I had absolutely no idea who the opener was, but apparently they were some Canadian band called Selfish Things. I was a bit bummed out that Lizzy Farrall had to drop off this run, yet shit happens and I could not be any more excited to find out what the opener's had in store. After soundchecking their keyboard with Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" I had high hopes this would be a good set. As far as soundcheck covers go, Vanessa Carlton was always a solid choice. My theory was proven right, as the frontman thoroughly engaged with the crowd, even going as far as jumping off stage and joining the crowd. I always loved bands who engaged with fans while playing and quickly made a mental note to check these guys out later.
Broadside played second and they did not disappoint. This was actually my second time catching the band, the first time being at the final cross country run of Vans Warped Tour in 2018. After accidentally catching their set I made it a goal to intentionally catch one. As Jurassic Park taught me, life finds a way, and not only was Cameron able to catch Set It Off for the first time but I could scream to Broadside as well. From Dangerous Kids to Coffee Talk, I screamed lyrics word for word to my lung's full capacity. By the last song I was left absolutely exhausted and in desperate need of a drink, so I weaved my way out from the front to grab a Red Bull. I technically was not supposed to be drinking energy drinks, but I was tired and quite frankly didn't give a damn. Cameron liked her coke and grenadine so I ordered one of those, carefully making my way back to her. Some people seemed annoyed but I paid no attention to them. They could get over it.
"One coke and grenadine for you, and a Red Bull for me. Having fun so far?"
"Absolutely! You know how they say no one loves the opening band? Well I absolutely love both of these bands!"
"Yeah, Set It Off chose some wicked cool openers. Got some fantastic footage and some cool photos too. Emarosa is up next and they'll probably have a fun set. I mean, I haven't listened to them since high school, but based on how this show is going I can imagine it will be a blast. Set It Off shows are some of my favorites. You picked a good first show."
"I already want to go to another show and this one isn't even over yet."
"It's an addiction, for sure. Well look at it this way, we still have half a show left and then I'll talk to your parents about letting me take you along to a few more shows this Summer. It's an addiction, that's for sure."
"You're so lucky that you get to work in this industry."
"I mean, if it's something you are interested in, we can talk about that later, but Emarosa is about to start."
Emarosa took the stage by storm, being one of the highest energy performances I have ever shot. Their sound may have gone pop, but their presence still rocked. Nobody except the drummer was staying in one place, making it an absolutely chaotic and amazing experience. At one point the vocalist gave their guitarist a piggy back ride throughout the crowd, and I got it all on camera. While the set itself was incredible to watch, the new vocalist for some reason just rubbed me the wrong way. I had no idea why, but my gut told me to be weary. I shrugged it off thinking it was just my mind playing games on me. Anxiety going on overdrive and the red bull was most likely not helping. Thankfully, getting lost in the music was easy and helped distract my mind away from any negative vibes. The headliners had yet to play and I already knew this was going to be one of my favorite and most active concert vlogs. Editing was going to be so much fun.
"Holy fuck," Cameron exclaimed. "He actually gave the guitarist a piggyback ride. That's so cool! Did you get it on camera?"
Emarosa was breaking down, meaning Set It Off was coming up next. I quickly texted my dad and my uncle to let them know that there was only one more band left while continuing to chat with Cameron. Multitasking in between sets was a skill I have learned to master.
"Yep. I'll show you some of the cool photos I got in a second. I also got a bunch of footage of you just rocking out and banging your head. That reminds me, it might take some time before Set It Off. Want to update the people?"
"Isn't it a little loud?"
"Yes, but it'll be brief. We can discuss more in detail in the car after the show."
"Oh, okay sure. You're the expert."
I held out my camera so that the both of us were in frame with the stage behind us.
"Heyo, what's up? We just saw three out of four bands play, and we're waiting on Set It Off, but holy hell is this amazing. The Midnight Tour is definitely not a tour to miss out on. We'll talk more about it later on, but holy hell yes. So how are you enjoying everything so far, Cam?"
"This is absolutely incredible! Like my wildest dreams come true. I see why you're always at shows now, and I want to join in."
"Haha, looks like someone caught the concert bug. Welcome to the live music scene, Cameron. Well alright, we'll be back later, but I think Set It Off is about to hit the stage so we gotta go!"
I let my camera dangle by my hip, my neck strap cast around my shoulder as if it were a purse. While we waited I went on Twitter, deciding a call out post would be funny. An impulsive decision, yet waiting bored me and I craved some entertainment in the form of social media tea.
@BeckerBackstage: @SetItOff should change their name to Slow To Stage. That's what happens when @CodySIO is such a diva I guess 🤷♀️
The house lights dimmed and I grabbed my camera once again, preparing to film the band walking out. A countdown was projected on the screen as a computerized voice said "Two minutes until Midnight." Of course they would be so dramatic, even before walking out. Such was Set It Off's brand. Time was ticking and slowly but surely the clock on the backdrop was counting down. This gave me an idea on what to tweet next, yet when I opened the app I realized someone had already replied.
