"Even if I leave you now, and it breaks my heart
Even if I'm not around, I won't give in, I won't give up on this love.."
The Veronicas
When Brad had arrived at the house the evening Louis left, Harry had forgotten he was even coming. Looking back, he could cringe at the state he was in when Brad arrived – curled up between Liam and Niall on the couch, working his way through his second box of tissues, with red puffy eyes and a running nose – it wasn't a good look.
When he'd broken down and told Brad everything that had happened with Louis, Brad had looked confused.
"I don't get it" he'd stated.
"What?" Harry asked.
"Well, you love him, yeah?"
"I do" Harry nodded. "So much."
"Well, what are you doing here then?" Brad had asked.
"What do you mean? I asked him to stay and he wouldn't, and I can't just up and leave my job – it's not something I can do just anywhere. I need to be here, you know that." Harry replied.
Brad shrugged. "All I know is that if I had to choose between Erica and a job, it would be a no brainer for me, mate. A job is, well, it's just a job. I'd clean toilets if it was the only option for being with her."
"That's easy to say when you didn't have to make the choice, though, isn't it. And I'm calling bullshit on the toilet cleaning" Harry replied with a raised eyebrow, making Brad chuckle. "My job isn't just a job to me, Brad. It's my whole career, it's what I've worked for, I love it and I don't want to do anything else. I can't do this back home, it has to be here. I was kind of hoping Lou would move here – he can teach anywhere, you know? I want to be with him, but I can't just give up everything to do it. It wouldn't work."
"Well Louis staying here would have been ideal, yeah. But he didn't, so the way I see it, you have two choices – accept that decision and move on, or decide that he's worth giving everything up for. Obviously, the decision has to be one you can live with, so you need to be sure."
"But I don't like either of those options" Harry had whined. "It's such a difficult choice!"
"If it's a difficult choice, then there's your answer – it should be an easy one, mate" Brad had told him. "The leaving here may be hard, yeah – but the decision to go should be easy." When he'd left, he'd hugged Harry tightly. "I hope you work it out buddy. I hate seeing you so miserable."
***
In bed that night, Harry had tossed and turned, Brad's words echoing in his mind and not letting him rest. It wasn't as simple as Brad had made it out to be. It was all well and good to say the decision should be easy – in theory that may be right, but in reality, it was oversimplifying things. It was more complicated than that.
Harry loved his job. He didn't want to leave it. That was something he was sure of.
Or, at least he'd been sure about it before Louis left. Now he wasn't sure of anything, only that everything felt wrong without Louis here. The bed was too big, too cold and too empty – a fitting metaphor for how his life suddenly felt. He was struggling to imagine going back to the way things were before Louis exploded into his life. In such a short time, Louis had burrowed under his skin and somehow made himself essential to Harry's happiness. Now he was gone for less than twenty four hours, and Harry was floundering to regain any sense of normality. Instead, it felt like his world had ended.
He even tried to imagine the kind of jobs he could do if he moved back home to England to be with Louis and found that he couldn't really imagine himself doing anything other than what he was doing now and being happy with it.
The problem was, he was unhappy without Louis too.
It was early days though, he told himself. And maybe it was too soon to tell if he could move on or not. He decided that maybe he should give himself some time to get used to being without Louis before making major decisions about his future.
He kept going round and round in circles in his mind until he was too frustrated to stay in bed, and pulled out his laptop. Louis would still be on the plane, and Harry wondered if he was feeling the same emptiness that he was feeling – if he was missing Harry as much as Harry missed him already.
He pulled up his photo gallery, a small smile materialising as he scrolled through photos of the two of them, as well as the many he had snapped of just Louis. He ran his fingers over Louis' features, at the smiling eyes and the face that had become so dear to him. As he pulled up one of his particular favourites, one of Louis and Lux, making a funny face at the camera, he felt his wounded heart give a painful stutter. God he loved this man, loved him with everything he had, with every fibre of his being.
He just wasn't sure he could give up the career he loved to be with him. Could he?
He made himself a tea and showered, still no closer to the answer. He decided to put it in the "too hard" basket for now and got dressed for work.
After breakfast, which he neglected to eat, Niall drove them to work and Harry stared out the window, lost in his own thoughts. Niall was side-eyeing him warily, but refrained from asking him if he was alright – he knew he wasn't. It was going to take some time, so he let his friend be.
After walking Harry to the office, Niall gave him a tight hug before he proceeded to the feed rooms. "It'll work out Harry" he said softly. "Chin up, yeah?"
Harry nodded sadly and headed into the office to get ready for his day. Ian was there, and greeted Harry with a sympathetic smile. Harry had sent him a text the night before, confirming he'd made it to the airport in time and Ian had offered for him to take today off, but he'd decided it would be better to be at work and try to take his mind off things.
"How are you Harry?" Ian asked.
Harry shrugged. "Not sure really. I'm a bit numb right now, I guess. I miss him already though."
Ian nodded. "That's understandable Harry, give it time and things will ease, I'm sure."
Harry murmured a non-committal response and proceeded into the change room to get ready for the day. Ian watched him go, sighing at how pale and drawn he looked.
When Harry had changed into his wetsuit, he headed down to Candy's pool and couldn't resist a small smile when she sped over to swim alongside him as he walked along the boardwalk.
"Hey girl" he said as he kicked off his thongs and lay down on the deck, head resting on his hands as he leaned his forehead out over the water. Candy swam up, almost bumping him on the nose and squeaking at him.
Harry sighed. "I miss him Candy" he told her. "I miss him so much it hurts." He flicked his fingers back and forth lazily through the water as he spoke.
Almost as if she could sense his sadness, she let out a low whistling sound, before laying back and presenting her tummy to him. He smiled softly and stroked her underside lightly back and forth.
"You'd never leave me, would you girl?" he asked stroking her and then lifting his hand as she spun upright again.
When he lay there getting lost in his own head again, Candy swam away, returning a moment later to splash him with her fin as she sped past.
Harry squealed and chuckled, standing up slowly, pushing a hand through his now saturated curls.
