Repudiation-
To be in denial of the truth
...
Chapter 8
April 29th 1943
Surrey, England
Zayn
Back in the stuffy bleak room of the crowded medic class. Zayn sat back in his seat reminiscing the moment him and Liam had shared. He thought it strange how Liam had looked at him. How he got so close and his nose, how it rubbed into his.
Zayn closed his eyes and focused on the warmth still left upon his lips where Liam's breath had touched. Those tasty warm mocha orbs gazing deep into his eyes like he was so close to finding out his deeply hidden secret, his true feelings for the latter and what he was.
'A disgrace to the world' Zayn's eyes shot open and he shifted a leg over his knee. There was arousal stirring up at the pit of his stomach and we'll this was not the place to have a freaking boner.
Ugh but those lips, those plump cotton candy lips, nearly touching touching his. Liam was—Liam was going to kiss him!
The young boy sat up in his seat and ran a hand through his damp jet black hair. The reminder still there from what had happened just minutes ago. Both of them were stark naked. Zayn was clinging onto the bigger muscular man while he was bare, how could he have forgotten?
Then Liam stopped him beckoning him closer and closer and they just stood there staring into each other's eyes like they were so captivated by the gaze they'd both had given each other.
"Shit." He muttered in a very low inaudible whisper. Zayn slipped his other hand into his hair, his fingers tangling in his strands as he pulled at the roots. "I've got to tell him."
The worst of his fears...the time had finally come but how?
Three months of waiting, evading, faking, lying, pretending and standing clear of the other man just so he could try to get over him so he would never have to tell him like Harry had told him. He was terrified that Liam would just be another Shawn who'd laugh in his face, spread his secret to the rest of the men in the camp without a care all to mock him and give him exactly what he deserved. A punishment for his sick abnormal trait which he was cursed with for whatever reason, at birth.
Now, this day had to happen. Zayn had to give in and accept Liam's offer and it lead them to that. He let himself become so vulnerable to the latter. Since the beginning he had been so vulnerable and now this-
"Malik? Did you get any of that down." Interrupted Zayn's medic teacher, scolding him with a quirked brow.
Zayn lifted his dazed eyes to the much older man standing before his desk with his arms behind his back awaiting him to answer.
"Yes." He flat out lied.
His medic teacher gave him a look of disbelief. "So tell me then, how is a wounded soldier to be transported to safety on the battlefield?" He quizzed.
The young boy paused to glance at the chalkboard behind the teacher yet because of his terrible eyesight he could see nothing except for a massive scribbled white blur. He looked back to his teacher and gave him a wide innocent grin.
"Um." He began, thinking of all he learned in the past including his own common sense to use. "You carry them on a stretcher, yeah?"
His medic teacher crossed his arms and cocked his head forward to the side like he was very unimpressed with Zayn's answer. "Wrong Mr. Malik. That is only when you have enough free men on the field."
"You can stay during passing period to copy down the lesson." His teacher basically ordered before proceeding on with his teaching.
Zayn sat back in his chair, disappointed in himself as his classmates stared at him with looks of shock.
It was rare Zayn ever got called out in class because usually he was always so concentrated and quiet at his desk. At times the teacher sometimes even forgot he was there in the corner copying down notes. So it was odd to him that he had even been noticed by the medic professor.
~
As dinner approached Zayn was growing anxious by every second that went by closer to the time he'd have to face Liam once again. Yet this time he wasn't thinking of letting their moment from earlier go because there was this nagging feeling eating at him with the constant fact that Zayn would never think of Liam as the same.
He'd only fall deeper in love with him to the point it would be hopeless and he'd be sick with depression and disgust with himself for the things he'd be wanting from the older man but he would have to keep from him because he was a coward. He couldn't handle holding his feelings in that long and acting like he was perfectly fine with Liam being his friend when he wasn't.
He soon came to terms that like Harry had said. Perhaps telling Liam he liked him would at least be finally be out there and maybe he'd be able to find some sort of closure that would lift that heavy stress off his chest. That is if Liam didn't pull a Shawn...that would about destroy all the confidence Zayn had left and most likely fuck him up for good.
"Afternoon!" Harry happily greeted Zayn at the door of the cafeteria.
