Chapter 01 - Pride is all I have
April 29, 2019
"Hindi naman kailangan Miz." Nagpupumiglas si Lee habang dinadala siya ni Mizzy sa isang mamahaling boutique.
"Anong hindi kailangan?! You're attending a grand reunion. Hindi lang basta batch lang natin! Which means—"
"Which means, I'll be meeting Julius Javier."
"Puro ka Julius Javier! Julius Javier! Bakit hindi ka magrelax at mag-enjoy. Just like before? What happened to my perky high school friend?!" Niyugyog niya ang mga balikat ni Lee as if she's trying to wake a sleeping soul inside her.
"Alam mo namang hindi na ako pwedeng magrelax-relax ngayon Mizzy. Hindi na 'to katulad 'nung high school tayo. Iba na ngayon."
Bumagsak ang mga balikat ni Mizzy.
"Fine, fine." Mizzy smiled. "At dahil iba na ngayon, ako naman ang manlilibre sa'yo." Ibinalik nito kay Lee ang sinasabi nito kanina.
"Mizzy..."
"It's my turn to pamper you this time, Lee."
Mizzy called the saleslady at nagturo ng kung ano-anong dress. Maxi dress. Slip dress. Lace dress. Pati na rin 'yung little black dress na pagkaliit-liit, kinuha ni Mizzy at pinapasukat kay Lee.
"Ang dami, Miz! Hanggang tatlo lang pwede isukat." Turo nila sa signboard na nakalagay sa labas ng fitting hall.
"Ano ka ba. Pwede 'yan! Regular naman ako dito. 'Di ba Miss?"
Ngumiti lang ang sales lady as she leads Lee inside.
One by one, isinukat ni Lee ang nga damit. And also slowly, her confidence started to drain out of her body. She was so slim now na hindi niya na kayang magsuot ng ganito na hindi nagmumukhang hanger. Unlike before where she can sport any clothes on the rack.
In between changing at kapag hinuhubad pa ni Lee ang damit at nakikita ang sarili sa harap ng salamin in this well-lit fitting room, mas lalo siyang naliwanagan sa laki ng ipinagbago niya. She an even see some of her ribs protruding when she inhales. Sobrang payat niya.
She just smiled at herself at pinakiramdaman kung may nararamdaman pa siyang sakit.
Parang wala na.
Lee didn't know if she just got better now or she just felt a little less of everything. Manhid na kumabaga.
Despite knowing the sadness and darkness looming over her, she just wanna live stably. She just want to exist peacefully.
"Ano na, Lee? May napili ka na? Patingin nga."
"Ito na."
In the end, Lee chose the beige maxi dress. Not that it was the most fabulously fitting with her body, pero ito lang kasi 'yung pinaka low-key. Even though she knew that she would definitely attract attention for going into the grand reunion for the first time in almost 8 years, she still wants to try to be inconspicuous.
She hopes to be.
"We'll have facial. Spa. And slimming session sa Aivee. Pagkatapos 'nun—"
"Teka-teka. Parang huwag na dapat. Reunion lang naman punta natin bakit kailangang may mga gano'n pa?"
"Excuse me. Reunion lang? Bakit mo nila-lang? Malaking bagay 'to sa'yo Lee. I'm your friend kaya dapat marinig mo sa'kin 'yung totoo lang. Kaibigan mo 'ko kaya hindi ka na dapat mahiya sa'kin. At kaibigan mo 'ko kaya deserve ko naman sigurong marinig 'yung totoo. Don't pretend that this reunion was not a big of a deal because I knew it is, Lee. It is for you."
Lee kept her eyes on the floor. And Mizzy knew she was spot on. It is a big thing for her.
"I'm not attending to see Od--"
"Okay... If you're not going to see Odi, okay."
"Believe me. Kailangan ko lang talagang makita si Julius."
"Okay... okay..."
"Ang akin lang, hindi na naman kailangang may facial-facial pa. May slimming session pa? Miz, napakagastos."
"I have money now, Lee. Hindi sobrang dami pero kaya ko 'to kaya ko ino-offer. At hindi ko pa rin nakakalimutan lahat ng mga naitulong mo sa'kin when we were young. From elem to high school, sobrang dami, L. Kaya bago ako magdrama dito, tanggapin mo na lahat ng binibigay ko. Huwag ka ng ma-pride."
Lee smiled bitterly.
"Pride is all I have now."
"Tsk!" Mizelea chuckled. "Ano ka ba. You have me. Nandito ako Lee, 'di ba?"
She felt a little tingle on her face. Akala ni Lee, maiiyak na siya, but she only managed a yawn.
"I know..."
They hugged.
"Sige na. Sige na. Huwag na nga 'yang slimming slimming sesh na 'yan. Ang payat mo na nga pala." Mizzy laughed as she tries to make everything light. "Facial na lang ,okay? Mura lang 'yon. Pramis."
