Chapter 55
Opening night passes. Then Monday's show. Then Tuesday.
I wake up at noon Wednesday, drained of all energy. Clark's already gone, a little note waiting on his pillow all romantic-like. I groan and roll over, ignoring the generic 'I love you' written on the piece of paper.
I'm so tired, more tired than I thought I'd be during these shows. It runs from 7 to 10 at night, and then we do meet and greet and such, which takes an extra hour. By the time I'm home it's midnight and I'm walking like a zombie.
My phone dings again and I grab it to see a row of text's coming in from a group message.
Lauren: 5 Bar Karaoke & Lounge tonight at 8. You don't have to dress up, just come how you are everyone!
Walker: So can I come naked?
Denise: Thanks for the mental image.
Holden: Walker save it for Lauren.
Meredith: Can I bring Trinity?
Alex Paul: Isn't that your monkey from Apocalytour, Meredith?
Robert: I can't believe I'm reading these texts right now.
Nicki: You said it, Robert.
Lauren: Can y'all just show up and have fun? I just want to get drunk and party all night long.
Dylan: Don't we all.
Jeff: Excited!!
Nick Lang: Alright we get it you're all excited now shut up some of us are still sleeping!!
I laugh at Nick's response and text Lauren separately to tell her I'm going.
Then, I get a text from someone else.
Dylan: I need to talk to you.
Alex: Everything okay?
Dylan: Can I come over, is now a good time?
I look down at my attire. A Harry Potter t-shirt and Joe Boxer short-shorts. Yeah, I'm super decent.
Alex: If you're home then start heading over. If you're already outside my apartment like last time then I'm gonna need at least ten minutes.
Dylan: Thanks for making me sound creepy. I haven't left my house, I'll be at your place in half an hour.
I lock my phone and get up, grabbing my glasses off my nightstand and rushing to my wardrobe. I have thirty minutes to change and shower. I reach into my drawer and pull out a pair of floral pants and then grab an aqua colored tank top, while pushing aside a pair of sandals from my closet and putting aside a pair of little gold hoops for my first piercing. Then I rush into my bathroom and slam the door shut.
I shower quickly, trying to keep my mind off the usual things I think in the shower. Usually I just fear if I close my eyes too long those eyes will reappear, but lately I'm just afraid that my locked door is going to be burst open, someone attacking me while I shower like they did at Leaky Con in the bathroom. Nothing's happened since we got back to New York, nothing in over a month. No calls, no texts, no visits, no nothing. Maybe I'm safe now, maybe the person backed off or something changed. Whatever it is, I'm just happy I haven't had to deal with it for now, but I'm not convinced all of this is over yet.
With a minute to spare I've showered, done my hair, clothed myself and put on make-up with earrings. I grab my phone and see I've missed a text from Clark.
Clark: Miss you already. Sorry I'm not there for tonight :(
Alex: It's alright, love, we're together the rest of the week.
It's not really okay.
I'm hitting send on a 'I love you' text to Clark when my front door sounds of knocks. I look in the mirror near the door and check my reflection. Then, I open the door.
Before I can even say hi or a word can be said at all, Dylan pushes his way in.
"Hi to you too," I say before closing the door and turning around to him.
"Did you take my dalmane?"
His forwardness scares me slightly, the unexpectedness of his question throwing me off. Take his dalmane? No, I didn't take any of the pills, I took the empty bottle.
"No, no I never took any of it."
"Well, I mean, a bunch of them go missing every time I make a new purchase and my doctor threatened to cut me off, saying that I'm going to overdose." He runs his hands through his hair. "I don't know what to do, I didn't take too many and she thinks I'm like, losing it or something..."
I tense slightly. "You're not taking more than you should?"
Dylan turns his head to me. "No...? Why would I? My doctor gives me fifty pills and I should be going through them at most in three weeks because I don't need them every night. Insomnia isn't constant for everyone, it varies. Lately though, I can't sleep, I'm having problems. And I need the pills to sleep at night. And before you say I'm an addict, I'm not because I only usually take them twice to three times a week, four at the absolute most. We've been coming home so late from the show's that I haven't needed them every night, but last night I realized I only have three pills left and I just got my order two weeks ago. And I've barely needed them compared to the usual sleep-less week."