Zayn turned to the slightly younger boy, walking on into the cafeteria. "Hey." He greeted back without emotion.
Harry caught on right away to Zayn's tone and he went straight into his overly protective mode. "What's wrong?"
Zayn knew better than to lie to Harry because this guy had became so good at reading him. He feared Harry was a low key psychic of some kind and well that was enough for him to not dare lie to him as much as he used to. He didn't want to take the chance with him.
Hell, Harry was able to get the whole truth out of him last time. He was a mastermind at this type of mental stuff. There was no use in lying to THE Mr. Styles.
"A lot." Zayn sighed, combing a hand through his messy hair. "I have to tell him."
At first Harry began to frown in confusion but within seconds as realization hit him his expression morphed into astonishment. "You mean tell Liam?" He whispered as they grabbed a tray from the beginning of the food counter.
"Yeah." Zayn nodded. He paused a moment while one of servers scooped up some slimy chunky substance and dumped it onto his plate. It took all Zayn's will power to keep himself from gagging.
"We almost kissed." He whispered in a more quieter tone as they moved on to the next person that was serving some thick white paste.
"What?" Harry quietly gasped with widened eyes. "Are you seri-A-Are you sure?"
Zayn gave him another nod. "We went swimming..." he paused again, watching as the man plopped the smelly steamy mush onto his plate.
"He was teaching me, I lost balance and he caught me then I was ready to hop out but he stopped me and-" he trailed off as the next server placed a dry slice of bread onto an empty spot on his plate. "Thanks" Zayn lightly smiled before stepping aside to wait for his friend.
Once Harry was done getting his slice of bread they walked together to the water table to grab themselves a cup of that nasty lukewarm water they had grown to love.
"He got close to me and he was leaning in and then we just stood there, our lips just inches away." Zayn licked his lips at the memory. He really wished Liam would have made that move so all his fears of rejection would vanish. "None of us made a move though and well the bugle sounded and I about booked it out of there."
"Damn." Harry said whilst he set a full cup of water onto Zayn's tray. "Do you want to sit at the empty table or-"
"No I'll sit at our table." Zayn answered in an instant.
It was time for him to man up and take on what he was so afraid of yet so head over heals over, Liam James Payne.
"Like you said in January...I'm gonna have to tell him at some point and I think this is it."
"Zayn." Harry was worried about if his friend was truly ready for that. "Are you sure, mate?"
"I mean-" Zayn shrugged slowly walking them towards their half full table.
Luckily Liam wasn't sitting in his spot yet. He was a bit relieved "-I can't keep this up anymore. You know me lying to Liam and ignoring him majority of the time and shit. And after what happened today I think now I'm ready. I'm scared, I won't lie but Harry you told me this was going to happen so I'm taking your advice and I'm gonna do it!"
Reaching their table, Zayn set his tray onto the painted wood and continued, taking a seat.
"Your happy with Louis. You spent your birthday in his office the entire time. And since then you've been glowing like the moon at its fullest."
"I want to be happy, why can't I? I've been so scared all this time because I thought I was a monster and I was afraid of what would happen if that stuff came out. Like how Liam would react but during that time I had to think over everything I realized that once I do get this off my chest I'd be happy whether or not Liam would accept me."
Okay that was a bit of a lie. He only shared that to sound like he really did not care and was prepared when in reality nope Zayn was still terrified, if not even more so than he was before.
Point is he just needed to get it out before it would ruin him...either way it would ruin him in different ways so like it mattered.
Harry sighed, sitting beside his serious sounding friend. He took in Zayn's entire speech and well he couldn't quite argue with him. He did suggest to him that telling Liam was the only way to cope with his feelings and let it go but Harry was not sure that Zayn was ready for that leap of faith.
Zayn was much more insecure than he was and Harry didn't blame him. He once was in his shoes long ago but because Zayn was that way for a longer time, Harry felt he needed a lot more time till then. But if Zayn's gut feeling told him to take that leap than so be it.
What was Harry to do? He wasn't Zayn so he didn't know exactly what went on inside his head. Maybe he was ready and Harry was just being paranoid. He'd still be there and support him the entire time and even after. He'd pick Zayn up from his long drop and do all he could to put him back together.
