• • •
Frisk spoke to her about it, briefly, and Chara confided in her because who else was she going to talk to, honestly? Her main line is now the current source of her problems.
Love. She likes the emotion even less than she used too. Definitely too sickly sweet. Chara feels as if she'll throw up every time she experiences it. It hurts too, a dull ache right in the center of her heart. As if someone dragged a blade right down the middle. Like it was previously broken and someone unskilled attempted to sow it back together. Every prick from the needle is a moment, a smile from Papyrus, a sample of his laughter, an example of his kindness and acceptance. With every beat it worsens, and Chara's just tried of it now.
Unfortunately, a part of her doesn't want to give up, a part of her is willing to try and be with him because she's come too far to just drop it. Feelings have never worked out in her favor anyways. Especially now, because despite the fact that she wants to alter their relationship to something a little more meaningful, a pang of orange and a mix of sweat, rose-tinted cheeks and a swelling heart are vicious disincentives.
Personally, anything without some form of sentience shouldn't have so much influence over Chara's actions and thoughts. It's as aggravating as it is natural.
"You have to ignore that Chara, treat them like obstacles to hurdle over," she remembers Frisk explaining, all determined because of course. "Then you just say it: I love you, like it's no big deal but like it is at the same time."
Did Chara mention she was tired? Not from lack of sleep, but because of how often she'll look at Papyrus and chant I love you in her head, over and over.
I love you.
Papyrus, I love you.
I love you, Papyrus.
Ridiculous, useless iteration. What good are those tender enchantments, popping like hot oil in the corners of her mind, always wanting to bubble over, to slip through the cracks and make a heart-shaped mess on the floor?
She can't help but recite them though, because it's the closest thing she has to reality. In her brain it's on the highest shelf. A fragile little thing, too loose, precariously balanced. But matter how hard she tries, no amount of ruthless shaking can knock it over, shatter the glass, have the words come tumbling out of her mouth all heavy with feeling and relief.
- - -
A few days ago Chara was sitting on the couch one day, upside down, feet inching up the walls as gracefully as one can manage in slippery purple socks. She figured looking at the world from a different angle would be beneficial, force her to view things in a new light. The only thing she discovered was how stupid that sounded when quoted. She did, however, learn that if she was to be upside down for too long, her body —starting with her face— would begin to grow numb.
She enjoyed the sensation, because it took away from everything her heart was producing. Instead, her body shouted at her to re-adjust herself before she inevitably shut down. Not ideal, but better.
Papyrus discovered Chara in that position once, complemented her 'apparent flexibility' then smiled at her all genuine and sweet as if he knew it would disassemble her. Her heart overcame the numbness then, and she passed out.
Chara knew he would be at her side when she woke. He was.
- - -
Do you love me, Papyrus?
Came to mind during one of her confession recitals, loud and incorrect as if she hit the wrong key. Not even a minor slip up. She fell off her seat, she shrieked the final note, she slammed the guitar onto the stage to imitate some cheap rockstar movie that nobody liked.
Chara's exhausted, because that brought up so much more baggage. She swore she'd made it to the last three remaining stacks, then someone piled hundreds more in front of her, wearing the kind of soft smile you couldn't deny.
She's angry, because she doesn't know how Papyrus feels, and all her worrying and rehearsing and internal suffering could actually be for nothing.
She's sad, because there's a high possibility he only sees her as a friend, an honor, really, but not a high enough rank to satisfy her.
She's lonely, because there's no one for her to hold or smile endlessly for. No one to whisper to or place every ounce of her trust in instead of leaving bits and pieces of it with different people, scattered and a mess.
She's envious of Sans and Frisk, more than she should be. Can she just have it now? What's this whole process that everyone is intended to go though before entering a relationship? Can't it all just work itself out?
She's guilty of avoiding Papyrus like the plague, treating him the exact opposite of how couples ought to treat each other.
She's overly conscious of everything. Of their friendship that may grow fragile if she keeps this up. Of her feelings because they're obvious like bright fireworks in a starless sky. If he looked up, if he saw how they strongly they illuminated, what would he say?
She's afraid of her feelings for him, because they might, could, will destroy her. Chara didn't even ask for them, and now the life she proudly built may never be as it used to.
