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I kept my eyes opened as they roamed, disregarding this piercing pain that jabbed only by the force of city lights. For most people the lights were just beautiful, but things worked differently for the others like me, who found them dangerous enough to cause harm.
Well, not everything that was beautiful to the eyes, was harmless.
I had known a beauty in my pathetic life; seductive and ethereal to the essence of phantasm and diaphanous torture. A kind of beauty that would dig my skin from the heart and trail it across my chest until it dispersed to my neck just to make me believed that I couldn't breathe.
But that beauty had captivated me, who was gasping in tightening throat, fighting in every muscle and every bone not to glance at it, while it spread its tempting whisper until I had to look up. And the dark mist had taken over me as my eye colour turned into black.
A kind of beauty that was impossible to run away from, so addictive to look at as it continued to whisper a lie that appeared to be truth; I couldn't breathe.
A kind of beauty that offered a help, asking me to open my mouth so I could breathe again. It looked so holy, angelic to my eyes that melted every iron and fence guarding around me until I finally parted my lips for offering holocaust.
A kind of beauty that changed back to its true look when it finally sealed my mouth, promising the air for me to breathe as my eyes now turning into white, only to realise I was actually in the hands of a Medusa.
It breathed through me instead of giving me the air I needed with its powerful dark, burning snakes on its back, taking everything of me into its possession until there was no more darkness in my orbs.
And I died.
That was the beauty I knew, pleasing to the eyes but poisonous to the heart. It gave me hope that it could be tamed, could be changed, could be loved, but it gave me pain that sent me away in this taxi, alone and miserable, weeping.
"You are back?" Jisoo's voice greeted me when I opened the door, entering the hotel suite while she kept her eyes darted at the TV. "That was fast, it's only-" She stopped herself to check on the time around her wrist. "4pm?"
I didn't respond to her as I walked towards the living area, placing my handbag on the dining table before I reached the sofa.
"How was your meeting with Lisa?"
She asked me again before I finally settled beside her, eyes looking at the TV with my arms crossed.
She clicked her tongue with a chuckled. "You guys fighting again?" Jisoo asked with a playful tone. "That's cute"
I didn't make any noise as my vision was empty. I didn't even know what I was looking at since it went through the TV, through the wall behind it even. But one thing for sure I didn't watch the TV at all.
"Is it that bad?" Jisoo let out her curiosity before she finally turned her attention away from the channel she was watching, looking straight at the side of my face. "Holy fuck!"
She exclaimed as she shifted her position, pulling both of her legs of up on the sofa with her body facing me.
"What the fuck happened to your face?!"
I turned my head to her to connect our eyes, and I saw hers widened shortly after.
"Lisa did this?!"
Jisoo looked so mad as no more playfulness in her tone, or a smirk on her face.
"Rosé!" She grabbed my forearm that was entangled with the other one, trying to separate them. "Tell me what happened!"
I looked at her with my weak, shallow eyes. "She slapped me"
"Why did she do that?!"
"Because I called her a liar and insulted her entire ancestors," I answered with the bloody taste still lingering around my tongue. "Something like The Maas are all bad offspring"
"What?" She frowned in response. "Why did you say that to her?"
"Do you know about it?"
"About what?"
"About Lisa paid Houghton Mifflin for my book?"
That was when the anger on Jisoo's face gone, only to be replaced with guilt and worry.
"Ohh God!" I responded with a voice that sounded like a cry, throwing my body against the back rest while I hid my own face behind my palms. "Not you too..."
Jisoo was silent this time when she was the one who was so eager to talk previously. She could be thinking of what to say to me, because to be honest, I was hurt by it. I felt like I was going to cry again and this time it wasn't for Lisa, but for someone I thought was a friend I could trust.
"It wasn't like that, Rosé" She began to speak up, placing her hand on my thigh.
"Tell me then, everything you know"
I forced my eyes to take a look at her as tears managed to escape, wetting my stinging pain cheek.
"I didn't know at first, I was clueless like you but do you remember when you talked about market invasion?" She said. "You asked me if I could suggest it to Mr. Wilson?"