I get Dylan a water bottle from my fridge, the sweat beading down his face quickly. It's been a pretty hot May this year, and with Dylan stressing about the pills, he looks like he's ready to pass out. He takes it and chugs half the bottle before I speak.
"I promise, I didn't do this."
He wipes his forehead and takes a seat on my light blue couch. He stares at the wall, shaking his head slightly. "I don't get it."
I sit down next to Dylan, turning the idea over in my head whether or not to tell him I A) Called his doctor and found out about the pills and B) Took his empty pill bottle and suspected he was taking too many pills, also.
I choose the latter.
"When I was at your place, when I brought you home from the birthday party, I saw the empty pill case on the floor. I also saw," I turn to Dylan. "The date when you ordered it. And there weren't any pills in the bottle when you got the prescription filled a week before."
He looks up at me from the floor, his eyes piercing. He looks like his J'afar persona for a second. Then, he hangs his head and sighs loudly. "Okay. Okay obviously it's not like I can lie myself out of this. I'll be honest with you Alex. I hate when I can't sleep. I hate when I lie awake at three am staring up at my ceiling or when I do sleep I hate the nightmares that wake me up every hour. I hate that during post-Denise I was taking pills to sleep every night and that when your appendix burst I didn't sleep for two days straight, even with the pills. I hate that my father is dead and that my mother doesn't talk about him anymore, and I hate that through all of this I'm supposed to pretend I'm okay. I'm not okay, but I'm not a liar. I'm not overdosing on pills, I'm not selling my pills. I'm losing them. They disappear and I don't know where they go because if I did I wouldn't be here right now."
He starts to shake a little bit and I see a tear fall to the floor. He wipes his eyes and I look away for a second when he looks up so he doesn't have to think I was staring at him the whole time.
"Dylan..." I try to speak but I can't think of anything to say to him. I don't know what to say, how to comfort him after all the times he's held me and told me it's going to be alright. I don't know how to say what he needs to hear, to give him the words of encouragement he needs.
"Listen," I find my voice. "I'm not going to sit here and tell you right from wrong, good from evil and weak from strong. Okay you already know all the differences. Everything you're going through right now, everything you can't seem to figure out...you will. I never said you were a liar, Dylan, I never said you were selling them.
"I know that you're going through stuff right now. But remember that I'm always here and I always will be here for you no matter what. Because you can't be replaced by anyone, ever."
He leans over and rests his head on my shoulder. "No one will ever replace you either, Alex."
I don't hear what he's saying. All I hear is the sound of my heart at the touch of his head on my mostly bare shoulder, and how it makes goosebumps shoot up from my arms. And why Clark doesn't make me feel that anymore.
****
When Lauren told us about the 5 Bar & Karaoke Lounge, I had thought it was going to be similar to the Sakura Karaoke Lounge Dylan and I went to in March. But no, this is more of a club, bar and karaoke lounge all in one. And it's pretty loud when we enter tonight.
"Welcome!" The bouncer says at the door, jamming to the music with his hands in the air. "Our only rule is have fun and keep them ID's handy my friends."
He's tall, the bouncer, whose name is Henry, but his smile helps with the intimidation of his size. We all walk in together, all of us, with Lauren and Walker on my side. Lauren is asked for her ID twice, obviously the guy not believing she's not over 21. The poor girl. She looks like she's an adult and she's still getting carded.
"Beer all around?" Holden asks once we've all taken a set of couches in the middle of the place, the middle of all the chaos.
"Except me," Nicki jokes, placing a hand on her absolutely huge belly, laughing. "Can you get me a soda, Brian?"
He smiles. "No, I can't. Get it yourself, gosh what are you pregnant?"
She throws her purse at him, but he catches it.
"YAY A PURSE! I've always wanted one of these!"
Everyone laughs at that, mostly Nicki.
While Holden gets drinks, everyone drifts into their own conversations, and I end up talking to Nicki and Joey. The two of them, just sitting side by side, seem so happy and content with everything. They hold hands like they did at the restaurant a few weeks ago and giggle at each other's jokes while I watch, happy for them. I've never seen either of them this happy before.
At one point, the conversation skips to Friday's show, when everyone's coming to town; Elias, Lana, Madison and her family, everyone.