"Fair enough." Harry smiled softly. "I understand, Zayn. I one hundred percent support you in your decision. If you feel it is time then bio mean." His face then hardened. "If Liam breaks your heart though, I swear I'll let him have it. Mark my words." He swore to his mate in a much serious voice.
Zayn let out a light laugh at Harry's threatening promise. "Thanks, Mate. I don't think you'd need to do that. Ya can't get mad at him for not liking me."
Harry gave him a shrug "Ya but you know, if he's a true friend he'd accept you and if not then he deserves a nice Glasgow kiss."
The raven haired boy just rolled his eyes. His friend was a bit overreactive about Liam's possible rejection. If Liam didn't like him yeah Zayn would be hurt but it's not like he could force Liam into liking him. If he was straight than who cared you can't get mad at him for his preferences. Still Zayn found it really odd how Liam was so close to kissing him earlier that day. Maybe he was curious or caught up in the moment like that one time...
Suddenly a tray was set down across from him and Zayn immediately snapped his head up.
His eyes met Liam's warm brown pair and that was it; anxiety built up inside of him, his fingers tingled and his heart sped up. He needed a cigarette. A perfect excuse to take it outside before he'd make an absolute fool of himself in front of everyone.
"Hey."
Zayn shut his mouth; he only then noticed it was open and he couldn't help but glare for no apparent reason.
His words got stuck in his throat. He could not reply to the man that had to be so god damn casual and gorgeous all at the same time. How was he not affected by the day's events?!
Instead of answering Zayn decided to turn to Harry who was busy chatting with their friends Niall and Ed across from them and he anxiously tapped his shoulder.
The curly haired boy abruptly turned his head to Zayn and he gave him a knowing smile. "Yeah?"
Using his idea as an excuse Zayn opened his mouth and let him know it was time in his own hinted way. "I'm gonna go have a ciggy up front. Be right back."
Harry flashed him a quick wink just as Zayn pulled himself up from his seat and walked out.
Not once did Zayn glance at Liam on his way out. He relied on Harry to maybe give Liam the push to follow him.
In a way Zayn hoped Liam hadn't gotten the message he was trying to send out for he was now shaking out of control. Zayn was unsure if he was having some kind of seizure or what.
It took him three matches to light his cigarette from how heavy he was breathing.
In his first puff Zayn's cigarette nearly fell from his twitching fingers yet as he brought his cigarette back up to his lips and he took another drag the nicotine finally kicked in and helped calm him almost instantly.
The door far at the center of the building opened. Zayn immediately leaned back into the wall behind him and got in place, trying to play it cool.
"Hey." Liam smiled as he approached him with his hands tucked into his front pockets of his Army pants.
Withdrawing the cigarette from his mouth, Zayn parted his lips slightly letting the white smoke ooze from his mouth as he slowly turned his body to the handsome muscular man standing at his side.
"Hey yourself." He greeted shyly in return after he fully exhaled out all that was left from his mouth.
Anxious to keep them talking Zayn looked down to his cigarette in his right hand, nestled between his two fingers and he decided to offer it to Liam. "Want a drag?"
Liam eyed the burning cig in his finger longingly like he was craving so badly to have a drag but he pulled back a bit, refraining himself from accepting.
"No thanks." He kindly rejected with a strong shake of his head.
Zayn didn't know why but he found himself throwing the cigarette down onto the ground and before he could react he was already stubbing it into the dirt with the toe of his shoe. There went his one stress reliever.
'You idiot!' Zayn was ready to tear his hair out but no this was it he had to grow a pair and get out what he needed to. He was already this far now he needed to finish.
Forcing his head back up Zayn, drew in an inhumanly long breath as Liam stood there waiting to listen to what he had to say. It was like his entire body was trying to keep him from coming out but he was fighting it back.
"Liam I-" Zayn faltered back into the wall, struggling to keep his eyes on the beautiful man in front of him as he spoke. The very man he very well could lose once he'd come out to him. "This will be a lot for you to take in but I can't-I can't keep this in any longer I-"
Liam leaned the side of his body into the wooden wall beside the uneasy boy and he crossed his arms together. He gave Zayn a comforting intent look to help show him he was listening to him and was ready to hear whatever he needed to get off his chest.
