Knowing very well I was the reason Niall got expelled made me want to throw up. It wasn't his fault and he shouldn't suffer because of me. But I couldn't go back to the office and tell them once again that the drugs were mine because I knew very well they wouldn't believe me, and if I told them the truth, it would ruin everything for Harry, and I was afraid of what that would do to our relationship.
There had to be something I could do though. Niall had worked so hard for his future and he shouldn't just throw that away over me. Of course it made me happy that he was willing to do something like that for me but at the same time it made me feel guilty and extremely selfish. Niall was a good student. He had never had any problems before and he had always worked hard, so maybe if I talked to the school they would let him back in, however, it would probably be pointless. I didn't have any money to offer and though the school might disagree I knew that was an important aspect.
"Trinny?" Harry called out from behind me and though I should be happy that he was here I wasn't. Too much was going on in my life at the moment, and if it hadn't been for him, things would have been a lot less complicated.I faked him a smile and played with a lose string at the hem of my shirt.
"I heard you're back in class." He sounded excited, and I couldn't blame him, but I just couldn't be excited because I knew what it meant for Niall.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"What's wrong?" He sounded worried.
"Well it isn't fair," I told him, and by the look on his face I realized I had revealed too much. Harry didn't know about Niall, and I had planned to keep it that way, but now it seemed like there was no way I could hide it any longer.
"What are you talking about?"
"Niall told the chancellor the drugs were his, and he's now expelled because of me."
"Niall as in Niall Horan?" He asked, and I gave him a nod in response. "Why would he do that when it wasn't his?" He furrowed his eyebrows, and I was scared of what might happen when he figured out the truth.
"He did it for me." I bit my bottom lip.
"Why would he do that?"
"Because he loves me," I mumbled and Harry's eyes went wide.
"As far as I know the two of you don't know each other. What aren't you telling me?" He was furious but there wasn't any way back now, and I just hoped it didn't end in tears.
"We used to date."
"You did what? Do you have any idea how stupid that makes me look!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Having one of your mates being with your girlfriend without you knowing is definitely making you look like a fool. How could you do this?"
"I didn't do anything. Niall and I were together before I even met you. I have known him for as long as I can remember."
"And you didn't care to tell me. Why?" He was upset, and I didn't blame him. Had the roles been reversed I'd be the one throwing a fit.
"I didn't think it was that important. I didn't want to bring up an old wound. I knew you would just get upset."
''I deserved to know. Do you still love him?" He sat down in the couch with his head in his hands. "You know what don't answer that! I can't believe I've been this stupid."
I sat down next to him in silence before placing a hand on his cheek. "To answer your question: yes I do love him. But not like that. I love him like a friend, a brother. But I'm not in love with him. I never was. For a while though I thought I was, because being with him felt safe. He made me feel better, and I depended on him with everything that happened in my life. But the only person I've ever been in love with is you. Please know that." I caressed his cheek, and he turned to look at me.
"You should still have told me!"
"I know, but please don't go beat him up or anything like that. We don't choose who we fall for." I gave him a smile and pecked his lips waiting for a reaction.
"You sure there is nothing between the two of you?"
"I swear. Just friends or we used to be. Not sure where we stand anymore. I just really wish I could help him, you know. He shouldn't jeopardize his future over me."
Harry clenched his teeth and I was sure it was because he knew that it was only partially my fault. It was after all his drugs, and I knew he'd never confess. I didn't blame him though, yet part of me wished he had just told Mrs. Donovan the truth when he had the chance. "He'll be okay," Harry whispered and though it wasn't the words I longed to hear, I hoped he was right because I feared Niall would end up with no job and no future because of his lack of education. And then it would be all because of me.
"Can we just forget about all this?" I asked wanting to put things aside even if just for a little while.
"I still want to beat him up."
"But he has done me a favor. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't see me in class ever day. I would say you owe him," I smiled, and I could tell he wasn't too pleased by my words.
He ran a hand through his hair and tugged on it. "Guess you're right. But then what if I want to beat up Justin. Am I allowed to do that?"
"Yes, you got my full permission. Though I'm not one for violence."
He smiled at me with a nod, and I just hoped he wouldn't beat Justin up either. I might not have liked the guy, but I didn't want Harry to get hurt.
"So am I really the only guy you've ever been in love with?" He looked me deeply in the eyes, and I started blushing.