"So I'll get to see Madison after how many years, five? I barely recognized Lainey/Lana, who knows how much Madison's changed?"
I shake my head. "Not much. At the time I saw her she was pregnant, but it's been about nine months since, so Holly is definitely born now. I can't wait to meet her, I love babies."
"Speaking of which, I haven't asked you this entire time," Nicki says, turning to me more so than Joey. "Do you want to feel her?"
I completely forgot about that. I had felt Madison's girl kick in her stomach, felt the presence of life. But I've never put my hand on Nicki's stomach. I never thought to ask because Nicki's had so many problems without the baby, that I didn't need to jump in asking if I could feel her stomach.
"Can I?" I ask cautiously.
She nods. "I also wanted to ask. Well, we wanted to ask," Nicki looks at Joey. Together they ask, "Would you be the Godmother?"
Never in my life, even when we were kids, did I think Nicki would ask me to be the Godmother of her children. (Now I'll have to ask her when I have my first born of course.) I feel tears of happiness and complete delight overtake me. "I would love to be her Godmother."
"Then here." Nicki takes my hand and puts it on her large, solid belly. I can feel the baby kicking alright, but it doesn't feel like a kick, more like...
"Is that her punching your belly, not kicking?" I ask, laughing.
"I wouldn't be surprised," she smiles. "She does that a lot lately, punches my stomach."
"Have you decided on names?" I ask, pulling my hand away and putting my hands under my chin all excited-like.
Nicki nods but smiles wider. "I can't tell you till she's born. It's a surprise, we finally decided on a name a few weeks ago, but we haven't told anymore but my parents who told me I had to tell them."
"No fair!" I laugh.
"Hey, my mom and dad made me tell them, so don't get mad at me!"
"And they're okay, both your parents, with all this? I know, I know, you're adults, it's your body. But Nicki I know your family, you're my best friend. Are your parents okay with all this?"
Joey answers this time. "Surprisingly, her parents were the one's who were more chill about all this. My parents, the one's who have an ten year old and a twenty-four year old, were a bit mad, got mad at me. It took a lot of convincing to help them realize that I could do this, that I'll be able to take care of a baby, have a girlfriend, and have a stable job all at the same time."
"Well, I'm happy for you two, really. I think it's about time you two are just happy and don't have to deal with all this shit anymore."
Nicki pats my hand, sitting on my leg. "You too," she smiles.
Yeah, I think to myself. I'm so happy.
The night continues on with all of us chattering away, getting drink after drink and telling jokes to send all of us into howls of laughter for minutes at a time. Walker does a shot contest with Holden (Walker wins by one), I talk with everyone about the show at some point, and it's an all around great night.
Around ten, people start getting chosen by a spotlight and MC to go up and sing duet's or solo's, and it's so funny how many people are drunk or just joking around together onstage. It's so fun, and I hope I'm picked at some point. I'd love to perform with a random stranger.
The MC, a short black man, is having the absolute time of his life finding people to sing together. He'll call you up with a spotlight, ask your name and what you're doing at the club and then demand you (jokingly) to sing with the person or by yourself.
He's hilarious, this guy. And I wish I knew his name or if this was his job full time. He's really great.
"Alright we're looking for our next duet to sing this beautiful Avril Lavinge song! The first spotlight finds..." The spotlight shines on Dylan, where we all clap for him as he waves and stands to go on stage.
"What is this, High School Musical?" He asks into the mic jokingly, causing the crowd to laugh. "I've been waiting to say that literally all night," he laughs.
"Okay my man what's your name and what are you doing in this fine establishment?" The MC asks Dylan.
"Uhh my name's Dylan Saunders and I'm here with all my theater buddies on our night off from our show," he says, smiling over at all of us.
"Alright my man well I hope your shows go awesomely, how about we find your partner for this duet, shall we?"
Dylan nods and the other spotlight sounds.
"Now who's gonna sing with my new main man, Dylan?" The MC asks.
The spotlight hits me and I shield my eyes to be able to see. No, no, no, not me and Dylan, I think to myself as everyone claps. Anyone but Dylan, please, no.
"Come on up here young lady," the MC says.
Reluctantly, I get up and make my way to the stage, standing at the other microphone.
