¡trigger warning!
(mention of attempted suicide)
***
"mom," minho called out to the woman in the kitchen that chilly saturday night, "i'm going out."
minho's mother stuck out her head from the kitchen, pulling out her baking gloves from her hands. her expression showcased both curiosity and questioning.
"really? okay. but where are you heading to?"
minho tried hard to swallow the lump in his throat. "i just want to get some fresh air. after all...you've been telling me how i need to get out more as of late."
at this she laughed, albeit a little tiredly. "i did. well, okay then. have fun! are you going to meet seungmin and the others?"
minho's left hand shook at that moment, but he clenched it and shoved it into his jean pocket before his mother could catch sight of it. she had a bad habit of being too curious for her own good.
"...not tonight."
minho couldn't look his mother in the eye, because he feared he'd breakdown right there and then if he did. before he could think twice about what he was going to do tonight, he clicked open the door to his house and stepped out, letting the cold wind engulf his entire body.
his steps down the graphite steps were hurried, and despite the way his legs felt like jelly, he just couldn't cease his movement. it was like he was on autopilot, relying majorly on the plan he'd thought of for quite a while now to dictate all his steps.
minho knew where he was heading like the back of his hand. it was the perfect destination to clear his thoughts, as it offered both secrecy and a serene atmosphere. he was certain he wouldn't get interrupted there.
but soon enough, like always, contrary thoughts and feelings started ebbing their way into his mind.
what if you fail? what if you get disrupted? are you really going to do this? what about your mother? what about seungmin, changbin and felix?
minho didn't have anything else to say to those thoughts other than that he was sorry, and extremely apologetic for being so selfish tonight and being so set on partaking in something that was irreversible.
i'm so sorry.
minho found it bitterly ironic how he was uttering those three words that he'd came to hate with every bit of his being like a mantra inside his head, but yet he couldn't stop himself.
minho stopped walking as soon as he'd gotten to where he was going, his shoes scraping harshly against the muddy lumpy soil of the ground.
up ahead, there was a cliff, one minho used to visit quite a lot when he was a kid, as he'd been quite the dare-devil when he was younger. he'd sneak out of his house at night with changbin and come here, both of them wanting to see how far they could walk over the high cliff before they were in danger of falling off the edge.
as both him and changbin grew older, their visits gradually lessened as life grew harder and their responsibilities increased. but now, here minho was back again.
"i've missed you, old friend," minho spoke, his voice raspy, barely above a whisper. he sounded so weak and fatigued, very much unlike the way he used to be when he was younger. minho chuckled lightly at how things had changed.
minho started to walk again, not stopping until he got closer to that edge. it was definitely a lot more unstable now, sand and uneven rocks falling off of it with every step minho took. far below it was the sea, its dark waves twisting and rolling over due to the harsh currents.
wind whipped against his hair and clothes, but for once, minho didn't care about the cold it gave off. he actually liked it, as it made him feel numb.
he started to walk again, his footsteps more tentative and careful this time. he wanted to end it all on his own terms, not because he happened to fall victim to an unlucky accident.
for a few heartwrenching seconds, he imagined how his mother would react once she found out that he was gone, and never coming back. would she cry over him? or would she be finally relieved that she didn't have to see her failure of a son any longer?
and what about his friends? would they be sad over his death? or would they be happy he wouldn't be there anymore to ruin their day?
minho guessed that the latter part was right. he was doing the right thing by doing this. he'd finally be gone, and find that peace that he wanted so badly, and no one would have to suffer any longer because of his presence.
the dark waves continued to dance over the sea, as if they were welcoming him. as if they knew that his time had come, and that they were ready for him.
i'm sorry.
minho thought about jisung, who was always apologetic to the end. a tear ran down his eye.
the right pocket of his jeans started buzzing repeatedly, but minho just ignored the feeling. he ignored everything else, focusing only on the static noise inside his head.
"i guess this is it, then," minho said. he forced a smile on his face, thinking about the days he never used to fuck up his life so badly. he wished he could go back to those days -- days when he didn't purposefully starve himself, days when he didn't push everyone away and wasn't a pathetic shell of his former self -- but he guessed it was too late now.
"wait!"
minho's heart raced at the voice, his eyes glued on stormy sea below him. his hands began shaking again, and he wanted to scream.
what now? why couldn't he just end his life without any interruptions?!
more tears escaped his eyes, but before he could jump, the voice spoke up once more.