@CodySIO: So impatient. You had me wait 3 years for a hug and I'm the diva? You can wait 2 minutes until Midnight.
So that was how he wanted to play. Two could play at this game.
@BeckerBackstage: Technically it's counting down to 9:00. Midnight would be another three hours, so this tour is false advertisement.
@MaxxSIO: Oh shiiiiit. She's onto us.
I looked up from my phone to see the countdown nearing 20 seconds. I quickly started recording as the crowd started counting down out loud. The energy of the room was as if we were in Time Square on New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop, the ball being Set It Off. Once the countdown went to zero the computerized voice returned.
"Welcome to Midnight."
Maxx and Zach walked out on the stage, the fans screaming at the top of their lungs. The two of them started playing Lonely Dance while Cody had yet to grace the stage. In usual Set It Off fashion, Cody ran on at the last second, right before singing. Cameron was absolutely mesmerized by the showmanship she was witnessing. Cody knew how to control a crowd, and everyone was entranced with his ways. When Cody waved his arms, you waved your arms. When he told you to jump, you mother fucking jumped. The setlist was perfectly curated with each song flowing into the next as if it were one giant live concept album. The entire set told a story, and we the fans were taking in every moment, screaming back every lyric as loud as we possibly could.
To my surprise, Cody and Maxx ended up switching places for their song "Bad Guy." Ukulele in hand, Maxx took to the front while Cody got comfortable behind Maxx's kit. I had not heard Maxx sing in ages. It brought me back to Rachel's 21st birthday. She hosted a small benefit show for her birthday which Set It Off headlined and then afterwards the guys crashed our house and we sang karaoke and played Just Dance. Maxx slayed at both Just Dance and his karaoke rendition of Nickelback's "Rockstar." Thinking about that moment made my eyes water, yet all I could do was smile and sing along. At least I'll always be able to hold on to happy memories, and that would be all Rachel would ever want from me. To hold on to the positives and keep pushing forward, or as Rachel would always tell me "keep singing your song."
Out of the whole show, Cody played a total of four instruments, two of which were played during a song he wrote for his dad called "Unopened Windows." I bit my bottom lip as Cody made a speech about losing his dad to cancer and healing from loss. As he went on about all the moments he will never share with his dad my mind drifted off into thinking of all the things my sister will miss out on. Rachel would not be here for my 21st birthday. She missed my high school graduation, and will miss both Jacob and Sara's graduations as well. I will never be able to go to Emo Night with my sister. She won't be at my wedding if I ever get married. So many things the future had at hand and Rachel would miss every single one.
I had a feeling this would be on the setlist and I promised myself beforehand that if it were to play that I would not make a scene like when I heard As It Is play Austen. At the time, it was my first show since the accident. My first show without Rachel. It was a fun night and I was absolutely enjoying myself until I heard the lyrics "Give me strength to see you weak, 'Cause I can't bear to let you leave. I know you're tired, but please don't sleep. 'Cause I can't bear to let you leave." I was reminded of being in the hospital. I remember wishing that it were me, angry that I had survived with nothing but whiplash and a dislocated shoulder while my sister didn't make it. I remember collapsing on the ground, hyperventilating and begging for things to have been different. Thankfully, Jacob was with me at that show and was able to help calm me from my anxiety attack.
Tonight, I had promised myself I would pull it together. This was Cameron's first show and I would be damned if I ruined her first concert experience over an anxiety attack. I had hoped Generalized Anxiety Disorder and my fucked up brain could keep it's shit together for one lousy song. I thought if I filmed my mind would be distracted and I could make it through "Unopened Windows" and on to a much happier song. I got some footage of Cody playing the keyboard and phone flashlights being waved in the air, yet had to stop recording in the middle of Cody playing the clarinet to the tune of "Danny Boy," a song often heard at funerals. This melody was inserted in both "Dad's Song" and "Unopened Windows." My chest began closing in on me like the walls of Disney World's Haunted Mansion ride, making it harder and harder to breathe. Not wanting to bother Cameron, I weaved my way out of the crowd to find a safe place to sit down for a couple songs so as to not pass out. With the help of a few breathing and grounding exercises I learned through therapy I was able to avoid a full on attack and rejoin my cousin for the remainder of the show.
