Nakatunganga akong nakatitig sa ceiling habang nakahiga sa kama. Rinig na rinig ang pag-awit ng mga ibon na nagmumula sa labas—tanda na umaga na. Nagsisimula na ring umangat ang haring araw ngunit hindi pa naman nito nasisinagan ang nakabukas bintana ng kuwarto.
Ikalawang linggo na ng pamamalagi ko rito sa Agartha at ibig sabihin niyon, mamayang pagpatak ng alas dose ng madaling araw, makababalik na ako sa mundo ko—iyon ang sabi ni Luke. It’s my choice if I would want to stay here or not. He could not force me.
I was sure I wanted to go back. Now, there’s that feeling that has been telling me when I woke this morning that I should stay here. Maybe because I was happy during my stay here. Not that I was never happy in my world, but ever since my parents died, I often felt alone though I had Yna around me. I was happy in my world, but not that happy,I guess. But my rational mind took over and my decision was fixed.
I would go back to where I should be, and that is above this world—my world.
Ilang oras na lang, mabubura na sa akin ang mga alaaalang minsan akong napadpad dito. Mabubura na ang alaaala ng napakagandang mundong ’to... and it includes Luke. I’ll soon forget everything in Agartha and go back to my world like it did not exist, like he never existed, and I never met him.
Pero iniisip ko pa lang na makalilimutan ko ang mundong ’to, ang mga alaala ko rito, tila ginagansilyo na ang puso ko. I didn’t want to forget. I want these memories to stay with me. I want to remember this world... and Luke.
Napapikit ako nang maalala ang maamong mukha ni Luke, ang misteryosong mga mata nito, ang napakagandang ngiti, at ang pagiging pilyo nito at pagiging seryoso. Everything about him was bewitching. And right now, as I thought of those, as I thought of him, my heartbeat was starting to accelerate again.
Naidiin ko ang pagpikit ng mga mata at napabuntong-hininga.
Why am I feeling that way? Why did Luke seem to be the reason why I am hesitating now? Do I like him?
That’s impossible. You could not like a guy when you just met him in two weeks! A crush, well... maybe, that’s just it. Or I am just attached to him because of the things he had done to me.
He had been protecting me, taking care of me, taking me out so I wouldn’t get bored in his house, cooking for me, and even sang for me. I had never experienced those things since my parents were gone. Maybe, those were the reasons why I was attached to him.
But that’s just it. I was just attached to him. I must not mistaken this as love.
Dumilat ako nang marinig ang mahinang katok sa pintuan. Laging nauunang magising sa akin si Luke at kami lang din naman ang nilalang sa loob ng bahay na ’to kaya alam kong siya ang kumatok. Hindi naman naka-lock ang pinto at kung tutuusin, puwede lang siyang pumasok nang walang paalam. Kuwarto niya naman ’to. Nais lang siguro niya akong gisingin sa pamamagitan ng pagkatok.
Tamad akong bumangon at binuksan ang pinto. Bumungad sa akin ang malawak niyang ngiti. Tila ba ang saya-saya niya ngayon. Ngunit nang tingnan ko ang kaniyang mga mata, hindi iyon ang emosyong nakita ko.
His eyes were melancholic. He was downhearted. That was the emotion he was hiding behind his smile but it could be seen in his eyes.
“Yanna...” namamaos niyang sambit sa pangalan ko.
His morning voice was really beautiful.
“Hmmm?” Ngumiti ako nang tipid.
“Let’s eat.”
Masaya ang tono ng kaniyang boses. Nang lumapit siya sa akin ay agad niyang linahad ang kamay at inabot ko ito. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya ng kamay ko at hindi niya na ito binitiwan pa hanggang sa maupo kami sa harap ng mesa.
“Bitiw, Luke,” mahinahon kong sita ngunit hinigpitan niya pa ang pagkakahawak dito.
“I don’t want to,” seryosong saad niya, sa mga mata ko nakatingin.
Napabuntong-hininga ako at pinabayaan na lang siyang hawakan ito. Nakakakain naman akong isang kamay lang ang gamit at ganoon din siya. This will be my last day here, so I’ll just let him. Siguro’y sinusulit niya ang araw na ’to dahil alam niya na ang desisyon ko.
I am left handed that’s why it was easy to hold the spoon on my left. As I was about to eat, Luke suddenly spoke.
“I knew from the start, I wouldn’t be able to convince you to stay here, Yannarayyih.” I looked at him and stayed silent. His voice was melancholic. He couldn’t hide it anymore. “Just... just today, let me hold you and don’t ask me to let go of your hand. Bibitiwan din naman kita nang kusa kapag handa na ako... kapag oras na.”