"Alright, alright, you have my undivided attention now! Let's get you some fish you demanding drama queen!"
He made a concerted effort then to put Louis out of his mind and focus on his work. It wasn't until the day was over and he was packing up to head home that he checked his phone, his pulse leaping as he saw he had a message from Louis. He quickly opened it to find a text, telling Harry he'd skype him in an hour.
As much as he knew it would hurt to see Louis, he couldn't wait and was already counting the minutes till he did.
***
Louis disembarked the plane feeling completely wrung out and weary. While Zayn had managed to sleep soundly for a good deal of the trip, he'd been unable to relax, twitchy and out of sorts. His mind kept returning to Harry, which wasn't surprising. He missed him already – and not like a wish-you-were-here type thing, but like an actual missing limb that had been lopped off. He definitely felt like he was suffering from phantom limb syndrome – he kept looking over, expecting Harry to be right beside him and then realised he wasn't. It was obviously going to take some time to get used to the idea of him and Harry just being friends and living on opposite sides of the world. Right now, that felt like a herculean task, one he wasn't sure he was up to.
They made their way through customs and when they emerged from the gate, all other thoughts were set aside as he was wrenched into a group hug by his family. He felt the tears well up instantly, suddenly confronted with just how much he had missed them. His sisters were all laughing and hugging him, and Daisy promptly burst into tears, overcome with emotion.
Louis hugged her tightly. "Oh princess, please don't cry – you'll make me bawl too if you start that!" he teased.
"I just missed you so much Louis" she sniffled. "Please don't go away for so long again!"
Louis felt something twist in his chest at her words. This was the reason he couldn't move to Australia – this was why he had made the decision he'd made.
"I promise I won't sweetheart" he told her, wiping her tears and smiling at her. "Now help me out to the car, because I am dying for a cup of tea!"
***
The morning was spent in a loud, messy chaotic whirlwind, the kind Louis normally loved, and while he was happy to be surrounded by his family once more, there was an underlying sadness that tainted even the most happy moments and he found himself needing to escape to the solitude of his room, to just catch his breath after breakfast.
Jay knocked on Louis' door later in the morning, entering and finding him sitting on the bed, his phone out as he shot off a text to Harry to let him know he'd arrived home that morning and that he'd Skype in an hour – which was evening over in Australia.
He looked up and smiled, albeit not very convincingly, as Jay sat down on the bed beside him. "Everything alright Louis?" she asked. "You've seemed a little off all morning."
"Yeah of course" he replied with another wan smile. "I'm just so tired from the flight. Bit of jet lag, I guess." Or a broken heart that I may never recover from, he added mentally.
Jay looked at him, assessing his words, before nodding. It was obvious she wasn't buying it, but she let it go. "Ok, well, I know you won't feel like it, but can I have your dirty clothes? I'll get them washed and you can unpack your things.
"Yeah, sure" he answered. "I'll do it now."
Jay left and he sat on his bed listlessly for a minute, staring into space. He felt strangely disjointed – like he wasn't himself, and then he realised he wasn't – not the old self anyway. The past three months had changed him in so many ways. Harry had left an indelible mark on him.
He had been thrilled to see his family again, of course, and hearing about everything he'd missed in their lives while he'd been away. Daisy in particular, had shadowed him for about an hour, not letting him out of her sight, and he had made sure to give her plenty of hugs. She seemed to have suffered the most by his absence, so he made a mental note to spend some quality time with her over the coming weeks.
But, although he didn't want to admit it to himself, something had shifted. All of a sudden, his home didn't feel like home as much as it used to and that left him reeling, because no matter what – this had always been his sanctuary, his soft place to fall.
He told himself that what he was feeling was probably to be expected after spending three months in another country and then having to leave Harry behind. It would dissipate with time, he was sure. He just needed to get used to the idea of he and Harry not being together anymore. But at least he still got to have Harry in his life – it would simply take some adjusting to the new nature of their relationship.
He opened his suitcase to dig out his dirty clothes and the parcel Sophia had handed him at the airport tumbled out. He'd completely forgotten about it and he wondered what it could be. When he unwrapped it, he found a small scrapbook style photo album inside. He stared down at it for a long moment and when he slowly flipped open the cover, he couldn't help but smile.
On the very first page was a group selfie, taken on one of their trips to the beach. It was all five boys together and they were smiling goofily at the camera. Louis remembered the day it was taken, how happy he'd been. As he flipped through the following pages, there were so many memories that had been captured there, making him chuckle. There were photos of Louis with each of them – he and Niall drunk at the club, he and Liam playing beer pong, a selfie of he and Sophia at Movie World and a photo of Zayn and him at Sea World. The photo of he and Harry was the last one, and it made his stomach give a little flutter as his eyes moved over it, taking it in.
Louis was smiling at the camera, eyes crinkling at the corners as he laughed. Harry was beside him, arm around his shoulders and grinning down at him, looking at him with such fondness, such love, that it caused a warmth to spread out from his chest to his extremities and a sharp pain inside his ribcage.
He quickly turned the page again, blinking away the tears that had threatened, to discover a pictorial diary of his time in Australia. Sophia had gone to so much trouble, filling the pages with photos of all the times they'd spent together. Around the edges of these photos, Niall, Liam, Sophia and Harry had hand written little inside jokes, comments and teasing remarks, making him both giggle and bite his lip to hold back the now imminent torrent of tears building up in his eyes.
The very last page was a collection of photos of just he and Harry and it hit him the hardest. He slowly ran his fingers over each one, his heart in his throat, before reading Harry's hand written notes next to each photo. At the bottom of the page was a final scrawled note.
Lou,
You came into my life so unexpectedly – and what a beautiful surprise!
You have given me so much joy and your presence in my life has been nothing short of a gift.
I will never forget the time we spent together and I will always love you.
Your Best Friend,
Harry <3
Nothing could hold back the tears then, as he read Harry's words, so he let them come – welcomed them even, because they made him feel connected to Harry, even if it was only through grief. When the tears finally dried, he sat staring at the pictures that documented his time with Harry and allowed himself to miss him, to mourn for him for just a few more moments, before closing the book and wiping his eyes.
