January 20th 1997
I recently got a call from my dads long time "good friend" Mary, we recently couldn't be in the same room especially after my dad passed away. As crazy as it sounds she got 10% more of my fathers estate. She called me to ask me if i can come over for awhile, i'm thinking she wanted to talk about my father because that's all we really had in common to hold a conversation.
As i knocked on her door and waited outside of my dads house which she owned was embarrassing. For one because everyone kept telling me that i should have gotten Garden Lodge, but i guess its what my father wanted. I promised myself that i was only going to stay for a while because i couldn't stand to be in this house without getting angry, or emotional.
"hello darling" Mary said while she seen me behind the other side of her door.
"helllo.." i said awkwardly
i asked her how she was as she told me to come inside. She told me she was fine and making some tea for us. which was fine i enjoyed tea anytime, we made our way into the living room which was nice and bright she must have opened all the curtains to bring in the sunshine i loved my dad living room when the sun hit the living room during the day. I smiled of having that memory in my mind.
"i'm so glad you came by i've been wanted to talk to you about some stuff, just a clear up as you will say" i put my purse down right next to this massive red couch which only fit one person usually it was my dads favorite so i seen she still kept that. "i'm so surprised you asked me.." i had a feeling on why she wanted to see me, i mean she had to obviously see my recent interviews in magazines. As she cut to the chase she asked why i was mentioning my dad so much?
"people want to know more about our relationship...is that a problem?!" i sat down and crossed my legs and folded my arms as she also did the same.
"of course not Vanessa, i just want you to be careful on things you say about your father, they might get mislead or misunderstood on why hes gone"
i shouted "hes gone because they couldn't find a cure in time" she than calmly told me "now Vanessa i adore you terribly but i ask you to please calm down the boys are upstairs i don't want them hearing us screaming at each other"
i said "fine.." i got up and and went to the kitchen, i seen she moved so much around. i got angry and she followed me and i told her "why is everything not in its place, Mary" she told "well when uou have two boys you try and put stuff away" i gave her a quick glanced and said "nothing should be moved no matter what!" she had enough i could tell and asked me "why must i have an opinion on what goes on in her house" i screamed at her and said "your house? you think this is fully your house?!!" i took a step closer to her and said "you were not there when my father purchased this house, i was you were also not there" i took a deep breathe and stepped back and said...."you have no idea what its like to be in this house and feel so many emotions." she put her head down and said "i feel that every single day" As we left it as that i promised her to always check in on her as the days and moths past. She was a very special person in my dads life and i promised myself that id be civil for the sake of my dad not being her and plus i know my dad would want me to patch things up with her.
i went home that night and locked myself in my room and watched old home movies of my dad just to keep my mind off of this whole situation. But the hard reality was i was actually making it worse by being alone. I remember the video tape getting to a part where it was around 1982 and Queen was in Japan for the Hot Space tour i knew it was from that time by the way my father would always carry a Japan inspired belt around his neck. in the video they asked Queen if "they all think they'll be around forever?" I yelled at the tv as loud as my lungs can go and screamed "WHY DiD YOU LEAVE ME HERE??!!" i threw everything that was near me at the tv even though i felt betrayed and i felt angry i had to get away from my house and as fast as i could. i took a stroll through my town wondering if this was going to be my life from now on. I mean yea, i may have this or that but everything is nothing when you dont have your family beside you especially when you are growing up!