Hurt. It was also visible in his eyes. Now, his beam had disappeared.
Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi nang sumikip ang dibdib at saka dahan-dahang tumango. I then diverted my gaze on the food and started to eat.
I could not bare looking at him in that state.
Alam ko sa sarili kong buo na ang desisyon ko. Hindi na magbabago ’yon kahit nakararamdam ako ng lungkot nang masalubong ang mga mata niya kanina.
This feeling will not last. I am sure of it. This was just an attachment and this will be gone once I got back in my world.
I knew it would be unfair for Luke ’cause he would remember this, but he chose this. He chose to love me and summoned me here in his world when I never wanted it.
Well... I partly wanted it because I got curious of this world and performed that spell. But I never wanted to stay. And he knew that.
I knew he loves me and he never failed to tell and show it to me. Pero hindi ko masusuklian ang pagmamahal na ’yon. Kaya niyang gawin lahat para sa akin, samantalang ako... wala akong kayang gawin para sa kaniya. Hindi ko rin siya mahal. I did not deserve his love. I did not deserve him. He deserved someone who was willing to stay by his side, someone who will never leave him, someone who will love him unconditionally, someone who will never hurt him... and that someone is not me.
I just hoped that he would find that someone.
All I could do right now was spend my remaining time with him so I wouldn’t feel that guilty once I leave.
I gazed at him and found he’s staring at me. He hadn’t started eating. I sighed and forced a beam. “Ipasyal mo ako mamaya pagkatapos natin kumain.”
His face somehow lit up and he beamed back. “Where do you wanna go?”
“Sa hindi pa natin napupuntahan?”
“A’right.” Tumango siya saka ganado nang kumain.
Mahigpit pa rin ang hawak niya sa kanang kamay ko at wala yata talaga siyang balak bitiwan ito hanggang sa maubos ang oras ko rito. Hindi ko na siya sinita pa sapagkat wala rin naman akong magagawa. Huling hiling niya na ’yon sa akin, kaya hahayaan ko na.
Namamanghang linibot ko ang tingin sa flower field kung nasaan kami ngayon. Sobrang lawak nito at organisadong-organisado ang mga bulaklak base sa uri nito at kulay. Ang ganda nitong tingnan, para bang naglalakad kami sa bahaghari sa lupa. Ang ganda rin ng amoy ng paligid dahil dito at hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti kapag nanunoot iyon sa aking ilong.
Binaling ko ang tingin kay Luke na nasa aking kaliwa. Nakangiti lang siyang nakatitig sa akin. Linilipad ng hangin ang aking buhok ngunit nakatali naman iyon kaya hindi masyadong sagabal. Sa kaniya naman ay nagugulo na, pero kahit gano’n, mas gumagwapo pa yata siya. He looked so hot with that messy hair.
He’s wearing a black suit with a gray necktie at mas nakadagdag iyon sa kagwapohan niya. Other girl creatures were even looking at him and it was obvious in their eyes that they like him. I could not blame them though. I am like that too right now.
Inabot ko ang mukha ni Luke, ngunit dahil matangkad siya, hindi ko siya masyadong maabot kaya napanguso ako. Tila hindi niya napansin iyon dahil sa mga bulaklak siya nakatingin.
Nabaling ang tingin ko sa necktie niya. Hinawakan ko iyon saka hinila kaya napaharap siya sa akin at napayuko. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niya dahil sa gulat ngunit hindi siya nagsalita.. Linapit ko ang mukha sa kaniya at ramdam ko ang pagkastatuwa niya ngunit hindi ko na pinansin iyon. Sa nagulo niyang buhok ang pukos ko. Dahil hawak niya pa rin ang kanang kamay ko, binitiwan ko ang necktie niya saka seryosong inayos ang kaniyang buhok at sinuklay gamit ang mga daliri. Ngumiti ako nang malapad nang matapos iyon saka linayo ang mukha sa kaniya.
“There,” saad ko pa.
Ibababa ko na sana ang kamay ko nang hawakan niya ito saka dinala sa kaniyang pisngi. His other hand was still holding mine. Nangungusap ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin saka ito dumako sa aking labi. I knew right then that he wanted to kiss me. Yet slowly, he let go of my hand, then moved his face away from mine as he closed his eyes—calming himself.
“I should’ve not hold your hand without consent. Sorry.” He sounded frustrated, but it was replaced with worry as he looked at me once again.
“You can hold both of hands without asking me.” I assured him.
I would let him do it because this would be the last.
He beamed as he held both of my hands and placed those on his face again. “Can I... kiss you too then?”