Tumango na lang si Lee. Mizzy wrapped her arms on Lee's again at naglakad sila ng mas mabilis.
"If you don't mind me asking, ano bang kailangan mo kay Julius Javier? Work?"
Lee nodded.
"Of course, work." Mizzy replied wistfully. "Anong meron? Bakit kailangan sa reunion pa kayo magkita 'nun? Bawal ba magpasched na lang ng meeting sa kanya? I'm sure naman kahit gaano pa siya ka-successful ngayon, may space pa naman siguro sa sched niya 'no?"
"Wala daw talaga eh. Next month pa daw available niya."
"Weh?! Maniwala?"
"Oo nga daw. That's why I'm taking this chance... I really need this. I really need him."
Hindi muna nakapagsalita si Mizzy. Her eyes started to radiate so much pity na kahit si Lee na bahagya lang tumingin ay ramdam na ramdam ito.
"Don't feel bad Miz. It's okay."
"I don't feel bad. I feel sad that you're saying that sentence with a completely different meaning now to a completely different person."
"What?"
"You need Julius?" Umiling si Mizzy. "Dati isang tao lang ang kailangan mo."
Napatingin sa baba si Lee.
"Jusko, Lee. What did you do to experience this kind of misfortune? You and Doc Odyssey are perfect for each other."
"Were..." Lee corrected Mizzy. Because she also thought they really were perfect. But not anymore.
Back in highschool, she always-always tell everyone that she needs Odyssey in her life. Na para bang hindi niya kayang mabuhay ng wala ito. She was a happy, unapologetic person back then. Ni hindi siya nahihiyang sabihin at ipakita sa iba that she's the one pursuing him. Because that's what her heart wants. At dahil wala naman siya noong natatapakang tao, she was just proud of showing her love.
"Let's not talk about Odi na, Miz."
"Paano nga kung makita mo siya sa reunion?"
"He won't be there."
"How sure are you?"
Nalukot ang mukha ni Lee. It gave her away. Bakit kasi kailangan niya pang sabihin ang bagay na 'yun? Mizzy has once again seen right through her.
"Oh my goodness Lee. Huwag mo sabihing pinakelaman mo accounts niya. Did you hack him? His schedules?"
"S-sinilip ko lang."
"Sinasabi ko na nga ba eh!" Mizzy facepalmed. Knowing that Lee hasn't forgotten this skill yet. "Masama 'yang ginagawa mo. Paano kapag nahuli ka? Paano kapag nakulong ka? Do you want your life to be miserable?"
"As if it isn't already."
"Lee Gabriel. Magtino ka ha. Huwag ganun!"
"Promise. I only took a peek. Wala akong binasa. Wala akong nakitang iba. I just looked at his sched. Kung anong schedule niya ng May 1. Wala nang iba. Wala akong pinakialaman."
"Promise?"
"Totoo. Never ko na nagawa ulit 'yun. I just want to know if he'll be there in the reunion or not, so I can make preparations. And good thing he won't be."
"Nasaan siya?"
"Some science conference."
'Where?"
"I don't know. Sabi ko sa'yo, sinilip ko lang."
"Fine." Mizzy sighed. "Basta Lee, last mo na 'yan ah."
"I know... I'm sorry."
Mizzy kept silent for a while bago biglang nagsalita nang may naisip.
"Pero bakit hindi mo na lang i-hack na lang 'yung schedule ni Julius Almighty at isingit ang sarili mo sa schedule niya."
Natawa si Lee. "Sabi mo last na."
Mizzy raised her hands. Surrendered.
"Fine. I just can't understand why you have to go to great lengths just to get away with Odi, if you can do just the same means to get what you want."
"I don't even know what I really want."
Mizzy gets it. Kahit hindi pa man naikukwento ni Lee ang lahat ng mga detalyeng nangyari sa kanya for the past few years, alam niyang malaki ang pinagdaanan nito. And Mizzy knows that what happened was really complicated. Why she left. And why she didn't come back.
To Mizzy, she thinks Odyssey might understand, but everything is just so different now.
Naalala rin ni Mizzy na hindi basta-basta nagbibitiw ng salita si Lee sa iba. If they were back in high school, hinding-hindi nito sasabihin that she needed anybody else. She only wants and needs Odi. That's how shameless she is with her love and affection for him. But now, upon hearing that she needed Javier in a utilitarian manner, it's now becoming obvious how she has changed. Now, Lee is just full of pride. And just like what she said, maybe that's all she has right now.
"I just have one question, Lee."
"Hmm?"
"If Odi says he wants you back, will you accept him?"
"I'm sure he wouldn't want me."
"If ever nga lang eh!" Mizzy raised her voice. Impatient. "Paano nga lang kung sabihin niya that he's willing to be together with you again?"
Umiling si Lee.
"Bakeet?!"
"You said, just one more question, Miz. Just one..." Lee replied before she dragged Mizzy out of the mall.
*later*