"Hey love." Zayn smiles, he is wearing a red sweater, having his hair brushed in a perfect quiff and looking gorgeous, as fucking always. He is glad that he decided to bring his laptop with him or he wouldn't be able to Skype with Zayn since his sister is doing the same with her boyfriend... for hours... and they aren't even talking, for fifteen minutes now for god's sakes.
"Hello" Louis answers softly and he almost feels bad for not brushing his hair. "Going out?"
"Yeah, to my family in thirty. Just really wanted to talk to you. Happy birthday!" Zayn grins and wow Louis might not deserve him but still appreciates having a Zayn in his life. A Zayn who he can also care about.
"Thank you, babe."
"Really wished I could be with you, it's a shame we didn't manage to join our families this year like last one." Zayn says and his voice sounds muffled and the image a bit distorted, which makes Louis remember the bad internet connection they have in the flat. "Hope you are still having a good time."
Louis shrugs as an answer. "It's only Christmas." He says as if he is saying it's just a normal day, when apparently it's raining more around here.
"And your birthday. Talked to Liam today and your party is still up."
"Oh Jesus, I'm expecting everything this year." He chuckles and Zayn takes some more time to answer this time.
"You look better. You actually look good." He grins getting closer to the camera as if that way he can see Louis better.
"I always look good Zayn." Louis smiles a bit. "Sorry though." He sighs and even if he is video chatting with Zayn, it's hard for him to look at his face. "I keep only thinking about myself," and him "when I should be thinking about the people around me as well. I treat you like shit sometimes, especially drunk... god sorry for getting drunk so many times this past weeks, messing up the flat and not cleaning it out, smoking your pack... And mostly not thanking you as many time as I should."
"No need of that, little one."
"Shut up Zayn, you say it as if it's okay for me to not value your presence in my life."
"But I'm not saying it like that. I'm saying that is okay for you to feel down like this sometimes and it's not your fault. I just wished you didn't feel this way for so long and you would let me help you."
"I let you help me, you know it. And I appreciate it so much."
"I know you do, but letting me help you and listening to what I say to help yourself are two different things. You only do the first one."
"I'm sorry..." Louis says playing with the corners of his laptop. He knows Zayn is right, he knows, he just doesn't feel ready to do anything.
"Don't apologise to me, apologise to yourself." And seriously how can Zayn say this in the most tender tone possible, making Louis want to travel back to London to hug him? "Just think about getting better... Always for yourself, because you deserve it, if you believe in yourself you will be good. I really want to help you but I think this time only you can do it."
Louis nods "I just don't know what to do."
"You will know when the time comes, sounds cliché but it's true."
"Well the time could come quicker."
"I know love." Zayn says sadly. "Is it staying there making you feel better anyway? To think and stuff?"
"Don't really know... I've been sleeping on Peter's room because for the first time this room doesn't help me at all." Zayn looks surprised and Louis thinks he loses him for some seconds when he seems to freeze "I don't feel sad but..." He stops himself and avoids looking at the camera again.
"You can say it."
"I miss him. Again. Or just... Like always."
"I know." Zayn smiles briefly and even if it wasn't the time for it, Louis smiles back. "I'm so sorry little one but I really need to go. Wished I could stay here talking to you a little longer but my family is waiting." Zayn informs him, honestly upset.
"It's fine. Go on. Say hi for me to your parents and sisters."
"I will. Same there. Really miss you, love." Zayn pouts, making Louis chuckling.
"Ew, stop being this sappy."
"I can't, just love you too much."
"Ugh, you and my brother really need a girlfriend"
Zayn laughs but still says "I already have you, I'm not a cheater."
"Oh shut it."
"I'm sorry," Zayn chuckles "gotta go now then. Bye, love you."
"Bye love, thank you." both wave at each other and after Zayn grinning at his best friend he turns off the call.
What is Louis going to do now?
~*~
Louis is honestly a disaster in giving presents. Everyone thanked him for them but he knows that buying a Christmas jumper to everyone wasn't a really good choice. He saw Zoe's face and he knows she will probably save it in the back of her closet till she moves out, he knows Peter will use it only in those cold nights while he is in bed, his mother will only use it when he will come around and his father when he has nothing to wear when he spends his days at home.
He is fine with it anyway. He ended up receiving a new shirt, chocolates, a beanie and socks... A ritual, really.
He and his siblings start watching their Christmas' movies sooner this year than they did last one (not a good signal though).
Peter is already sleeping with his head on the arm from the couch and Louis just knows that's an uncomfortable position.