He took a deep breath, pulling himself together and putting the album in his bedside drawer for another time. He unpacked his bag and put his dirty clothes in the hamper. When he pulled out the hoodie of Harry's that he'd kept, he immediately slipped it on and took comfort in the smell and feel of it, and in the way it made Harry feel closer somehow. He lay on his bed and listlessly watched the minutes tick by. He only had twenty minutes till his Skype call with Harry now, and the anticipation was thrumming through him. He needed to see Harry, to speak with him, like he needed oxygen, even if it hurt to see him. Each minute took an age, but eventually it was time and he opened his laptop on the desk and logged in to call him.
***
Harry picked up after only a moment, already grinning at Louis with a crooked, goofy smile. His eyes were instantly drawn to the hoody Louis was wearing and he smiled even wider.
"Hi" he breathed, and Louis felt like his lungs were collapsing as he struggled to breathe.
"Hi" he squeaked out, his heart in his throat.
After simply taking a moment to grin at each other stupidly, Harry broke the silence to ask how he was and they launched into a discussion about Louis' trip, how his family was and the fact that Zayn was able to sleep for over half the trip, while Louis didn't sleep for the entire flight.
"I swear Haz, I wanted to punch him every time he snored!" he whined.
Harry filled Louis in on his day at work and told him that Niall had cried a little after he and Zayn had left. "But that's supposed to be a secret" Harry added with a grin.
They chatted for over an hour, neither mentioning, even once, how much they were suffering, how hard it had been. They studiously ignored the elephant in the room, determined not to upset the other, and while it was painful, everything felt right for the first time since Louis had left Australia – despite the dull ache in his chest. Louis didn't want to make it awkward, didn't want to distress Harry with the tears that were waiting just below the surface, threatening to fall out at any given moment. So he sucked it up and kept his smile firmly in place.
Later, as they said their goodbyes, Harry hesitated.
"Lou?" he asked. "I know we're... just... I love you, you know? And I still want to be able to say it."
Louis felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed audibly. "I love you too Haz" he said, reaching out and gently running his fingers down the screen. "I know it's going to be hard for a while, but it will get easier with time, I promise. We just have to get through this tough part and we'll be OK. I miss you so much – but as long as I still have you in my life, it'll be fine." He smiled at Harry with a certainty he definitely didn't feel, determined not to break down.
Harry's smile was equally forced. "Yeah, of course, same here. Will we speak tomorrow?"
Louis' smile was more genuine as he replied "I'd love that."
They hung up and as Harry's face disappeared from the screen, Louis' heart started pounding as he felt an overwhelming urge to call him back and tell him he lied. To tell him that he didn't want to be just friends – that he wanted to wake up beside him every day, his curls tickling Louis' nose and his freakishly warm body wrapped around him. He wanted to cry and scream and rail at the gods, and he wanted to beg Harry to come to the UK and just be with him. But he knew that would be selfish. It wouldn't help them get past the pain if he made it harder than it already was.
So instead, he took a deep breath, blinking back the tears and headed back downstairs to join his family.
***
Harry hung up and exhaled loudly as he was overcome with emotion, his eyes immediately welling up. The high of seeing Louis and speaking to him faded away and left an intense sorrow in its wake and he put his face in his hands as he quietly wept. It had taken every bit of resolve he had to hold it together for the duration of the call, but now he let go.
He didn't hear the door to his bedroom open, only felt the hand squeezing his shoulder and looked up at Liam, who was looking back at him, eyes filled with pity. Without a word, he knelt down and took Harry in his arms, and Harry fell against him, sagging into his arms and weeping miserably.
Liam held him until he'd cried himself out, then sat on the bed. "So I don't need to ask how you're coping" he said quietly. "Was that Louis then?"
Harry nodded. "It hurt so much to see him and yet I already want to call back because I miss him. Fuck Liam, this is so hard!"
"It was never going to be easy Harry, this is a horrible situation" Liam replied sadly. "I'm so sorry for both of you. I know how much you care about each other."
"I love him so much Li" Harry sniffled, wiping his eyes. "I've even been thinking about just chucking it all in and following him home, you know, but I just don't think I could be happy doing something I don't love the way I love my job here. So I didn't say anything to him, because I don't want to get his hopes up and then let him down if I just can't do it. He's so determined that we'll get over this that I don't want to stand in the way of that."
Liam nodded. "I think that's wise – it'd be cruel to tell him you were thinking about it and then decide not to go. It'd be like losing you all over again. Take some time to really decide what you want and make sure it's the right decision."
Niall wandered into the room then, sitting down next to Liam on the bed and giving Harry a small smile. "You're not looking too good there Haz" he told him softly. "How about we get out of here and grab some burgers at the pub for dinner?"
It was the last thing Harry felt like to be honest, but he nodded anyway, hoping it would distract him from his misery.
***
The kitchen was a hub of activity as Louis entered, his mother preparing a welcome home lunch, assisted by the girls. He sat at the bench as his mum poured him a cup of tea, and just let their chatter flow over him as he watched them all interact, with everyone talking at once. He felt like an outsider looking in, not really sure where he fit anymore. Once upon a time he would've been in the thick of things, now he sat on the periphery.
It was only a moment before Daisy was sidling up beside him and climbing into his lap.
"Hello sweetheart" he murmured, squeezing her tight.
She reached up, sliding a hand into his hair and twirling it around her finger. "Lou?" she asked quietly. "Are you going to go swimming again now you're all better?" She was nervously chewing her lip and Louis realised she was searching for confirmation that he was indeed recovered. He gave her his biggest smile.
"Yes I am, I promise. Actually, I was thinking it might be fun if we made a visit to the indoor pool and had a swim together."
Her face cleared and she grinned at him. "That would be so awesome Lou!" she cried happily. "I'll go see if I can find my goggles!" She jumped down from his lap and tore off up the stairs.
Louis turned to his mother, who was watching with a smile. "So that's why she was hanging off me?" he asked. "Because she was worried I wasn't better?"