I rolled my eyes and slightly pushed him. “Nakailan ka na sa akin. Abuso na ’yon.”
We didn’t even have a label!
He chuckled then patted my head. “No kiss for today then.”
“You can’t just kiss me in public places like this, you know? There are a lot of creatures here. You know that right?”
“So—” pilyo ang kaniyang pagngiti at napaiwas ako ng tingin nang matanto ang lumabas sa aking bibig—“you aren’t really rejecting my request. You want us to kiss in a private place.”
I knew it. He would think like this. Why did I utter those words‽
Namula ako sa inis at hinampas siya. “That—that’s not what I meant! Kainis ka na, ah!”
He was holding his laugh as he held my hand then made me turn around to face the parade of flowers. “My bad for giving a different meaning to it. Do you like it here though?”
Nakanguso akong tumango, tila naiinis pa rin. A different flower from the group of dandelions caught my attention. It was a petunia galaxy if I wasn’t mistaken. Nasa kabilang dako pa ang mga bulaklak na iyon sa field, ngunit naligaw yata ang isa rito.
I carefully picked it then I turned to Luke. He was looking at me in curiousity then his gaze went to the flower on my hand. Linahad ko iyon sa harapan niya at nangunot ang kaniyang noo. Ngumiti ako at iminuwestrang tanggapin niya iyon. “Ladies can also give flowers to guys, right?”
His confused face was replaced with a beam as he took the flower. “Yes, they can. Gender does not matter really. Anyone can give flowers to anyone. Thanks for this.”
“Baka ipa-laminate mo ’yan, ah,” biro ko na ikinalawak ng ngiti niya.
“Thanks for the idea. I will do that.”
“You’re crazy,” naiiling kong saad na ikinatawa lang niya.
“Your hand fits perfectly on mine.” Napatingin ako sa kamay naming magkahawak. His was bigger than mine, but they really fit perfectly as they were intertwined. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin saka tiningnan ako mata sa mata. “I don’t think I will be able to find someone you wished for me to have after this, Yannarayyih.”
“Luke...” I muttered and looked away.
“I just...” He beamed, yet it didn’t reached his eyes. “love you so much—I don’t think it would change. You got me so whipped, so drown with you without even doing anything. You just existed and then I saw you. Everything was just bewitching and unpredictable after that.”
He had been vocal about his feelings to me. He had been saying I love you, and hearing it now, just felt so painful. My heart was throbbing with pain and I was holding my chest, trying to relive it.
I could not bare looking at his melancholic eyes. I looked away then diverted my gaze into the parade of flowers and into the other creatures near us. Ang ilan sa kanila’y may hawak na gadget at nagpi-picture. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, cellphone ang hawak nila. Napaka-high tech ng cellphone na ’yon dahil may hologram. Kapag nagpi-picture sila ay lumalabas mula sa cellphone ang malaking hologram at naip-project do’n ang kuha ng camera.
Binaling ko ang tingin kay Luke. Nakangiti siya sa akin saka may kinuha sa bulsa niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang ipakita niya ito sa akin. Katulad ’yon ng hawak na gadget ng mga nilalang dito. “You want us to take a picture?” Tumango siya na ikinalawak ng ngiti ko. “Picture tayo then!”
Nakailang picture din kami bago namin lisanin ang Shangri La garden.
It was eleven in the evening—1 hour before I would finally go back to my world. We were exactly at the place where I first met Luke when I got here in Agartha. Makikita mula rito ang bahay niya na hindi ko napansin no’ng unang pagtapak ko rito sa Agartha.
Nakasandal at nakaupo kaming dalawa sa ilalim ng puno—hinihintay ang oras habang nakatanaw sa dalawang buwan sa kalangitan. Hindi ito gaanong magkalapit ngayon ngunit kay ganda pa rin pagmasdan sa kalangitan. Dilaw ang linalabas nitong liwanag at parehas na buo ngayon. Full moon yata.
Mula nang makauwi kami kanina galing sa pamamasyal at nang matapos kumain ng hapunan ay dinala na ako rito ni Luke. Ilang oras na kaming narito at kanina lang ay nag-aasaran pa kami, pero ngayon ay tahimik lang kami habang nakatingala sa langit.
Sinandal niya ang kaniyang ulo sa balikat ko. Ang sabi niya kani-kanina lang ay hayaan ko raw siyang gawin ang nais niyang gawin kasama ako. Total ay iiwan ko rin naman daw siya, kaya dapat pagbigyan ko siya. Kaya heto, hindi ako nagreklamo kahit sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
“Rayyih...” bulong nito malapit sa tainga ko.
“Hmmm?”
