To the love of my life,
No
Dear Melanie,
Nah
Melanie,
I'm just going to wing it
I don't even know how to start this letter, but I do
know that an apology is long overdue.
Melanie I am so sorry for all the continuous pain that I've put you through. After your relationship with Lucas I swore to myself that I would never hurt you that way, yet here we are. Since moving to Korea I've grown to become selfish, inconsistent, and in all honesty immature. I chose to only focus on my career rather than making sure the foundation that we built back home was secured. And for that I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry about the Dispatch and Mina situation. I never got to explain it to you so that's what I'm going to do right now. The pictures that were released of us were real, but I can assure you that it was strictly platonic. We hung out with one another because we sought out advice for each of our private relations. I never had the intentions of pursuing her nor did I want to. The only girl that has stayed on my mind, day in and day out, is you.
Immediately after the article was posted, I tried to contact you but they took away my phone and computer. Isolating me from the world in a sense. At first I was ready to call it quits and head home, but I didn't want to get this far just to let it all go. So I stayed and worked my ass off, and we're going on tour. We'll be in New York for a few days. I hope I get the opportunity to hand you this letter myself, that way you can receive the closure you deserve. While also being able to move on. I do not want to hurt you anymore, you deserve to be happy. Maybe we are just better off as friends.
I love you Melanie Sooyoung Seo,
I always have and always will.
-Mark
I folded up the letter and placed it inside of an envelope. Part of me regretting that this is the only time I've written a letter to Melanie, and I'm telling her to move on.
Guilt constantly washes over me, yet I still can't bring myself to reach out to her. Although I know it's selfish, I'm not ready to let go of Melanie. I know she'll want to stay friends, but it just won't be the same. She'll move on eventually. Maybe even fall in love with another guy. Of course she'll forget about little ole me. I wouldn't blame her.
Or maybe she has already moved on.
Would I even have the right to be mad if she did?
These types of thoughts rummage through my head everyday, no matter how much I try to shake it off these thoughts are all that I can imagine whenever Melanie comes to mind. Which is pretty often.
The bright side to all of this is that I am finally enjoying all of my hard work. Concerts, music shows, fan meetings, the list is endless. I truly feel like an artist, and it feels amazing. Since I'm signed to SM Entertainment, it's like I've been adopted into a huge new family. And I feel more connected with my identity.
I'm growing as a person and although I wish Melanie was here to grow beside me, I think this time by myself is well needed.
Melanie's Perspective
Living with the boys has been so much fun. Everyday we go out and find something to get distracted by. The only thing is that I feel bad because Jaemin has been sleeping on the couch every night. He even moved some of his clothes letting me have two drawers in his dresser and space in his closet.
So today I've decided enough was enough. I crept into Haechan's room, and headed over to his bed. I knew he was sleeping but I really didn't care,
"Haechannie"
"Haechannie!"
"HAECHANNIE WAKE UP!"
"What Melanie? WHAT!?" Sheesh he
already woke up with an attitude
"Can you come with me to Ikea?" I asked as
I batted my eyelashes at him,
"Melanie, it's 10am on a Tuesday in the
summer. No." And with that he threw
his head back onto his pillow
I was going to let him rest and just go by myself but then I remembered, I'm not going to be able to carry everything I buy. So I snatched the pillow from under his head and made a run for it.
He began to chase me into the living room despite his injury, as I mocked him
"If you come with me, I'll give it back!"
"Melanie why can't you be like everyone else in this apartment and sleep until 12pm!"
"Come with me!"
"FINE! Give me my friggin' pillow back"
"Thank youuuu Haechannie"
"Leave me alone fuck face"
-
We made our way to the other side of town by taking the bus. Haechan continued to doze off while I looked at bed frames on my phone.
"Why are we going to ikea?" Haechan asked half awake
"I want to get a bed that way I can sleep in your room, I feel bad for completely taking over Jaemin's room."
"You know he doesn't mind"
"Yea but I do. And besides what if he wants to bring a girl home or something". This caused Haechan to laugh, "what's funny?"
"Nothing"
"Tell me!"
"Nope"
Ugh I hate him sometimes.
By the time we got to ikea we roamed the store for hours, playing hide and seek on every floor which obviously annoyed the workers. After agreeing on a bunk bed, we headed to the food court to indulge in some meatballs and cranberry sauce.
"Uh Mel"
"Yea?"
"So you remember how I'm in a group?"
"Uh duh how could I forget?"
"Well they're currently on tour and coming to NY tomorrow night. Mark wanted me to bring you but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable so it's completely your choice if you want to go or not because I'll support you no matter what" he said very quickly, making him out of breath by the end of his sentence
"I'll go"
"Are you sure?"
"I have a few things to say to him"
-
As soon as we got home we assembled the bunk bed and I moved my things into Haechan's room. Jaemin seemed sad but I joked around letting him know that I'll always be down the hall.
As the next day came we all prepared for the concert. Jeno and Hallie adorned matching outfits, which was so freaking cute! Haechan and I worn matching fanny packs on the other hand making us look very savy. And Jaemin was probably dressed the most normal and fashionable.
