had moved on to my next bad, which contained an array of hygiene products, when there was a knock on my open door. I turned at the noise and found myself looking at a girl. She had brown hair down to her shoulders and a fringe.
"Hey, I'm Sophia." Sophia wore a baggy sweater and leggings that stuck to her tiny legs. she looked like if you shook her hand too hard you'd break her. I set whatever was in my hands down and approached her. I immediately felt like I weighed 700 pounds standing in front of her.
"I'm Margo." I managed a small smile. Sophia leaned against my door frame.
"Oh I knew that," She pointed to something outside my door. I peered my head out the door and saw a small whiteboard with my name written neatly on it. "All the rooms have one. I sounded creepy at first. Sorry." She smiled at me. "Can I come in?"
"Uh, sure. Why not?" As soon as I spoke she walked past me and sat on the chair by my desk. I returned to my bed, which was covered in different hygiene products. "You really came prepared, huh? Were you a scheduled admit?"
"No, I, um came from the emergency room. My sister packed all this for me." I wasn't looking at her anymore. "This isn't my first time in a place like this."
"Oh, so you've been to residential before?" I swung my entire body around and locked eyes with her.
"Excuse me, what did you just say?"
"Did you not know? This is a residential unit. I've been here about a month. It seems they told your family. They packed quite a bit for you." She motioned to the two empty bags and the two unopened bags still sitting on my desk. "Sorry I had to be the one to tell you."
"Why are you here?" I was still staring at her. She leaned back in the chair.
"I have an eating disorder, anorexia. I came in at 90 pounds," she looked away from me, "I'm 105 pounds now. They say I'm still underweight, that I need to keep gaining but it's not as easy as it sounds you know?" She looks up at me, "I'm terrified of food." She stood and shook her head. "When I came in I was tubed, I had a really low BMI but BMI is bullshit anyway." When she stood by me she was noticeably taller than me, I would say 5 foot 6. I frantically tried doing the math in my head. "But enough about me," she walked to the other side of my bed and examined the different products I had laying out, "would you like some help settling in? Also, I should mention, I'm your next door neighbor."
"Uh, yeah that'd be nice." I grabbed another bag and began taking out it's contents. Sophia propped the bathroom door open and started putting away various things. I watched her movements, graceful and precise and looked down at my own hands fumbling with different objects. I was envious of her. We had to be friends.
...
About an hour into Sophia and I setting up my room everyone was called to group. I hesitated to leave my room but Sophia assured me group would be fine, so I went. She showed me to a large room filled with couches and comfortable chairs. She sat on one of the couches next to a boy, I sat in one of the chairs next to the couch. As everyone filed in I examined the room taking in every face I saw. Everyone seemed to be in about the same age range, which for some reason made me feel more and less anxious at the same time. Once everyone was in the room a lady, who didn't look much older than any of us, walked in and closed the doors. She sat in an empty chair and addressed the room. "Hello everyone. Most of you already know who I am, but if you don't my name is Mali, I'm one of the social workers here at Lake Oak but I specifically work on Willow Unit. How is everyone?" The room was filled with unintelligible answered and Mali frowned. She shrugged off her yellow cardigan and set her clipboard in her lap. "Why don't we go around the room one by one, sounds easier." She clicked her pen and looked up. "Alright, who's first?" The room was silent. "Or, I can just pick someone to go first?" She looked down at her clipboard.
"I'll go first." A boy across the circle from me raises his hand slightly.
"Thank you, Liam. How're you doing today?" Mali lifted her head and looked at him. He shifted in his seat for a moment. He shut his eyes tight then opened them again.
"I'm doing okay. My foster parents still won't cooperate with family therapy. They're considering maybe finding a new family when I get closer to discharge." He brushed his curly hair away and it fell to his shaved sides. "Honestly, that's good right? I hated my foster family." He shifted again in his seat and looked down at his hands.
"I'm glad you're able to look at some positives in the situation," She looked down and wrote something on her clipboard then lifted her head back up, "If you don't mind, Liam, sharing a little why you're here for anyone new." Liam shifted again and started rubbing his hands. He scanned the room and locked eyes with me, the only new person. It was like looking into an ocean. His eyes were sad and tired.
"Right before I got here I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder, bipolar type. I mean before that I'd been dealing with mental illness since I was young but I bounced around foster homes so I was really ignored most of the time. Whatever family I was with would just stick me in the hospital to get rid of my then the cycle continued. Finally, this last time, I was in the hospital and they decided to send me to residential." As he spoke he looked around the room losing his eye contact with me. When he was done he looked back down at his hands and a girl, with blue hair, sitting next to him patted him on the back.
"Thank you for sharing, Liam. I know it's hard to talk about sometimes. Does anyone else want to go voluntarily?" Mali scanned the room. I raised my hand high in the air. "Oh and you're-"
"Margo."