"Yeah I remember"
"That's when Mr. Wilson told me about Melissa funding your book" Jisoo continued to explain.
"And you didn't even tell me" My stare turned into a glare, because that was what resembled my feelings ever since I opened that blue file in Lisa's office; anger.
"You know I'm not allowed to, it's private and confidential-"
"So that's the reason why you were suddenly on Lisa's side?"
"What do you mean?" Jisoo was puzzled.
"You didn't like her before, you even mocked her with Kookie when she came out on the TV"
Jisoo was silent again.
"Just because she funded my book?" I huffed as this money thing already crawling underneath my skin, irritating me to the core. "Lisa did buy people to like her, so called someone who hates public image"
"What's the matter with you, Rosé?"
She looked at me with the same energy like I had now. There wasn't nervousness in her tone. It was like my words just turned everybody's anger switch on. She kind of looked like my wife earlier. Melissa was just calm but suddenly the anger came to strike her.
Why did they need to get mad at me after what they had done? I could say whatever I wanted, it was me who got fooled!
"Am I wrong? She paid for my book and that's why you like her all of the sudden" I repeated myself. "You think she's a kind person just because of her money"
"I didn't think she's a kind person because she funded your book"
"Then?"
"It's because it's you who told me she's a kind person, Rosé" Jisoo said something that acted like bomb, shaking my walls of anger a little.
I looked into her eyes to see if there was any doubt or hesitation as she was speaking, just to spot the possibilities of her lying to me. But I didn't see any.
She was so firm in what she was saying.
"I started to like her because I knew you wrote that book for her, with your love, and at the same time she was funding it for you, with her love" Jisoo continued to shake my stubbornness. "Both of you were still loving each other in a silent way"
"How can you called it love when she clearly toying with my life? She funded my book, she even purchased these corneal tissues from the Eye Bank" I tried to argue with my anger building up in defence mode. "Now it makes sense why she was hesitated for me to do the procedure, it's because she didn't want me to find out about her funding my book, so she could continue playing angel with me with her Oscar acting skill!"
Jisoo didn't respond to me in time. She scooted closer to me, giving a few taps on my thigh as if she was waking me up from a sleep.
"Kid, I'm not supposed to say this to you" She looked so serious now as her eyes hooked me to listen to what she was going to say next. "But, are you dumb?"
"What?" I was the one who frown in confusion now.
"If she didn't want you to find out about the book, why did she purchase the tissues for you? And you are mad at Lisa because she funded your book? Are you serious?"
"Of course I am Jisoo!" I straightened my body, turning to her slightly. "I was blind! Writing that book was the only thing I could do. It meant a lot to me!" My eyes watered again as I was speaking about a book that I used to be proud of. "Lisa just destroyed that for me. I wouldn't even make it if she didn't pay Houghton Mifflin to accept my book!"
"Okay, now you are dumb"
"I am! That's why it was so easy for Lisa to fool me!"
"Rosé, she funded your book after you got the contract from Houghton Mifflin"
And that was when it hit me straight to the heart.
"What?" I asked her, hoping that she would tell me the details that I needed to hear.
"You got the contract because your book is amazing, because of your own effort writing it. Lisa had nothing to do with you being the company's author" Jisoo explained. "And that money was a float money, only to be released just in case Houghton Mifflin had to print extra copies for distribution, it was used to cover the cost and also for marketing"
I looked at her with my mouth slightly opened while my heart was racing out of its normal rhythm as my walls of anger were slowly collapsing one by one.
"How did you find out about this?" She asked me a question.
"I-I found that contract in her office" I began to stutter as different kind of sadness came into my vein, the one I would feel whenever I felt guilty.
"And you didn't even ask Lisa to explain to you about that contract?" She continued to shoot me. "Have you read everything on it?"
"I thought I read it, or maybe I was just-" My breath hitched with heaviness in my chest. "I was just skimming?"
Jisoo sighed loudly as she slapped her own forehead, shaking her head at the same time.
