"Get the hell up, Endo," Laurel shouted at me. "Rosco barely grazed you," she said as she brushed down her bay gelding.
I stood, weak kneed as I dusted myself, allowing the nausea to subsided a bit. "It doesn't take much if the kick is just right, dumbass."
She flipped her golden hair across her smooth, muscular shoulders, glancing at me with her blue eyes. "That's the problem with the world," she said eyeing me with pity, or disgust. It was hard to make out which between the tears blurring my vision. "Everyone thinks that men make the best warriors when a little flick fells you sodding shits like a well axed tree."
I moved to the log by the campfire. "That's the fourth time this week, Laurel. It happens again I'm roasting your fucking mule," I seethed as I lit my index finger on fire.
"Please, no," came Petra's soft voice as she emerged from the tent. "I hate wasting my magic to regrow your eyebrows."
That drew a derisive smirk from Laurel.
Betrayal. Why couldn't you support in my threat, Petra? I pursed my lips as I squinted at her. She ignored me and tended to the fire, our meal simmering in the large pot.
"Just sit there and stay useless," Laurel commanded as she pulled her saddle from Rosco. "We don't need to deal with another shitstorm because you wanted to help with something."
I turned and laid my back against the log, staring up at the dusky sky with a deep sigh. She wasn't wrong. I was a mess when it came to doing most chores. I tried to help set up the tent once. Ended up punching a hole through the roof and the girls made me sleep under it. It rained that night. The day after that I tried to help with the cooking and ended up burning everything, wasting a quarter of our rations in the process. The girls made me eat all the burnt food so none of it went to waste. And I absolutely refuse to help with the horses anymore. I want to have kids one day. Not like that dream would ever come true anyhow as my luck with women was clearly affected by the curse as well.
I am pretty much resigned to menial tasks that could have minimal impacts on our trio. Gathering firewood was the bulk of my work. Not complaining as it resulted in less work for me. I didn't care that Laurel had to do a large bulk of the manual labor, but I did feel bad for Petra as she was always kind and never said a foul word about it.
"Here," came Petra as she approached, bowl in hand. She set it down on the ground in front of me, a few feet away. There tended to be a bad habit of hot liquids dousing me whenever they were handed off.
"Thanks," I said as I sat down on the ground and dragged the fish soup slowly towards me. I leave bowls on whatever surfaces they are placed onto, never picking them up. I leaned far over as I ate, keeping the food from spilling onto my clothes. I had found unique ways to deal with the hand I had been dealt, not all of them were perfect but trial and error had led me to a moderate degree of success which resulted in living by a series of rules to combat my ill begotten luck.
Laurel joined us a moment later as she helped herself to the soup pot. She sighed as she rolled a spoonful in her mouth, then swallowed. "Your soup is the best Petra!"
Petra smiled quietly at her as she ate. Laurel would have told her the soup was amazing even if it was made from dog turds. Her infatuation with Petra was blatant, but honestly, who could blame her ? Petra was beautiful. Soft, fair skin, green eyes, her tiny mask of freckles across the bridge of her nose complimenting her chestnut hair. Her body was not muscular, like Laurel's, but it wasn't devoid of shape either. All the curves were just right. Her beauty, remarkable as it was, was not the thing I found most appealing about her. It was her loyalty, superseded only by her kindness. Her fierce determination and resolve that only showed up once in a while when her friends were in trouble. I admired it and returned it as best I could. Personally, I believed she just had a caregiver's complex. Someone who was driven to take care of those who couldn't tend to themselves, which is how we became friends in the first place. I had no chance with a girl like Petra. I knew it and so did Laurel.
"You'll make an amazing wife someday," said Laurel with a wink.
Petra just shrugged and ate another mouthful of her soup.
I eyed Laurel with contempt. Gods, that woman pisses me off. The incessant compliments and flirting towards Petra, while she maintained a barbed and malicious attitude towards me. I gripped my spoon tightly in anger. Why is she such a bitch? The spoon snapped in my hand audibly as the splinters pierced my palm. I loosed a string of curses while a thin trail of blood seeped from wound.
"Nice, dumbass," said Laurel as she smiled at my misfortune, turning back to her soup.
Petra rushed over to me, cradling my hand gingerly as she shot the warrior an angry look.
I scowled at Laurel, smugly eating her meal. "Shared Fate," I whispered under my breath, pointing at her. As she moved the bowl to her mouth to take a sip, it slipped from her hands and spilled across the front of her blouse. I chuckled as she loosed her own string of curses. A chuckle which ended abruptly as I noticed the unamused glare Petra fired at me. She pushed my injured hand away and returned to her seat by the fire, leaving me unhealed.
I moved to protest but I knew she had heard me say the spell. I knew she hated me using it on others, especially Laurel. Guess I was on my own with this one. I plucked the bits of wood from my palm and awkwardly bandaged it as Petra watched me from the side of her eye. I knew she desperately wanted to help but she also felt the need to teach me a lesson, which, knowing me, I probably didn't learn.
