Got me all messed up
His love is my favorite
But you plus me
Sadly can be dangerous
- Kill this Love, Blackpink
When I had first signed up for this book workshop, I thought it was going to be fun. I did not think we would be sitting and reading books and having topic discussions. Which was really stupid of me since that is exactly what happens at book workshops and now I'm left wondering why the hell I agreed to do this in the first place. But the thought of Joon being present there made me not want to withdraw my money and leave. Ah complications.
It felt like I was back in University and that's the one place I had sworn to never experience again in my life but I was not just going to let my money go down the drain. So I was attending our second class. And I was going to keep attending, for a month and half now. Just great.
Plus the sole reason I could surivive today's class was because I was eager to just drag Joon to coffee later and ask him what happened after that night. Did him and Jamie break up, did things work out? I was curious even if knowing it would kill me.
“Today we'll be talking about a particular genre. Something widely popular. Romance, especially teenage romance. They're the fastest type of books that sell in the publishing industry. So I want a honest feedback from every one of you, what do you think is a great love story?” Afua spoke up.
I had taken the liberty to actually go nack home the previous class and google her name, and I really needed to say it. I was really living under a rock not knowing such a magnificent woman was living on the same land as me. She was an inspiration.
But right now her question was disappointing me too much. I came to class thinking, I would finally get a break from the topic of love.
Guess we were back to Square one. Why couldn't we just kill love?
Everyone answered following in a row wise order. Of course I sat at the back so I had a lot of time to come with a generic answer. Until my phone buzzed.
Olly: Hey. Tomrrow 2. Tux fitting. I'll text the address don't be late.
4:15 pm
Seen
Great so we were already off to wedding shopping. This was excellent. Just awesome
Me: Cool I'll be there.
4:16 pm
“Um Yara? You still with us?”
I looked up from my screen towards a score of people staring at me, “Huh? I- I'm so sorry.”
The room was filled with laughter while I turned more and more crimson. Everyone eyed me mischievously and murmured amongst themselves. I felt like sinking lower down into my chair and disappearing into thin air.
I saw Afua trying to hold back her laughter as well, “It's okay Yara. Anyways, what are your thoughts on love?”
“Love. Oh, that's scary,” The words slipped out of my mouth before I had the chance to properly frame them. Again the entire hall erupted in laughter.
“To be honest, I don't think I've ever fell in love like it is described in the books. I don't even know if I have ever experienced love in general. But I feel like the books put a lot of effort in showing that love is like this huge thing, with a lot of obstacles in road to attain it. Won't that be too tiring?” Everyone erupted into laughter once more. I should try being a stand-up comic after this.
“I don't understand why is the main obstacle in between love always a person. Like a love triangle. Sometimes the biggest obstacle is a person themselves, aren't they?”
“I mean sometimes we can't even bring ourselves to fall in love since we're so afraid of it. Something holding us back. Why do books never talk about that?”
The laughter had now changed into appreciative whispers and smiles, the discussion was now changed to my though process and everyone was now discussing story prompts based on my idea. I kind of felt proud at the moment. I could see everyone mind-mapping their thoughts excpet for one. Joon.
He was not mind-mapping at all, at least I think he was not. Because they way he kept staring my way, I was pretty sure the only thing in his head right now was me.
“It's my turn to treat you to coffee, isn't it?”
Wide eyed, he turned towards me and then instantly relaxed looking at my face.
“Of course. I'll follow after you, lead the way, Your Highness,” he replied chuckling.
I laughed at his description shaking my head, “You're so extra.”
He grinned, “That I am.”
We found the same place we sat at last time, and called dibs on it.
After a period of comfortable silence, our drinks arrived. Iced lemon tea and Sweet Milk Bubble tea.
“So, spill. What happened? Did she confess?”
I'd clear this out before any of you asked. Yes this did not feel like a doctor and patient conversation at all. It felt like two friends gossiping. And the worst part was, I wasn't complaining.
He cutely sipped on his bubble tea, his eyes wide. I almost wanted to grab his face with my hands and cry telling him how adorable he looked.
He clicked his tongue and started, “She did. Not that night particularly, she fidgeted around some more. Tried to avoid it and went to sleep restless. She broke the news to me the next morning while we were sipping coffee. She kind of caught on that we knew about it, especially you.”
“God. She must be hating me for pushing her on this topic.” I murmured hiding my face under my palms as I sadly chuckled.
“Not really, it was quite the opposite. She was eternally grateful to you. She had been wanting to confess this to me for a long time. But she just couldn't muster up the courage. She did not want to break my heart, especially when she misinterpret me coming to you as a try to fixing our relationship.”
“She apologized so many times and I confessed how I knew beforehand and accepted that I had read her journal. She was a mess, she cried a lot and I had to reassure her that I was okay. She seems happy now.”
He coughed awkwardly, “There is one more thing ”
“What is it?”
“Um she said and I quote, I don't know, I severely dislike her cocky attitude but she knows the shit she is talking about.”
