09 May 2018
20:34
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an epilogue & a prologue ;
Dear someone,
It's been an eventful couple days.
Usually my posts are about things that happened so far back into the past that I've had time to really think them through and conjure thoughts on them.
Before getting ahead of myself,
Surprise!
I'm back, and by the looks of your previous comments, lots of you didn't think I would be, especially so soon. To be honest with you, I never intended to come back at all.
This blog kind of became an awful reminder of how much shit I've had to endure, and the thought of coming back here felt like rehashing a past that's only brought pain and confusion.
I wanna make it clear, right now, how much I appreciate all the support and advice you've all given me.
You've been the friends I needed when no one else could be.
You've confided and let me share in your pain and secrets too.
I know from the mixed comments on the last two entries that not all of you will be so glad about what I'm going to tell you, but please just keep in mind that I'm in a better place at the moment than I've been in a while.
And that's because of Starry Eyes.
Hear me out, all of my skeptical, overprotective readers.
After my post at prom, I was feeling really overwhelmed and sad and I just needed to get away from it all. But before I could well and truly escape, he came after me. He was there, in all his ethereal beauty and he was being so him, after all this time of distancing himself from me.
Believe me, I didn't wanna forgive him, but after talking things out and getting his perspective on things... I realised that, although what he'd done was so shitty, I didn't know the whole story. And even though that wasn't my fault either, I understood because hiding how you feel from someone is something I'm familiar with. He just went about it differently.
Plus, everyone deserves a second chance, right?
So I kissed that son of bitch like the world was ending, because really, I have nothing to lose and I selfishly still want him.
I let my lips tell his all the things my voice could not.
And to be quite frank, it was perfect.
Especially when he kissed me just as fiercely before spouting one of his ridiculously cute 'did you know's'.
My lips did that.
The rest of the night was over quickly and we somehow ended up at his place talking and eating ice cream pizza at 2am. About half way, he put them aside and pushed me back into the expanse of pillows on his bed, climbing onto me.
I'll spare you the details.
The important thing is, I asked him how long. How long he'd felt anything for me, if he'd even really known before that night. He didn't wanna look at me and I got really scared.
Scared that after everything he'd said to me, that it actually didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Scared that I'd unsuspectingly become a one night stand, something in the moment and nothing more. It caused the ever present weight on my shoulders to grow heavier and I could feel the familiar sadness settling in the pits of my stomach.
Then he said something completely unexpected.
He found this stupid blog.
Can you say, gay-fucking-panic.
When I started writing this blog in the middle of junior year, a few months before that mysterious summer, I didn't think it'd get this much attention. I was looking for an escape; a way to make sense of how my life had gone to shit so quickly.
I barely committed to writing consistent entries and left you all hanging for weeks, even months at a time. Entry five even triggered one of my depressive episodes, so I stayed away from writing. I mean, I only wrote entry six during the December of senior year because I was alone and contemplating stuff about dad and how it had affected how junior year went down.
But somehow...
Before he left, he'd heard from one of his friends in one of the multiple clubs he's in, of this blog, chronicles of a golden boy, about a boy who's hopelessly in love with another boy. I guess it piqued his interest.
And once he'd read it, a few days after that summer began, he fell off the earth. He just knew it was me. He hadn't realise I felt this way and in assessing my feelings he found it confused his own.
Hence Valentina being his only trusted confidant. He didn't know how he truly felt for me, and if any of his new feelings were influenced by this new knowledge.
So he made the choice to distance himself.
A choice that forced us to grow separately, but has strengthened our bond now.
In retrospect, I could've been more subtle about the events that went down in the blog.
Then again, if I was, I wouldn't have gotten the boy. Because despite what my nut-sack says, I had no balls when it came to him.
I suppose you wanna know, what now, Golden Boy?
Well, I don't know.
School wise, the arts and theatre college he's going to has different locations across the country, so he's gonna try transfer to one closer to the university I'm going to. We don't have every aspect worked out, yet, but that's okay.
I still have mental health issues to work through, what with my depression and crippling anxiety, but I'm also the happiest I've been since dad, especially around Starry Eyes. It's a weird mix, but it's how I feel.
Don't worry, I'm being cautious with my heart. I don't know how long this happiness will last (I can only hope for the rest of my life), but just in case, I wanna milk every drop of it and enjoy it while I have it. While I have him. Before the future becomes uncertain.
Because Golden Boy finally got Starry Eyes.
It's was only six years late, but who the fuck cares?
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that love and happiness comes at the price of risk.
It might seem like you'll die sad and alone because you accidentally gave all of your heart to one person and they don't even know they have it, but they do and now you don't know how to get it back in one piece-
Trust me, I was there too -
But it's possible to feel happiness and love again. Not everyone gets it, but it's possible. And it doesn't have to be with that person - mine was sheer dumb luck - but I hope you find it, that content-ness, and I hope it'll fill you up, till you're brimming with nothing else.
They say good friends help you to find important things when you've lost them - your smile, your hope and your courage - and Starry Eyes did just that for me.
Even if our ending wasn't so smooth.
Here's to the futures and whatever it holds, because even if we don't work out, you'll always have me and a part of my heart, Starry Eyes.
Here's to the end of one book, but the beginning of another - the epilogue of our old story and the prologue of our new one.
I guess this is it. I should thank you all, for listening when you didn't have to.
So thanks :)
Love always,
- golden boy
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[ now it's the end-end ]