"Well, if I was Lisa I wouldn't use my hand" She got up from the sofa, reaching for her handbag that she placed on the coffee table. "I would use my leg instead"
"Jisoo..." I started to whine when no more anger streaming in my blood vessels.
"I didn't know you were that dumb"
She took something that looked like a cooling cream out from her handbag before she made her way back to me.
"Our company don't really have the money, Rosé. We just rely on Alexandria McKay" Jisoo gave the cream to me, placing it onto my palm. "What Lisa did was just to make sure your book was printed according to the right amount of copies, full blast for marketing and advertisements, and the recognition it deserved because she knew our company was cutting down cost at that time"
My lips started to tremble, thinking of why didn't I sit down and talk to Lisa about that contract like two adults instead of going mad, saying mean things to her.
"Lisa must have been worried about Houghton Mifflin's financial status at that time would ruin your book's potential," She added. "Mr. Wilson and I had a big trust on you because we read the manuscript before we offered you the contract. But Lisa-" Jisoo sighed again. "Her trust on your writing skill was bigger even though your book wasn't even publish yet for her to read"
I shifted closer to Jisoo with my eyes squeezed shut in a force of sob.
"No, kid. I'm not going to hug you this time"
I roamed my hands on her lap to reach hers, tapping my legs slightly on the floor as a sign of protest. "Jisoo, I didn't even know what I was doing. Don't get mad at me"
"What kind of reason is that? Are you a baby? No brain is it?"
Yes, I was Lisa's baby after all.
"I thought I read that contract right-"
"Look at me," Jisoo demanded before I could finish my sentence.
I breathed in deeply, exhaling heavy breath in the process as I opened my eyes slowly, directing them to face Jisoo's.
"Eyes can lie, Rosé. They can trick your brain into believing things you see. That's why the terms delusion and hallucination exist in this world. " She pushed her head closer to me, whispering. "Be careful with them" She added. "Especially when you are mad, that's when your brain is at the most vulnerable state"
I nodded, sniffling while my fingers began to reach for my wedding ring, planning to play with it but then I realised it wasn't there. I lowered my head to double check and I felt the disappointment rushed in as my stupid brain told me what I did to it.
I took it off.
"She was there," I whispered as my eyes locked at my ring finger that was now empty.
"What?" Jisoo sounded clueless. "Who?"
"Lisa," I said, lifting my head back up. "She was there for the fan signing"
"She was there?!"
"Yeah, she has my book with my autograph at the back"
"One of the 500 copies?" Jisoo asked and I nodded to respond. "Well, I might not recognise her at that time. There were so many people in line to get your autograph anyway"
I sighed as new tears ran down. "She said she doesn't want to see my face anymore"
"Do you believe that?"
"I don't know, we were already on a break before" I said with a pain under my throat. "I'm not surprised if I receive divorce papers after this"
Jisoo huffed instantly. "After all she has done for you? That's even dumber. Just say you are sorry and she would definitely forgive you"
"You think so? That easy?"
"Okay, maybe not that easy" Jisoo started to laugh a little, causing me to glare at her not so good timing to joke around response. "But you can use your tits also, you have tits right?"
She got a hard slap on her thigh for that, making me laugh with her when I shouldn't have.
"I'm serious though," Jisoo added. "You did some terrible shits this time, you may need to use everything you have"
"What should I do, Jisoo?" I asked with an helpless mind.
"You asked a wrong person for that"
She responded in a serious tone this time after joking around about my tits, sending a cold sweat vibe to me.
"Should I ask myself? I don't have any brain cell anymore"
"You shouldn't ask yourself either"
"Then?!"
I was getting more frustrated with this situation I had with Lisa, because nobody seemed to have any idea on how to help me to save my messed up marriage.
Jisoo looked into my eyes before answering. "What would blind Roseanne do?"
That sent another blow to my heart.
"Find that blind girl in you back, she's the only one in this room who uses her heart for everything"
Jisoo had made her point clear in this whole conversation. Now what was left for me was to sink them all in me, and self evaluate.