"How about you little lady what's your name and what are you doing here tonight?"
I clear my throat and look out at the mostly silent bar, my friends all giving me big thumbs up and smiling. "I uhh, I'm Alex Rose, and I'm also here with the same theater friends as Dylan."
The MC claps his hands together. "Hot damn look at that y'all! Can we pick 'em or can we pick 'em? You two ready to sing?"
Dylan nods eagerly and I smile tentatively.
"HIT IT!" The MC yells and jumps offstage as the music starts to play.
Avril Lavinge's "Let Me Go" begins to play and I tense. I know this song, but the lyrics are what's scaring me. And I don't want to sing this song with Dylan. At all.
Because all I can think about as he looks over quickly and smiles is his touch on my shoulder earlier this morning.
"Love that once hung on the wall. Used to mean something, but now it means nothing. The echoes are gone in the hall. But I still remember, the pain of December. Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say. I'm sorry it's too late...
"I'm breaking free from these memories! Gotta let it go, just let it go. I've said goodbye, set it all on fire! Gotta let it go, just let it go!"
Dylan smiles broadly as the audience cheers in between my singing. Then Dylan grabs the mic and continues on the lyrics.
"You came back to find I was gone. And that place is empty, like the hole that was left in me. Like we were nothing at all. It's not what you meant to me, thought we were meant to be. Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say. I'm sorry it's too late..."
I join back in and sing the next part with Dylan, losing myself in the words.
"I'm breaking free from these memories! Gotta let it go, just let it go. I've said goodbye, set it all on fire! Gotta let it go, just let it go!"
The audience is going completely nuts and loving the way our voices mesh together, squealing and running to the stage like some kind of mosh pit. Dylan's having the time of his life, which relaxes me and I sing with him, rocking the stage with our amazing vocalization. We alternate who sings the next part, flowing perfectly with the music.
"I let it go, and now I know. A brand new life, down this road. When it's right, you always know, so this time, I won't let go!"
I sing the next line separately, realizing the words that I'm actually saying to him right now.
"There's only one thing left here to say. Love's never too late..."
Joining back in, Dylan takes the mic and comes closer to me, singing to me and only me.
"I've broken free from those memories! I've let it go, I've let it go! And two goodbyes, led to this new life, don't let me go, don't let me go!"
And while I sing the final parts with Dylan, the song slowing down and being this soft piano melody and us alternating the same lyrics back and forth, I stare at Dylan's piercing blue/green eyes. I stare at his slightly crooked jaw, less crooked than Joey's. I stare at his perfect face, his perfect hands, his perfect arms. I stare at his perfect body that I just want to hold in my arms and never let go. I stare at the most perfect man I've ever seen in my life.
When the song finally stops the entire place explodes in an inferno of noise, the cheering louder than the music had even been. The intensity Dylan and I are staring at each other cancel's out everything I was thinking as I turn back to the audience and smile widely, showing no real emotions, but only fake. I bow with Dylan - refusing to take his hand - and replace the mic in the stand.
"Wow! Let's hear it for these two, am I right? Got some serious musical chemistry, they do! Good luck in your show, kids. One more round of applause for Alex and Dylan!" The MC says after he returns to the stage.
The lounge claps again, hollering and whooping and whistling.
I can barely hear them, though.
When we get off stage, I feel myself losing control of my emotions.
"Hey you okay?" Dylan asks me, appearing right in front of me.
Imagine being so drained of sleep and also really confused at the same time, with this literal fog over your eyes. That's the emotion I'm feeling at this exact moment.
I look up at him. "Bathroom," I manage to mutter and race off towards the back exit, next to the bathrooms. I only noticed it because of the large EXIT sign next to the large RESTROOM sign.
I push the door open and go into the back alleyway, breathing harder and harder, feeling my insides twist and turn and hurt. I hold the side of the building with one hand and breathe in and out, trying to keep my tears from falling down my face. I run my hands through my hair a few times, holding them in there as I turn in circles and finally release everything I felt at the end of that performance. I cry, a lot. I cry for the fact I let myself do that, I let myself go up and sing with Dylan. But I've sung with Dylan countless times before, we do the show together, we sing A Thousand and One Nights together, which is actually more about love between two people than this song. It's wrong, what I'm feeling. I love Clark, I love him.