Laurel changed her shirt and sat back down at the fire. "So," she said, helping herself to another bowl of soup, "What are we going to do about this ogre."
"Well, I was thinking-," I began.
She raised her hand and cut me off with a stern look. "No, no. Not you. Your plans have a funny way of always going sideways. I'd rather hear from Petra."
I rolled my eyes. Of course, she wanted to hear from Petra.
"I honestly don't know much about ogres. Maybe we should watch and scout it for a day or two? Learn about its hunting methods?"
"Yea, I don't know much about ogres either. Maybe we-,"
"I happen to know a lot about ogres," I stated cutting her off.
"Take's one to know one, I guess," Laurel muttered under her breath.
I gave her a sharp look. "Look. I am not going to make up the plan, as we all know what happens when I come up with a plan. Absolute chaos. I am going to tell you guys what I know. You come up with the plan and I'll let you know if it's a good one or not. Like we always do."
"Your plans are so boring though!" her voice edging on child-like tantrum.
"Uh, not my plans. Your plans are boring. I just tell you what will and will not work."
"I think we should stick to the usual method," Petra interjected. "Endo's system hasn't let us down yet, really."
I smiled at her unexpected show of support. I spent the next few hours detailing ogre biology and hunting patterns as well as few tales of successful ogre hunts in the past from other adventures within our guild. Ogres were not uncommon in Littany, however they rarely ventured into human populated areas, as they preferred their solitude. They were a big enough threat that towns rarely dealt with them alone but a small enough threat they did not warrant the attentions of the Littany military. That's where the guilds came in and because the threat level was fairly substantial, we had a chance to pull in some serious coin for this job.
The next morning we scouted the area bright and early. I noted a nearby ravine as an excellent place for traps after noticing the heavy ogre foot traffic through the area. Laurel remained on the hillside, scouting the ravine for ideal trap locations while Petra and I met with a few of the local townspeople who had seen the ogre. Apparently, it was targeting farm plots and walking off with their cows.
We spent the day setting up two heavy traps at locations that Laurel had picked and much to my surprise, they were solid locations. We moved all livestock into one field bordering the wooded mountains the creature was living in and set up a ring of haybales to hide inside. The next part was the wait. It had been a week since the monster had taken off with the cows and based on its size it was due for another haul soon.
We sat there, hidden among the haystacks, downwind of the hillside as we watched the monster's preferred entrance to the farmlands. The night grew cold as the moon rose higher into the sky and the three of us huddled close together in an attempt to keep warm. As dawn began to break, the air grew colder, and our steamy breath lingered in the air.
I turned as Laurel sniffed me, "What are you doing?" I whispered, eyeing her up and down in the dim light.
"Did you freaking bathe today? You smell like shit." She whispered harshly, covering her nose and mouth.
I looked at Petra who winced slightly, nodding in agreement.
I hung my head slightly before responding, "I stepped in dog shit while we were in the town, ok? I can't seem to get it all off my boots."
"You stepped in it with both feet?" she choked back a laugh.
"Well, I did-," I saw her face contorted as she tried not to laugh. "Shut up." I said turning away from her.
The sound of stifled laughter made me grin a bit, "Shhhh," I said, "Don't give away our position."
Laurel quieted down and looked out through the gaps in the haybales across the field towards the narrow gorge. Small steaks of morning sun danced along the horizon at our backs.
Laurel whispered again, grinning stupidly, "I sure hope the wind doesn't shift." A suppressed laugh resounded again. This time it came from Petra.
I smiled and turned to her, "Really Petra?"
She grinned as she opened her mouth to respond. A response that never left her lips as a distressed bray echoed across the silent plain, followed by several other cries from the cattle as they spooked and ran in their enclosure. My head shot up over the haystack, followed by Petra and Laurel's.
"The fucking traps didn't work!" cried Laurel, clambering atop the stack.
I scanned the field, "It didn't come through the ravine!" I looked out towards the herd and balked as a massive grey figure hoisted a large heifer onto its shoulders and ambled towards the forest, away from the traps.
"Come on!" she shouted, hopping down from the hay and giving chase.
I spat in anger and began to run after her, Petra following closely behind me. She sprinted like a woman possessed, her heavy armor doing little to hinder her pace. As she drew near, she yelled a mighty battle cry, brandishing her spear overhead. The dull looking ogre, two stories tall, turned around slowly, and regarded us. It's bulbous nose leaking a thick, greenish-grey, goop as it flashed a bucktoothed smile. It rolled the cow off its shoulder, which crashed to the ground in a pitiful wail.
Petra stopped mid stride, placing her hand over her mouth in shock, "Oh, the poor cow."
I shouted at her over my shoulder, "Petra! Not the fucking time!" as I continued to run.