Tumayo siya upang lumipat sa aking harapan. Marahan niyang hinawakan ang aking mukha at hinaplos ito saka sinalubong ang aking mga mata. Bakas ang lungkot sa kaniyang mata dahilan para dumungo ako upang iwasan ito.
I don’t think I could look at his eyes right now. Guilt was residing in my heart—guilt of leaving him soon. I might change my mind if I would look at those longer.
My mind had been beclouded since this morning. I didn’t know why I am feeling guilty and why I am having second thoughts. I kept convincing myself that what I had been feeling was attachment yet something in me was telling me that it was not, that it was more than that.
Pinagdikit niya ang aming noo at narinig ko ang kaniyang pagbuntong-hininga bago magsalita sa namamaos na boses. “I guess, I could not do anything to change your mind now.”
Tumango ako at hindi ko na napigilan ang luhang kanina pa nagbabadya. “You were happy to be with, Luke. You made me happy in my weeks of staying here.”
“But why can’t I make you stay?” Nagsusumamo ang boses niya at rinig ko na rin ang pagbasag niyon.
“Because that’s just it. It isn’t an enough reason for me to stay.”
Binitiwan niya ang mukha saka napatingala. He was supressing his tears yet his left eye could not hold it and it streamed down his face.
It hurt seeing him tearing up, but I needed to go back. I should.
“I get it.” He laughed but there was no humor in it. “I just made you happy but that does not mean I have made you fall in love with me. Being happy with someone does not mean you’re in love with them.” He looked at me again and wiped the tears streaming down my face. He beamed yet it did not reach his eyes. “At least I made you happy in your stay here. I will have those memories of you and me to cherish forever.”
It hurt seeing him hurting and saying those words. My heart had been racing yet it was tingling. And there’s nothing I could do but just apologize to him. “Sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry if you can’t love me back, Yannarayyih. Your heart has a freewill to choose whom it should love. Sadly, it wasn’t me and I understand it.” Muli niyang hinaplos ang pisngi ko saka ginulo ang aking buhok. “At least, I’ve experienced being with you in two weeks. That should be enough and I should’ve not ask for more.”
Why he had to be understanding? He should be mad at me or force me to stay with him, but he didn’t. He accepted and respected my decision though it would hurt him and that made me guilty even more. He loved unconditionally, yet I am breaking his heart.
“Don’t be guilty, my little human. It’s all on me. I was the one who summoned you here and hoped I could make you stay if I made you fall in love with me—though I knew it really was impossible. What I did is even wrong. I abducted you from your world, you know? I did not think that you had a life there and I just thought of my happiness.” He put his hands above my shoulder as his eyes were staring intently at me, assuring me, and convincing me. “So, don’t be guilty. It was all my fault. Okay?”
I nodded at him and he beamed. I wouldn’t remember this painful night once I finally go back to my world, but Luke, he would remember this. He would remember everything we shared. He would be wrecked while I would go on with my life like nothing happen—clueless that he existed. It was unfair.
“You deserve someone better than me, Luke.” Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata para matigil na ang luha sa pagpatak pero nang dumilat ulit ako, pumatak na naman ito.
Umiling siya, pinagdikit muli ang mga noo namin at mahinang nagsalita. “I don’t want someone better. I only want you. You own my heart, my mind, and my soul. I don’t think my heart has the capability to love again after you. Even in my mind, you’ve been residing in it. But I understand. I understand that you want to go back and you can’t stay with me. I understand that can’t reciprocate my feelings. I understand all of it, Yannarayyih. But I only want you in this lifetime. I will just love you from here and you go on with your life. As long as you will be happy there, I will be okay.”
“L-Luke...”
How could you be so selfless?
“Be happy, okay?” Linayo niya ang mukha sa akin at sa huling sandali, ngumiti siya. It was a genuine one and I forced myself to beam back. “That’s all I want for you... my little human.”
“I will,” bulong ko saka yinakap siya nang mahigpit.
Matapos sabihin iyon ay may napansin akong kakaiba sa katawan ko. Napansin din iyon ni Luke kaya sabay kaming bumitiw sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Umawang ang aking labi at nanlalaki ang mga mata nang tingnan ko ang sarili.
I am slowly vanishing!
Binaling ko ang tingin kay Luke. Seryoso lang itong nakatitig sa akin. “L-Luke...”
“It’s already 12AM, my little human. I guess, this is a goodbye, huh?” Mapait siyang ngumiti saka hinawakan ang aking kamay. “I love you.”
He was about to hug me tightly yet my body had dissolved before he could even close our distance. Pain once again registered in his eyes as he slowly put down his hands.
“Goodbye, my nephilim,” were the last words I uttered.
Then I vanished.