"please... please don't do this," the voice pleaded with him.
minho's nails dug into his palm, giving him an excrutiating amount of pain, but yet he didn't stop with the action.
"leave me alone!" he spat. he started sniffing, his heartbeat loud against his ears. the sea's waves continued to rage on, parting themselves as if they wanted to accept him before it was too late.
"i -- i don't know what you went through that resulted in you coming to this decision to... to end your life, but i just want to tell you that it isn't worth it," the person continued. "your life is extremely important. you're extremely important, please don't jump."
"i said leave me alone!" minho answered, adamant on not turning around. he wanted whoever was behind him to leave and never come back, so he could finally end his shitty life once and for all.
"i'm afraid i can't. i won't be able to live with myself if i did that."
minho's nails drew blood as he quickly shook his head, hurried sobs leaving his lips. "y-you can't m-make me."
"maybe i can't. but i can help you realize that you're alive for a reason. that there's so much you can do with your life, so much you can achieve." slow steps drew closer to minho as he continued to cry. "you've already come so far, so why give up now?"
"you don't -- you don't even know me," minho said. it was so hard to speak for the dark haired male, as the lump in his throat had grown the size of a boulder that constricted his airways.
"i don't," the voice replied, calming and kind, "but i do care about you, even though we've just met. i care about you enough to know that you don't deserve to end your life."
by now, minho could feel the person's presence not too far away from him, but yet, he didn't -- or couldn't -- move.
"someone out there cares about you, you know? they're probably thinking about you right this second, wondering if you're safe and sound, wanting to make sure that you're okay."
minho's shoulders dropped, and he bit roughly on his lower lip. his head felt all fogged up, and nothing he thought of made any sense. "no one cares about me. you don't know anything."
"i have a sister. well -- i had a sister. she committed suicide, purposefully driving in the wrong direction on the road, crashing into another car in the process. it would've been seen as an unfortunate accident had it not been for the letter she'd left for me..." the male behind him spoke, trailing off at the end of his sentence. "she...she thought she didn't deserve anyone, and thought i didn't care about her. but i did, and i still do. i still do..."
minho sniffed, wiping off his tears with the back of his hands. his mind had gotten a little bit clearer now, but yet the noise still remained. he couldn't stop it or block it out.
"i beat up myself over it for years, wondering what could've changed if i'd called her enough and did all that i could to let her know just how much she meant to me," the male spoke, and even though minho wasn't facing him, it was clear his sister's death affected him greatly, as his voice had grown more forlorn, as if he trying his hardest to hold back his tears.
minho didn't say anything -- he couldn't. he just stood there, letting the wind hit him and wanting nothing more than to find a way to end his suffering.
that buzz in his jeans appeared again, but once again, minho paid no mind to it. a hand softly grasped unto his elbow, and suddenly his legs felt like they were going to give way.
"please, let's go back," the male told him.
minho blinked away his tears as leaned into the male's touch, all his will to fight leaving him behind. he didn't think he could do anything anymore. he didn't want to do anything either.
i'm so sorry.
minho felt like he was failing himself by letting the male slowly drag him away from the cliff's jagged edge, and once more hot tears stung the back of his eyes.
"you're freezing. i'll hand you over my jacket, since it's warm." the male quickly spoke, and minho barely reacted when the thick material of the jacket was gently wrapped around him, shielding him from the biting cold. warmth cloaked him, and some of his nervous energy seeped away.
"i don't know where you live, and considering the state you're in right now, i don't think you'd want to meet anyone you actually know," the male continued to speak. when minho looked up, he got a better view of how the stranger looked like. soft, silver-like hair and a beaming smile greeted his vision, along with kind eyes and a heart-shaped face. "you can stay at mine for the night. i promise i'm not a kidnapper or anything."
minho continued to stare as the male helped him across the clearing, and when the guy finally locked eyes with him, he looked at the ground instead. he heard the stranger chuckle a little bit to himself.
"...i'm kim woojin, and although our meeting could've happened under better circumstances, i still won't mind it if we become friends."
minho kept his eyes locked on the hard ground, trying to keep his shaking palms in place. his heart was still beating quickly, and his head was pounding with a thousand thoughts at the moment that threatened to suffocate him, but with the male's comforting presence, he felt a little bit more relaxed.
"...i'm minho."
***
a/n: thoughts?