Dorcas was at the dormitory, gathering some books and parchment for her lessons with Juliet, when she noticed the pens in her bag. She had bought them during the Easter holiday, but with meeting Noel and fearing about the Slytherins cornering her in the train, she had completely forgotten about them. They were glitter pens, different colours, three for each of her friends. She hunted all of them out of her bag and placed them on the table. Then she fished out the journal that had buried itself underneath her clothes. This one was for Leigh.
The dormitory was currently empty except for her. She left the pens on her desk, deciding to give them to her friends later on, and pocketed the journal. Then she balanced her books on the crook of her elbow, and with the quills and parchment on her other hand, she left the dorms, heading for the library, where she would meet Juliet.
The Ravenclaw girl was waiting for her outside the library. She was in her school robes, which were covered in dirt, and there were spots of mud on her face. Her hair was pulled tightly into a plait. As Dorcas approached her to greet her, she noticed the exhaustion in her stark blue eyes.
"Are you skipping sleep again?" she asked with a smile.
"I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered that I hadn't completed my Transfiguration homework," she remarked, laughing. "Excuse my look, I just came from Herbology, and I didn't feel like cleaning myself up. I'll go to Potions in an hour, and get dirty again anyway."
"Don't worry. Let's get in."
They found an empty table with four chairs around it, and sat down opposite each other. Dorcas arranged her books in front of her; although these lessons were to help Juliet with Potions, she also took advantage of the time to do her own work. As she took one of her quills and dipped it on her inkpot, Juliet dropped her head on the table with a thud.
"Are you okay?" she inquired.
Juliet groaned a little. "Mm. Just tired, is all."
"Alright, give me your essay."
Juliet fished out a scroll of parchment from her bag and handed it to her. Dorcas took it and began to untie the knot with magic, although she didn't use her wand. The former stared at the feat in amazement. "That's impressive."
Although she had been complimented for her skills in nonverbal and wandless magic before, by Professor Flitwick and by some of her classmates, she had never taken credit for it, knowing that it was a skill she had since birth. She didn't like being praised for something she had put little to no effort in.
But now that it was Juliet who praised her, Dorcas felt her face heating up, and was sure that she had turned red. She had the odd urge to levitate Juliet's book without uttering a word or lifting her wand, although she felt embarrassed a moment later. She was being foolish.
"Why don't you rest while I read your essay?" she suggested. "I don't think it will be healthy for you to cram your head right now."
Juliet seemed utterly relieved to hear her and immediately dropped her head on the desk, burying her face in her arms. Dorcas's heart went out to her. The words her mother had told her replayed in her mind – your health is more important than your grades. It was an idea that wasn't understood by a lot of people, certainly not by Juliet's family. Her older brother, Caradoc Dearborn was a highly successful Auror and skilled in various fields, and she was expected the same from her parents. There was no one to tell her that her grades didn't matter as much as her health, both mental and physical; no one to tell her that her love for singing was a valid passion, that if she didn't want to have a conventionally respected career, she absolutely didn't need to.
She wished she could say those words to Juliet, that she could reassure her and validate her feelings. But she couldn't. She had no authority to.
She began to read the Potions essay, scrawled carelessly over the parchment in black ink. As she read, she realised how much effort Juliet had put into it – when she had begun tutoring her, she was far, far behind than her classmates, for she had ignored the subject out of sheer hatred for it. But the essay was good, better than she had expected. For a wild, selfish moment, Dorcas got sad because now Juliet wouldn't need her anymore, although she felt immediately guilty, and mentally reprimanded herself for thinking that way.
When she was halfway through reading the essay and noting down points she thought needed improvement, Juliet straightened herself. She rubbed her face and pulled out a book from her bag. "So what will I study now?" she asked, stifling a yawn.
Dorcas stared at her for a moment. "Nothing. Just sit down and rest. You deserve it."
"Are you sure? I need to revise Potions."
"You have done plenty," Dorcas reassured her. "Tell me about your holiday. How did you spend Easter?"