I understood it now when I was no longer mad, my brain started to work better even though with a slow processing ability, it was still working. What Jisoo said about finding the blind girl in me was actually the key point in the entire problem I was having with Lisa.
It was me who had changed a lot since I got my eyes fixed, without I even realised it. I got lost with it, letting these new windows I received poison my heart and drift me away from my true self. Now as I was sitting in the bathtub, I still couldn't find that girl yet.
I couldn't find her anymore.
I was already alone here, cleaning myself in this favourite place of mine to find peace for my soul, but that blind girl was still missing, nowhere to be found.
I pushed myself down, reclining until my body was fully submerged in the water with the thoughts of my wife flooded in.
Lisa was just as lost as me in this battle; for her to seek for her missing wife, screaming my name until she had lost her own voice, yet I chose to listen to a different scream. Now I got it why she said she didn't like my eyes, because she no longer saw her wife in them at the very first time our eyes met, and that scared her.
I pushed myself back up to breathe, wiping the layer of water that covered my face with my palm before opening my eyes again.
"But I know your heart, Roseanne..."
All I could hear in my mind now was Lisa's voice when I told her about the tissue transplant in her office.
"I can't let your own hope crushes you,"
I pulled my legs up until they met my chest as I wrapped my arms around to secure them while my forehead rested on my knees, eyes closed.
"I love you, Roseanne..."
I heard my own sobs, crying my heart out with warm air brushed against my wet skin, weeping for what these eyes had turned my heart into.
"Everything you hope for, dream of, must be fulfilled"
I could no longer see Lisa the way I used to see her before. I asked God for the truth and He showed me but still, I failed to see it in the right way even with these eyes wide opened.
"Everything for you, baby, you deserve the world if only I could give them all to you"
I saw her as the Legion of demons, while the Legion themselves could be among angels. It was up to one's eyes to decide which one to see. And I chose to see Melissa as the one who walked the earth with the black wings on her back.
What a stupid me, lost in my own Bible that I read in seeking for the truth.
All Lisa ever done to me was giving everything I dreamed of as best as she could. I once told a 15 year old her that I wanted to be a writer, and she remembered it. My hope for my first book was huge, and she made sure it wouldn't crush me. She helped me to earn that bestselling author title.
All Lisa ever done was trusting me without the need to read my book first, putting everything on my own effort without a single doubt, while all I saw in her with these eyes were not more than just a liar.
How could I do that to her?
She was the one who gave me these eyes even though she could feel that I would lose myself even before the procedure was done. But she didn't put her worries into account because that was what I wanted. I was the one who dreamed of being able to have my eyesight back, and Melissa had done nothing except fulfilling it.
All Lisa ever done was doing her best to give me happiness, and I called her a bad person?
I thought I was alone for 10 years but Lisa was always behind me as a mere shadow, pushing for my true potential to come out. She had been trying to guide me, being in front of me as my own reflection, but I smashed the mirror, not wanting to follow her anymore in arrogance that I could walk alone now, just because I had these eyes.
What they had turned my heart into?
I loosened my arms, pushing myself back under the water. My ears started to rumble as they sank, putting everything I heard around me into a defused sound wave while the serenity had taken over me.
Did you enjoy your walk, Roseanne?
I sobbed in my own cries, pushing few air bubbles out into this torture as Lisa's voice that was playing at the back of my head slowly fading away. Listening to her sending even more pain in my shrinking chest as I held my breath to force the peace that I would always have being in here.
Was it fun without Melissa?
I brought myself up, pressing my lips together as I continued to breathe in this darkness I called for myself. And I finally saw that blind girl again, wandering around with her hands reaching out for what was in front of her without knowing what she might find or stumble on.
And she stumbled on me, who was standing right in front of her, drenching wet in my own tears.
Again?
I took one last dip into the water, thinking that I already spent so much time bathing. I already felt hungry in this coldness anyway. So I tried to enjoy these few seconds left I had underwater before the air in my lungs ran out, and I had to get up again, but I heard an indistinct yell entering my ears.