Jay grimaced. "I think she's been blaming herself and it's weighed on her. When she sees you in the water, she'll be relieved, I think."
"Poor chicken" he replied, feeling guilty. "I hate that she's been so worried about me."
Jay reached out and stroked a thumb over his cheek. "She's not the only one, you know? We've all been worried about you. It's good to have you back baby."
He smiled, but he was both happy and yet inexplicably sad at his mother's words. "Thanks mum. It's good to be home" he told her, but there was a part of him that didn't feel happy to be home, and it made him guilty to think that a traitorous part of him wanted to be back in Australia with Harry.
***
Harry sat at the pub, the music and laughter bustling around him unnoticed as he picked at his food. He wasn't hungry – his stomach was churning and he didn't think he could eat even if he wanted to, but he tried to at least look like he was eating by shuffling it around on his plate.
The boys tried to engage him in conversation, but he could hardly muster a response and in the end they gave up, speaking to each other and leaving him alone with his thoughts, while shooting him concerned glances.
When they got home, he excused himself and went straight to bed, sleeping fitfully as he dreamed of the loud, brash boy with blue eyes and soft lips. He woke several times in the night, sweating and writhing in his sheets as he imagined Louis there with him, his mouth working its way down his skin, only to find himself alone.
When he woke the next morning, he hopped into the shower, slumping against the tiles, exhausted from lack of sleep and completely drained. It had only been two days since Louis had gone and it felt like an eternity already. He let the hot water run over his tired eyes and prepared to face the day, wondering if it would ever stop hurting like this.
When he arrived at work, he smiled for the first time as he checked the day's schedule and saw that Lux was in for a session that day. Spending time with Lux always made him happy. He went out to the pool to get set up for her arrival at ten o'clock.
When she called out his name a little while later, running up the boardwalk and jumping into his waiting arms, he laughed for the first time, twirling her around in the air.
"How's my favourite girl?" he asked.
"M'good Harry!" she replied excitedly. "You said I could ride Candy today!"
Harry nodded. "I did! We're going to ride her together, ok?"
She squealed with excitement and bounced in his arms, wriggling till he let her down. She ran back to her mum to get changed and returned with a pink plastic toy camera.
"What's this for?" Harry asked, amused. "Do you want me to take some photos?"
Lux nodded. "Louis promised he'd be here to watch, but he had to go home, so I want to send him some photos of me riding Candy!"
Harry wasn't prepared for the casual mention of Louis' name and he felt like he'd been winded. He couldn't speak for a moment and felt the familiar lump in his throat rising.
Oh God, he thought. I'm going to cry.
He rapidly blinked the tears away, hauling in a laboured breath as he pasted on a smile for Lux.
"I tell you what" he told her in a shaky voice. "Why don't I grab my phone and we'll get your mum to take some video – then I can send them to Louis straight away, alright?"
"Oh yes please!" Lux replied, racing over to her mum to make the request while Harry went and retrieved his phone from the office, trying to compose himself.
***
Louis was sitting on the couch late that afternoon, half-heartedly giving his attention to a repeat of an old Survivor episode, when Lottie flopped down beside him.
"How goes it big brother?" she asked.
"Good love" he replied with a smile. "And how about you?"
"I'm alright I guess – better than you at any rate" she answered, and Louis looked at her with a frown.
"What do you..." he started to ask, before she interrupted, rolling her eyes.
"Please don't insult me by pretending that you aren't completely pining for whoever you left back in Australia – my money is on the hot therapist guy, Harry by the way – I can smell the sad on you from a mile away. So what gives? Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Not much to talk about" Louis replied, looking down at his hands. "He's there and I'm here and that's all there is to it, really."
She reached across and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry Lou – that sucks."
"It does, yeah" he huffed out a humourless laugh, as he squeezed her hand back. "But I'll get over it."
Even as he uttered the words, there was a part of him that felt like he may be lying, that he may never, ever get over Harry. Lottie still looked worried, so he smiled. "Either that or I'll become a crazy old hermit who has ten cats, who knows?"
Lottie laughed, and sensing Louis wanted to drop the subject, she asked him when he was going to see his therapist, Anna, again.
"Next week" he replied. "Thought I'd take a week to recover from jet lag and settle back into things here and then go and see her. I'm going back to work the week after that, and I'm really looking forward to seeing my students again."
Just then, Stan and Zayn walked through the front door, calling out as they walked up the hallway.
"In here!" Louis called out.
"Alright Lou?" Stan greeted him.
"Yeah mate" Louis replied. "What are you two up to?"
"Just heading down the pub" Zayn answered. "Thought you might like to come with?"
"Nah" Louis replied. "Think I'll stay in – still a bit tired, so I'll get an early night in tonight."
Zayn and Stan shared a glance before Zayn asked "You sure mate? Could be good – there's a band at the Crown this afternoon."
"No, I'm not really in the mood Z – but you two have fun yeah?" he told them.
Zayn sighed. "Alright, we'll catch up tomorrow then."
"Yeah, yeah" Louis replied. "That'd be good."
When the boys had left, Lottie turned to him with an eyebrow raised. "What was that you were saying about becoming a hermit?"
"Ha, Ha, very funny!" he drawled as his phone buzzed. He pulled it out and his heart leapt as he saw he had a text from Harry. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face and Lottie immediately called him on it.
"He just messaged you, didn't he?" she teased. "I can tell by the look on your face!"
He didn't answer, too busy opening the message, which contained a video. As he pressed play, he instantly recognised Lux, standing looking into the camera on Harry's phone.
"Hi Louis!" Lux waved, smiling widely. "You said you'd be here when I rode Candy, but since you had to go home, Harry said we could video it and send this to you so you can see me!"
"Ooh, she's adorable!" cooed Lottie, watching over his shoulder.
He could hear Harry's voice as he passed the camera to someone – presumably Lou – and then he moved into the screen and waved at the camera, dimples on full display and eyes shining.
"Hi Lou" he grinned.