"Zoeeeeee," Louis whines slapping his sister in her arm to shut her up. She has been muttering Grinch's quotes since the movie started. She knows it by heart already and Louis can't stand the kinda annoying, feminine voice whispering next to him.
"What? Shut up." She complains, shaking Louis' hand away, not taking her eyes off from the TV screen.
"You are only making me hate this movie even more." He rolls his eyes.
"Well I love this movie so shut it, diva."
Louis sighs loudly. "I can see it... Every year." He whispers shaking his head in annoyance. "This green dude just scares the shit out of me."
"You know now how I feel when I look at you, brotha." She smirks looking at him for a moment only to tease him and looks away again at the screen.
"Oh, doesn't she have great comebacks. When was the last time I heard it? When you were fifteen, right?"
"It never gets old."
"Yeah, otherwise your face." Is his turn to smirk triumphantly while making drum's noises, just to be more dramatic.
"I'm only twenty three you dickhead, you are older. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? You look like a dead body."
"Ouch."
"Have you been losing weight, by the way?" She asks now more serious.
He shrugs. "Maybe." And his answer doesn't make Zoe that much happy.
"We should put him in bed." She says instead of commenting on it, looking at Peter next to Louis.
"Leave him here so I can have the bed just for myself."
"So nice of you." She says wryly and Louis is imagining the moving being forgotten, thank you very much, Santa. "Though, I'm not getting. Is something wrong with your room?" Louis wants to say that it's not his room anymore, but then... Where his room is? This one used to feel warmer than the one back in London, but he just doesn't know anymore.
"No." He shakes his head along the answer.
"Then why aren't you sleeping there?" She asks and ah fuck, Louis realises that he hasn't talked to her about serious things since they saw each other. They have just been playing around, but they always have to have a serious conversation about how life is going for both of them when they visit Doncaster and see each other (or even on skype).
Might include too much of the how are you doing, Louis? Kind of questions and he can add it to the are you happy, son? Kind, which makes him think that he is a little bit too fragile, a little bit too weak and just... Just so little that if it wasn't for those questions or these people around him would be nothing. He became such a different adult from the teenage boy he was, it's unreal...
"Just can't do it." Zoe rolls her eyes with the answer, but turns her whole attention to him.
"What's wrong?" she asks and they can speak as loud as they want because Peter sleeps like a rock and if he doesn't wake up with his own snores then he won't with them talking.
"Well, I haven't told mom... Only Zayn knows it because well... He lives with me and he is kinda involved in this situation now."
"Oh god, don't tell me that he got you pregnant!" Zoe interrupts saying in a more serious tone than she should.
"What?!" Louis grimaces "Jeez, Z." He pushes her by her shoulder while she tries stopping laughing now. "Please, it's serious what I'm about to say."
"Sorry, sorry." She chuckles but then looks at Louis' serious face and well, he would be laughing as well in other circumstances. "Oh, wow... Say it then."
"Well Zoe I..." He sighs. "I saw Harry." And says easily. Easier than he expected.
"What?" She asks confused but still shocked and so loud that makes Peter jump in his sleep.
"I-I saw Harry. And please before asking something let me talk first." he continues weakly "He is okay, yes." And all right Louis is going to talk about Harry and controlling himself. "I think he is living in London as well because I found him working on a café... The first moment I saw him I... I couldn't imagine and went in shock. I ran away but Zayn brought him to our flat a few days later. So we talked. I mean... No, I talked. I didn't let him speak." And why the hell did I do that?
"What the fuck?" Zoe says first. "Okay what the actual fuck Louis. I'm shocked. I'm... Okay wait." She stops and looks at the wall as if there was a piece of art ready to be appreciated. "All right. That's bloody amazing Louis." She now looks fuller of life at Louis. "You saw him you know where he is. Okay, fuck, Harry." She grins "Harry, Louis, Harry." She laughs "You saw Harry. That's what you wanted. Oh my god, that's what we all wanted."
"No Zoe, it's all over."
She grimaces. She actually grimaces. "What are you saying?"
"I felt mad, even though I think what I did was stupid, but I couldn't hear him. Zoe, can you imagine how I felt? After all these years seeing him in front of me so different and... God, just alive and not looking like the same person I remembered him to be. I freaked out and said a bunch of shit making him going away. I've been feeling dead for a month, I can't believe I can be such a child and react this way."
"You are a freaking idiot, that's what you are Louis." She days seriously and Louis looks at her seriously. "I mean, you see him, and what the fuck. He went there to talk to you, you don't let him explain and tell him to go away and still feel dead for... A damn month?" She asks perplexed and Louis doesn't answer. Does he really need?