I sat a bit stunned, and then laughed, “Well. She's pretty right. I knew she did not like me enough.”
He grinned along with me and I realized, “Hey, that means you're no longer my patient.”
He smiled realizing and nodded. His smile falling a little as he processed it.
“Aww that's sad, I can't call you with the excuse of asking how you are holding up.”
I kept grinning and he stared at me a bit dumbfounded, it took me a minute to realize what I said and I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth.
YOU HAD ONE JOB YARA.
“I'm sorry, that sounds so wrong, shit. I did not mean it like that.”
“It's okay.” He said silently and fiddled with his straws looking down at the boba floating in his tea.
I sipped on my tea to avoid the awkwardness too.
“You can call without any excuse too, you know?’’
I looked up at him, “What?”
He sighed, “Come on, we're good friends too, right? I mean that's what I feel. So you can call me anytime--”
He paused a bit hesitating, “I'd like to be friends with you, Yara.”
I stared at him for the longest time, it has been a while since someone wanted to be my friend. Moreover someone has been this nervous to ask for my friendship. His antics made my heart swell in my chest and a surge of happiness rushed through me. Even when I knew I should not. The circumstances we met through are not ideal to be friends. Yet I did not want to say no. It's not everyday people want to be friends with me.
“S-sure. I'd like that very much.”
He broke into a smile, all gums and teeth out. He continued smiling, looking down at the table and then continued, “Since we're friends now. Let me ask, is our workshop boring?”
“What? No, why would it be boring?”
“Well something on your phone was more interesting than the conversation going around. So I figured.”
I turned red again and smiled embarrassed,“Oh come on, you're teasing me now.”
He laughed a little, “I'm curious though, what was so interesting?”
I sighed, looking at him, “You're gonna think I'm crazy.”
“I have seen a lot of crazy. Try me.”, He said folding his arms over his chest and slouching back.
“Okay. Here goes nothing.” I braced myself to finally share whatever I had in me with this guy, I had known for little over a week.
Who had been nothing but exceptionally good to me and I bonded with him faster than I expected, so I went all out, unfiltered.
“Huh, wow okay. Wow.”
And I definitely made a mistake of being unfiltered because he was clearly judging me.
“See, I knew this was a bad idea.”
“Wait, what no. I'm just processing whatever you told me. So this guy, you break up with him and then about four months later he is marrying someone? Let me repeat, marrying?”
“I'm pretty sure I stated thrice that I'm his best man.”
“Wow, he is an absolute idiot.”
“Wait why?”
“He clearly used you here.”
I stared at him puzzled, “Joon, we both used each other.”
“Yeah, no I get that part. But clearly he is not getting affected even the least whereas you, even though you were not in love hurting. Because you felt something right? He clearly used you because he just wanted to have someone, at least I think so. I hate to break it to you.”
“You really think so?”
His eyes flickered for a second and he toughened up, “I know so.”
He sighed, “Besides which idiot wouldn't want to be with you?”
I immediately went red and coughed awkwardly and he turned wide-eyed too. Immediately waving his hands in a motion of no and started, “Okay, I sound so desperate right now. I did not mean it like that, what I meant was I think you're a wonderful person and anybody would want you.”
I could not help but chuckle at his cute antics and went ahead to grab his hands and stop his fidgeting.
“Joon stop.”
I grinned, “I know, I'm pretty awesome.”
“You are.”
I sighed, “But sometimes being awesome isn't enough. Sometimes you are the obstacle in your happiness.”
He glanced at me, studying me like was one of his books he was about to edit, “This is what you were talking about during the session today right? About yourself? You being afraid of love.”
“It's so pathetic right? I'm a relationship therapist, yet I cannot treat myself.”
“It does not work like that, Yara.”
“What do you mean?”
“I am a editor. A pretty awesome editor if you ask me, but I turn a blind eye to flaws when it comes to the stories I write because in my eyes they all are perfect, even if I know some parts sound odd, I'll keep writing them. Until my senior points out to me my mistakes. This kept happening all through my first year at my workplace. From the second year, I started to recognize when I made flaws. Love is just like that, and people too.”
“You right now, know that you're missing out here because of your fears. But at the same time you don't realize what's wrong. Or even if you know, you don't want to say it because you know that will chnage things for you. And you're not ready for that kind of comittment. And it's okay. Someday you will be ready to face it.”
I laughed a little too loud, “Oh god, Joon. Wow this is so shameful. Aren't I supposed to be the therapist?”
He grinned shamelessly, “I'm not your patient anymore Yara.”
He was right, he wasn't. He was right about everything. I knew what was holding me back, and I did not want to say it out loud in the fear that even if it's out, I would still be scared, I would still run away.
And I won't even have a reason for running away from love then, what would I do after that?
a/n: I'm sorry for not updating in a long while, Idk really when I will again. I'm spiraling again. I've once more reached writer's block and I just don't have the motivation to write now. I'll update with whatever is in my drafts right now but then updates will slown down.
I also have my exams, and adulting sucks big time so yeah. Bare with me please.
Love, Jazz.