"Bloody hell, he's gorgeous" Lottie sighed. "I've been stalking your Facebook pictures by the way, because he's hot!"
"Eww, Lottie!" he replied. "That's my boyfr-" He stopped, realising that it wasn't his boyfriend anymore. "That's my friend" he corrected himself. "Besides, he's gay, so you have no chance."
"Doesn't mean I don't like to look!" Lottie replied, ignoring Louis' slip up.
"Stop talking now!" Louis commanded, before turning his attention back to the screen, where Harry and Lux were now climbing into the water and Harry was calling Candy over to them.
As they watched, Harry positioned himself and Lux onto Candy's fin and then they were off and Louis couldn't help but giggle at Lux's little squeal of joy and the grin on both of their faces.
"I can't believe you got to do this as well" Lottie whined. "I'm so jealous Lou!"
"Yeah" he replied, eyes never leaving the screen. "It was something else, that's for sure."
When they'd finished and climbed out of the pool, the video ended with Harry and Lux coming close up to the screen and blowing Louis a kiss.
"Bye Louis!" they called out, and Louis thought he could probably hear his heart breaking down the middle if he listened closely enough.
He recorded a video message for Lux, telling her how proud he was of her and telling her to keep up the good work, and then sent it back to Harry to show her.
And if, in the privacy of his room, he watched the video Harry had sent him a few more times, a few tears tracking down his cheeks, well it really was nobody's business.
***
"So what are you doing today?" Harry asked him a few days later on Skype.
"I'm going swimming, actually" Louis chuckled.
Harry grinned. "You are? Well good for you! I'm proud of you Lou."
Louis told Harry about Daisy and why he felt he needed her to see him swim and then they chatted about anything and everything, updating each other on their lives. They talked and talked and the time flew by so quickly. The next thing they knew, they realised they had been talking for an hour and a half.
"Oops!" Harry laughed. "Guess I'd better let you go then" he added his smile faltering.
"Yeah, I have to get ready, so I should get going" Louis replied reluctantly. This was always the part he hated, the part that cut him up – saying goodbye. He decided it was like ripping off a band aid – best done quickly, and so he made his excuses and said his goodbyes.
As they were about to hang up, Harry again told him he loved him, just as he'd done on every call so far, and Louis was barely holding it together as he replied that he loved him too. It was both wonderful and dreadful – and it got harder every time.
When they'd hung up, he put his head in his hands for a moment, breathing deeply as he tried to compose himself. When he knew he had himself under control, he went to find Phoebe and Daisy, telling them to be ready to go to the pool in ten minutes. Jay was also coming and Louis suspected Daisy wasn't the only one that wanted confirmation that he was OK.
***
As he slipped off his t-shirt at the pool and followed Daisy and Phoebe over to the water's edge, he was surprised at how strange it felt to be getting in the water without Harry beside him. He'd come to associate swimming and water with Harry and he felt a slight quiver of unease at having to face the water on his own, but he was determined for Daisy to see him confident and strong, so he ruthlessly stamped down any nervousness and ran past her, yelling as he jumped into the water, making both girls giggle.
Just before impact, he braced himself, preparing for the slight feeling of panic, and as he plunged under the water, he calmed himself in the same way he always did, by picturing Harry beside him, waiting for him to hold out his hands, which he did by habit, even though Harry wasn't there to grasp them. He kicked his feet and broke the surface of the water, gasping but fine.
Daisy and Phoebe were cheering and Louis looked over to see his mother sneakily wiping a tear from her eye as she watched from a nearby seat. He hadn't realised how many people had been affected by the accident and by his trauma and he was happy he could give them some peace of mind now. His first thought was to share this moment with Harry, but it would have to wait for the following day.
***
As the bitter cold set in over the next few weeks as Christmas approached, Louis felt like it also took up residence inside him. He tried hard to settle back into a routine at home, and while his life outwardly appeared to be exactly the same – it wasn't. He was different. He was irrevocably changed – and at times he felt completely disconnected from what was happening around him, going through the motions on autopilot. His heart was heavy, weighed down by missing Harry, the grief almost overwhelming him at times.
He was doing all the things he used to do – he had returned to his classes and was welcomed back by his students, he spent time with the girls, he went to the pub with his mates, although that had become less and less frequent as he withdrew into himself.
But no matter how he filled his days, they still felt empty. The only time he felt whole was the time he spent talking to Harry on Skype, or messaging back and forth. It was the highlight of his day, if he was honest, and if there was a little cloud of melancholy that descended at the end of each call, well that was a small price to pay.
He had found himself daydreaming about packing up and surprising Harry, telling him he'd move to Australia and be with him, and the words sat precariously on the tip of his tongue every time they skyped, just waiting to spill out. But he stubbornly held them in, knowing he couldn't go through with it.
One of the main things that stopped him was watching how much Daisy had responded to his return, how much happier she had been, and he knew he needed to be here with his family. She'd been so upset when he returned and he just couldn't do that to her. He also knew he'd miss them all terribly if he moved.
So he suffered in silence, smiling through the pain whenever he and Harry spoke, telling himself that speaking to Harry every day was enough to sustain him. But somewhere in the darkest recesses of his heart, he knew that was a lie. It would never be enough.
***
Harry sat at his desk, the air conditioning blasting as he hid in his office to escape the heat and humidity outside. He was staring into space, ignoring his morning tea as he got lost in his own thoughts.
It had been several weeks, and he still hadn't managed to settle back into his old life, his old routine. He could barely remember what his life was like before Louis, everything having changed so much. Louis may only have been there for three months, but it felt like it was so much longer. He had permeated every single part of Harry's life and made a home for himself, and the evidence of that still lingered. Everything seemed to echo with the ghost of Louis' presence.
No matter how much they spoke, it was never enough for Harry and after each Skype call he felt a mixture of intense joy and blinding pain.
Ian strode into the office and over to Harry's desk, gesturing to the seat and asking if Harry would mind if he sat down. Harry shook his head.
"Please, sit" he told Ian, flicking him a small smile.
Ian sat and eyed him curiously for a minute, as if he was debating whether or not to say what he had on his mind. In the end, he must have decided to speak and he let out a sigh.
