A/N: Contains self-harm. Read at your own risk.
***
Lee Jiwon's POV
Many things kept me distracted during the day, but at night, I would always cry myself to bed. Not long ago, Appa trained me in becoming the COO of his company. I have to always be with him (or my trainer) as he deals with his business clients. Actually, I do remember some faces of each. Why, you ask? I remember their faces not because I saw them when I was young but because they were my clients as an exotic dancer. I remember how they threw money at me just for a show and of course, for sex ㅡ which I would always decline because again, I'm just a stripper and not a prostitute. I guess my dark make up was somehow powerful as it mixed with the neon lights in the club. No one ever recognized me as Iris being that I just also apply a natural-looking make up now or I barely even apply make up to be honest. I just dislike how it felt hot and heavy on my face but it was a requirement. I chose to wear dark and heavy make up though even if it wasn't that necessary because I wanted to disguise myself too.
A COO in training. It's a huge jump in my life even if I am Lee Yangwon's heiress because who would've thought that this stripper would someday be a COO? I think no one would really think of that because of how judgemental our society became throughout the years.
Our company is full of luxurious 4 or 5 star hotel, resort, and casino establishments, which was all designed by my father.
"Hotel, Casino," I heard Appa whisper under his breath while staring outside of the huge glass window where as if the whole city of Seoul was seen.
I remembered how I would always run inside this place towards that window as a kid because of how pretty the town looked like. Since I was a kid, it always made me feel astonished and even until now. I just can't imagine that soon, I will be having my own office like this one.
"You once told me your dream of having your own restaurant when you were young," He said, making me look up at him from the paper that I was reading which was a proposal from various companies. I have no idea what to say that is why I only gave him a questioning look.
He still remembers that? But honestly speaking, my desire for a restaurant isn't really that strong though. It was just because I really enjoyed cooking.
When I was a kid, I've been always a watch out in the kitchen. Just the smell of aromatics like garlic and ginger and onion being sautéd, the feeling of the hot steam fanning my hand as I stir some soup, the sizzling sound when I'm frying food ㅡ everything about the kitchen and food just makes me happy. I mean, food just really cheers everyone up, doesn't it?
My mom also taught me how to cook when I was eight years of age. She would also often bring me to the wet market and teach me how to correctly pick the best and freshest food or ingredients to buy.
"Do you want to start your own resto under Cloud Towers and have each establishments with your restaurant?"
I smiled. It makes me feel excited knowing that Appa is allowing me to contribute something new in the company but I still don't think that I am ready. I'm in fact even still training as COO. "I'd love too but I think it's not the time yet. Maybe soon."
Honestly, I think that it's really too early for me to be already preparing for a position at the top. I mean, I just graduated and my dad and I just reunited. It's not like I can easily familiarize myself to the company as a whole. But also, maybe soon when I finally learn to love myself again.
Finding a cure is easy but healing isn't. Healing is when you become whole again unlike curing that just eliminates the evidence of something. And healing is what I need. I don't know how and where to start, but I can't make the people around me truly happy if I myself can't heal me. I just realized that I need no one to heal because everything starts within me. It is I to only mend my broken self since I am the one who broke it.
"I'll be going for awhile, Appa. I need to visit my doctor. I'll be back later," I grabbed my purse and went down the floor using the elevator. I contacted the driver to fetch me and take me to the hospital. I wish I can drive though. I should probably to driving school soon.
***
My appointment didn't last as long as I expected it to be like the usual. I came back to the company building immediately.
Honestly, I'm getting tired of hearing the same advices from my doctor. Though the advices and etcetera that she says are always different from what she already told me, they would just always have the same meaning and it never seems to be working for me anymore. You see, it's easy for them to say something because they never felt the way that I am feeling. They never really felt how to be a piece of shit in this world ㅡ using yourself for money and leaving, cheating, and hurting the person who has accepted and loved you for who you are.
As I entered my father's office, he was nowhere to be found. I heaved a sigh, sitting down on his swivel chair and grabbing his sharp cutter on the table.
I pulled down the sleeve of my coat and stared at the visible line which was a wound that I made probably a week ago. I bitterly smiled and gently slid the sharp object onto my skin above the cut that I made before. Tears were pouring down my eyes. The same feeling of disgust, hate, loneliness, and guilt were polluting my mind. I just feel so damn useless and it's tiring.