"I didn't say that." I looked down. I didn't like the way he was looking at me though it did give me butterflies and an increasing heartbeat.
"You are the only girl I've ever been in love with," he whispered in my ear and whether it was his words or the warmth of his breath on my skin, I didn't know, but it made goose bumps arise all over my body nonetheless. With hesitance I looked up afraid that he had been joking, but the intenseness in his eyes told me otherwise. "I love you." I choked out. It was quite difficult to find my voice in that moment.
He brushed my hair away from my shoulder and planted a chaste kiss on it. "I love you more," he spoke before his eyes met mine. And despite Niall's words, I knew Harry had been worth losing my education for. He loved me just like I loved him and nothing would come between that.
"I don't deserve you," He said.
"What?" I was taken aback by Harry's words.
"You are way too good to me."
"That's not true you should give yourself more credit." I said placing my fingers in his hair and looked at his face. "I love you, Harry. I always will. And not because of your extremely good looks or contagious smile."
He laughed.
"But because of your kind heart. Because you see me for me, and not an orphan or a girl who needs to be fixed. Because you make me happy like no one else. We fight yes, and sometimes I feel like we're an old married couple. But we always make up and I love that. Being in love is not about constantly being happy, but being sad too but still finding our way through. I'm not perfect and nothing in this life is, but when I'm with you I feel like I am. I feel special."
"You are perfect to me," he said and looked into my eyes again. My heart skipped a beat at his words and I blushed once more.
"I love you so much, Harry. Please always remember that. And I'm sorry for not telling you about Niall but it's in the past and there is no one else I want but you, okay?"
"Okay." He pushed me down on the couch and laid on top of me. "So damn perfect," he said before placing a kiss to my lips making me smile into it. I knew neither of us were perfect, but in that moment it definitely felt like everything was. The kiss was rough with him playing with my tongue, but I never wanted it to stop. I wanted to stay in this moment forever. I wanted to feel all of him. I was ready.
I put all the passion I had into the kiss and reached for his flannel to pull it off of him. "Trin, we don't have to do this." He smiled, and I felt my heart drop. Maybe he didn't want to do this? Or maybe to him it was all about the sex.
"Oh okay. I just thought' I mean it's fine if you don't want to." My words came out in a blur, and I felt worse by the second.
"Love, there is nothing I want more than to show you how much you truly mean to me. But I don't want to push you."
"You aren't pushing me. I want this," I spoke quietly.
He pecked my lips and got off the couch reaching out for my hand. "C'mon." He gave me a smile, and I took his hand before he led us to the bedroom. I got down on the bed and before Harry joined me he pulled off his flannel. He was on top of me soon after, and I couldn't help but stare at his naked torso. I knew he worked out, and I had had him close to me like this plenty of times before yet this time felt different from any of the ones prior, I was sure I was blushing like a school girl.
"You like what you see?" He chuckled.
"Don't flatter yourself, Styles." I tried to be witty, but I was sure my confidence had gone down the drain a long time ago. He smiled and placed his lips back on mine while pushing up my shirt to caress my stomach with his hands. Goosebumps arose all over my skin yet again, and my heartbeat ran a hundred miles per hour. I wanted him, I did. Yet, I couldn't help but think of the last time this had happened and how much it had hurt. It had definitely turned into my worst nightmare, and though I knew Harry was different I just couldn't let the thought go.
"What's wrong?" He sounded worried, and I felt terrible for doing this to him all the time. Clearly he had sensed my nerves.
"It's just-" I paused and sat up on my elbows and he tilted my chin so I was looking at him. "The last time this happened. It hurt and it wouldn't stop. I just don't want to go through that again."
He clenched his teeth and his facial expression made a turn for the worse. "I'm not him. I promise you, this won't be like last time. If you tell me to stop I'll stop, and I'll do anything I can not to hurt you. Just tell me if you don't want to do it."
"I want to." I looked down, and took a deep breath. "But what if I'm not good enough. What if it's not what you expected and I'm just going to disappoint."
"You won't." He pecked my lips.
"How do you know?"
"Because I love you, and there's nothing I want more than to do this with you. We'll go slow, and the minute you tell me to stop I'll stop. Trust me you won't disappoint my body is already going mad for you," he said, and I felt the bulge in between his legs. Honestly it helped the entire situation because it let me know he was speaking the truth. He did want me.He pulled my cardigan off and placed kisses up my arm to my collar bone where he started sucking. A moan escaped my mouth and though the thought itself made me blush I knew I wanted his lips elsewhere. As if reading my thoughts Harry pulled back and started pulling my jeans down and I felt tingles run through my body in excitement. I was covered in goose bumps, but I was enjoying every second of this.