The ogre picked up it's massive foot and attempted to squash the encroaching Laurel. She dove, rolling out from under the creature's reach and thrusting with her spear as she stood, catching the monster on his ankle. Its face contorted as the dense grin was replaced with an expression of anger and pain. I cast wards and barriers around Laurel as I approached, protecting her from varying degrees of physical harm. The creature, instantly turned his attentions towards me, bellowing a fearsome roar.
Shit, again?
I turned and began running in the opposite direction. The ground shook as the creature's large feet pounded the ground in pursuit.
I didn't fucking stab you, you dick!
I turned sharply as I felt the foot stomps closing in. Ogres can't corner as well as humans. I sprinted towards the forest, the creature howling at me in frustration as it lost the distance it had gain. It barreled after me again. I could feel the ground quaking at it's approach as I executed another fast turn, running back towards Petra and Laurel. It's roar was loud and thunderous like a drunk man pissed at a summer fly interrupting his stupor.
"LAUREL! LAUREL! LAUREL! LAUR-ALLLLL!" I yelled panicking as I sprinted towards them, "Kill it! Kill it, please!"
"How!?" she said turning as she watched me make an arching pass, the ogre closing in behind me.
"I can't tell you, dumbass! It wont work if I do!" I called out, my chest heaving as I ran passed them. The ogre ignored them completely and continued its single minded pursuit.
Two sharp turns again and I hurdled the fence in hopes it would slow the thing down. It didn't as I heard the splintering of timber explode behind me. I moved into the open field as the cows scattered at my swift approach. The bovine cries echoed in the air as the ogre stomped through the herd, kicking and stepping on them as it passed. I ran by our haystacks near the ravine and an idea struck me. I made another turn and ran towards my companions who stood there watching me, dumbstruck.
"PETRAAAA!! Please! Tell me to do something," I ran up to her, grabbing her hands in mine, pleading for her to understand. "Tell me to do something with the traps!"
She stared at me in confusion. Laurel hurled her spear, which bit deeply into the monster's chest as it came booming after me. I took off again, leaving Petra with a wondering look as the ogre blew passed her. I watched her as I ran, seeing a realization wash over her face. I made another sharp pair of turns as the ogre neared me, passing them again.
"Lead him to the ravine! Use the traps!"
Thank the gods she figured it out. My legs felt like rubber. I was sick of this shit. I should have freaking known this was going to happen. This was so stupid. Of course, Laurel wanted to go after an ogre quest. She's never the fucking target! I ran towards the ravine; the grey lanky asshole was hot on my heels as I surged up the hill. I had watched and mapped where both traps had been placed. I jumped a trip rope, eyeing the large spiked ball that hung in the air. I jumped a second, confirming that the two large logs were still in place. I hurdled a fallen log a head of me, as I landed the ground gave way and I fell into a deep pit. The impact launched the air from my lungs as I bounced off the far pit wall and struck the bottom. My vision swam as I saw the silhouette of the ogre looming over the mouth of the hole, its dim-witted grin returning across its rectangular shaped head. It took a step forward as it moved toward me. I scrambled to me feet, pressing my back against the dirt wall. A snap of taunt cord and shattering of sticks pulled its attention away as it turned just in time to see a log, suspended on thick rope sailing towards its dumb face. What it didn't see was the second log coming from behind its head, soaring like a gigantic arrow crashing through the tree. The two logs collided with the creature's head simultaneously, in an explosion of brain and viscera. The gore splattered across my face and chest and I looked on in horror as the ogre's body swayed under the impact and fell across the log on the ground that I had jumped. Its neck cavity held suspended above the pit, dosing me in more foul-smelling fluids. And luck being what it is, I got to see first hand and up close what it looked like when a headless body decided to vomit.
Petra and Laurel ran up the hill in the ravine.
"Endo?!" Petra called out, "Endo, where are you?"
I spat, attempting to remove dribblings of ogre sputum from my lips before speaking, "I'm down here."
They approached slowly, peering down at me in disgust as I stood there, knee deep in bits and bile, covered in various liquids.
"I have two questions." I said, as I spat again, staring at the dirt wall, refusing to look at them. "Who dug this pit?"
"Uh, I did." Laurel said sheepishly, pinching her nose.
My head snapped upwards towards her, "WHEN THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TIME TO DIG A PIT THIS DAMNED DEEP!?"
"When you and Petra were talkin' to the townies." She winced slightly as her head sank just below the edge of hole, hiding her mouth. "You mad?"
I gritted my teeth as I returned my gaze back at the pit wall, ignoring the stupidity of her question. "Could someone just get me a rope, please?"
"That's technically three questions," smirked Laurel, as her head popped back up.
"I CAN FUCKING COUNT, YOU TWIT! NOW GET ME THE GODS' DAMNED ROPE!" I snapped my face upward and both heads swiftly retreated out of sight.
I'm gonna kill her.