*hazel*
i lay on my bed. listening to music.
i love you by billie eilish comes on.
i sing along silently.
i take a cigarette out from my pocket. i light it and take a puff.
i blow the smoke out slowly.
i hear the front door open and close. then someone coming up the stairs.
my roommate nate walks in.
he gives me a disappointing look.
do i care? nope.
"what do you want?" i ask
"i wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me and the guys?"
"no." i respond coldly.
"your coming" he says.
"who says?"
"me. you should be out living life. your only 21 once."
"i don't care. my life's a complete waste anyway."
"hazel-"
"no nate. you know exactly what i've went through. all that pain, regret and guilt doesn't go away. the fact that i have to live with it for the rest my life makes it hard for me."
"but haz it wasn't your fault. you need to understand that and i'm not just saying that cause i'm your friend. i'm saying that cause anyone literally anyone who heard what happened would know it's not your fault. no one would blame you. and they definitely don't blame you."
"but i'm the reason they're gone. i'm the reason why i'm where i am now. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for you and what you've done for me the past year but you i'd rather be with them"
"i know hazel, i know."
i take another puff of my cigarette.
"take a shower and get ready, your coming whether you like it or not"
i groan and get up.
i go to my bathroom and get undressed.
i get into my shower and let the hot water hit my body.
i wash my hair, body and shave.
i get out and wrap a towel around my body.
i quickly blow dry my hair a little bit and throw on some mascara.
i walked out and went to my closet.
i grabbed a black hoodie, some black leggings and my high top converse.
he didn't really say what we were doing so i just decided to dress casual.
i put deodorant and some perfume on and went down stairs.
"ready?"
"yup"
we got into nate's car and headed to wherever we're going.
i had my phone plugged into the aux.
i pressed shuffle and lotta love by the jacks came on. probably my favorite song from the album.
i started singing along to it and so did nate.
"I COULD CRY TO, FIGHT WITH YOU BEG YOU TO STAY BY I" we screamed at the top of our lungs.
"WONT TRY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND I CANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DONT, BUT IVE HELD YOU SO SO TIGHT, ITS GONNA TAKE A LOTTA LOVE TO LET YOU LOTTA LOVE TO LET YOU GO-OH-OH-OH"
i feel tears starting to form in my eyes.
yeah it's my favorite song but sometimes the lyrics get to me.
reminds me of everyone i loved, who i lost.
nate notices me get quiet.
he put his hand in mine and squeezes it.
he knows how this song gets to me sometimes.
we arrived at a pizza place.
nate got out of the car and came to my side and opened the car door for me.
"thank you"
we walked up to the door of the pizza place and he held opened the door for me again.
this time he said "after you ma lady".
i just laughed.
i spotted the jacks and sammy sitting at a table.
we walked over and sat down.
i was sitting next to gilinsky and across from sammy.
johnson nate and sammy were having their own conversation so that left me and gilinsky.
"so how've you been" he asked.
"i've been better, you?"
"i've been good" he said and smiled.
"i love your guys new album by the way, lotta love and used to you now are definitely my favorites" i said.
"i'm glad you like it! i had a feeling you were gonna like lotta love, even though it's about love and letting someone go you can still jam to it"
"that's what me and nate were doing on our way here" i said and laughed a little.
"so you have anyone special in your life, relationship wise?" he asked.
"no not at the moment. i have a hard time with relationships." i responded
"may i ask why"
"i have trust issues, and i'm scared of losing people i love since.." i froze
i haven't talked about it in years, i don't think i'm ready to.
"hey it's ok" he said and rubbed my back. "you don't need to tell me"
"i'm sorry. i'm just..not ready to talk about it. last person i told was nate but that was a few years ago."
"i'm so sorry you had to go through whatever it was you went through." he said.
"it's ok. shit happens"
i need a cigarette.
"i'll be back guys" i said and got up and went outside.
i took out a cigarette and my lighter and lit it.
i just stood out there looking out in the streets of LA.
"those will kill you you know" i heard a voice.
i looked and saw gilinsky.
"you following me or somethin" i said
"no"
"hmm"
he just looked at me.
"what?" i asked.
"oh nothing" he responded with a little smile.
his smiles perfect. wait..no stop.
you can't catch feelings for him.
i threw my cigarette to the ground and stepped on it to make sure it was out.
i looked at gilinsky who was already looking at me.
"wanna go back inside?" i asked.
"yeah let's go"
he followed me back inside and we sat back down.
they didn't even notice we left.
i guess they ordered food while we were outside cause there were two pies on the table along with a caesar salad for me.
we ate and caught up with one another.
after we finished eating we left.
"you guys wanna come back to our place?" johnson asked.
"sure" me and nate respond.
"i gotta head to the studio real quick but i'll meet you guys there later" sammy said.
we said our goodbyes and headed to the jacks house.
me and nate got into the car and i took the aux once again.
"so what's up with you and g?" nate said while wiggling his eyebrows.
i laugh "nothing"
"there's definitely something, i can tell by the way you guys look at eachother".
"there's nothing going on, for now at least. i don't want to rush into anything. if there is something then i want to get to know him more, yeah we're friends but we weren't always close."
"i understand" he responded
a few minutes later we arrived at the jacks house.
a/n- i hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter! i'm working on chapter two now, please vote so i know you guys enjoyed