We all hopped in an Uber and made our way to the venue. My heart was beating a mile a minute as I tried to imagine what I was going to say to Mark.
Was I going to cry? Yell? Not speak at all? I kept thinking of all the possibilities and outcomes. This could potentially be the end, was I ready for that?
Once we arrived at the venue, we were ushered to a section reserved for Haechan and his guests. All of us were very excited, especially because none of us had ever had vip at a concert before.
"We're celebrities!" Jeno yelled out with a huge smile etched upon his face. We continued to take pictures and Snapchats before it was time for the show to start. My nerves began to build up. I didn't know what to expect, but I was ready for anything.
As the show started we all began to scream our heads off, especially Haechan and I. The singing, the dancing, the rapping, the FLAVOR! It was exhilarating!
Each of the members looked so immersed within their music, making it seem as though it was their first time ever performing. The passion was unmatched as they took the crowd by storm. Yet I couldn't keep my eyes off of Mark.
His charisma lit up the stage. The way he rapped sent shivers down my spine. And when he talked, his smile was so bright I swore it lit the entire stadium. Seeing him on the big screen just made me even more nervous for the end of show. I didn't know what to say to him, or how to say it to him. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
"Come on Mel, it's time to
head backstage" Haechan smiled
By the time I finally snapped out of my internal dialogue there was no time to really think through what I was going to say. My nerves must've been very apparent as my friends all whispered "good luck" as we arrived in the back.
The group did their official greeting and introduced theirselves to us one by one. Everyone talked about tour and summer, even all joining in to joke about Haechan's injury. And that's when I felt I soft tap on my arm,
"Can we talk?"
I shook my head yes as I followed him to a back room.
"Mark-"
"Mel stop, please let me start. I'm sorry for everything. The way I treated you was shameful, and we both know that you deserve better. You need to move on. So I wrote you this letter-"
"Are you breaking up with me?"
My voiced cracked as I tried to hold back tears
"Yes, because-" he said hesitantly,
avoiding eye contact with me
"So no I miss you, no at least asking me what's going on in my life? You're just done, like that?"
"You think this is easy for me?"
"I never said it was Mark, I just wanted a real conversation with you before you just jumped to the conclusion of us breaking up"
He stayed silent, so I continued
"For months now I've sat restlessly and tirelessly waiting for your phone call, even just a text! Something that let me know that you still cared! I wanted you to ask me about myself. I texted you everyday asking you a new question, praying that you would let me in. But there was nothing but Dispatch articles. Now we're here and one of the first things you have to tell me is that you want to break up?"
Haechan came in, realizing that he was interrupting yet he continued, "Mel we have to go now"
I waited for Mark to say something, anything.
He didn't.
I headed towards Haechan with the letter in my hand,
"I'm sorry Melanie!"
He yelled one last time
I kept my head down as I felt the hot tears trickle down my face.
-
We all got into the Uber very quietly. Haechan sitting in the passenger seat, Jeno and Jaemin in the middle, leaving Hallie and I in the very back.
I cried myself to sleep on her shoulder, I didn't even bother to open the envelope. By the time we got close to our apartment, I finally stopped crying. Hallie gave me wise words of encouragement letting me know that this is only a new chapter in my life. But it hurt knowing that this chapter ended so abruptly.
As we all entered the apartment I went to the fridge and grabbed my coffee ice cream. I plopped down on the couch and just ate away. Jaemin joined me later on, on the couch with another spoon, signaling me to share the ice cream.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine"
"Tomorrow we can go to the West Village if you want"
"Thanks for always trying to cheer me up"
"Well you deserve to be happy lala"
"I keep hearing that, but I'm still not happy"
"Hey look at me, you still have a whole month of summer left and I'm going to make sure you have fun"
By this point Jaemin pulled me into a hug, and stroked my hair. It made me want to cry again but thankfully I was able to hold it together.
"Jaem?"
"Yes lala"
"How come you never bring girls home?"
This caused him to laugh, "I'm serious!"
"I'm laughing because that's such a random question, what made you think of that?"
"I don't know I'm just nosey"
He giggled, "I just want to enjoy my summer. I'm waiting for my perfect girl to come along"
"Boring answer" I also said with a giggle,
"what's your perfect girl like?"
He took his time and thought for a little while, "She's silly, energetic, caring, passionate, empathetic. She's amazing-"
"It sounds like you already know her"
"I wish"
"But hey have you taken any of
your medication recently?"
I nodded my head no causing both of us to stay silent.
We eventually fell asleep on the couch, causing the ice cream to melt on our coffee table.
Haechan came into the living room screaming "goodmorning", Jeno was cooking breakfast, and Hallie was opening the blinds, letting the summer sun shine on us.
This is my new chapter
__________________________
Hey guys!
I think this is my longest chapter idk, but I am sure this was one of my favorites to write. Everything came out so naturally.
What have been y'alls fav music recently?
Snapping by Chungha has been on REPEAT 😩