The vision of blood coming out of my fair skin and the feeling of the cold and sharp object against it had become a new addiction for me when I start to feel so worthless. It felt like a pain reliever which was an external pain that was covering the pain inside me.
I took some tissue to wipe the blood. It's just a light cut. It's not a big deal.
A bitter smile crossed my lips again as I wiped my tears away and removed any signs of cutting my skin so no one would suspect. I took a bandage out of my bag and covered the wounded area.
"You're here," my father's voice echoed in the four corners of the room as he giddily announced my presence. I flinched in surprise, immediately hiding my wrist using the sleeve of my coat.
Appa carried two paper bags of McDonalds on his hands. He happily gave the other one to me. "It's your favorite!" He exclaimed. Somehow, his smile made my mood light up. I smiled ㅡ a real one ㅡ and opened the paper bag containing a box of 6 pieced McNuggets, a large fry, and a Hot Fudge Sundae. (A/n: food is life y'all.)
"Wow!" My mouth watered after seeing all of the food inside. I took them all out and started digging in. I find it sweet that he still remembers how much I love the nuggets in McDonalds.
He giggled, sitting on the chair in front of his desk which was opposite to my place. "I knew you would react that way." I only smiled at him as I continued to chew on my food. I haven't recovered from the breakdown, but I don't want him to worry about me.
As both Appa and I ate and talked with each other, my phone rang. I politely excused myself to answer my boyfriend's call. "Hello, Minmin?" I answered.
A soft chuckle was heard on the other line. [Minmin is just really cute.] He chuckled again. I could imagine his eyes disappearing as he wore that sweet smile of his. [Anyways, are you free tomorrow?]
I nodded even though he couldn't see me. "Yeah, why?"
[Good. Let's go out tomorrow.]
"Where are we going?"
[Just... somewhere. If you are asking because of something you need to wear, just a simple dress up with somethings fresh. Shorts, if you want.]
"Uhm, okay? You know, you don't have to act so mysteriously." I slightly pouted my lips.
[Well, you were so mysterious back then which made me want you more. I want to talk more but I gotta go. I love you, Wonwon.]
"Uh... yeah."
[Where's my 'I love you too'?] I glanced at my dad and he was looking at me. I feel embarrassed to let him hear me flirt with Jimin so I immediately ended my call with Jimin and typed in a message to answer him back.
Me:
Appa is in front of me and I feel shy to let him hear me flirt with you.
But I love you more, Minmin💕😘
Minmin:
Cutie. I love you most😘
I smiled and turned off my phone to continue enjoying my snack.
"Jimin?" Appa was referring to my caller. I nodded. "He just asked me to go out with him tomorrow," I informed.
"When are you both getting married?" He asked all of a sudden, which made me choke on my nugget that I was currently chewing. I drank some of my coke to flush down the piece of meat that was stuck on my throat. "Appa!" I exclaimed.
"What?" He innocently popped a fry in his mouth. "You're both financially stable. Besides, you guys are not getting any younger, Jiwon." He tapped his point finger onto his rolex watch. "And so am I."
"Tick tock, tick tock," he repeated while wiggling his eyebrows. Sometimes, my father just gets really weird. He is a man with full of jokes which he used to tell me and my mom when I was a kid. Him and his lame dad jokes and he's still got it even up to this time.
I kinda miss mom though. But I hope that she's happy up there since Appa and I are okay now ㅡ since we are a family again.
***
In a peace and quiet surrounding, my mind wandered into different thoughts as I watched how the sea water crawled towards and backwards my feet with the gentle blow of the wind that was also making my hair dance with it. I smiled a bitter small smile, inhaling deeply.
It's night time, and only the light from the sky and the light from the house behind me was illuminating the area. This place (the beach house) has been a part of my life which unfortunately happened to be the most painful part of it. I have no idea why Jimin has brought me back here. This place is wonderful, but my memory isn't as wonderful as this place seems to be. I might say that I dislike the idea of returning here but I cannot just leave behind the fact that Jimin and I shared a beautiful night filled with passion, intimacy, and love in this place.
My finger pads felt the cold and smooth texture of the heart design of the necklace that Jimin gave me. I was lightly pinching it in between my point finger and my thumb. This necklace may have been the most precious and most sentimental object that I've ever received because I never found myself removing it unless I needed to take a shower.
