Angst. Trigger warning. Mature. (Explicit content ahead, so if you're uncomfortable, please do not read. Note that these scenes are appropriate for the storyline.)
Original chapter published in Short Stories.
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Days passed and Sean didn't have any much luck talking to Kaycee, much less get into ten feet within her radius.
One of his worst fears came true; he learned from Julian and Josh that she had stopped attending classes and teaching for more than a year now. And even though she attended classes just recently, she had only attended quite a few and wasn't as enthusiastic and passionate as she was before.
According to Julian, their recent class with Kyle was the most he had seen Kaycee dance, as she would always exit the floor immediately once she had danced the choreography.
The gaping hole in his heart has now become wider.
Not only Kaycee seemed to have already given up on them, but she had also almost given up the thing they most loved together. And it was his entire fault.
Sean thought he was already done blaming himself a long time ago. Coping with his depression was through non-stop work – taking almost every available classes, teaching in every opportunity, and even in his free time, would intensely work out. While the Japanese value hardwork, his colleagues took notice of this unhealthy habit and sat him down.
He broke down with just one question.
He had never cried that much in his whole life, and it took him a while before he had calmed down, his new friends looking at him apologetically. They then advised him to go on a break to the countryside.
That he did, and had an elderly man for a neighbor. There were times that he would accompany the man looking out for his crops; other times, they would silently play board games. He also learned pottery. Writing poetry with him was something he easily gave up on, as it reminded him too much of Kaycee. But most of the time, they would just sit outside of the older man's house, staring out into the field while drinking tea. And it was during one of those afternoon teas they had talked about his life, and Sean felt his whole being ripped open once again.
The man said that it was obvious in his countenance –that there was no light in his eyes, that there were only a few things that is keeping him going but none that makes him happy, and that he looked like the world was on his shoulders. Sean certainly felt that way, and the next minute he was pouring out himself like a broken dam. The old man had listened to him patiently even with his inarticulate Nihongo — to his story, his sins, his regrets.
The old man just let out a thoughtful sigh, thinking deep.
"You don't need me to tell you're wrong, because you already know that," he started. "What's important is that you regret it, and you know what you want. You still love her, but know that that won't definitely be easy. I just have a question," he had paused. "Have you forgiven yourself?"
Sean remembered feeling his heart twist. He didn't even consider that, thinking that he deserved every pain, guilt and shame that he was feeling. That he doesn't deserve to be forgiven.
The man probably noticed because he had smiled faintly at him. "You have to. There are times when you remember again, and you start to hate yourself all over. All you have to do is forgive yourself, again and again. Then you can take a step forward on what you want to do."
There was silence after that, with him taking in his words carefully. He thought their conversation was over when the man spoke again.
"And you have to forgive her, too. For not stopping to hear and listen to your side. For pushing you away. You might not be completely aware of it, but you're angry at her, too, Sean."
And the realization came a ton. He never thought of it that way, but the older man was right. He was angry – but he forgave her. He will always forgive her.
He tried forgiving himself, and he came to the point that he became ready to take that one step forward. Hence, him coming back to his hometown. But the responses of his friends and seeing Kaycee now – he felt he was now back to fucking square one.
All that pain, shame, and guilt came over him like a tidal wave. He didn't know how he's going to survive from drowning this time, especially now that he didn't know whom to run to. His best friends are already standing on neutral ground.
His mind wandered to his family. He remembered the look on his parents' faces when he confessed and delivered the news of the breaking of the engagement – it was a mixture of sorrow and disbelief. Looks that tell him that they don't know him anymore. Serris shook her head in extreme disbelief and walked out angrily. Sarah was just silent, but she was not meeting his eyes, not any less disappointed.
Miya and Cheuk sat him down, too, but they hadn't spoken much, like they were too disappointed to speak. His dad was the first one to give a voice to that nagging thought that hung in the air.
"I'm just...totally disappointed. I didn't teach you to treat a woman that way, son," he said, shaking his head in disbelief before exhaling a wary breath. He left him and his wife thereafter.