Zayn acknowledged his looks and he was actually pleased by Liam's actions. For some reason he felt a boost of confidence though he still was scared out of his mind.
With a thick swallow, Zayn looked into Liam's mocha eyes and just forced himself to come out with it and get it over with though his tongue refused to let out the agonizing truth within him. It was as if his mind was wanting him to suffer but no, he wasn't going to let it. He was in control of himself not his mind.
Zayn opened his mouth between another gulp battling against his unmoving tongue"I'm -I-" His skin then began to profusely sweat and he felt like his body was legit on fire. The flames he could feel licking towards the tips of his ears and across his cheeks.
This was not easy. Not even close to the word easy. For him to come out to a straight man he had a deep crush on since he had met him was beyond terrifying.
"Liam-" Zayn kept his eyes on him though it was so hard.
He stabilized his breath as he finally pushed it out against his fighting tongue.
"I'm gay."
Liam's eyes widened but they seemed fairly calm as a bit of shock filled the corners of them.
He didn't seem to surprised as he did a quick once over Zayn's lean body like he was assessing his mannerisms and build but then he gave another look almost like he knew there was more Zayn was hiding and that made Zayn's anxiety even worse if it was possible for it to get any worse.
He was counting down seconds till he'd begin feeling the effects of an attack approaching his overly anxious body.
Liam's chocolate eyes then trained fully on him with that same look "And?" He pressed on in a calm voice.
Now this was it. This was the big moment. There was no backing out now. Liam already saw it in him. He knew there was more. Zayn could tell by the way Liam continued looking at him so intensely. There was no hiding it anymore.
"I don't know how to say this." Zayn nervously admitted.
His body was visibly shaking at this point but Zayn could do nothing about it. Liam for sure noticed but thankfully he chose not to comment on it.
If he had asked Zayn about it, Zayn feared he wouldn't gain back the courage in telling Liam his true feelings.
"You'll be disgusted with me." Zayn thought to warn just in case.
Liam frowned in a way that showed Zayn his disappointment in him for not trusting him.
Zayn felt a bit bad for his actions. He did trust Liam. He really did...actually he more than trusted him he was just scared. Scared of himself. Scared of the outcome after he'd confess his feelings to him. Scared of how Liam would react.
God, he wished he had smoked the rest of that crushed cigarette in the ground. He hadn't merely enough nicotine to get him through this.
"Just go on, I won't be disgusted. Promise. Your my best mate." Liam encouraged him in a soft promising tone.
But Zayn shook his head in disagreement. It was no doubt in Zayn's mind that Liam would be disgusted. You'd be insane not to be if a person of the same sex who was your best mate admitted they were basically in love with you. Especially in that decade, he was sure he'd end up being in some kind of trouble over it.
And with those distracting thoughts Zayn's confession randomly spilled from his mouth in a quiet small voice that even himself could barely hear.
"I have feelings for you."
Zayn didn't know why exactly but just as he realized he had made his confession he dropped his eyes and retreated back a bit like a dog with its tail between its legs.
He had lost all his confidence in that moment and now since it was out he couldn't quite run like he so desperately wanted to do. After all you can't always run from these type of things and well that wasn't quite the main reason why Zayn didn't run but he was definitely cowering out. He couldn't even look Liam straight in the eyes anymore.
"Zayn." Liam's voice had changed. It was as low as a baritone and rasp like one would sound when they'd have a cold yet Liam's voice was strikingly hot and—What was he thinking? It meant nothing.
He was probably freaking out...maybe even close to tears by his disgust, that Zayn his one and only best mate had romantic feelings towards him.
'Real disgusting'
Zayn didn't dare answer him. He stood there trying his hardest to keep stable from having an actual anxiety attack. He could feel his chest tightening and the sudden need to vomit.
His head was clouding and his body was now losing all feeling, inside and out. He didn't know where his blood had gone but he felt like it had all drained and now he was just a walking corpse ready to fall over unconscious.
The young sickened boy swallowed back the sour vile rising in his throat. It had been thirty seconds now since Zayn had confessed—not that Zayn was counting-okay maybe he was but what else could he do?