She's embarrassed, almost every day when he looks at her, speaks to her, grins at her wide and inviting. She's being held up, right in front of the sun. It burns through her flesh, white hot and scorching but nothing shows on the outside. Nothing except a vivid path, starting at one cheek and crossing the bridge of her nose to mark the other.
She's in love, and that about sums it up.
- - -
After that awakening, Chara decides she has had about enough of dancing around, of quick conversations, of ducking into her room to hide whenever he exits his.
"Papyrus, take me somewhere." Chara keeps her eyes glued just above his, because she can't stand to look into them right now, waving away the rules of respectful conversation. "Please."
He's shocked momentarily. Not surprising, only recently did she actually start speaking to him again. He outshines the previous look with a smile, and Chara curses the sudden weakness in her knees.
It's a walk, boring and uneventful into the town center. Awkward too, because Chara can hardly keep a conversation and Papyrus can't seem to do so either, so they saunter in silence until they come across that Shopkeeper lady Chara vaguely remembers.
"DO YOU WANT ONE, CHARA?" She says yes because she can't say no, and the lack of speaking can brushed off by the fact that they're enjoying a bisicle. He only buys one, and breaks it in half for them to share.
It's completely normal to do, something between even mere acquaintances to save G. Still, Chara's heart sends a rough kick to her ribs.
He thanks her when they get home, saying he enjoyed himself.
"I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE WITH ME ANYMORE! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY DISAPPOINTING IF THAT WAS TRUE, THE GREAT PAPYRUS LOVES BEING WITH YOU CHARA!" Then he looks like he's about to say something serious, face suddenly unsure and nervous and Chara can't take it. She's worried he'll say he thought she didn't care about him anymore, and knowing that would crush her.
She grabs him by the sleeve his shirt, tropical and baggy, then it takes a few blinks to make eye contact.
"I appreciate you and everything you've done for me, Papyrus," Chara hears the subtle quake in her voice, but presses on. "I just haven't been feeling well lately, it's not you, it could never be you, because..."
The I love you is stuck. Stuck. Heavy and sweet under her tongue like a spoonful of sugar.
"All you ever do is make me feel better," is what she says instead, and her stomach lurches at his smile.
- - -
Remaining in her room, cooped up and pitiful concerns him, so Chara stops doing it. It's difficult because he notices, and starts waiting on the couch for her every morning. Sometimes he's made her a breakfast she's often afraid to touch despite his improvements in culinary, and other times he just wants to sit at her side and flip through TV channels. Chara prefers those mornings, because they're quiet and Papyrus, surprisingly, never disturbs the peace.
He's always extra close those mornings, too, pressed against her, maybe an arm draped across the pillows cushioning her head, maybe a hand mere inches from hers. It's never closer than that, and it pisses Chara off.
He used to know no bounds, and would hold her close despite her glares because he knew. He always knew when she was blue or red or aqua or anything or everything.
Chara should be glad, he believes there's nothing wrong and that means her emotions aren't as apparent as they seem, or, the less favored, he knows and doesn't know how to go about it.
Chara isn't sure if she's ready to wait and find out which is right.
It's a month later before Chara tries her luck again.
"I want to take you somewhere, are you free?" Of course she already knew he was.
"YES! THE GREAT PAPYRUS ALWAYS HAS TIME FOR YOU, CHARA!"
It's moments like these when Chara is convinced he does know. He knows that her feelings for him stretch far like the branches of a tree, edging towards the clouds, invasive.
"Good," is all she can manage, because her voice is on a trampoline, her face is hot, and it's all just orange, orange, orange.
Chara takes him to a park, abandoned and secluded. Papyrus has a hard time getting there, because it's hidden under a canopy of trees that are a little too low for him. In the midst of struggling, he asks when and how she found this place. A question Chara ignores because she can't tell him that it was her escape whenever he wouldn't leave the house.
He seems to enjoy himself despite using all of the equipment incorrectly. Chara watches him from her perch on the jungle gym without much fuss from Papyrus because everything seems to distract him as if he's some five-year old.
He all of the sudden wants to ride the seesaw but finds he can't by himself and urges Chara over. She missteps on her climb down and falls off the gym, and since the world is so insistent on her eternal suffering, Papyrus manages to be quick enough to stand, reach out, and catch her with impossible ease.
"ARE YOU OKAY, CHARA?" She impulsively wrapped her arms around his neck because why wouldn't she? Maybe she loves abusing herself and hasn't realized it yet.
