He swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. He sat in the car with Renee, staring at the busy restaurant in front of them nervously. Renee tapped away on her phone, seeming not to notice the state Hugo was in. But he wasn't going to leave, he'd already promised Renee that he would go with her.
"Some aren't here yet, but we can wait for them inside," she said and put her phone in her handbag. "Stefan and a couple of his friends are already here."
She hopped out of the car and gestured for him to follow. He had no idea where they were, some town he'd never been to on the outskirts of the city. If he wanted to leave, he'd have to get Renee to take him home and he didn't want to do that. Renee was there to have a good time, he wasn't going to ruin that for her.
Stefan waved them over to his table at the back when he saw them. Hugo didn't wave back but smiled at him as he sat. The table was huge. Had Renee lied to him when she'd said there would only be a few other people? It looked ready for about ten more. He wasn't sure if he could handle that many at once.
He looked to Renee nervously, but she didn't see him. She was too busy talking to the other two people at the table, her usual grin on her face. Trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach, Hugo sat down across from Stefan, eyes fixed on the polished wood of the table.
"Are you alright?" a voice asked. Hugo looked up to see Stefan watching him warily. "You look like you're going to vomit."
Hugo shook his head. "I'm alright, it's just been a long day," he signed. "I'm tired." Stefan didn't look like he believed him, but he didn't say anything more, something Hugo was grateful for. He hadn't explained himself to Renee, he certainly wasn't going to explain himself to Stefan, who probably didn't even like him.
It sucked, from what Renee had told him, Stefan was a good and friendly person. He was attractive too, which didn't help Hugo's nervousness. But he couldn't help but feel that the man didn't like him that much. He had shown up at their apartment without a word after all. Although, that was more Renee's fault than his. And while the movie night had been nice, it had still been awkward. Stefan hadn't spoken much to him.
"Oh, guys, this is Hugo, he's a friend of mine from uni," Renee said, her voice pulling him from his thoughts. Hugo waved to the man and the woman staring back at him. He forgot their names almost as soon as Renee introduced them and cursed himself for being terrible with them.
Throughout the next half an hour, more and more people came to their table. Renee introduced him to all of them, but he never remembered their names and they never said anything more than 'nice to meet you.' It didn't matter much to him. It meant he never had to explain that he was mute. The only real issue was that the table had filled to the point where he didn't know how to handle it.
He got Renee to order for him, a burger and a tall glass of wine. He'd need a drink if he was going to sit for a couple of hours with new people. It wasn't the best coping mechanism, but who would judge him. None of them knew him except Renee and it wasn't like she would notice anyway. She was too busy talking to everyone else.
The food came quicker than Hugo expected, but that didn't stop the talking. If anything, it made it worse. The table was full and voices came from every mouth around him. They never stopped, no matter how much Hugo wished they would. The noise was too much for him. All he could do was concentrate on his breathing and his meal.
The voices only grew louder, closer. There were people all around him, nudging him as they ate, moved, spoke. He itched to push them away but didn't in fear that they would only move closer. It felt as though they stuck to him like glue and he couldn't shake them off no matter how hard he tried.
He could feel it in his stomach and his chest, the anxiety and the panic, crushing him like a weight. It threatened to cut off his breathing, to leave him floundering and wondering what to do. He wanted to scream at them all the shut up, just shut up, but he couldn't. His throat closed up and his hands started to shake. He had to put down his glass so that it didn't spill everywhere.
He couldn't have a panic attack at the table, it would be too embarrassing. He needed to get up now, but he couldn't attract too much attention. He didn't want them all to stare at him like he was insane, it would only make things worse. The longer he sat and let the constant talking wash over and crush him, the worse it would be.
It came so much quicker than he expected it to. He hoped that he'd be able to get through the meal at least, but he hadn't thought there would be that many people there. Renee had said a few. She had lied and now there was too many for him to handle. He could feel their eyes on him but when he finally stood, he noticed none of them was looking his way.
Their grins and laughter and cheerful voices echoed within him. He couldn't have any of that, no matter how much he wanted it. He'd seen too much, with his old friends and his mother. He wasn't going to put himself through that again. Renee had lied to him and he was freaking out as a result. She wasn't even looking at him, too busy talking to people she'd known for longer than him, cared about more than him.
He locked eyes with Stefan as he stood, but the man said nothing and looked away from him. Hugo walked as quickly as he could down the length of the restaurant and back out to Renee's car. He didn't hop into it, he couldn't, so instead, he leaned against the restaurants red brick wall with closed eyes.