She rubs her temples before continuing. "Stop lying yourself, stop making things harder for you, stop crying, stop making a storm in a glass of water because you saw him Louis... Might have taken years, but you did. You clearly missed and miss him, you care because this whole thing shattered you but you, better than us, know how it really felt to live without his presence. You know he has an explanation for all of this, it wasn't his fault. And now that you saw him you simply tell me that it's all over? That you didn't give him a chance? Are you even trying or are you just being eaten by that fear? You're twenty five, for god's sakes, do I need to slap you so you can see life again?"
~*~
Zoe slapped him. And slapped him hard. So it's the twenty seventh of December and he is outside of that, now, familiar café, back in London and he is looking inside, where he intends to be for more than two minutes. He also intends to get inside because it sure as hell is going to rain soon.
He gives one step and another and another and he is there. He isn't here to drink coffee, eat one of those delicious pastries or have those huge and amazing breakfasts. No. He is here to do everything except the usual people do in a coffee shop.
He looks around and stops in the counter. His heart isn't even on his chest anymore so there's no need to say that is beating fast.
He isn't here because he is afraid that Zoe will slap him hard again, he isn't here because he disappointed everyone by his behaviour and how broken he got, he isn't here because Zayn wants him okay... He realises that he is here for himself. He deserves an explanation and Harry deserves a chance to be heard.
Hell, at the end Louis just really wants to see Harry again and this time talk like normal old friends would. Friends.
He still isn't seeing Harry and he just imagines the moment when he appears from outside ready to work, or runs in from one of the doors with a smile on his sculpted face and looking fresh and nice and just like a man.
Stella, if he recalls well her name, is serving some clients from the tables, while another girl writes down the orders. The blonde guy that Louis usually sees talking with Harry is now walking out from the little space he has to play his guitar and sing (he is really good and he hopes one day he can hear him properly).
He keeps looking around, though, he isn't here to pay attention to those insignificant details.
"Hello, can I help you with anything?" Louis almost jumps with the voice coming from his side. He was doing well, ignoring the guy from the balcony so he doesn't seem like he wants to ask something and just keeping looking at some corner from the place so he seems like he is busy, maybe waiting for someone. It doesn't work apparently.
"Erm, sorry, no, I'm fine." He says facing the person. And oh, it's the blonde guy, whose voice sounds like an angel and plays like a professional. And god dammit do this people really need to have more beautiful blue eyes than him? Is this some sort of competition?
"You look kind of lost. Do you need help with your order or something?" And why does he have to have an Irish accent, which screams I'm really nice and friendly?!
"No I'm, erm, waiting for someone." Also known as please go away because I'm so nervous that I'm about to puke and you are making it all worse.
"Oh, sorry," he says passing his guitar to the other hand. "Look, I don't want to sound creepy or anything," he chuckles "but I think I've seen you somewhere..." He says looking curiously and attentively at Louis' face.
"Perhaps in the street man, or here, because I think it's the first time I see you." He laughs nervously because maybe that's a little lie and oh god, his stomach is jumping inside of him, he is sure of it.
"Maybe..." He says not really convinced.
"You work here, right?" Louis asks because he feels like if he doesn't see Harry in the next minute he will run away because the courage is fading away and his body can't handle this moment.
"Kind of. I usually sing and stuff, I work in a music shop more precisely this is like my second job, second house." He laughs and Louis can't stop but notice with this small conversation that this guy here is so happy and feels enthusiastic with every moment of his life - and maybe he also saw that while he walked over and would see him with Harry.
"Right, that's good." He says and it's not awkward or anything. "I'm looking for a boy with curly hair, he works here..."
"Curly hair?" And fuck yes Harry's hair isn't as curly as it used to be so maybe that's not a good adjective to use.
"Okay not that curly, erm, he has green eyes and is like tall and -"
"Harry." He interrupts and Louis can't make himself think that it's wrong listening to somebody else - a stranger - saying his name. "I got it with the curly hair, it just... Yeah, right, Harry..." Louis is about to kill this Irish lad. Killing him or puking all over him, and neither of the two are a good thing so. "He is inside doing experiments, I think," he laughs again. "It's him who you are waiting for?" He raises his eyebrow
"I..." And what is Louis going to say?
He is truly thinking about giving up and just say forget it, not only to the young boy in front of him but to himself as well but maybe he should start believing a bit more in fate because in that moment Harry walks in, coming from a door behind the balcony, wearing an apron on top of his work's uniform, all brown and green.