"Yes, Margo. How are you settling in?"
"Oh, yeah I'm doing just fine. I just have a few questions."
"We're going to meet one on one after group, you can ask as many questions then."
"No, I want to ask them now." All eyes fell on me. I could feel everyone's eyes studying every fiber of my being. "I want to know why I was brought here without the knowledge that this was a residential facility. I know I was a little out of it, but I still deserved to know."
"Margo, I understand you're frustrated but the system here is a little different. At Lake Oak we have our patients stay 7 days then we have a treatment team meeting deciding if you need residential or not."
"Then why is she on Willow? This is the residential unit. Shouldn't she be on Harmon or something," blue hair asked.
"Wait so this is specifically JUST a residential unit? You have short term units?" I looked back and forth between Mali and blue hair.
"Juniper, I am going to ask you to respect other patients. Not every case is the same." Mali said sternly.
"I still want an answer to my question." I was starting to become more anxious and quite annoyed. I began fidgeting with my fingers.
"Yeah, Mali, she deserves an answer. Don't you think?" Blue hair, I mean Juniper, was smiling now.
"Juniper, please step out for the rest of this group." Mali looked dead at her. Juniper pushed her chair back with her body then stood up.
"This is such bullshit." Juniper opened the door and walked out, not bothering to close it. Mali stood and closed the door. As she was walking back to her seat she spoke again.
"Now, Margo, these questions will all be answered when we meet one on one after group." I nodded and slumped back in my chair. For the rest of the group I was in and out of daydreams, only listening when Sophia would whisper a factoid about another patient in my ear. When group was finally over I stretched my limbs out and yawned. "Tired?" I jumped, startled, and met eyes with Mali. "Would you like to have a chat?"
"Well, I have plenty of free time so why not?" I stood up and followed Mali to a room that looked the same as the room I was admitted in. We sat down and Mali turned on the computer and logged on. "So, now is my time to ask questions?"
"Ask anything you'd like. I do have to do my social work assessment but us talking might help me answer a few things." Mali turned to me and smiles. She was young, late 20s at the most. She wore a blue and white stripped dress and a mustard color cardigan. I continued to study her and came to the conclusion that I envied her, just as I envied Sophia.
"I want to know more about what you said in group. How come I came straight to the residential unit if there's an observation period?" I lean forward in my chair.
"Due to your psychiatric history our treatment team thought it would make more sense to do your observation period on Willow, we actually almost had you surpass the observation period and admit you as a residential patient. Now here on Willow you do get more freedom than other units, unfortunately right now you're on both suicide and run watch. Meaning, you cannot go on off campus outings for the time being and in the garden and courtyard area you'll have a staff member in arms reach of you at all times. This is only for your safety, most of our patients start out on this level. If you show that you cannot handle the freedom of the residential unit you'll be transferred to one of our more high security units, Harmon or Rosewood. If you have to be transferred all privileges are taken and you will be put on either 2 to 1 or 1 to 1 depending on your acuity level. That rule goes for any of our patients. We have residential patients be transferred to a high security unit until they are safe enough to return back here."
"So if after this week, you decide I don't need residential, then what happens?"
"I'm going to be honest with you, Margo, in you case that's not going to happen. The treatment team has already decided that you need residential."
"How is that even fair? They haven't even met me yet?"
"Well with your history-"
"That's bullshit! I still want to know what happens." I took a deep breath and leaned back.
"You would have been transferred to one of our low security units to finish your stay, then discharge."
"Do I have any chance of that happening to me?" Mali's expression softened.
"I'm sorry, Margo, but no." After that I didn't ask anymore questions, because I understood. My mental illness has completely made this choice for me, Margo had no play in it. We did her assessment and she told me I would see her in another group later. I retreated back to my room to finish unpacking and to be away from everyone. I managed to unpack all four bags, make my bed, and organize my room fully without interruption. After all was done I sat on my bed and took a deep breath, then came a knock on my open door. I looked up at my doorway to see a pale boy with blonde hair standing there awkwardly.
"Hello?" I said to him. He walked into my room.
"I'm Harper. Just thought I'd introduce myself. I liked the way you stood your ground in group. Most don't do that."
"Well I just had questions."
"Sometimes the people around you can help a lot more than you think. I'm talking about the patients, not the staff. Don't get me wrong they're pretty amazing given where we are but sometimes there's a little on the inside."
"I've been to a psych hospital before, I know all that stuff." Harper laughed and gave me a half smile.
"Margo, we've all been in psych hospitals before. We didn't just end up in here by chance." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and took two of them out. "We're all going outside to smoke, would you like to join and chat about the wonder that is Lake Oak, Willow unit?" He reached out his hand, holding a cigarette. I hesitated for a minute.
"Actually, I would love to." I grabbed the cigarette from his hand and followed him outside, closing my bedroom door behind me.