You never really realize how common birds are in the world until they've completely disappeared. And you never really realize how much you care about someone until they're suddenly gone, too.
Thomas had been gone for two weeks, and in those two weeks, I've come up with the worst possibilities of what could have happened to him.
Dead, bleeding, held captive.
"You know, you don't have to go looking for him," advised James. "He'll come back eventually. He's done this before, and he's never really left for good." There was doubt in his words, like he didn't fully believe what he was saying himself.
"I'm just going on a walk," I said, reciting the lines I had practiced for a while. "I'm not looking for him. I just need time to think."
"Be careful, Alexander." He added the next part as an afterthought. "And if you find Thomas, maybe you should bring him back."
"Will do. I'll see you later."
It was a lie, of course, that I was only going for a walk. I didn't plan to stop until I found Thomas and brought him home. I left the castle every morning as soon as I woke up, and never came back until darkness blanketed the sky and I couldn't go anywhere. And I'd keeping doing it until I found him.
I focused, found my energy, and teleported to where I had quit my search yesterday.
I pitched forwards almost instantly, but I caught myself before I fell. I groaned and held my head, dots of light obscuring my vision. I felt like I was spinning. Finally, the dots disappeared, and I looked up. In spite of myself, I grinned.
It was horrible still, but I was getting better.
I looked around and picked a direction. An uncomfortable silence filled the woods as I trekked through them quietly; the only noise was that of my boots crunching against fallen leaves. I missed the birdsong I had grown quite used to. It had always been so pretty, even if it wasn't intending to be. And it always reminded me of the person I cared about more than anything.
My stomach fell at the thought of him, and I swore I could taste the simple sweetness of his lips. "Where are you, Thomas?" I asked myself, waiting for a response that wouldn't come.
It's going to be alright, I reassured myself. He's gotta be here somewhere.
The day dragged on, humid but gray. Although it had stopped raining, the sky was still obscured by clouds as far as the eye could see, a dull, blank canvas. You wanted to paint the canvas, add a splash of color or opportunity, but you couldn't find the motivation nor the creativity.
I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I wanted to be angry at him, but the triumphant thought in my head was just that of hugging him. It played over and over again like a broken record of an annoying song that was good the first couple of times but now just annoying. Did I even want to find him?
Yes.
The single word was sharp and clear and immediate.
Now that I had had him, I couldn't picture a world without Thomas.
But did he feel the same way? He lied to me. He kept things from me. And when I was finally trying to help him because I understood, he ran away.
And the worst part of it all was that I couldn't—didn't— blame him.
I slid my hand to my eyes and wiped away the tears blurring my vision. I took a couple of deep breaths until the frustration fell away and was replaced by a gritty determination. But most importantly, I kept looking.
The morning coolness had disappeared by the time I first heard the whistle. It was soft and distant, and I hadn't noticed it at first. But when I realized what type of song was flittering down from the trees, my heart leapt up to my mouth.
It was a bird.
A bird.
I closed my eyes, tracking the noise, and I found a tiny blip of energy far off in a tall oak tree a couple hundred yards away. I felt like laughing when I pushed beyond that and found a whole swarm of them, different sizes and shapes. And then I found bees and butterflies and bats and all other sorts of creatures.
They all meant Thomas.
I broke into a sprint, following the birds and grinning the entire way. The sooner I got to him, the better.
The birdsong became louder, a symphony reaching its crescendo. It was joined by the gurgling of a river.
Finally, I stopped in my tracks.
I heard him.
Divinity, I heard him.
His humming was barely audible above the river and the birds, but for me, it was crystal clear. It was so sweet, so perfect.
I shouldered my way through the bushes and stopped dead in my tracks as the sight of the scene before me sunk in. There were hundreds of birds sitting on the branches of the trees above. A river cut through the forest standing in front of me. But most important, Thomas was in the river. His bare back was facing me, his fingers in his hair. His radiant wings were once again feathered and angelic, even though they were tainted a light shade of gray rather than the pristine white.
Heat rushed into my face as I pulled away and dove behind the bushes.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Sorry, I meant Divinity's fucking children.
"Who's there?" he demanded. My heart did flips at the sound of his voice. "Show yourself."
I didn't move or say anything until there was a sudden tug on my shoulder. My head shot up to see Belletra standing there. She tilted her head at me questioningly. A chirp escaped her beak before she took to the sky.
Huh. It was good to see her.
"Who's there?" repeated Thomas. "You've got te—"
"Thomas, it's me," I said.
"Alexander." Did I imagine the relief, the utter joy that filled the mention of my name? But as he continued, his voice became still, flat. "Alexander. What are you doing here?"
"I came to find you."
"Where are you?"
"Huh? Oh. I'm behind this bush."
"Wh-why?"
"Oh. I don't know."
"Well, do you want to come out?"
"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess I'll do that." I rose to my feet and slid out from behind the bush. "Hey. How are you?"
He was leaning against the river bank, his arms sitting on the grass. "I'm good." A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "How are you?"