"Harry, you're one of the brightest young men I've had the pleasure to work with. You have earned both my respect and admiration for the contributions you have made here, and I think of you as the son I never had. So obviously, I hate to see you unhappy – and that's what you have been, my friend. Desperately unhappy."
Harry felt his throat tighten at Ian's words and he simply nodded in agreement, not trusting himself to speak.
"So I guess my question is this – if you are so unhappy without Louis, then why are you continuing to torture yourself like this?"
"Because I love this job Ian!" Harry replied. "You know how much I love what we do here, and I don't want to give it up. That's the problem."
Ian nodded. "Look Harry, I understand – I do. I don't think I could give up this job for anyone else, but then I don't know if I've ever felt for someone what you felt for Louis. Perhaps you could look into working at the London Zoo – they have seals and dolphins in residence. I don't know what other parks are in the UK, but maybe it's time to start investigating. I'd hate to lose you, Harry, but I want you to be happy."
"Thank you Ian" Harry answered, his mind already toying with the possibilities. "I will certainly give it some thought."
"Let me know if I can help in any way, OK?" Ian replied softly.
Harry nodded, already pulling out his laptop to google animal parks and aquariums in the UK.
***
"I'm telling you Z, he's in a bad way" Niall and Zayn were talking on the phone early that afternoon because Zayn had been unable to sleep and had called him while he was at work. That chatted about their plans for January, when Zayn would be moving. He had wanted to stay at home for Christmas with his family before he relocated. The subject of Harry and Louis had then come up and they'd been discussing how unhappy both boys were without each other.
"Lou's no better" Zayn replied. "He's withdrawn and just so sad all the time! It's fucking depressing to watch. You think all that misery would make you realise you needed to be together, you know? They won't be happy until they're together for good, but I don't know if Louis will change his mind – he's so stubbornly convinced that the girls need him here and that he couldn't leave."
"I know" Niall agreed. "And Harry keeps saying he wouldn't be happy doing any other job – but he's miserable anyway, so what's the difference? I want to facepalm both of them and shake them till they see sense! It's so frustrating!"
"Well, not everyone can communicate as awesomely as we did" Zayn grinned. "And those two can be a bit thick sometimes."
Niall chuckled. "Agreed. Hey – what about if we gave them a little nudge in the right direction?"
"What do you mean?" Zayn asked.
"Well, they're always sprouting off about how they aren't together anymore, but for all intents and purposes, they really are. They don't see other people and they still talk every day. How is that different from an actual relationship?"
"True. Go on" Zayn responded curiously.
"Well, what if we forced them to admit they were still holding out for each other? We could like, plant the seed that there was a possibility of the other one moving on with someone else – it may make them realise they don't want to lose each other, yeah?"
"Or it could backfire" Zayn suggested.
"But it's worth a try isn't it?" Niall asked. "God knows we need to do something. Harry's so depressing to be around right now and I hate seeing him so despondent."
Zayn sighed. "Yeah, I'm worried about Louis too. Alright, let's do it! I actually have an idea."
***
The following evening Louis checked his watch for about the thirtieth time in the last ten minutes, before grinning and making for the stairs, taking them two at a time. It was finally time for his Skype call with Harry and he'd been waiting all day for it to be morning in Australia. He'd been pretending not to be waiting, of course, but he'd been waiting. They'd changed their calls so it would be Louis' evening, because he started earlier now he was back teaching and would leave for work before Harry got home each day.
He dialled Harry's number and it picked up on the first ring, Harry uttering his usual breathless "Hi" as he smiled at Louis. He looked beautiful – he always did, but there was something about him tonight. His hair was pulled back in one of his headscarves and his tanned skin was glowing. He looked so stunning it made Louis' breath hitch.
"Hey yourself" Louis replied softly, reaching out to poke one of Harry's dimples on the screen, wishing with everything in him that he could touch them for real.
For a heartbeat they just grinned at each other, as they usually did at the beginning of their calls. Then Harry broke the silence with a knock-knock joke, and they fell into the usual easy conversation. Louis asked about Niall, Liam and Sophia. Harry asked about Louis' family and Stan and Zayn.
Louis was sprawled on his bed, arguing the merits of Manchester United's latest signing, Harry simply listening and nodding at regular intervals, because he literally knew nothing about it, when Zayn and Stan barged into Louis' room.
"Oi!" Louis exclaimed. "Don't you lot know how to knock?"
"Since when have we ever knocked?" Zayn replied. "We've known you since we were toddlers and we've never once knocked."
"Yeah" Stan agreed. "Not about to start now."
Harry giggled and waved hello, both boys sitting down to chat immediately. Louis knew he should be pleased that Harry and his friends got on so well, but right now he was unhappy at having to share his precious Harry time with anyone else.
"We've come to drag old Mr. Anti-social here out for a night on the town" Stan was telling Harry. "He's been a bit of a hermit since he got back from Australia and he needs to get out and shake off the cobwebs. Can't have him pining away after you Harry, can we? He needs to get back out there!"
Louis wondered if he imagined the way Harrys face fell at Stan's words, the way his jaw clenched. He couldn't quite tell because Harry's features quickly schooled themselves into a smile, albeit a strained one.
"Sounds epic" Harry told Stan stiffly.
"Should be" Stan replied happily. "You should try and get back out there too Harry. Find yourself some buff Australian surfer bloke!"
And no. No, no, no. A thousand times no and hell to the no. Louis was suddenly very unhappy with how this conversation was going. He glared at Stan, gritting his teeth as anger flared.
"Yeah, maybe" Harry answered vaguely. "I'll let you go then. Have fun Lou, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he teased half-heartedly, although something was definitely off with him.
"Doesn't leave much" Louis teased back with a strained smile, before adding "it won't be the same without you Haz."
Harry smiled sadly. "Of course it won't – I'm awesome" Harry tried for a light tone "but go and have fun anyway, yeah?"
Louis nodded, trying to ignore the way the other two boys were watching him closely. "I will. Goodbye Haz, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight Lou. Love you."