After their song "Midnight Thoughts," the band escaped to the green room for a quick break while the crowd started chanting the band's name and for them to play one more song. Cameron joined in on the chants and I silently laughed. Set It Off always did an encore. Two more songs would be played, but not until the crowd begged for it. A few minutes passed and a stage hand came out with an acoustic guitar in hand. This earned a bunch of people cheering, as Cody walked back on stage to play a song not played live in forever. A song from Cinematics called "You Are Loved." This song was my number one song I would play to soothe anxiety attacks. When the anxiety and depression would build too high and all rationale was clouded I tended to lean towards unhealthy coping mechanisms. I craved a quick release and pain seemed to be what worked. It started with punching, but punching turned into cutting. I never actually wanted to die, all I wanted was to feel something. Anything but the numbness that took over my brain. It got to a point where I accidentally cut a vein and immediately was put into an intensive therapy program known as Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I learned much healthier coping mechanisms such as grounding exercises, art, and even using music therapy to cope. Every now and then I would have setbacks, but those setbacks were few and far in between. I made it six months clean, and it would have been seven had I not experienced major anxiety attack last week, sending me back to my old coping mechanisms. Shit happens and healing took time. Sometimes all you could do was acknowledge a setback and strive to work harder to keep clean while remembering three simple words, "you are loved." I found myself singing loud, soaking in every word with a smile on my face. Harry and the Potters were right when they said "the weapon we have is love" because all I could feel was love and in that moment everything felt okay.
Maxx and Zach joined Cody on stage for one final song before taking their bows. Zach handed Cameron a setlist as the guys threw guitar picks and drumsticks into the crowd. It was not long before we ended up back in my car, letting the positive vibes from the whole night sink right in.
"Holy shit." Cameron finally exclaimed. "Just holy shit. That was fucking amazing!"
"Welcome to the concert life. Set It Off was probably the best choice for your first show. They always give an out of body experience every live show they do. Think you're ready for an outro?"
"Yeah."
I quickly adjusted my dashboard cam before wrapping up the vlog with our thoughts on the night we just had. From broken backdrops to Vanessa Carlton covers to Maxx and his ukulele, Cameron and I covered it all. After signing off I went to send a quick message to my uncle to say we were heading out, yet before reaching his contact I noticed I had quite a few messages from both Maxx and Cody. Maxx just wanted to ask if I enjoyed the set while Cody showed some concern about my mini anxiety attack during "Unopened Windows." Not wanting to worry him any more than necessary I sent a quick update.
Cody: Hey, is everything okay? Just checking in. Was it Unopened Windows? Saw you walk out during that song.
Cody: Thinking back, it definitely was Unopened Windows.
Cody: I should have stopped the show. Shit, I'm sorry.
Me: No, I'm glad you didn't stop! I'm fine, just had some thoughts start to spiral and needed to ground myself. I was and still am safe. Thanks for putting on such a great show! I think y'all made Cam's week. She can't stop saying 'holy shit' lol.
Cody: Glad you're okay! Hey, we still have your gifts and we haven't opened them. If you're still here you should swing by the bus! Besides, it would be nice to catch up in a chill and not rushed environment.
Me: I appreciate the invite, but I have to get Cameron home.
Me: Actually... give me a few. I have an idea.
It was already late as is, so I figured why not just text my uncle and see if Cameron could stay the night. I had to close the next night, but a sleepover would be a super cool way to end the night, especially since tonight's show was my birthday gift to her. My uncle got back to me letting me know it was okay with him, so I turned to my cousin, smiling with the knowledge of what I had planned.
"Hey Cameron, would you want to spend the night at my house? It's late and all, and we can go out for breakfast tomorrow morning."
"Yeah, that would be cool. Wait is it okay with my parents?"
"Your dad said it's alright with him. I'll just text my dad and let him know you're staying the night. Anyways, I have a surprise for you."
"Tonight was already enough, you really don't need to do anything more. Unless it's Taco Bell. I could go for some spicy potato tacos."
"I mean, yeah, we can hit up Taco Bell on the way home. But follow me, like I said I have a surprise."
I removed the keys from the ignition and exited the car. I could tell Cameron was a little apprehensive, yet she still followed behind. As I knocked on the bandwagon door her jaw dropped in awe.
"Miriam, what are you doing?!"
"You'll see."
Cody opened the door with a giant smile, gesturing for us to come inside. As we walked in I noticed Maxx and Zach sitting in the front lounge playing a game of Mortal Kombat.
"I would so kick both your asses at this game." I teased, sitting down next to Maxx. Cody sat across from us, nodding his head while silently laughing.
"Cody's laughing cause he knows it's true," Jimmy added as he made his way to the fridge.
He had just walked on the bus after loading in the last of the merch to the trailer.
"You want anything to drink," he asked, holding the fridge door open. "We have beer, water, and coke. We also have Jameson, Fireball, and Bacardi on the counter and Monster in the back."
"As much as I'd love a rum and coke, I do have to drive home tonight. Water would be nice though, thanks! Cam do you want water or coke?"
"Can I have a Monster?"
"Uh, it's a bit late for an energy drink. How about coke instead?"
"Fine, I guess so."
"Oh fuck you!" Zach shouted, tossing his control to the side.
