She entered the room, silencing her steps as if there were any chance that the sound could wake him up. Her heart skipped one bit the moment she saw him, lying on that same bed he had spent the last six months. She hadn't seen him since he had left the ICU.
His surgery went well, his recovery went well... he just had never woken up. Why? She wondered if there was a chance he simply didn't want to. His perfect suicide had been a complete failure. Why would he be interested in waking up? No. She had been told that was very unlikely while the correct answer was much simpler. The surgery hadn't gone so well. His brain had suffered too much damage. He was going to remain in a coma, waiting for his body to deteriorate, waiting for death. It was a longer, more painful process but... maybe he had been successful after all.
She took a chair, positioning it next to the bed. She sat before really looking at him.
God, he still was so beautiful. Exactly like the boy she remembered.
So yes, her first thought was to praise his physical appearance. But... it was the first time they were that close in more than a decade.
"Hello, brother..."
Finally, she could observe those features, really observe them. There was so little new on them, so little she couldn't recognize from the brother she once had. His hair color was the same pale blond she remembered, so thin, a little wavy. She remembered how soft it was and how she liked it. Those eyelashes were as long as she remembered them. Of course, she remembered them, and how they framed his eyes, his intense stare always upon her. They hadn't changed one bit. And... there it was. He had a small freckle on his left cheek, close to his nose. Almost invisible unless close to him. It had always been there. That didn't change one bit either.
His paleness was greater now, though.
"I've thought a lot about us in the last months..." her eyes reached the window, closed, and the intense rain outside.
She had thought about them all the time, non-stop. She had thought about their childhood, all of it. She had wondered about his adolescence. What had really been of Johan during those ten years? And the topic that occupied most of her hours was he and herself. Them. She was happy with the result of those thoughts. She had tried to understand his path, his whole evolution. It had been so painfully easy, once her amnesia had disappeared. So easy... how his determination and hope were stopped by his anger. A huge mistake that meant an end to all his plans, that rainy night the Lieberts met death. All he. Then his pain came, all her fault, and started the slow process that turned it into the anger and void that defined him as an adult. He came back. But no, there was a little hope left. It probably wasn't hope, just curiosity, so he left her the last chance... and she failed once again. So, he decided to put an end to it. The chase began for her, following Dr. Tenma's steps. Twice the chances it seems, but they both failed.
Had he ever wondered about the past, the one he couldn't remember? Probably, but it had been an absolute surprise to cross paths with it once again, in the shape of a children's book. That meant a little stop to his game, but nothing more. He looked for answers and when he thought they were enough... He had gotten much less than her, she was sure of that, but they were enough for him. The Red Rose Mansion had been enough.
At that moment, under that rain, he had already lost his patience. He had said so. No hope left. She was being more than a decade late. She was the one irrational, naïve.
She... had been more complex, still was. A complete mess of emotions, memories, ideas. Pure chaos. She had loved him terribly, so her love was capable of becoming such a monstrous hate, and fear. She remembered them both. She had left everything behind in order to chase the monster her brother had become, because of himself and because of her, thinking that it was her duty to do so. Why?
"Shoot me, Anna."
He asked her to do so.
"Then run away, run away as far as you can so the monster can't catch you."
Was she running away too? From her past? Their past?
"Even if I die, you are me... and I am you..."
It was her right to kill him.
First, she thought of revenge. Who was that brother that appeared without warning, to kill and run? The Fortners didn't deserve something like that. He was a monster and because of that she was going to amend Tenma's mistake and shot him again. She deserved that privilege too because he was her.
However, the chase ended for her the moment Lotte had handed her the Nameless Monster and he had disappeared once again through the fire and the flames. He stopped being so important and she came first. Her memories, that were also his. That was the little scary world, they had truly shared after all.
After Ruhenheim, Nina Fortner meant little for her. She couldn't recognize herself anymore on that name. That identity was vague, drowning in the memories of a stupid, normal life lost so long ago. She had wished many times her brother had never appeared, that he had spent his life killing other people she didn't know. But not anymore.