"I like the effect my touch has on you." He smiled at me and if possible I think I fell a little harder for him in that moment. His green eyes seemed to be glistening and my heart was melting. I loved seeing him this happy and it felt nice being able to push all our problems aside for once.
I pulled him closer to me by his nape and ranked my fingers through his hair. It had gotten quite long, much longer than I think he had intended it to. I smiled into the kiss, and though this whole thing made me slightly embarrassed I knew I was ready for him. His hand ran up my thigh and my body twitched by his touch. "I wonder if you are ready for me yet." He gave me a devilish smile, and suddenly I felt his hand going into my panties. I surely hadn't expected him to do that, but what he did next took me even further by surprise. He placed a finger inside of me, and my body twitched again.
"Relax, love. You seem really tense." He gave me a smile, and I couldn't help but smile back.
"Sorry," I apologized feeling like I was 15 again.
"Don't apologize for this." He took the finger out of me and ran it down my leg. Sparks seemed to ignite by his touch and ran through my body in an intense warmth. It felt like a thousand butterflies was nestling in my tummy.
"You want to know how much you mean to me?"
I nodded and what came next was totally unexpected. He took my panties off and ran them down my legs before throwing them on the floor. I lifted my hips up in reflex but he quickly pushed them back down and positioned his head in front of my entrance.
"Harry- what are you-?"
"Shhh. Just enjoy it," he said and his breath on my lower region was making my body vibrate. Before I could even comprehend what was happening I felt his lips on my entrance, and I became more vulnerable than I had ever been before, but at the same time I had never felt more treasured. My eyes shut and my hands instinctively clutched to the sheets beneath me. "Open your eyes, love," Harry said, and it only sounded like a whisper as I had already gone to a different place. I looked down at him and watched as he traced more kisses over me before I felt his wet tongue on my folds. I wanted to scream or yell or do something, but the only sound leaving my mouth was small moans reassuring him that I enjoyed it. I buckled my hips, but he held me down in place while he worked his magic on me. Never had I known something that seemed so simple could feel so amazing. Soft moans kept escaping my lips along with his name. Had I known this was what I had missed out on, I would have given in a long time ago, despite what had happened with Justin. Harry wasn't anything that Justin was. Harry was sweet and caring and if I hadn't thought of him as perfect earlier I definitely did in that moment. I felt Harry's thumb over my clit while he continued to use his tongue on me, and I got this foreign feeling within me. Never had something felt so good before. My whole body seemed to be on fire and a shockwave seemed to run through me before my body started quivering, and I went numb. I was breathing heavily which seemed weird since I hadn't really been doing anything.
Harry's hands caressed my sides, and he looked up at me licking his lips. I gulped, and he gave me this gorgeous smile I had fallen in love with a long time ago. "You alright?"
I nodded unable to speak. I had heard about people not getting their first orgasm until they were like 30, and if I weren't mistaken that was exactly what I had just had, and I hadn't even reached my twenties yet. Harry placed his lips on mine and gave me a smile. It felt weird tasting myself, but at the same time it made me more aroused than I was before. "How did it feel?"
"Amazing," I blurted out and felt slightly embarrassed so I looked down avoiding his gaze.
"Good. Now don't hide from me, love. I've already seen too much of you for you to be embarrassed and can I tell you a secret?" He whispered in my ear and pulled my top upwards.
"What?" I asked as if I was begging on my knees eager to know.
"Seeing your body react when it hit its high is the hottest thing I've ever seen," he smirked, and I hit his chest in a playful manner.
"Stop it!" I said not being quite used to his dirty talk.
"I'm serious," he said placing a hand on his chest. "Please remember there is no pressure. We don't need to do this and if you say stop, I'll stop," he told me while pulling the top over my head leaving me in nothing but my bra, which instinctively made me cover my stomach.
He chuckled. "Please stop hiding from me."
"It's just, I've never been this exposed to anyone before." I confessed and he gave me a confused look. "Justin just stripped me out of my jeans and undies. He had too much trouble getting my bottom up shirt off of me so he didn't bother." I cringed by the memory, but Harry for some reason looked surprisingly happy.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me."