The world stops again for Louis but this time it's short and he doesn't allow himself to look too much at the man he once knew so well. They still lock their eyes in the air and maybe there is a little spark between their gazes, which both decide to ignore.
Harry puts something he was holding on the counter and surprisingly keeps staring at Louis. He takes a deep breath and walks a bit closer so they are now in front of each other, with only the balcony dividing them so they can't touch. Louis forgets about the unnamed blonde guy and the people around as well.
"Lo -"
"Hi," Louis says first and god he still can't look properly at him because even if he spent days looking at the green eyed man from a window (because Louis was always the creepy kind) he still doesn't know him, still feels uncomfortable looking at him while wanting to see somebody else maybe. "I want to talk... I mean, if you want to as well. This time both actually talking, properly." He continues weakly. "If that's okay."
Harry keeps in silence for some seconds as if he is using them to admire the man in front of him "Hi." He says and Louis, look up, he is smiling at you. Even if it's a tiny smile, Louis shouldn't be missing it out. "Of course I want to." So calm. He sounds and is acting so calmly and relaxed it just makes Louis change is target from the guy who looks like an angel to Harry, to purge. "Just... I'm working right now. My shift only ends in an hour."
"That's fine. I will just wait here." Because he knows if he leaves that door now he is just going to give up and runaway as always.
"Really?" Harry asks and Louis wants to get used to this voice so badly because it is just sounds so... So right and husky it makes him shiver. "That's wonderful." He smiles a little. "Do you want me to bring you something to your table? A coffee, tea, maybe -"
"No," he interrupts quickly. "I'll be here waiting." He says and offering him a glance he walks to an available table next to the window.
And Louis waits, he doesn't even try to kill time with his phone, playing some game or something because this has free Wi-Fi, it's like a signal from God that Louis doesn't want to receive right now.
When Harry walks past him when goes taking the orders to the tables, he makes sure to look at Louis but he doesn't even notice it because when he saw the blonde guy going talking to Harry in such a familiar way, making Harry's eyes glow, Louis gave up on looking back at him.
At six Harry disappears and Louis almost doesn't notice. He was just looking out of the window at the sad sky, perhaps to calm himself. He is in the same room as Harry, breathing the same air and anything is stopping or preventing him to have a touch. But it still seems impossible.
Someone coughs and Louis raises his head, looking away from the window to the person standing next to his table.
"I'm ready, if you are." Harry says and no, Louis isn't ready, four years and a half weren't enough apparently. He just wasn't hopping for anything.
Harry is again with those clothes that Louis doesn't recall him to have. Those clothes that aren't Louis' or aren't being shared with him. His hair isn't that usual mess, is just nicely brushed with a few curls at the end.
And Louis is just staring at him, finally appreciating his features, not from far away, not from a picture or a video and not with his blood boiling in his veins.
Harry tensely adjusts his long winter coat and shoves his hands to his pockets, feeling uncomfortable with those eyes on him.
"Are you? Ready I mean." He decides to ask and it's his time not to look at Louis. Is he nervous? Finally.
Louis clears his throat "Sort of." He stands up, putting his beanie on again. He nods and makes signal for Harry to start walking.
Harry follows him, but none of them really know their destiny.
There are so many people on the street, so different, with so many bizarre hair colours, with different ways of dressing, some of them don't even look like they feel cold like Louis... He could be easily distracted by them, observing them with interest like he usually does. But he doesn't. He is walking with Harry next to him. Harry Styles.
It's just awkward because no one would say they were supposedly walking together because they look like normal people mixed in the crowd. Strangers.
And they actually are strangers. Technically.
"Louis." Harry calls him and Louis stops, in the middle of the path and looks back where Harry is two steps away from him. People walk past by them but they aren't really there at the moment for the two men. "Where do you want to go? I mean, we are just walking..."
"And don't you want to?"
"I thought you wanted to talk..." He answers and it's almost impossible for Louis to understand.
And I do want to talk, but first I want to spend time with you, Louis thinks but doesn't say a word.
"We can walk to my car and I can drive us somewhere. Wherever you want to." Since when do you drive and own a car? "Or do you have your own car parked?"
He shakes his head and walks towards Harry. The younger man gets it as starting walking to his car, parked somewhere, and he just hopes his guess is correct.
They drive all the way back and stop on a small parking lot closer to the place Harry works. The car isn't like Louis expected. I mean, his family is rich and looking at the green small car in front of him makes him think that maybe they are broke now. It's not probable but he needs to guess things before knowing the truth.
Harry opens it and gets in on the driver seat after making signal to Louis do the same on the passenger seat.