I choke a bit as I cry, letting out large sobs and gulping in air as I try to compose myself. I sit down on a wooden crate and lean against the wall of the alley, smacking my open palm on the wall.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!! I shout in my head, curse words coming out of my mouth. I smack the wall again and then turn and lean against the wall again, feeling all my pain continue to hit me in waves, like punches in the face.
Why is it every time I try to get rid of Dylan he finds his way back in with the biggest of ease? He doesn't even try, he just does it quickly and ninja-like. He just gives me his beautiful blue/green eyed look and smiles his perfect smile that looks like the world could be hell and his smile would destroy the horrible parts of the world. He looks like this person who could possibly do no wrong and is the most amazingly perfect person in the world.
I grasp my chest with my hand and hold it there, feeling my heart pump faster than I thought possible. I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't concentrate on a singular thought without going back to the perfection of Dylan. I can't think of Clark, his face blurred out by Dylan's smile, the one he gave me on that stage.
Is this - Besides the obvious signs of a panic attack - what I'm feeling right now for Dylan, is this love? Are all the complicated emotions that keep coursing through my mind threatening to destroy me, is this love?
No, this isn't...this can't be love. How can it be? I love Clark, I've loved him truly and faithfully for all this time, I have been his and only his since we started dating. I haven't cheated on him, at all. I haven't even thought about cheating on him...except when I thought about kissing Dylan.
Aw man!
I smack the wall again with my palm, not wanting to make a fist and punch the wall the same way I broke my hand back in October. I don't want to do that, I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to feel this way. I want it all to end, I want it all to stop, I want to stop hurting like this.
I sit back down on the crate and hold my legs, trying to get a grip, trying to calm down enough to go back inside. I've been out here for a long time, and I know everyone's going to be worried about me like always. I don't want to be found, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be told everything's okay.
Because everything is not okay.
I let my head hit the concrete wall over and over again, incessantly. I'm not trying to break my skull open or anything, it's just this constant movement I can be doing right now. I'm staring out at the empty street, no one passing by, no cars whizzing around, no sound of any kind besides the low hum of cricket chirps and muffled music from inside. No one's around, it's just me, sitting on this wooden crate and staring at the road absentmindedly. I'm not even focused on it, the road. I'm just starring, just starring at nothingness.
I should have taken my pills, I should have brought them. I should have come with Clark. I should, I should, I should, I should.
It's like in Twisted, where the villains all say 'I only wish' over and over again, claiming their sides of the story are the real sides and the true stories have been Twisted. Dylan wrote part of that song, AJ and Clark wrote it with them.
I still remember when I was going over lines listening to them play parts together, trying to configure the rest of the song.
"Okay ummm, how about this after the villains? 'What remains of a man, when that man is dead and gone? Only memories and stories of deeds will linger on.' Dylan had said to AJ.
"Yeah," AJ answered. And then ummm, 'If a man's accomplishments are in the tale they tell'...ugh, what about after that?"
"How about 'But if a man's accomplishments aren't in the tale they tell, are the deeds that go unheralded his legacy as well?'"
Clark had nodded. 'Man, that's awesome. Okay, and then umm, something about war again, we have to go back to what he was saying before."
"Hmmm..." Dylan said. "We could try, 'If a war breaks out tomorrow, we'll...we'll all have hell to pay! Why protect my reputation? I'm a dead man either way.'"
"Why didn't we hire you to help write songs five years ago?" AJ had joked.
Dylan had shrugged. "Inspiration comes at strange times my friends." Then they had all laughed.
My favorite song of the entire musical, and Dylan of course is part of it.
I keep hitting my head on the wall, my head starting to hurt now.
Tears start flowing down my face again as I think about how completely stupid I am. Why is it every time I have a chance for happiness, I disregard it because of changes? I tossed aside Dylan to begin with because he didn't ever tell me if he liked me, and because of Clark coming in, and because I didn't want to get hurt again after Jeff. Why did I let my own stubbornness get in the way of my path?
I bury my face in my hands and wail like a child, my heart returning to the fast pace I'd had not five minutes before, causing me to jump up and start pacing in the alley.