I shot him a confused glare and he pecked my forehead. "It's nice knowing he hasn't touched all of you. That means he hasn't touched you here." He placed a kiss right beneath my bra. "Or here." Another kiss was placed in between my breasts and his hands unclasped the bra pulling it off of me. "Or here." He chuckled placing a kiss on my right breast.
I couldn't help but giggle at his silliness. I had no idea something like that would mean so much, but the smile in his eyes made me nothing but happy. "So beautiful." He smiled at me, and I bit my bottom lip believing every word he said. Even if I didn't feel beautiful Harry definitely made sure I did.
"I love you." I placed my hands on his back and pulled him towards me so my lips met his.
"And I love you. Now I better get these off before my jeans rip."
I looked at the bulge in his jeans and couldn't help but laugh. I had no idea how it felt, but I was sure that it couldn't be a pleasant feeling, and I ushered for him to take them off probably getting a bit too eager. When he had taken off the jeans it didn't take long before his boxers were off as well and seeing him fully exposed made that bit of discomfort come back. With his size it would hurt, I was sure it would, and I already felt an uneasiness in my body. "Hey, this will be okay," he promised. I knew the look on my face told me that I wasn't in for this, and I hated myself for it.
"You'll go slow?"
"Super slow. Trinny if you don't want to do this, we won't."
"But I want to," I whispered not sounding convincing to either of us.
"You sure?"
I nodded and though I found his constant asking slightly annoying, I loved him for it. I loved that he cared enough about me to constantly make sure I was okay and wasn't pushing me into something I didn't want to do. "Well let's make sure you are ready for me then," he said and before I even realized what he meant I felt two fingers inside of me pumping up and down.
"You're cheeky," I breathed out between moans and his hand found its way to my cheek instead.
"And you're definitely ready for me." He laughed, and I rolled my eyes before he found a condom and slid it onto himself. He placed a sweet tender kiss on my lips. It wasn't hungry or lustful it was passionate and soft and just as I was enjoying his lips on mine, I felt him enter me making a small whimper leave my mouth. It hurt. I would lie if I said it didn't, but it wasn't an uncomfortable pain, and Harry slowly pushed himself even further. The feeling was strange yet in a way, I felt complete, and I was happy I was finally doing this for both of us. I needed this to put everything with Justin in the past. When I didn't think he could go any deeper he went even further and blocked a moan from leaving my lips with his own. "I love you." He repeated his words from earlier and began pushing back and forth. At first, it hurt but the pain quickly subsided and what ran through me was nothing but pleasure. I placed my hands on his shoulder blades and pulled him closer, but as he went faster I couldn't help but dug my nails into his skin. Our kisses got rougher and greedier but it was still everything I wanted it to be.
"You okay with this pace?"
"Maybe faster?" I said biting my lip.
He kissed my lips biting where I had just bit it myself and looked into myself. "Everything for you," he said, and the pace increased making my moans louder.
We were both breathing heavily when his fingers found my clit. After that, it didn't take long before I got into the same foreign feeling I had felt earlier as I hit my high and went into my euphoria. I then knew why people were talking about love like a drug, and I wouldn't mind being high on this everyday.
Harry followed me not long after and released himself into the condom and both our bodies went numb. We were sweaty and clammy and probably a poor side to most yet in that moment I'm sure I loved him more than ever. He got out of me and slid the condom off before he tied a knot on it and threw it on the floor.
Our lips met again, and I looked deeply into his eyes. "You okay? I didn't hurt you did I?"
"It was perfect." I smiled. Thinking he already knew, he didn't have to ask.
"Yes!" He smiled in surrender, and I rolled my eyes at his goofiness. He laid down next to me and wrapped me up in his arms.
I tangled our legs together wanting to feel him closer to me. There was no way I would ever let him go. "How was it for you?" I asked desperate to know.
"Best sex I've ever had. It was as you said: perfect."
I nuzzled into the crook of his neck and kissed him. "I hope you aren't just saying that."
"I wouldn't lie to you," he promised, and for some reason it seemed like his words held a deeper meaning than he meant for them but I pushed the thought aside.
"Thank you."
"For what?" He gave me a confused look.
"For doing this to me. For making me feel loved in a way that no one ever has before. You make me happy, and I don't ever want to lose you."
"That goes both ways, miss," he placed a kiss on my forehead and looked at me. "I'm never letting you slip away from me."