It's weird being sat there, now in such a small space where it doesn't even smell like Harry. It smells nice, but not like Harry. More like those air fresheners for cars.
Harry puts the keys and gets ready to start the car when Louis raises his hands and is about to put his above Harry's to stop him. He stops midway and his sentence is cut as well. Harry notices though and stops, looking at him.
Louis pulls his hand away and rests it on his lap. He knows he can't touch Harry. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
"Let's just stay here." He needs to talk now or he will open this door and walk away.
He opens the window a bit for air and inspects the door in case he needs to escape.
"Okay." Harry says and at least Louis can still recognise when he is uncomfortable.
Both take a deep breath and Louis clenches his fists looking forward. "How are you?" He asks and it's actually pathetic but needed. Because Louis truly wants to know the honest answer for this.
"I am... Good?"
"No," he looks at the side, at Harry, being faced with a confused expression. "I want us to be honest here. I don't care if this is not important for you, it is for me and I need this conversation to feel okay with life. You get it? So please, honest and secure answers only." And wow Louis feels confident out of sudden.
Harry nods. "If you want me to be honest with you then I need to say that this is important for me too." He says, and Harry doesn't look calm and his tone doesn't sound like those last times, it sounds pretty serious.
Louis can't say he doesn't believe in it. Or can he?
"And I am okay. I mean, apart from the fact that I spent this last month knowing you are closer than I expected and we didn't have a nice talk like I intended to. I was okay." Was.
Louis looks down and shuts his eyes for some seconds. "You expected me to react well after seeing you?"
"No, but sure didn't expect what happened. I thought you would let me speak at least once... to be heard." Louis nods instead of speaking. If that he would be losing his temper and shouting again. "I wanted to talk to you, nicely. I wanted to hear your questions and ask another ones. That's why I was trying to keep calm."
"I needed to let out those things, I needed to say it."
"I understand." No you don't. "But I wanted to explain myself and say what I wanted to say."
"Okay, you have your chance now, I will hear you." Louis says, looking at his lap and sometimes changing to look forward.
"I own you an apology and I know you don't want to hear it," you are right, I don't. "but I need to. I'm so sorry, Louis."
"You are sorry for what, more precisely?" He asks trying to sound strict but kinda failing it when sounds weak after deciding to look at the green eyed guy.
"For..." There's a pause. "For leaving." Louis nods and presses his lips tightly. Harry is showing emotions and at least he can make Louis understand how painful it is to say this out loud.
It's been years but this is still so important.
There are so many things Louis wants to ask but he would need too much time to sort his ideas.
"Okay..." He repeats. "Why?"
"Wh-why, what?" He stutters
"Why didn't you say goodbye? You did know you were leaving didn't you?" Harry nods as an answer.
"I couldn't say goodbye. I was just being selfish. I didn't want to tell you I was going to leave, see your face while I was telling you, saying goodbye would be the worst thing, I didn't see myself doing it. I couldn't imagine us saying goodbye, without knowing when we were going to see each other again. If we could even talk to each other again."
"So it was easier leaving that way?" Louis asks wryly and he almost wants to laugh.
"It wasn't, believe me but at least I didn't see how... How you looked knowing I was gone."
"You're an asshole." Louis wasn't supposed to say this out loud but he is just being honest. And apparently Harry agrees because he nods.
"I was. I was a big asshole, that's why I never allowed myself to feel pity because I deserved everything," you didn't "I could have done things differently but I was only thinking about myself."
"When? Or since when?"
And this time Harry understand and answers it as if he was having an interview. "Long time. When we came back from those vacations in Liverpool, remember?" How could I ever forget? I remember everything. Especially that. "When my parents... Saw us."
"You said they were okay with everything now. You kept lying to me? Was that it? You said everything was okay!" He almost shouts but no, he breathes, smelling the air from the car, and keeps his hands on the side of his thighs.
"I lied a lot Louis, after that day I just... I wasn't okay and every time I was away from you were moments I was wasting." That's why he called saying he missed me.
"I can't believe this." He takes his hands to his hair. "So you just moved to here with your parents? Just like that? Because they found out you were gay?"
"No!" He says somehow perplexed and something tells Louis that is by the mention of his parents. "We moved to America."
"Oh my god. Please explain to me everything, I mean, everything."
And is Harry's turn to nod.
~*~
» I didn't want to end this here but it would take me too long to write the rest and wanted to update now. So big development next chapter (and this, sort of) so expect big things. what can you say about the reason why harry left? what do you expect it is his life now? who is the blonde guy for harry?