"Calm down motherfucker, calm down!" I shout to myself. I feel insane, completely crazy like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling like I'm going completely insane, like my head's going to explode any second because of my thoughts overtaking me.
I fall to my knees, my heart pumping so hard I'm lightheaded. I lean over on the ground and just cry, breathing in and out, in and out.
"Alex."
His tone is so disapproving and upset that I don't think to identify it with the correct person at first.
Walker's standing at the door, his usual jovial face more concerned than he was when Joey was in the hospital.
He walks, he doesn't rush to my side, and I don't stop him, I don't say anything to him. I just look at him with my tear stained eyes and my heavy breathing. I don't move a muscle other than my breathing, which is still very loud.
Walker takes my hand and hoists me up. I'm still dizzy and I fall right into his arms, which are waiting to catch me anyways as I start crying all over again onto him. His heavy arms hold me tight, a hug made up of warmth and protection that I haven't felt from neither Dylan, Jeff nor Clark before. Not even Darren's, whose hugs are the most like protection I've ever had. These arms, Walker's arms, remind me exactly of my dad.
My father, the man who hugged me only on my birthday and Christmas, is who Walker's arms resemble right now. They feel the same way they felt the last time he hugged me, twelve hours before they died. I've never forgotten the feeling of my parents arms in the last seven years, always managing to remember the touch when I truly need it. But Walker's muscular arms remind me of Dad, and how strong he was hugging me.
I know he hugged me like this as a child, my dad. I know he held me closer when I was sad, when I cried before middle school. He had been there at one point. And now that my dad isn't here, Walker's arms substitute perfectly.
Between my cries Walker manages to coo me, telling me that everything's okay, that everyone's fine.
"No...i-i-it's not," I sputter. "I-I-it's never okay."
"What happened, Alex? Why did you just break down, why did you come out here?" His voice is softer and more gravely than it usually is, his full concern on my condition.
"I was h-h-having a p-p-p-panic attack. I needed to c-come out here and c-c-c-cry by m-ma-myself."
If he's not slightly annoyed with my stutter, I'd be surprised. Because I'm annoyed and I can't even help it.
"Why did you have a panic attack?" He asks gently.
"D-D-Dylan."
He seems to stop breathing for a second. Since I told Lauren and Walker about my sleeping with Clark to get over Dylan, they've been the only people to really know my feelings. They know that I had feelings for him, they know that I've obviously had problems. But I'm surprised that he's remembered, because his next words aren't what I expect to hear.
"You're not over him...are you? Sleeping with Clark did nothing in the long run, did it?"
Surprisingly, I pull away from Walker. I know my make-up looks like a mess and my hair is everywhere now, but Walker is one of the few people I don't mind being around looking like shit. Like Darren, he's like an older brother to me. "How...how did you k-know?"
He sighs. "I've watched how you interact with Clark and Dylan since Twisted started. It doesn't matter if you're playing Dylan's opposite, you're spending more time with him than with Clark. Clark's not here tonight, which gave you a chance to be closer to Dylan, rather than being close to Clark. You two have been fighting, which we all know because we can see the way you two talk, not to mention we all know he keeps going to the bar after practice's because he's angry about something. I think he knows he's losing you, Alex."
That makes me hurt more and I feel more tears coming down my cheeks, not wanting to hear the obvious truth. "I love him, Walker. I love Clark so much." No longer stuttering, I'm just high pitched and whiny. "I've loved Clark since we told each other we loved each other, I've been faithful."
Walker pulls me back to him as I cry harder into his black v-neck. "There's a difference between loving someone and being in love, Alex. You may not want to believe it, but I think you let Clark in as a mechanism to fight off Dylan. You were never in love with Clark, but you love him. Dylan on the other hand...he's the one you were always into. Since you came to Starkid. Dylan's the one who brought you into the Starkid world, and he's the one you've always wanted. Alex, you're in love with him. You don't just care about him, you're in love him. You know you are. You can't tell me that coming out here and having a panic attack seconds have singing with Dylan isn't a coincidence."
No. No I can't tell him that. But I don't know if I want to tell him the truth.
I wait a second before speaking. "Why...how did you know I was out here?"
He chuckles slightly. "You were gone for twenty minutes, Alex. Lauren checked the bathroom but you weren't there and I saw the door cracked open for out here and I told Lauren I'd check, to go back with everyone else."