"Love you too H" he replied softly, reaching out and running a hand over the screen lightly as he had at the end of every call, before hanging up. He sat staring at the blank screen for several long seconds, before turning to find both boys looking at him with amused expressions.
"What?" he asked irritably.
"Nothing" Zayn replied, holding his hands up. "I'm saying nothing!"
"Good!" Louis answered. "Now what's this rubbish about going out tonight? I don't want to go out and you bloody well know it!"
"Yes – we know you'd rather sit here brooding about Harry all night" Zayn replied. "But it's not healthy, so we're taking you out on the town."
"Yep, it's for your own good" Stan added. "It's about time you got drunk, and shagged, in that order. You won't get over Harry if you don't put yourself out there."
Louis frowned. "I've been home for barely a few weeks! Harry and I have only been apart for that long – I have no interest in shagging anyone right now, you know that!"
The two boys shared another smirk and Louis snapped. "What? What the hell are you two smirking about?"
"So" Zayn drawled. "Let me just clarify here. You're not together anymore?"
"You know the answer to that Zayn" Louis replied irritably.
Zayn nodded, murmuring his agreement. "It's just..." He let the sentence trail off, so Louis looked at him expectantly.
"What Zayn?" Louis prompted.
"What Zayn is getting at Lou" Stan replied. "Is that you say you're not doing the long distance thing, but you spend all your time on Facebook, Instagram or Skype with him, and when you're not, you're counting the minutes till you are. No!" he held up a hand at Louis' sound of protest "don't even try to pretend you're not!"
"You don't go out because you're always talking to Harry, and you end every call with "I love you" – which is not normal, Lou – not the way you mean it" added Zayn. "And now you're telling us you have no interest in shagging anyone else? Sorry to break it to you mate, but you're in a long distance relationship, even if you haven't realised it yet."
"Yeah" agreed Stan. "You can dress it up any way you like – but you, my friend, are in a relationship."
Louis sat staring at Zayn, his mouth opening and closing for a full minute as Zayn's words sank in. Finally, he sat back, staring into space.
"Jesus" he breathed. "I am aren't I?"
He looked up and the other two boys nodded. "So why don't you have a little think about that" Stan added. "Because if you don't claim him, it won't be long before someone else does!"
Zayn reached out, squeezing his shoulder. "You said it was too hard, Lou, but guess what? You're already doing it. Look, I think you have some soul-searching to do mate" he told Louis. "Because if you're honest, you and Harry were never going to be able to be just friends. You love each other too much. It was always going to be all or nothing with you two, that's how it was from the beginning, and that's the way it will always be. So you have a decision to make – and by that I mean that you need to decide once and for all if you want to be with him or not. Because at the end of the day, that really is all that's important. I know you're scared Lou, but everything you need to be happy is just on the other side of that fear – you just have to decide you want it badly enough and take a chance."
Stan leaned down and hugged him. "We want you to be happy Lou, and I don't think you are. Just think about it, OK?" He pulled back and Zayn wrapped his arms around Louis then.
"We're here if you need to talk" he told Louis softly, and then they left, closing the door behind them with a quiet click.
***
Harry hung up from Louis and as he sat at his desk, he could hear the blood pounding in his ears. He was angry and he was upset, but most of all, he was panicking. He'd refrained from telling Louis he'd been investigating possible jobs in the UK, because he didn't want to get his hopes up until he knew more about what was available – but he'd made some preliminary enquiries and was giving serious thought to relocating to be with Louis.
Now bloody Stan and Zayn were sticking their big fat noses in where they weren't wanted and Harry was furious. He was also, unreasonably, angry at Louis for not telling them to shove it, even though he had no reason to. God, what a mess!
He went downstairs to get a drink, stomping through the kitchen, grabbing a cup out of the cupboard and slamming the door closed. He stalked to the fridge, opening it and surveying the contents before slamming it shut with too much force, not even getting anything out to drink. He ran a hand through his hair, pacing and muttering to himself, before noticing that Niall was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at him.
Niall had been watching his little tantrum with raised eyebrows. "What's up your arse?" he enquired.
Harry was pacing back and forth, agitated and now he exploded. "He's been home for a few weeks, Niall – weeks! – and Zayn and Stan are dragging him out for a night on the town already, trying to get him laid! He only just got home, for fuck's sake! And we only just broke up! We still love each other – he doesn't need to go out clubbing and getting hit on already!"
"You don't know that – he might not get hit on Harry" Niall told him, trying not to look amused. Their plan had worked brilliantly by the look of it – and if they'd done it properly, Louis would be similarly distressed at his end, but it was all for a good cause.
Harry rolled his eyes. "C'mon Niall, you've seen him. He'll be getting hit on for sure – and what if he gets pissed and goes home with someone?"
Niall shrugged. "Well that would be none of your business Harry" he said quietly. "You're just friends, remember? If you didn't want him to be with anyone else, then you should have made sure he was taken, yeah?"
Harry glared at him, opened his mouth, and then closed it. He stood there, immobile as Brad's words came flooding back to haunt him.
The decision should be easy.
He sat down at the table. "Oh Niall" he muttered. "I've fucked everything up – I need to get him back!"
"I agree" Niall replied happily. "So here's what we're going to do. We're going to drive to work, request that Ian give you some well-deserved annual leave and then open your computer and find you the next available flight to the UK."
Two hours later they were trawling the internet for the next available plane ticket out of Brisbane. He had no clear plan. He was winging it, with just a fire in his belly and a fervent hope he wasn't too late, and yet it felt more right than anything else in the past few weeks.
It took most of the day to organise his leave with Ian and get himself packed, and by six o'clock that evening, he was checking in at Brisbane airport, his stomach fluttering at the thought of what he was doing. When he'd checked his bag, Liam and Niall both crowded into him for a group hug.
"Go get your boy Haz" Niall grinned.
"Good luck Harry" Liam smiled. "Give Louis a hug from us."
When Niall and Liam had finished waving Harry through the gate, Niall pulled out his phone to text Zayn and warn him that Harry was on his way.
