Warnings: Slight suicidal thoughts
Peter's P.O.V.
I stared out at the stars, shivering in the cold. The night was a cold one but not cold enough for snow. I could hear the sound of the city below me. They were my lullaby on this cold night.
I shivered in my thin clothes. I wore only a thin pair of pants and a t-shirt I'd thrown on when I'd come up to the top of the tower. I wasn't going back down though. I didn't want to hear their plans; didn't want to listen to battle strategies.
I was unbelievably tired, but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shake the feeling of hopelessness. I couldn't help believing that we wouldn't win this war. All I could keep thinking was of what I'd heard Nat say before I'd come up. 'Hope is a luxury we cannot afford.' Those words had filled me with pain. I'd been poor nearly my whole life, and here were these heroes, saying they couldn't afford hope. I'd always thought was hope was free. Yet now, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd always felt. I simply tried to bury it.
It was hopelessness. I'd wondered for years what the feeling was, yet now that I had the answer, all I wanted was the previous ignorance. I wanted to go back to being a kid again. When I had a family. But there was no hope there. I knew that my family would never return to me. So settled the blanket of hopelessness yet again.
My stomach growled, but I ignored it. I wouldn't go down there again.
I wondered if they noticed that I had left yet. Probably not; the war was more important than me. I was the kid they had to watch; they were probably glad I was gone. I looked at my watch--I'd been here for thirty minutes. They weren't coming for me.
I stared up at the stars, remembering how Dad and I had used to look up at the stars. I connected them, making the figures he'd shown me. It used to give me hope just after Uncle Ben had died. Now, it made me feel sadder.
I begged death to come swiftly. That they'd mourn me. I begged that I would die like a hero in this war that had taken the last thing I had. I didn't want to live through this war to see others die too. I didn't want to see this family die too.
Before I knew it, tears were sliding down my cheeks. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be normal. Wanted to not have this responsibility. Wanted to have a family that could stay with me like families were supposed to do.
I wanted to be left alone but was starved for comfort. I wanted the time that families had. But no one could help me. I needed to get through this on my own for when I--if I lived--would be left with nothing. I sat up, not wanting to look at the stars any longer.
"Hey, kiddie." I didn't turn around. I wanted them to go away. I had to be alone. Had to be strong. I felt them nearing, heard them sitting beside me, and felt their hand on my knee. Yet I still didn't look. "Peter, what's going on?" I didn't answer, staring ahead blankly instead. They moved in front of me instead, but I stared through him. "Peter, please. Come down, we need you."
That's when I snapped. "Need me? I've been up here for thirty minutes, and no one even noticed."
Tony recoiled, startled at my outburst. "Peter, what's wrong? I'm sorry that you've been waiting."
I bowed my head, not wanting to meet his eyes. "You all took it from me."
"Took what?"
"You took hope from me!"
"How?"
"Didn't you hear what Nat said? 'Hope is a luxury we can't afford.' You're a billionaire." I hung my head, holding my face in my hands. "I've been poor my whole life, but I always had hope. But now I realized I never had hope. I'm too poor," I said bitterly. "It's all I had left."
"Oh, kid." He reached out his arms but I avoided him.
"We're not going to win. I don't see why you bother trying. Let him have the world; there's nothing good in it."
Despite my protests, he pulled me into his arms, his strong arms wrapping around my torso. He was warm and despite everything I did to push it away, comforting. He was good, he was comforting, and he was there.
In every one of us, there are seasons. There's winter--bleak and depressing, where it feels like we have nothing. There's summer--where we can't help but be joyful because of the people around us. Then, there's autumn and spring--the transitions. They keep coming in an endless cycle. But even though the seasons come and go, we have those beside us always. Tony was that person for me. He was the father that I'd lost twice--first in my own dad then in Uncle Ben.
"Kid. I don't care if we win. I just care if you're okay. I will give my life so that you can be happy. He won't have the world; I won't let him. There is good in it. In you, in Pepper, in your aunt, and everyone here. I would sacrifice myself, let the world burn, to see you all okay." I shifted, settling against his chest. His heartbeat was steady, and my racing one sought to calm with his.
"Peter, hope does cost us. It costs us the bad--the depression and the hurt--and the good. There's so much bad right now that we could buy the world if that's what it cost. Hope is like a plant, Peter. It needs something on which to grow. That's where it costs good. It costs the small amount of good it takes up to shade us against the bad. People like Nat have a hard time seeing the good. They don't see the tiniest sliver that's there. She thinks we can't afford hope. She's wrong. There are people like you who do see the sliver. You are the good, Peter. You're so kind and smart, the one who protects us from the bad by being you."
I didn't speak; I couldn't speak. What do you say to that?
"Let's go and show them the good. Please."
Then, I found the words to speak. "Okay." We both stood up, but I stopped him before he went down. "Mister Stark, thank you."
"For what?"
"For being there and coming to get me. You...you've been like a father to me."
"Of course, Peter. And I'll always be here." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me back down the stairs and out of the cold--and away from my fear.
I've got to say that this is one of the worse ones. But I liked the message, so I decided to keep it. :) How are you liking it so far? If you would, please comment; I would love to know what you think. Have a good day!