"See, I'm just better than you."
"You got lucky. Anyways, I guess we're opening gifts now? Cody mentioned he wanted to wait until you both joined us. Did you enjoy the show?"
"It was incredible!"
"It was more than incredible!" Cameron exclaimed. "This is the best night of my entire life. And the best birthday gift ever too!"
While Cameron gave Maxx and Zach a run through of her very detailed thoughts I noticed Cody was attempting to message me.
Cody: Are you sure you're okay?
Me: I promise I'm fine.
Cody: Okay, but you are loved. Whatever you're feeling, it's only temporary. We love you so much.
Me: ...you're weird. But I love you too Cody. Thank you.
"Hey Miriam," Zach teased. "Wanna share with the class what you're texting Cody?"
"He's just being a weirdo. A loveable weirdo and I'm thankful. I missed you all so much. It's just been hard since... yeah."
Cody: I know it's been rough, but please don't hurt yourself. You've got so many people that love you. Maxx, Zach, Jimmy, your family, we all love you.
"Dude." I sternly spoke out loud. "I'm fine. I don't know what you're on about, but I am F-I-N-E fine. I spelled it, used it in a sentence, what more do you want from me? Origin of the word? Fucking hell. Now I wish I was drinking."
"Woah," Maxx said, trying to calm the tension. "Perhaps we should change the subject and open those gifts you handed us earlier. Did you want to film our reactions or something?"
"Put my DSLR away, but I can film on my phone for bonus content. Which reminds me, y'all need to see what Cameron and I did earlier when we first got here."
We all laughed while watching Cam and I sing Cody's famous boat ride part before opening the gifts I gave them. Seeing their faces on each individual mug made them smile. Maxx hugged his mug close to his chest before hugging me.
"Yo. I'm taking this on every tour. It'll be like Rachel's always with me when I have my morning coffee. Thank you!"
"I mean, thanks I guess." Zach teased. "But I don't like coffee. The mug is pretty cool though."
"This isn't your average coffee, this is Death Wish. My best friend is obsessed. World's strongest coffee. I mean I can't drink it really for uh, reasons, but I do occasionally. Jacob swears by it too."
"Believe me, Cody has tried to convert Zach to coffee. If he can't bring Zach to the coffee side there is no hope. Dude just likes his morning Red Bull. Cody and I will take the extra bag of Death Wish. Could use some coffee for the rest of tour. What's the DVD though?"
"Okay gross. I only drink it if it's passion fruit or the only energy option available. Willingly drinking it? Just ew. No. Anyhow, you'll have to watch it to find out. As much as I would love to watch with you, we do have to get going. It's a two hour drive and I promised my cousin Taco Bell. Thanks for making Cameron's first show absolutely spectacular. And for inviting us to chill. I really missed doing this."
"Says the person who shouldn't even be drinking energy drinks." Zach smirked.
"Oh, so now you're my doctor?"
"Of course!" Maxx exclaimed, ignoring Zach's comment. "We missed you so much. Always a pleasure hanging with you and the fam. It was nice meeting you, Cameron, hope to see you at another show!"
"Definitely! Miriam is going to have to take me to way more shows."
My phone buzzed and I checked to see another message from Cody.
"Aw Cody says welcome to the Set It Off family Cameron. He also says I noticed your-- nevermind that's a private message. But he did mention y'all are just a text or call away. Aw, how sweet! I love y'all so much."
"And we love you! And he's right, you have our numbers so don't hesitate to bug us."
"I don't have Zach's number, what a dick."
"Give me the damn thing," Zach teased, extending his hand for my phone.
"Not so fast. What's the magic word?"
"Wingardium levi-fuck you. Accio phone, Becker."
"So rude, DeWall. Here you go."
I tossed my phone over to Zach, who pretended to drop it before putting in his contact info and sending a quick text to himself. Before handing it back to me he paused, showing my phone to Maxx before taking a quick selfie. I knew it did not take that long to snap a selfie, and from the facial expression Maxx gave I could only assume they were reading Cody's text mentioning that he noticed my scars and wanted to let me know he cared.
Zach: Hey dork. This be Zach. Just reminding you that you are loved.
Me: Thanks for going through my messages.
Zach: Didn't mean to read it. Was an accident. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. Cody means well, but it's really not our business about your reasons why. Ignore him, he went to dad mode on instinct. Life is hard, but you don't have to go through this alone. And you definitely don't need to feed him info. Just know we love you and care, no matter what.
Zach: Showed this to Maxx and he agrees with me. Btw, you can use the selfie I took as my contact photo.
Me: Oh, it's been updated already Zach Something. Thank you so much.
Cameron and I quickly said our goodbyes and hopped off the bandwagon and into my car. As we drove off I could not help but smile, knowing the last thing Maxx had texted me.
Maxx: I meant what I said, don't be a stranger, Becker.