Liam was standing there like a fucking gorgeous idiot while Zayn was looking like he was ready to go mental or die or both all at the same time.
Did Liam think one call of Zayn's name would do anything? What a real big charming, charismatic, breathtaking, handsome fool!
Annoyed by the silence and low key very close to puking, Zayn decided to finally open his mouth; only to end the overly loud silence, so he could run to the bathrooms and purge out all his overly toxic fears and anxieties and whatever else in the toilet. And he spoke..
"Look I understand-" suddenly out of nowhere his voice was silenced by a pair of warm moist tasty mint lips smashing against his and Zayn—he could of sworn he had blacked out right in that moment and gone to heaven.
He was not at all expecting Liam to make that move he had failed earlier that day. Zayn was too busy focusing on the dark dirt ground under his booted feet. He didn't notice the older man leaning into him seconds ago.
Zayn stupidly kept his eyes open wide in shock while watching Liam's eyelids squeeze close as he moved his lips against Zayn's stilled mouth.
'What the fuck is happening?!' Zayn was in a state of denial. It had to be some wonderful day dream or maybe it was a sick nightmare the universe fated him with. This could not have been happening. Liam was straight not gay or bi, just straight. Straight as a wooden ruler.
This was far too surreal to be real. This doesn't just happen. Not in the twentieth century, not in the nineteen forties, not ever.
But that sharp nip at his bottom lip felt so real and he could feel it. Feel the pain from the slight bite and the wetness of the mouth moving so gently upon his.
That was enough for Zayn to accept what was happening. Whether it was a dream or not fuck it! Instead of wasting his time standing their like a statue why not he enjoy it?
So Zayn's eyes rolled back into his head and he moved forward, cautiously moving his lips in sync with Liam's amazing plump lips which he had now fallen so addicted to.
It was almost like he had been given some sort of numbing narcotic.
His anxiety, the urge to vomit, his uncontrollable shaking had all dissipated and been replaced by something he didn't quite know how to explain, even to himself.
Whatever it was it just felt a hundred times better than the nicotine in several packs of cigarettes and as strong as a dosage of morphine, including every other pain reliever there was on the planet that made one feel so over the clouds.
Yet within seconds Zayn's amazing high was short lived.
The moment Liam cupped Zayn's jaw to deepen their kiss and slipped his tongue into Zayn's mouth, where their tongues met Liam abruptly pulled away, dropping his hand immediately. He then began shaking his head like a mad man.
"No, no, no, no, no, no." Liam stepped away from Zayn who was still trying to register their heated kiss. He broke into slight chuckle as his hands raised up into his brunette hair and tugged at his locks.
Liam looked absolutely insane. Tugging his hair chanting a long strings of no's and shaking his head from side to side like a mentally ill patient. "No no no no no no no no."
Returning back to reality Zayn didn't know what else to do but step forward and try to comfort Liam to calm him. "Liam?"
The older boy stopped and he whipped his head to the concerned raven haired boy, tears now in his eyes. "No" Liam snapped firmly before turning and running off to god knows where.
Bewildered by the whole situation Zayn's back crashed into the wall behind him and he slid down to his knees.
Everything happened so fast, Liam just kissed him and Zayn would be lying if he said it wasn't the best thing that had ever happened in his life yet Liam ended it nearly as soon as he initiated it, crying as he kept repeating no like it was the only chant he knew. Then he was gone.
Another Shawn.
Tears formed into the corners of Zayn's eyes and a lump arose in his throat making him want to cry, sob even because of the painful outcome he knew would happen. What the hell did he expect?
Zayn brought his palms over his face and he gave into the growing urge to cry.
How could he be so stupid? Thinking this shit would actually go right for him when all it did was break his already injured heart into two.
"I'm such an idiot!" Zayn banged his head back onto the wall ignoring the sharp pain that shot up from his skull.
He deserved it. He deserved it all. All the pain, misfortune and bullshit in the world he deserved because he was a homosexual.
No one loved a homosexual. Homosexuals were nothing but a disease in society that needed to exterminated and killed off the face of the earth. Being drafted was actually perfect for him, that way he could willingly get shot and killed. He'd be one less pest in the world.
"Zayn?" Called a concerned Cheshire tone.
