T R U M A N
The sun had fully set, and I listened to the wind howling against the trees as Eden's eyes searched my face.
"To say goodbye?" she said, repeating my words. I nodded, crossed my arms over my chest. I needed something to do with my hands so they wouldn't reach for her.
I thought she would have more questions, that my appearance at this wedding I knew I wasn't invited to would raise more caution in her mind. But instead she nodded and followed me to my car parked on the road.
She must have known this had something to do with Katie. It always had something to do with Katie. But it wasn't just about my sister now. It was about me, too. About Eden. About us. A lot of things had come to an end in these past few days.
A lot would come to an end tonight, too.
The streets were quiet as we drove. No cars and barely any light. I had the radio shut off and Eden was silent as we made our way out of the city and back to our hometown. I couldn't find a single word to say. I had lost my voice somewhere between I'm sorry and I love you.
When I turned into our neighbourhood, Eden perked up. She looked outside the window, straining her neck to see the houses passing by.
I didn't know if she remembered this route. The one I had driven time and time again after the accident. It was branded in my mind, in my eyelids. It was always there, waiting. Haunting. And it was eerie to drive back down this street, to think back to what happened here that night.
Eden must have realized where we were going, because she looked away from the window. Turning to me, she said, "Why?"
I didn't say anything.
I didn't know what to say.
I glanced at the clock. Ten-thirty. I snuck a glance at Eden. There were goosebumps up her arms. I turned the heat on and looked away from the dress she was wearing, from her thighs touching my leather seats.
"It's not red," I said.
"What?"
"Your dress," I clarified. "You said it would be red."
Turning back to the window, she shrugged.
We reached a red light and my eyes followed the shape of her face in the moonlight. The curve of her lips, dip of her nose, the way her eyelashes kissed her cheek. I drank her in, every last bit, knowing this may be the last time.
Knowing this would be the last time.
Then I looked away. But like the route, the image was still there, burned into my mind.
The light turned green. I made a left, and as we got closer, I went back to that night. Falling onto the grass outside the party. Driving through the empty streets—these empty streets. Walking through the hospital hallway. Seeing Katie after surgery. Touching her hand and not feeling any response back.
Knowing there'd never be a response.
And just the thought of her, just one little memory was enough to send my mind spiralling, had my hands shaking. My vision blurred. My leg began to twitch. I couldn't focus on the road and the traffic lights blurred together into a solid rainbow.
I tried to pull myself together but instead I just pulled over.
"Truman?" Eden said in this quiet voice when the car had stopped. Her words were so gentle. Just like that first night. "What is it?"
"I need a minute."
She sighed. "I get it," she said, "the memories." And she did. She was the only person that could know.
And then she reached across and held my hand. And I hated it. Hated how good it made me feel. How whole. How happy. Because I shouldn't feel any of those things. I was cursed to be broken, to be sad. My sister was about to die and I couldn't feel anything but that.
"I should have told you about Katie," I said when the silence dragged on too long. "I didn't feel real, Eden. And I couldn't accept that it was real. That my parents would do this to her, to their daughter. I was trying to protect you by keeping it a secret. I was trying to protect myself."
She pulled her hand away. "Keep driving, Truman."
So I did. I turned the engine on, pulled myself together and wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes. Then I said, "You look beautiful," because it was impossible to hold that in.
It was there, on the corners of her mouth, the ghost of a smile. It was fitting for the ghost of a girl she had become and the ghost of a boy sitting beside her. That's what we were now: shadows, living in darkness. Waiting for each day to end, blending into the night.
My heart beat too fast when she looked at me like that. Like all she wanted was to crawl across the space between us and plant herself around my heart. But I think we both knew we couldn't. That the days of pretending we were happy and good together were over.
Because I loved Eden. I loved her so damn much. But I was used to saying goodbye to the women I loved most. And tonight, I was saying goodbye to two.
____
The marks of the tires were still on the road.
Eden was hesitating, still leaning against the car. I was walking on the tire tracks, tracing the spot the car had been driving. Tracing the spot where the accident had taken place. Tracing the spot where Katie's car flipped, landing on the grass.
It felt surreal. Like a different time, a different life. Like it had happened to someone else. Not Katie Falls. Not my little sister.
I knelt on the ground, ran my finger on the markings. If I closed my eyes, I could hear the squeal of the tires. I could hear the sound the cars made as they hit. I could hear Katie's screams, hear the glass breaking as her body went through it. I could hear the silence of her laying on the ground, barely breathing. And I could hear the sirens in the distance, the noises of rescue.
That's why I didn't close my eyes. Why I always left them open. Wide open.
I lay down, right there on the streets, right there on the tire marks. I didn't know where Katie's body had landed, but I imagined it was here, right underneath me. And I wished I could sink into the asphalt, turn back time and let it be me that lay here instead.
Let it be me.
I was crying when Eden lay down beside me. We stared into the night sky together, not a cloud in site. Only stars, littered across the open blue.
I want to give her the sky.
Now I never would.
"I never came back here," Eden said. "After the accident, I refused to drive down this road. I'd take the side streets, I'd walk along the ravine—anything to not come back here."
"I was here every night. When I couldn't sleep, I'd walk here, lay in this exact spot, and I'd just wait."
"For what?" Eden asked.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe for a car to come. For Katie to walk out of the trees. To wake up and find out this was all a dream. A bad, terrible dream."
"Truman . . ."
"She would have wanted this, Eden. Katie wouldn't want to live like that, on life support."
Eden sat up quickly, like the ground electrocuted her. "The Katie I knew would never have given up. She would have kept fighting."
She stood up then, started walking back to the car.
"Eden!" I called, trailing behind.
She spun around. "You should have told me. You should have fucking told me, Truman! I don't need protection. If you wanted to protect me, to help me, you wouldn't have left right after the accident. You would have stayed right here, with me. So don't try to protect me now when it's too late. Just let me be. Let me be angry. Let me be upset. Let me scream and let me believe that my best friend is a fighter! That she wouldn't want to die!"
She fell to the ground and pulled her knees to her chest. I crouched down beside her, wiped the tears from her face. She pulled away. She couldn't touch me again.
It was like time was going backwards.
"I can't lose her, Truman. She's my best friend. I can't let her go before apologizing."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," I said as softly as I could.
"I do," she said, sniffling. "We do. Because I know we said she'd want us to be happy, Truman, but we only said those things to ease our guilt. To make us feel better about being together. The one thing Katie wanted was for me to not love you. And I think she was scared I would love you more than I love her. And the worst part is, Truman. The worst part. . ."
She took a deep breath, looked me directly in the eyes.
"The worst part is that I think I did. I think I loved you more than I loved her."
"Eden," I tried, reaching for her one more time.
"Stop," she said. "We can't. You were right, Truman. We need to say goodbye."
"We still have a few days with her."
Eden shook her head. "Not to Katie. We need to say goodbye to each other. For good this time."
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