A part of my depression comes those episodes that has never been yet seen by anyone. Even Jimin doesn't know when I have it but even if he has no clue, it is as if on purpose that he would call me or text me messages just to remind me of his love and with that, I just do find the times of my episodes decreasing. But that doesn't always happen when I'm about to harm myself.
The feeling of loneliness is addicting. I've been so used to the feeling of being alone but Jimin was there and he saved me ㅡ and he is still saving me by being a supportive partner so that I can finally reach the surface above the sea of loneliness where happiness and the true value of life awaits.
Happiness may be a feeling that only you can make yourself feel, but having that someone beside you ㅡ helping you in mending your broken self ㅡ I just can't ask for more. All along he was an angel and each day just really makes me realize how much undeserving I am to have him. He told me to stop thinking that way but I could not help it sometimes.
"You look so deep into your thoughts. Mind sharing it?" His warm body enveloped my form which relaxed my cold muscles. I shook my head slightly to tell him that I'm not really thinking much nor thinking anything depressing even though somehow, I am.
"You know, I somehow expected that I was becoming a dad. It didn't grow, did it?" He softly whispered, disappointment evident on his voice.
I caressed his arm that was on my waist, smiling sadly. "I did too. I thought I'd become a mother. I did that because I wanted it, Jimin. But now, I think I'm not yet ready. I need to find myself before I raise a child, Minmin."
He softly chuckled. "I know, Wonwon and it's not like I'm asking for a child now. It's better if we spend more time together, just you and me. Besides, we are still both coping up with our new lives ㅡ you, being a COO soon and me as a CEO." He lightly pecked my cheek.
A relaxing sound of silence occured between us for a moment, just us feeling each other's warm embrace.
With the light sound of the wind and the waves, Jimin started singing softly into my ear.
"I modeun geon unyeoni anya
Geunyang geunyang naui neokkimeuro~"
I closed my eyes, letting his angelic voice and the message of his song sink deep into my mind. My body felt so relaxed and warm plus his singing voice makes it even better.
My eyes were kept closed throughout his singing and somehow, I started crying from the sudden feeling of being so unworthy of his love because of making the worst mistake which was hurting him just because I was deperate for money.
He had no clue that I was crying in his arms and that's what I want. I'm just too much of a burden.
"Just let me love you (let me love, let me love you)
Let me love..." he slowly turned me into his direction and his face softened more after he saw me crying but he continued to sing. "Let me love you," he warmly smiled.
Holding both of my hands, he knelt down in front of me with only his right knee touching the fine white sand of the beach. My heart pounded, already aware of what is happening.
"Wonwon-ah," his voice cracked. His eyes glimmered under the moon and the stars from the tears that were forming along their edges. "I've been wanting to do this a long time ago but I wanted to make sure that I am ready to raise a family with you. My heart has never pounded for anyone like it always beats when I'm with you. You're so perfect for me and your flaws even made you so beautiful. Knowing you better made me realize how amazing you are as a person. A strong woman with an unconditional love which everyone would surely want to feel and I am so damn lucky to be one of the people to experience and feel it." He paused. He's crying and I don't understand why, but I remembered how much of a softie he was.
I bit my lip and silently cried, looking down onto his wonderful face filled with sincerity and love, and hoping that this never ends. He makes me feel so much loved. But when he is away, I can't find the reason to love myself.
"But I would be the happiest and luckiest man to ever live in this world if I can be with you for the rest of my life." He pulled out something from the pocket of his shorts and showed the little red box which had a diamond engagement ring inside. "I love you so much, Jiwon. Will you marry me?"
Like how the universe witnessed our sweet first kiss under the stars and the moonlight, it will now witness how I, Lee Jiwon, will answer the proposal of the man that I love for the first time and the man that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life. I do love him so much. I really do.
"I love you, Jimin. I love you so much but," I cried a loud sob, my heart aching from my own decision. I'd love to be with him but now is not the right time because I'm still so lost. I'm so lost and I am not the girl that he loved anymore. I need to find myself ㅡ the strong Jiwon that Jimin met and loved.
I need to love myself again first with or without him making me feel loved.
Shaking my head, I answered his question with a trembling voice. "I can't marry you, Jimin. I'm sorry."