Juliet looked unsure for a moment, but eventually complied. She pushed away her books and emptied the space in front of her, spreading her arms over it. "Nothing to say really," she said with a shrug. "I just revised for the NEWTs. Why did you go home, by the way? Was there a particular reason?"
Dorcas told her about Noel, which led her to talk about her parents' divorce, and then about her stepbrother Lucas, who was starting Hogwarts coming September. She told her how Lucas was disappointed that she wouldn't be at Hogwarts anymore when he starts.
"I feel bad for the first years," said Juliet thoughtfully, bringing Dorcas to frown at her. Her mood seemed to have dropped suddenly. "Remember how excited we were when we started Hogwarts? Now they have to come here and listen to all the news about people dying or disappearing with no trace. Especially the muggleborns. Imagine how terrified they must be."
It was true. The number of deaths has increased drastically in the past few months. The radio, the Daily Prophet, all media sources had the same news everyday – a person missing, a person found dead under a bridge, a child lost and appearing a few days later with no memory. It was horrible, and Dorcas shivered simply thinking about it.
A few of the Slytherins have dropped out, which no one was foolish enough to think of as a coincidence, although everyone remained hushed up about the ongoings, afraid that one of their family members might make it to the news the next day. A fourth year Hufflepuff had to leave Hogwarts during the Easter holiday as both her parents, who were Ministry workers and were very expressive about their opinions of Voldemort, were slaughtered in their homes. A sixth year Gryffindor had gone to Hogsmeade and mysteriously disappeared; no one knew what happened to him, for Dumbledore, upon trying to contact his family had found their house deserted. Theories and rumours flew around the Hogwarts air, though no one dared to voice it out loud.
Dorcas completed reading the essay and rolled it up again, tying it loosely with a string. She didn't want to talk about the war, she didn't want to think about it. She watched as Juliet scratched the tabletop with a quill, causing scraggly lines to appear on the surface. Under normal circumstances, she would have stopped her, but now she couldn't care less.
"Sometimes," Juliet began, speaking in a quiet whisper, "I wonder why I am alive. What is my purpose? We humans are completely negligible when we look at the vastness of the universe. We don't matter, our actions don't matter. We are working our arses off to pass the NEWTs, but what use will that be? The earth will continue to circle the sun; even if the human race goes extinct, it won't make the slightest difference." She paused and looked at Dorcas, smiling shyly. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. I just feel so so insignificant sometimes. There are my parents and brother pressuring me to make them proud, but sometimes I feel like, if I am so insignificant to the universe, it doesn't matter what I do. I should make myself the first priority, I shouldn't do things I don't want to, I should make myself significant for me, because I'm not significant to anyone else. Is that selfish?"
Dorcas stared at her, with half astonishment and half admiration. She had never imagined Juliet to be like this, she just didn't seem like the kind of person to think about the universe and of the place of human beings in it. The more she hung out with her, the more she surprised her. And the more she began to adore Juliet.
Juliet was still scratching at the tabletop and she stopped her, taking the quill away from her gently. "It's not selfish," she said. "We need to think of ourselves. We will never be happy if we live trying to make everyone else around us happy."
"Thank you, Dorcas," she said, giving her a grateful smile. "It scares me, you know? Thinking about how small, how insignificant we are. It's only when I'm singing that I feel like I actually matter."
Dorcas didn't say anything, simply because she didn't know how to respond to that. Juliet didn't seem to mind, for she returned her attention to her books, pulling one out at random and turning to the first page. Then she frowned.
"Okay, I've been trying to ignore it," she said quietly, leaning towards her. "But I think he's been staring at you a lot." She tipped her head towards someone behind and to the left of Dorcas. "Cillian Davies. Ravenclaw, seventh year. He keeps looking over at you."
Dorcas turned her head, trying to be subtle. In one of the tables behind her, she saw him, Cillian, with two of his friends, reading and discussing. He was one of the most brilliant students of their year, charming and an excellent Quidditch player. She frowned as she turned back.
"I'm sure you are just mistaken," she said with a shrug.
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no one is ever just mistaken dorcas