"What's left of us? Us as twins?" A sad smile, that was all.
"Probably nothing. First, I rejected you and forgot about you, then it was you who rejected me, my forgiveness, and chose death instead..." In the shape of a bullet, she had been so close to stopping, maybe with her own body.
"The truth is, I thought I could just go back to my old life, be that girl from Heidelberg once again and minimize the impact you had on my life. I'm sure that would be the wisest thing to do in my circumstances, maybe it's even what you think I'll do but... I can't, I don't want to... make the same mistake all over again, even if it wouldn't be a mistake now. I'm not making you disappear from my life, ever again."
"You waited ten long years to come back to me and even though you just wanted some pathetic revenge over me you decided I wasn't allowed to be Nina Fortner anymore. What would have you done if Dr. Tenma hadn't appeared? Would you have kidnapped me? Would we at least have met me in Heidelberg castle? No, I don't think so... you just wanted to kill the Fortners... and you were kind enough to save me from witnessing the murder... you..."
Enough, that wasn't what she wanted to tell that sleeping form. She took a deep breath.
"At the moment you came back you turned me into a sister again and even though I have so many reasons to hate it I don't, as I don't hate you anymore. I've reached the point at which I don't feel anything for you, not love, not hate, no pity or fear... nothing." She actually felt all of them but in the messiest chaos possible. "I'll still cherish the many good memories I have of the child you were and I'll still think about that brother I once had. But you don't have to be him."
"In fact, you don't want to be him. 'Some things cannot be undone'... isn't that what you said? I guess it's too late for you... I was unable to reach your speed once again..."
The fast life that put him on a hospital bed, probably for the rest of his life, at the age of 23.
"It seems that I just got used to it, but I'm going to let you decide once again. In this case, the future of our relationship. You were the one who rejected the other in Ruhenheim and now I'm going to respect your decision. I'm never going to interact with you again unless it's you the one who tries first, in case you have any desire in seeing me." In case you survive, in case you ever wake up.
"But I want you to know that I..." She... what? Cared about him now? Did she? "I wouldn't reject you anymore, I don't care how monstrous you are now. I'd rather like to talk with you like we did when the world around us didn't seem important when it was only us... in the whole world. I hope... we'll be able to talk... one day... But it's up to you, brother." A real conversation, not those pathetic rambles of angry words answered by his cryptic messages. "We used to talk a lot... all the time... when we were kids." Her eyes reached the window and a smile her lips, one she tried to stop.
She had already recovered all the memories left to remember. And most of them included him, and only him... and with the memories of that brother she had loved so much the feelings for the actual brother only became more and more complicated.
She was sure she could say that she hated and loved him.
"You taught me how to draw. We used to sit by the kitchen table with all our colors and papers and I used to copy your drawings while you told me how to do this and that... Your drawings were so beautiful, I envied them so much..." She smiled, sad, like every time she remembered that boy. "Even in the Three Frogs, you took care of me more often than mother actually did... I never thanked you for that."
"We also used to read a lot. You loved reading, even those big tomes of Biology mother had at home... so we read a lot, the same children's books we had, over and over. We had many Russian fairy tales... many of them. I guess they were easy to acquire in the Soviet Bloc."
"I'm happy that I've recovered all those memories. Now I know everything... and despite all the pain and sadness... I'm happy."
"Happy birthday." Still hesitating, she stood up, bowing until she was able to leave a kiss in her brother's cheek. A minuscule gesture, but another one that showed something more than murderous rage. She had been pathetic, falling for all the anger and pain he wanted her to feel and only creating even more in the process. She was supposed to be smarter than that... If only she had been, she could have seen how manipulated she had been.
So, no. He had no power over her now, nothing compared to that. And she was showing it on that kiss, a gesture he could have never predicted, neither liked.
"If only you were awake..." She whispered, too close to him to actually speak with a normal tone. A challenging smile curved her lips before turning away. She had promised she would never visit him if that happened.
"I'll come back next time I visit Munich."