Sniffling Zayn blinked up to his one true friend Harry who was standing in front of his with his hands hanging from his sides.
"Shit." Harry crouched down and pulled Zayn into his arms, allowing the broken hearted boy cry into his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I should've known. That fucking twat I swear I'll rip his balls off with my bare hands."
"No." Zayn sniffed as he shook his head.
"He hurt you, Zayn!" Harry exclaimed angrily though his hand calmly rubbed his friend's back.
Zayn pushed off from Harry's shoulder and wiped his damp face "Who fucking cares!" He shouted. "It was bound to happen! We both knew it!"
Harry's brows creased in deep concern. "Zayn, Mate-"
Zayn cut him off with strong shake of his head. "No, Harry do you not get it? People like us don't deserve happiness! Your lucky I'll admit but you don't deserve it! You know that in the end what you and Louis have is wrong! It's wrong!" He began laughing hysterically out of nowhere. "We're fags, fucking fags. We're fucked up! No one cares about us!"
"Fuck!" Harry closed his eyes, drawing in a steady calm breath from his nose and exhaling it out softly from his mouth. "None of that is true, Zayn." He calmly remarked as he opened back his soft eyes.
The raven haired boy abruptly stood up and snorted down at Harry still crouching. "Oh it is. It is our fate to die and here we are." He gestured around them. "Soon we'll be on the frontlines, Allah's fun way of finishing us off. We won't survive a second on the battlefield."
Harry sighed, slowly picking himself up. "That's not true." He repeated in a serious tone. "I understand how you feel. It sucks I know but you need to let it go. Liam is a fucking asshole. He's not worth your time."
Zayn let out another wild laugh at the mention of that beautiful jackass. "You know he kissed me. Meaning he initiated our kiss then he pulled away going mad. That's a perfect reminder of how sick we are."
It didn't quite occur to Zayn that his statement made no sense but Harry understood. He understood what Zayn was going through. It was the only way of numbing himself from the cruel rejection he endured.
"Zayn-"
"No you know what?" Zayn turned to him with fists at his hips. "Fuck it. I will let it go but nothing will change me and how I feel. I've accepted my fate. I'll die happily in the hands of my god Allah in the right way. My parents would be pleased. They're very religious after all and you know me being a queer is haram. I accept my punishment and the judgement I'd receive!"
With that and a strong sniff of his nose Zayn turned and stormed off towards the barracks though he hadn't the authorization to return there yet. In that moment he really didn't give a flying fuck.
Harry covered his face with his palms and let out a long deep sigh. He knew Zayn was speaking nonsense because of Liam's rejection but he still worried for Zayn. The older boy was unstable. Harry knew all along he wasn't ready for this but Zayn was determined to get it over with and who was Harry to say he shouldn't.
Harry wished he could help him and make him feel better but for now he needed to let Zayn have his space and time so he could cool off.
As for Liam...Harry rubbed his hands down his face and he glared into the darkness like he knew Liam was there lurking around, enjoying the sight. He'd be sure to make that asshole pay.
~
At the dark moonlit river Liam bent over, hand gripping his knees to catch his breath.
Everything was too much for Liam to handle. Zayn, that rare diamond piece that had his perfect world turning upside down.
The brunette rose up, stumbling back a bit before he grounded himself in place in the dirt.
He ran his tongue over his lips to taste what was left of that boy. That boy he ran from in fear. That brave boy who stood up and confessed his feelings.
Liam should've saw it coming but he didn't. Ironically he thought he was the only one experiencing these issues but Zayn, fucking Zayn, he was beyond that. He was gay while Liam was just curious and he was freaking out over that while Zayn stood strong coming out to him. Liam felt like a coward compared to that tough strong boy but then he fucked it all up.
He couldn't help it though. His mind was a mess with all these mixed thoughts of what he thought of Zayn liking him. It was great, he was flattered but at the same time he was horrified because he shouldn't have had these feelings for Zayn. He shouldn't have been okay with Zayn's confession nor should he have kissed him.
That kiss spread the fire he was trying to put out within him. The fire that could consume him and have him killed if he wasn't careful.