"What are you doing? Are you wearing anything?" The two questions slipped out of my mouth. I really, really hoped that my face wasn't as red as it was warm.
Thomas's mouth fully flickered into a smile, and a laugh fell from his lips. I couldn't believe the effects that had on me. "Yes, Alexander. I am bathing in my clothes." He rested his head on his arms. "How did you find me?"
"Oh, well. I looked."
"What do you mean, you looked?"
I shook my head. "Not important." I stepped over to where he was and sat down by the river, staring down at the grass.
"Nobody else is here, are they?"
I shook my head. What I needed to say loomed ahead like a mountain. An insuperable mountain that couldn't be crossed. I stared at the ground, forcing my breathing to remain steady.
"I'm not going back. If that's why you're here." I finally looked at him; his gaze pierced mine, but there was something behind it. Something a little like doubt. Even that little hole in his confidence gave me hope. "I'm not going back if it means I'll be trapped and kept in that room for the rest of my life."
"Thomas, I'm here to bring you home. I won't stop until I do."
"Well, you're just going to have to be disappointed. I'm not going back."
"I won't let them lock you up, Thomas."
"Yeah, because you did such a wonderful job of that last time."
His words stung, but I pressed on. I had come way too far to give up now. I reached out to grab his hand, and I saw him visibly soften.
"Look, Alex," he said slowly. "I want to be with you. We don't have to go back, you know. It can just be you and me—"
I froze, my heart skipping a beat. This wasn't any different from what the siren had said. "No. We're going back." How could I know this was him? But there was the way he regarded me, the warmth of his skin, and the certain way he had been humming. How could any of those things be fabricated?
This was Thomas. My Thomas.
"I can't," he said simply, as though he was holding something back. He pushed away from me. "I can't go back."
"Please?"
He was silent for a moment. "You waited in the library for me every night."
"Yeah. How did you—?"
"I was there. That sounds creepy, I know. It probably is really creepy. But I came every night when you were sleeping. Just to see you."
"Why didn't you just come back then?"
"Because I... I don't know, okay? I have no idea how I'm feeling. I'm angry, I'm upset, I miss you? It doesn't make sense and I'm sorry," he said. His shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry."
"Come home with me."
"I want to."
"Then do it. I miss you too, Thomas. I do want you back, if that's what you're worried about."
His gaze hardened, his temporary moment of weakness fading away. "I'm not going to be held prisoner in the place I considered my home, by people I considered my friends."
I inched closer to him until I was sitting right on the edge of the bank, my hand gripping tighter around his. "Thomas, please," I begged, the words cutting sharply through the humid air. His eyes widened, but I pushed on. "I really miss you. I want you to come home in the worst way. I'm nothing without you. Every moment you're apart from me is a moment I can't stand."
I wanted to say more, to pour the countless emotions and thoughts and feelings swirling through my head whenever I saw him into words, but no amount of speaking could possibly explain them. I caved in, two hot streams of water rolling down my face without warning. I closed my eyes and swallowed, hating myself for the weakness I couldn't keep down.
I felt a hand brush against my cheek, wiping the tears away. I leaned into his hand, unable to speak.
"It's alright Alex," he murmured. "It's going to be alright."
I nodded miserably. "You're dripping water all over me."
"Fine. I won't show you affection ever again." But he didn't draw his hand away. The droplets of water racing down his arm from the river caught the sunlight.
Sunlight?
I looked up, and sure enough, the gray sea of clouds had parted, allowing a hole for the sun to poke through.
I leaned down and slid my lips up to his. He rose up out of the water to wrap his arms around the back of my neck.
"I really care about you," I whispered. "Please don't ever leave me again like that."
"Would you mind going back behind the bush? I'm going to get dressed." He said without a single hint of the embarrassment I felt as I remembered that he was, in fact, not wearing anything.
"Yeah." I stood up and returned to the bush, facing away from him.
"I'm glad you found me, actually. I was planning to, uh, invade the castle and try to kill Geor—the king."
"And how would that have worked out for you?" I teased.
"Probably not well. Alright, I'm decent. You can come out now."
I rose and watched him for a moment as he pulled on his coat, his body dry. He stopped, his hands falling behind his back, and he offered me an attempt for a smile. "Thank you. For coming to find me, I mean."
I walked up to him and took his face in my hands, angling it downwards so I could kiss him.
"I didn't want to leave you," he whispered.
"Don't worry, Thomas. I won't let you. You're gonna have to kill me if you wanna get rid of me." I paused. "Is there anything you want to tell me now that we're alone?"
Thomas closed his eyes and folded his wings. The hesitation was written plain on his face. "I wanted to tell you Alexander. I really did. I didn't want to fight it alone and I wanted your help. But I was selfish. I know how you feel about Tenebrie, and I didn't want you to feel that way about me." His voice was held too steady. Too perfectly.
Thomas was far from perfect.
"It's okay," I murmured, kissing him again. "Like I said, I'm not going anywhere."