"Yes, yes I'm fine." Too stern, she sounds in pain, which she is, but it may be a little more complicated than Papyrus thinks.
And now she hasn't the slightest what he's thinking because he's void of naive shouts, staring her down, perplexed. It's enough to get her full attention on the situation. Up, in Papyrus' arms, close, very close, too close.
"Can you—?"
"WE SHOULD GO HOME." The words jet out of his mouth and Chara's back on the ground before she can even process. There's a warmth secure in her hand that she can't drop, and that's when she notices their fingers have suddenly intertwined.
This is normal, she has to remind herself. Before.. this, Chara had no problem latching to Papyrus like a lifeline. She'd hug him tight, rest her head against his shoulder, and take his hand, with ease. Ease that seems so distant now, like a dream that felt so lifelike her body pretended it was real.
Chara misses it. Misses the simplicity of her life post-love. She feels a sudden urge to eradicate and start over, and Chara hopes to shove the thought so far down that eventually it'll be unrecognizable.
"YOUR HANDS ARE VERY SWEATY," he points out, and Chara refuses to utter a single word the remainder of their walk home.
She misses the feel of his hand against hers however, so she takes it more often.
- - -
The final time was Frisk's idea.
"You should do it tonight," she said, "I mean, you have all the time in the world, no need to rush.. but tonight would be more romantic." Chara could only stare back into those golden eyes, dumbfounded.
"I can't."
"Can't or won't?"
"I'm scared, Frisk. I don't want to ruin anything." Frisk opens her mouth, ready to respond, but must've decided against it and Chara's glad she no longer has to fight.
"I believe in you," is all Frisk says before leaving, and Chara wants to shout angrily after her because she knows exactly what she just did.
Chara is unbearably tense the entire car ride to the site, wondering if she should plan a speech or just say it. The latter seems better, not because it's more effective, but because it's more her. Chara is no poet. She's not very composed or creative either.. why is she confessing again? Why would Papyrus want her?
Far from subtle, in the back of Chara's mind she hears him, Papyrus saying she's beautiful or that she's strong and should never need to worry about what may be wrong with her, it's only her imagination.
Papyrus speaks to her despite Chara being mainly unresponsive. He talks about how this will be just like any day in the Underground, well, except, with a moon this time.
It's atop a hill a couple of miles from Frisk's house. Every year maybe once or twice there's a meteor shower that they actually hear about and are notified of the location. Until it starts, they settle with a picnic under the stars. Frisk is wonderstruck with a firm grip on her binoculars, and Sans makes nothing but astronomical puns until Papyrus screams at him to stop.
"Glad we brought a bigger blanket, I was afraid I'd take up too much space." The fact that the blanket had been space-themed only made it worse. Frisk can't help but giggle given her incredibly poor sense of humor, and Chara and Papyrus only groan wearily.
"It's hard enough coming up with all of these. You two could at least try to have a better altitude."
"I'm actually going to kill you."
"SANS I SWEAR TO GOD." They say in unison, and Sans gives it a rest for about two seconds before cranking them out again.
Chara's still exhausted. Can't life lift just one finger to help her? Even if it's just the pinky Chara promises she'll be grateful.
And no, the fact that she feels a little better when she mistakenly meets Papyrus' eyes and he smiles isn't helpful.
"It's starting! I want to get a closer look." Frisk bursts through her thoughts, giving Chara a knowing look before turning to Sans. "Come with me, I don't want to go alone."
"Sure, I wanted a closer look too, this shower is about to be out of this—"
"Don't even start," Frisk says, cutting him off and dragging him towards the edge of the hill.
Chara ought to give anxiety a color, because it's the strongest feeling in her right now. Or maybe it doesn't deserve one because it had stuck with her for her entire life. Chara never forgot how it felt to be uneasy and intolerably afraid, and she hates that she's experiencing it now, for this.
"HOW DO YOU FEEL, CHARA?" It's unexpected, and Chara flinches without meaning or wanting to.
She doesn't know the answer to that. Chara feels everything, she feels everything for him. That same 'him' is normally the one who she can let it all out to, explain when she feels red with Sans or blue-gray about what she did to Frisk.
It's always so easy with him.
It should be easy with him, even with the abundance of emotions she has swimming throughout her heart for him. It's too much, Chara wants to share it, Chara wants him to know, because she's worn out from hiding it, completely and utterly spent.