"Roseanne!"
That yell surprised me as I recognised that voice, making me accidentally breathe while I was still underwater, letting in the water into my throat.
I felt a very strong force that I never encountered as such before around my shoulders, pulling me up as I was choking the water I still had in my airway.
I was dragged out from the bathtub by a pair of hands under my arms until my whole body was thrown on the cold, wet floor, being held by the same arms that felt so familiar.
"Hey?" I heard a voice that sounded like it was blocked by a lump under the throat. "Can you breathe?"
Her shaky hand was pushing the strands of hair off my face clumsily and I opened my eyelids shortly after, only to see her reddish, watery eyes.
"What were you doing, baby?"
She was crying in a deep, low voice in front of me with her arm still holding my body, trembling.
"Jongnam, call the ambulance!" She tried to yell but her voice was just so weak. "Please-"
I was looking at Lisa, who had veins popped out against her skin on her head, with her face that looked so pale, sobbing, as if something terrifying just attacked her right in the guts.
I was looking at a scared 15 year old Melissa Maas, who was having me on her lap as we were both on the floor, staring at me with her eyes that were so lost, shattered into million pieces.
The pain in me that caused by the water was still there, making me choke as Melissa's hand moved to my chest now.
"Can you breathe, baby?"
She asked again and this time I nodded in response, sensing new tears in my eyes to witness her this way.
"Ohh thank God," She breathed out, pressing her eyes shut while her hand began to stroke my chest softly.
I lifted my hand up, holding her face just to feel if she was really here.
"Lisa..." I called her as I was still gasping for air.
"Wh-what were you thinking?" She stuttered in her sobs with her eyes still closed. "Were you trying to leave me?"
"No, Lisa"
"I was mad, Roseanne" She opened her regretful eyes, connecting them to mine. "I said stupid things that I didn't mean"
Lisa leaned in, placing her soft lips on the same cheek she slapped earlier and my eyes closed at the same time, feeling her delicate love she was channelling through her mouth.
"Why did you listen to me?"
She whispered her cries as I began to hug her by the neck.
"Lisa-"
"I love you, Roseanne..." She sobbed. "Please don't leave me"
Her whole body was shaking now, telling me that she was getting even deeper in her own traumatic state that wasn't good for her at all. She misinterpreted everything she just saw, almost the same like I did back at her office before.
"Lisa, hey?" I tried to call for her attention. "Look at me..."
She pulled away as her hand was still strongly pressed against my chest, probably wanting to make sure that I was still breathing.
"Trust me, Lisa" I said when her eyes reached mine. "I didn't do anything, I was just bathing,"
She was staring at me with fear and doubt still in her gaze, and I knew she didn't believe it.
"I was mad too, Lisa" I continued with my hand was holding her face. "I said dumb shits that I didn't even mean"
I could see that her eyes were slowly softened, signaling that I should continue talking.
"Lisa, I love you so much..." I said that my whole heart, eyes darted into her brown ones as my own pushing out their own tears. "I will never leave you"
She looked much better now as she began to breathe steadily when she heard what I just said.
"So you were bathing?" She asked again for confirmation, probably trying to get rid of a little more doubt left in her.
"I was bathing, I swear" I answered her with a smile on my lips just to reassure her that I was fine, because she still didn't let go of my chest.
"Are you sure?"
"100% sure, Lisa. That's just how I have my bath"
"Well, you need to change that" She demanded with a much stable voice as she was recovering. "Your way of bathing just scared the shit out of me"
I burst out laughing, causing her to join in as well.
I missed her laughter.
Melissa pulled me up, sitting me just like her on this floor while her arms were hugging my wet body. I held on her with my face snuggled against her neck, sniffing her scent that gave me calmness I needed the most.
Now that I finally decided I didn't want to walk alone anymore since I didn't enjoy it at all, I refused to do it again. I wanted Melissa to always be either behind my back or in front of me. She could take a pick whichever she preferred.
Because at this point, I would give my Lisa, her wife back.