***
Louis sat staring into space for half an hour after the boys left, their words echoing around in his head. He had realised two things with absolute clarity as he sat there staring at the screen where Harry's face had been just moments earlier.
The first was that he had completely and utterly fucked things up. No matter how much he had protested being in a long distance relationship, he was behaving exactly like somebody that was in one – and more importantly, he wanted to be in it.
The second was that the boys were right. He and Harry would always be all or nothing, and he knew he'd never be happy with anything less than all-in. How had it taken coming all the way home for him to realise it? What an idiot he'd been!
He was madly, stupidly, irrevocably in love with Harry, and home had somehow become wherever Harry was. That realisation made his pulse quicken, because he knew what he had to do.
He did, indeed have some soul searching to do, and he knew just who could help.
***
"Do you think it worked?" Stan asked Zayn as they sipped on their pints at the pub later that night.
Zayn shrugged. "Dunno, he's pretty bloody stubborn. I hope so though – they're perfect for each other. He just needs to get out of his own way, you know? He's so scared to give it a go – that's the real issue here. He's always been like that, guarding his heart. He needs to realise it's too late for that – he was already in too deep with Harry. Just saying it had to end doesn't mean anything. The heart wants what it wants man."
"That's fucking poetic Z" Stan told him with a grin. "You should write a book about love, seeing as you're now an expert and all."
"Fuck off" Zayn told him, grinning despite his efforts not to. "Hopefully we at least called him on his bullshit and made him face up to things. The rest will be up to him."
Zayn's phone buzzed then, and he grinned down at it, causing Stan to make a gagging sound. "God you're revolting now you're in love – I can tell that's him, you know, just by your face. It really is sickening."
Zayn simply gave him a shit-eating grin as he opened Niall's text. When he looked down, his eyes widened and he whistled. "Holy Shit!" he breathed out, before turning the phone around to show Stan the message. "Looks like we got a reaction out of someone at least!"
Stan grinned as he replied "Holy Shit is right! Should we tell Louis?"
"No way" Zayn answered with a grin. "Don't wanna spoil the surprise!"
***
Jay was making tea when Louis entered the kitchen and she looked up and smiled. "Cuppa Lou?" she asked casually.
"Yeah, that'd be great mum, thanks" he replied, taking a seat at the bench.
When she'd made the tea, she brought both cups over to the bench and placed one in front of him. She waited, watching as he took a sip and he looked down, plucking at a loose thread on his pants, not knowing quite where to start.
Jay sighed. "So, is this where you finally tell me you're in love with Harry?" she asked.
Louis' head shot up and he looked at her with a shocked expression, making her snort out a laugh. "Oh Boo, did you really think I didn't know?"
"But, how?" he asked.
"I knew before you even came home, love" she smiled fondly at him. "Every time we skyped you in Australia, your face was glowing when you spoke about him, and when I met him on Skype I could see he felt the same about you. I wasn't sure how serious it was, but it became obvious the minute you arrived home. You have a little aura of sadness about you now – the only time you light up is when he calls or texts or sends a message. It's like it's the same you, only not quite as vibrant as normal – like something is missing."
Louis ignored the tear that was making its way down his cheek and looked up at Jay. "Is it that obvious?" he asked.
She reached out and wiped the tear away, smiling softly at him. "Maybe not to everybody, but then I've known you longer than anyone else, haven't I?" Louis nodded and she continued. "Wanna tell me about it?" she asked.
So Louis started speaking, and soon it had all spilled out – everything from the very start to right that moment and when he finished, his cheeks were tear-stained and his voice was thick with emotion.
"Oh Louis" his mother sighed. "What were you thinking? Don't you realise that you'll always be a part of the girl's lives, no matter where you are? They won't fall apart if you're in Australia, I promise. It'll be different and we'll all need to adjust, but you can't never leave home because you think they need you too much."
"It's not just that" Louis answered. "I need them too. I want to be here to see them grow up, I want to browbeat their boyfriends and help mend broken hearts. I want to be there when they need me."
"And who says you won't be?" Jay asked. "It's not the dark ages Louis! We have Skype and social media and that wonderful invention, the telephone! Also, in case you haven't noticed, we do alright financially and could afford to visit. In fact I wouldn't mind a holiday to Australia and now I'd have an excuse. Look Lou, the girls will very soon have their own lives – Lottie and Fizzy are already barely home. Don't sacrifice your own happiness my love. God knows love doesn't come along every day – so when it does, you need to grasp it with both hands!"
Louis looked at his mum, face crumpling as he realised just what a mess he'd made of things. "Mum" he choked out. "I want to be with him!"
She reached across and squeezed his hand. "I think it's time we paid a visit to the visa office, don't you? We'll go tomorrow after your classes. We may not be able to get you there before Christmas, but maybe we'll be able to get you there in time for a New Year's kiss."
***
Louis went to bed that night feeling more excited than he'd ever been, the blanket of unhappiness lifting and making him feel lighter than he had in weeks. He was buzzing, nervous but having no doubt he'd made the right decision. He'd tried skyping Harry back, but had got no answer. He figured Harry had gone to work, so he sent him a text telling him he needed to speak with him as soon as he got home. He hadn't said anything except that it was important.
He tossed and turned, unable to sleep much and by four in the morning, he was too keyed up to wait any longer. He needed Harry to know he'd changed his mind.
He sat up and pulled his laptop over onto the bed, knowing Harry would be home from work by now. He quickly dialled his number and waited impatiently for Harry to answer.
It rang several times before Louis realised that Harry wasn't there and he sagged, disappointed. He shot off another text, asking Harry again to skype him as soon as he could, then he settled back in bed to wait. He texted Niall and Liam as well, but neither answered – maybe they were somewhere together, he thought.
He made himself a cup of tea and then climbed back into his bed, drowsy but excited, and waited for Harry to call. When he heard nothing from Harry, he tried calling him several more times to no avail, and then he had to get ready and leave for work. He growled in frustration. Now he'd made his decision, he was desperate to tell Harry. Where the hell was he?