When I got home, Grace was already there.
-Don't you work? - I asked kind of brutally, i just wanted to be alone
-Lunch break, not even one decent restaurant or coffee near my work, remember? - she said with her cocky grin
-Oh yeah, what are you cooking? - I asked pretending to care
-Bolognese! Want some? - she asked with a happy look on her eyes, like it meant a lot for her if I ate that meal with her.
-Yeah, sure. - I gave her a little small. It was small but it was the first real smile I gave someone since that day.
She served our plates and set them on the table, we sat down and started to eat quietly, I knew what she wanted to ask so I broke the silence
-The group therapy is shit, its so depressing, you have no idea Gracie. I didn’t speak today, i just couldn’t. - I stopped and looked at her, waiting for her to say something, she looked at me expecting me to continue talking. - I saw his mom today. At the cemetery, she wants me to move on and find another person to marry and have kids with Grace. How can she tell me something like that when her son pasted away only one month ago?
-She's just trying to help Annie! She is right, if you feel it’s too soon take your time, but you can’t keep at this forever, you have to live your life honey, you know thats what Alex would have wanted. -she speaks in her calmest voice
-How can I know Grace? We never even spoke about this stuff, I know thats what I would want him to do if it was me but I don't know what he thought about this. - I feel the tears slipping down my face.
-He loved you Annie, he loved you more than anything. And when you love someone like Alex loved you, you want that person to move on and be happy again if they have to. All the things we say he would have wanted are based on this Annie, based on the fact that he loved him more than he loved himself.
-I know… - I can’t bring my self to say anything else. I get up, pick up out plates and start washing the dishes. Grace comes up to me and gives me a kiss on the forehead “You’ll get through this Annie, I have to go to work now, I’ll see you in a few hours roommate” .
I nod.
I finish the dishes and head to my room, turn off the lights, close the blinds and crawl up in bed. What else was I supposed to do? It’s not like I’m going to go for a run or something, I have no motivation to do anything.
I close my eyes and see his face, my lovely angel, I start going through his features to make sure that I still remember him perfectly. I see him with his blue jeans, and red hoodie, his favorite hoodie, I have to keep it, his tall well structured body, his beautiful face, his blue piercing eyes, his dark blond spiky messed up hair, his severe jaw line, his perfect smile. The fact that I can still recall all his features and his voice is strangely calming. Keeping my eyes shut, I remember our last night together, he got home on a very good mood, he has been called to make some weeding photos for some top business man that was suppose to lift his career, he was so excited, and I was excited for him, my lovely angel. I remember him coming home with bags from the Chinese take out, and a little blue box. He gave me the box, it was a beautiful, sparkling bracelet, i put it on immediately and leaned in to give him a thank you kiss. We had dinner and watched TV on the couch, America’s Next Top Model was our thing. When the show ended he grabbed my hips and kissed me fondly, I kissed him back, I remember thinking “I love this man so much its overwhelming sometimes”. I put my legs around his hips and he lifted us up and took me to the bedroom, he laid me in bed and kissed me softly taking my clothes and his off, the kisses started to get intense and he grabbed me by the waist and put me on top of him and humorously said “ride me baby”, I leaned forward and kissed him wildly, slowly putting him inside me, and boy did we make love that night! It was one of our greatest nights, almost as if he knew it would be our last. We had sex three times that night and as he said afterwards two of the times we made love but the third one, we really fucked. I was so embarrassed when he said that, but he wasn't lying. I then remembered our most memorable moments about our seven wonderful years together,our first kiss, when i met his parents, when he met my parents, our first time, our first time thinking we were pregnant (because every couple has those), our holidays together, when we moved in together, when he proposed to me in a restaurant full of people clapping and screaming “say yes!” .Oh my man, I miss him so, I miss his voice, his touch, his stubbornness, I miss everything about him. It was only when I opened my eyes that I realized I would have been crying all these time while reminiscing on our times together. I look up at the alarm clock 6 pm. Shit! I’ve been here all afternoon!
I go to the bedroom, pick up a brush and try to tame my hair into a ponytail, take a quick shower down the neck and try to make time so the puffiness in my eyes can go away. I come back to the room dress in my most comfortable pajamas and go out to the living room to find Grace lying on the couch watching TV.
-Hey Annie, how was your afternoon? - she asks worried
-It was fine, just laid in my room thinking. - I answer drily - I think I’m going back to work tomorrow, you guys are right, may be it’s time for me to get my life going, and also it’s really not healthy for me to spend my afternoons thinking about him. I need a distraction and work is the perfect one. - I say decisively.
-I agree with you Annie, work will get your mind off of things for a while. And may be with time when you feel ready you’ll meet someone there. - Grace’s voice is full of hope.
-Yeah I think its a little soon to even consider that.
-Take your time sweetie pie. - the sweetness in Grace’s voice makes me smile. - Are you hungry?
-I guess you could say so, I could eat something.
-I brought pizza- she says with a bliss in her voice
As we sit on the couch and have dinner I look at Grace while she’s distracted. My best friend is the most perfect female I’ve ever seen. She has this almost platinum but natural blond hair and ivory flawless skin, she has piercing green and grayish eyes and full very pink lips, she has a body to die for and a grace (matching her name) that every girl wish she would have. She is so smart and intellectual, she knows a little about everything and is so up front about everything and everyone in life. She's not the blissful Grace that she was before the accident, at least not yet. She lost one of her best friends too. I remember seeing Grace’s parents at the funeral, i rarely see them, her mom is a successful judge and her dad is some fancy surgeon so they have time for nothing but their jobs. Although they have a lot of money and are really nice people I would have chosen my parents to bring me to this world any time. Me and Alex spoke about this all the time. Having time for our children is such an important part of everyones life. My mom became a stay at home mom when I was born, and my dad is an accountant at a supermarket chain company, so my sister, Edurn, and I had a lot of time with our parents. I haven't seen my sister since de funeral, she is studying all the time, so focused on being a doctor, she is 19 and is on her first year of med-school, we’re all so proud of her. Her face pops in to my mind, my beautiful sister, with her dark brown hair and her green blueish eyes, her tiny little body, she's so petit, so gorgeous. I love her so much.
Grace interrupts my thoughts with her question “What are you thinking about?”
-Oh nothing, I’m just thinking about my parents and Edurn, I haven't seen her in a long time.
-Edurn came here everyday after school to see you Annie, but you just didn't want to see anyone, I came in everyday to give you food but that was it.
-Oh… my poor sister, she must be so angry with me. - I’m genuinely concern about this, Edurn is my little baby, I treasure her so much.
-She's a smart young lady An, she’ll understand. - Grace is always so reassuring. I relax again.
-You miss him don't you? - I ask without any small talk first
-I miss him too much Annie, I grew up with that boy next door, I was the reason you guys even started dating, he was like a brother to me - she holds back her tears.
-I’m so sorry Gracie, I have been so caught up in my own pain that I totally neglect how everyone else must feel.
-You and his parents had it worse Annie, you were meant to be. -she says crying.
I hug my best friend without saying a word and we cry until we fall a sleep. When I wake up its 3 am and my back hurts from sharing the couch with Grace.
-Gracie, we fell asleep on the couch, get up, let’s go to bed. - I whisper
-Hum, hum, you go, I’ll be right there. - she mumbles more than half a sleep.
I get up and go to bed, I have no time to think about nothing, I instantly fall asleep.