"Does anyone else...do they know you're out here?" I whisper now.
"No. I didn't say anything to anyone, I promise."
I nod into Walker's shirt. "Okay. Then umm, I want you to tell them that I went home? Can you tell them that?" I pull away, wrap my arms around my stomach and look at him, hoping my eyes look like I'm pleading.
"Please stay Alex, come on. You can deal with everything with the guys tonight, that way you don't have to let this torture yourself. You don't have to keep having panic attacks and doing this to yourself, being in constant pain. Come on, I had that when I pretended not to care about Lauren. But you can't tell me now that after everything I said, that you don't feel that way? You love Clark, but you're in love with Dylan, deal with it now!"
I shake my head as my arms finally let go of Walker altogether. "Joe, I appreciate it, but I can't. I can't, okay? Not yet, not tonight. Not when I'm vulnerable like this."
He looks at me, seeming to decide something.
"Are you going to be okay going home alone?" He asks. "I can go with you or get someone to go with you or--"
"Please?" I whisper finally. "Please, just trust me? If I really need someone, I'll call you, okay? Or Nicki or Lauren. I promise I'm not going to hurt myself. I really just want to go home, take a hot bath and sleep."
Walker studies me again, seemingly knowing part of that's a lie. True, I want to go home and sleep, but I don't want a hot bath. I want to overdose on my pills quite honestly, though I won't do that to everyone.
"You promise you'll text me as soon as you get home?" He looks me straight in the eye, not taking them off me for even half a second. "Promise me, Alex?"
I nod, feeling the tears start to come back. "I promise," I tell him, letting out air through my words, trying to keep my tears from being exposed.
I don't go home right away. I sit in my car and I plug my phone in so I can listen to that song one more time as I cry into my steering wheel.
"I've broken free from those memories! I've let it go, I've let it go! And two goodbyes, led to this new life, don't let me go, don't let me go! Ohhh!! Oh don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me gooo!"
I belt the chorus out with Avril as I finally start my car and wipe my eyes. My mirror proves that I was right about my make-up. I look like a raccoon now.
A sad, heart broken, confused and upset raccoon.
I text Walker saying I'm home the second I turn off my car in my apartment building's parking garage. He responds by telling me to stay safe.
It's too bad I don't know exactly where safe is anymore.
I get upstairs and unlock the door, trying to wipe the make-up off with my hands so I don't have to look at my face again when I get to my shower.
I open the door and am immediately scared to death by Clark, holding a single rose in his hand and smiling wide. I actually scream, totally unaware of the fact he'd be home at all tonight before me.
His face falls immediately and he rushes to my side. "Baby, are you okay?"
I just cry into his arms, obviously not okay. I try to just play it off like I'm happy crying I tell him when I find the words in the back of my throat finally.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's just that, I got off from the gig early, and I wanted to surprise you. I was a dick last week, before shows started and in general I've been an asshole. There's just so much going on, and I feel like you're slipping away from me..."
"No," I stop him, before I realize myself what I'm saying. "No, I'm not slipping away. Just a lot of...drama and such going on. Just...I'm sorry I've been a bitch lately, too."
His smile warms my heart slightly and helps me regain my balance as he lets go of me.
"I love you," he whispers.
"I love you, too," I reply reluctantly as our lips touch.
How can you tell the truth to the person you love when you care too much to let their heart break?
A/N: Hopefully the external link to see the 5 Bar Karaoke & Lounge works! Click it to see the sweet place, it's real! If it doesn't work, look it up or take my word for it ;)
What Walker said to Alex is my favorite thing I've written in a while for this book, I wrote that months ago, and I love it ^.^ I know what most of you want for this book and even though your comments haven't influenced the ending, just keep reading. Just. Wait.
JOEY RICHTER SAID MY NAME ON THE #EQUALITYFTW LIVESTREAM. HE SAID IT, MY NAME, HE SAID NICKEY SIEGERMAN. ASDFGHJKJHGFSASDGHKLGDSA.
ALSO THAT SONG. THAT SONG IS LIFE ♥♥♥ I'VE WAITED A YEAR TO USE IT!!!
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May your life be filled with Music, Candy and Unicorns :D ~Nickey <3