Since Liam was a child, he never ever thought in his life he'd deal with such a life changing situation. He was always so distracted by the lies and beauties of the world that was shoved in his face. Course his one bitch girlfriend, now ex, was a good wake up call to how shitty the world really was although it didn't prepare him enough for this.
The curiosity of what it would be like with another man. To kiss, to fuck and to just have a normal relationship, with a person of the same sex as him.
He never even found guys attractive until he saw Zayn and only Zayn.
He never had a doubt about his sexuality until he met Zayn. He never had a single thought of what it would be like being gay until he met Zayn. It'd always been women for him. Women. women. women but now the only thing on his mind was Zayn. Zayn. Zayn.
"Ugh" Liam grabbed his face and dragged his finger down his skin in frustration. "I can't stop thinking about him!"
The thing was, this was completely wrong. These feelings. The curiosity. It was all wrong.
Under the eyes of the law it was mental criminal behavior.
He remembered hearing his parents talk negatively about queers. He'd obliviously sit by and agree as a child. That was before he met a few gay friends who made him think otherwise.
' "You ever encounter a queer Liam you scream and run the other way!" Liam's mother ordered, pulling a sharp needle through the thin fabric of her needle point.
Across their street a neighbor was being escorted from their house in hand cuffs.
Mr. Robinson's eldest son who was nearly twenty one, had been caught in bed with the boy next door who was only two years younger than him.
Liam, eight at the time, had absolutely no idea what was going on. The only thing his mother told him was that Robinson's son had done bad things to the other boy. Liam being so young and innocent just listened to everything his mother had to say and nodded obediently to her.
It wasn't until year 12 in secondary school Liam had actually encountered two gay men who happened to be his friends that secretly were dating. He had walked in on them making out in the empty music room at the school.
He was shocked by the sight as they were shocked themselves to see Liam standing at the door with his mouth hanging wide open.
Liam didn't know how to react but those guys were his friends. He couldn't judge them for what they were. It's not like they ever tried anything on him like his mother always warned him. They were the kindest guys he had ever known. Surely there was some misunderstanding his mother had.
The last two years of secondary school Liam agreed to keep his friends relationship on the down low but unfortunately like Robinson's son's fate they were caught one morning together by one of the boy's mothers and Liam never saw nor heard from them again. '
There was other gay people he had met later in his life and all were the same. Kind and almost normal seeming but they all had the same unfortunate similar events happen to them.
Homosexuals never had easy lives because their lifestyles were illegal. And to think himself to possibly be one was a nightmare to Liam because he didn't want to turn out like all the others.
To be caught and locked away in either prison or the looney bin. He wasn't even sure if he could handle the reactions his parents would have when/if they'd find out their only son whom they loved so much turned against them by succumbing to that nasty disease called homosexuality.
Liam shivered at the thought but his mind. His god damn mind had him thinking of that precious boy Zayn. His heart, mind and soul wanted him in so many ways he shouldn't have been imagining. He couldn't help it though and that made him afraid.
Why was this happening to him? Did he do something wrong that pushed the universe into doing this to him? Was he walking away from God and the devil was now intervening and running his life?
All Liam ever wanted was to do good in his life. That was all he had been doing especially when he was with Sophia. He was trying to be a good man in a healthy relationship, he really was trying but then Sophia had to ruin everything by cheating on him and getting herself pregnant by the man she cheated with him. All because Liam was trying to do what was right by glorifying God with his attempt.
None of it added up to him.
Later that night Liam still was trying to add up everything but again nothing did. He was constantly tossing and turning in his bunk as questioning thoughts flooded his sleepless mind. There was no escaping this horrid nightmare.
One thing for sure, he could never face Zayn ever again and give in to that sinful feeling. He swore he wouldn't but only time and destiny would decide his fate in its own wicked nature.
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Wowie! What a chapter, am I right?
So what ya guys think? Hehe Liam being an asshole or what?
Talking about Liam, seriously what do you guys think is going on with him? 🤔
As for Zayn, do you think he'll be okay?
And Harry hehe y'all think he'll really confront Liam or nah? 😏
Whelp I think I'll update soon so keep your notifs on because next chapter is another chapter you won't wanna miss 😌
Anyone want to make a prediction? Comment here 😘
If you enjoyed this chapter please leave a vote and a comment 🌹
Much love ❤️💛