He didn't know how long he stood there for, eyes closed and hands resting on his knees. Time seemed to freeze. It could have been hours or mere seconds, but he stood like a statue against the wall. The cool air calmed him almost instantly, but it didn't stop the raging thoughts in his mind. His breathing came back to him slowly and his hands were steady once more. He'd wait outside in the cold until Renee was done and she could take him home.
A voice pulled him from his thoughts, but not the one he expected. "Hey," Stefan said, his voice quiet, calming. There was a concerned look on his face and a glass of water in his hand. "You've been out here a while. Are you alright?"
Hugo nodded his head, despite it being far from the truth. "Just needed some fresh air," he said. His hands no longer shook, maybe Stefan would believe him.
"Not a fan of crowds?" Stefan asked and Hugo shook his head. "Yeah, I understand that. Here, I brought you some water." Hugo frowned but took it gratefully. He gulped it down and found the cool feeling of it travelling down his throat relieving.
"Thank you," he signed when he'd finished and handed the glass back to Stefan. "Why?"
Stefan shrugged. "I know what it's like to have panic attacks," he said like it was the simplest thing in the world. "I wanted to make sure you were alright." Even with an explanation, Hugo was still confused. He thought Stefan didn't like him. Maybe he was wrong.
"Renee told me there would only be a few people there. I thought I'd be alright," he explained.
Stefan sighed. "She should have told you the truth if she knew you weren't a fan of crowds. She knew how many people were going to be there." Hugo looked down at the ground. Why had Renee brought him along if she knew? "Look, don't be angry at her. I don't think she meant it in a bad way. I think she wants you to make friends."
"I have enough friends, I think," he signed. He didn't need Renee forcing more people on him. She meant well, but he couldn't handle it. He would have to tell her later.
Stefan huffed out the smallest of laughs. "Maybe she thinks two friends isn't enough," he said. Two? He didn't have two friends, unless he counted his boss, Robert, but Stefan didn't know about him. One glance at the smile on Stefan's face told him that he meant him. Stefan considered himself Hugo's friend and Hugo had had no idea.
"I think it is," he replied. He didn't need any more than that. Anymore and it would be too dangerous, a repeat of what happened to him in high school. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be alone again. He thought he could, but then he'd met Renee and realised that friends were something he needed, something he missed, but also something he didn't want to lose again.
Stefan leaned against the wall next to him. "We'll stay out here for a little longer, alright?" he said. "Otherwise everyone will be out here looking for us and I doubt you want that." Hugo shook his head with a little smile. There was a joking tone in Stefan's voice, so different from what he'd heard when they first met. It sounded as though he were talking with Renee.
"How do you deal with it, all the noise?" he asked.
Stefan tapped at the hearing aid underneath his hair. "If it gets too loud, I just turn it down," he said with a smile. "Sometimes people are way too loud." Hugo wished he could turn down what people said, maybe then he wouldn't freak out so much.
"Thank you for coming out here, you didn't have to," he signed. It was the truth. Stefan could have easily stayed at the table and let him stand outside along like a weirdo. He didn't owe him anything. He hadn't even known they were friends.
Stefan shrugged. "It was the least I could do. You didn't look too good. I wanted to make sure you were alright," he said and placed a hand on his arm. His fingers were warm against Hugo's cold skin. "Are you alright?"
Hugo nodded and averted his eyes. "I am now, thank you," he replied.
"Come on, it's cold out here and I'm still hungry." Hugo laughed his silent laugh and followed the taller man back into the restaurant. Renee gave them both a look but said nothing to them as they sat. Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she turned away, her concerned frown morphing into her usual smile.
Hugo's burger was stone cold by the time he came back to it, but he ate it anyway, hungrier than he thought he was. Every time the noise got too much, he looked up at Stefan, with his muted hearing aids and oblivious smile. Something about it calmed him down. If Stefan wasn't going to worry about all the noise, then Hugo wouldn't either. It would be okay. If he had to leave again, then Stefan would follow him out.
People slowly left with cheerful goodbyes and short waves to him, the man they hadn't spoken to. He waved back but their faces passed him in a blur. He didn't remember any of their names and he wasn't going to bother trying. He doubted they remembered his. They were probably never going to see him again if he had anything to say about it.
Eventually, it was just him, Renee and Stefan left at the table. "Let's get going, bitches!" Renee said, standing and pulling them from the table. She looked to him as they left. "Did you have a good time?"
He didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. "I did."