"YOU'VE BEEN ACTING A LITTLE STRANGE LATELY, NOT THAT YOU ARE STRANGE! IT COULD JUST BE ME."
"It's me, it's definitely me." Chara says quickly. It was to reassure him, but now she immediately regrets opening her mouth because Papyrus is now looking at her, expectant, awaiting an explanation. So Chara takes a deep breath, steels herself, and prays for a happy ending.
"I feel everything," she says, and all she can do is hope that it makes sense, because if it doesn't she'll have to go on.
"ABOUT WHAT?" Chara wants to scowl at him. It's as if her shaky hands and evidently red face mean absolutely nothing.
"It's complicated."
"WELL, TRY AND EXPLAIN IT." See, this is what she previously adored about him. Always so willing to help her. Chara near detests it now, because the explanation is right on the tip of her tongue, hot and obvious, burning behind her lips.
That's when the first one shoots across the sky, a bright light running against the dark, the black. There's a flood of sounds from people in awe, and he takes his attention off her for only a moment.
So Chara, in the adrenaline and well above a whisper forces out: "Papyrus, I love you." Oh.
Oh is right, because it all went quiet. Every emotion she's every experienced, boiling at the brim inside of her, suddenly simmered down, became as still as Chara had the second the confession escaped her.
Chara isn't tired anymore, because Papyrus is staring at her with eyes wider than she'd ever seen on him and that's sending her pulse into overdrive.
"Uhm.. feeling this way about you is.. well it's more confusing than anything else I've ever experienced and— and I can't explain it, so.." Truthfully, a small part of Chara thought she could just say it and everything else would fall into place without much effort on her end. It's not looking like it'll end up that way, so Chara ends it herself.
"I love you," she says again, dazed, "what color is that?"
Papyrus looks more than stunned, Chara supposes she understands. If he had said that to her out of nowhere, she may have blacked out.
"I.. I ALREADY TOLD YOU—"
"No. I know it's more than just one. I feel everything, everything about you." Chara takes one of his hands and curls their fingers together. Instead of leaving it at that, she lifts it up and presses a soft kiss to the back, gazing at him all the while.
She's sure her crimson irises are vibrating alongside her heart, that thumps violently in wait for Papyrus' response. He detangles their hands and trails his up to her cheek, wiping away the beginning of tears Chara didn't know were forming.
"ARE YOU SURE YOU FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME? BECAUSE I THINK.. I THINK I'VE BEEN FACING A SIMILAR PROBLEM." Chara lets her eyes fall for a moment, chuckling.
"Yeah, I think you were wrong. Pink is too simple."
"CHARA, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. SURE IT'S SHOWN OFF THAT WAY, BUT LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL." He breaks away from her fixation for a moment, tightening his grip, pulling Chara closer. "IN FACT IN MOST CASES, IT'S PRETTY UGLY."
Chara only shakes her head. "Not this kind, not what I feel for you. It's draining, definitely, but I'd give up anything for it." Even the last sliver of my pride and sanity, she thinks bitterly, briefly, before swallowing hard and asking: "do you love me, Papyrus?"
He beams, "YES! OF COURSE I DO CHARA!" The enthusiasm catches her wildly off guard, but she isn't given much time to consider the fact that her feelings are reciprocated before Papyrus pulls her against him. The kiss is chaste, they're both new and nervous and a total wreck, but Chara wouldn't have it any other way.
Chara somewhat wishes she could've told him during the day, that way she could see every color intense and apparent inside her and before her. However, one glance up at the night sky, decorated by the shower of glittering meteors and stars, Chara sees red. She sees blue and pink and an exuberant monster she loves smiling at her.
Chara feels everything.
• • •
Author's Note
We made it!
(Lowkey finished this at 2AM lol—)
Thank you all SO SO SO much for your love and support!
This is my last main Papara story but not the last Undertale one since I will be making one based on an AU I created (you may or may not know this already idk if I told you guys or not) and there is Papara in that AU (because of course) and I hope you'll read it and enjoy it!
❤︎ Chara's List of Emotions ❤︎
Red: Anger
Blue: Sadness
Light Blue: Loneliness
Yellow: Happiness
Green: Envy
Blue-Gray: Guilt
Aqua: Self-Consciousness
Pink: Love
Black: Fear
Orange: Embarrassment
Rainbow: Her love for him