Miya had only looked at him, his eyes blurring with tears, before she engulfed him with a hug, crying with him.
Even though they talked to him again, something had definitely changed. He wanted to talk to them about what he had learned in the past couple of years and what he had planned to do, but his parents were still away in Italy for a vacation, and Serris was in Hongkong with Kylee.
Now he is standing in front of Sarah's office door where her secretary led him to. Sarah looked up from her work with a small smile as he entered the room. They stared at each other for a few seconds without exchanging words. Tears started to form in each other's eyes, and Sarah couldn't help but pout as she suppressed her tears before going over to her brother and gave him a tight embrace.
They spent the time catching up, Sean recounting his experiences and adventures in Japan, and Sarah updating him about the projects she had done and what was happening with the people back at home after he left.
Sean stood up, staring around her office, the walls decorated with her framed favorite designs that she made. His heart swelled with pride at the achievement of his sister and he wished he was there while she was reaching all of those.
Suddenly, he came in front of the only out-of-place design. Sarah only designs for high fashion, and his heart pounded mercilessly as a thought came to mind. He held his breath as he felt his sister's presence behind him.
"Oh that," Sarah started. "That's the final version of the wedding gown I made for Kaycee," she said, her voice light.
Sean could feel a lump rise in his throat, tears burning his eyes suddenly.
"I imagine her looking so stunning in that. Honestly she would be a heart stopper. I imagined you crying buckets, Sean," she said, her tone almost regretful, squeezing his shoulder.
He was crying now, and Sarah could only stand by him, running her hand down his back repeatedly for comfort.
Sean turned to her, voice raspy. "D-Do you forgive me, Sarah?" he asked.
Sarah's eyes mirrored his. "I already, did, Sean. But honestly, you don't have to apologize to me."
"I disappointed you."
"Yes, you did. But I don't want to keep beating you when you're already down," she said.
"Serris doesn't think so. It was never the same between us," Sean said, heart sinking about the thought.
Sarah sighed. "I may have to talk to her again. But she's trying, Sean. She was pretty close to Kaycee. She checked up on her once after you left, and she came home looking devastated. She distanced herself that night," she said. "She's still Serris. She'll come around."
And though it warms his heart that his sister did that, it made him wonder what she saw when she visited her. He wanted to know what she witnessed. He wanted to know the effect of his sin so that he would start forgiving himself all over again.
*****
She dragged a deep breath, suppressing her tears as she looked down at the gift box on the floor.
She couldn't remember the last time she opened it; and the last time she did, she remembered wanting to throw it away, along the memories with it. But she couldn't bring herself to do it; instead she tucked it away at the very back of her closet, completely hidden from view.
She almost forgot about its existence, but when she woke up that morning in cold sweat, the dream vividly playing in her mind and the sound of laughter she had previously wished she would hear, she knew she had to find the box again.
And there she was. Kaycee slowly lifted the lid of the box, and she felt her breath hitch in her throat.
Her fingers run over the front of the fabric, and as she read the words, the tears started to blur her eyes.
Daddy's Little Angel
A sob escaped her throat as she clutched the little shirt and a pair of tiny socks in her chest.
Until that very day, she mourned for her loss, for what could have been.
The day played clearly on her mind like a horrible dream.
She remembered waking up to the pain on her back and abdomen, cold sweat lining her brows as she took fast, shallow breaths. Fear washed over her, dread stirring in her gut as she called Tahani, who promised that she'd be there as fast as she could and hopefully would not get stuck in a traffic jam.
Tahani was the only one who knew. She was with her when she went to the doctor to confirm. Ecstatic was simply an understatement; she had wanted to tell Sean immediately but decided she'll tell him by the time he comes home from tour. And so she bought the little shirt and tiny socks, placing it in a gift box to give it to him.
But a series of news came to her the next couple of weeks, and when he came home, instead of him receiving the gift, she had received a broken heart instead. He never knew.
It was a week since he left, and she had succumbed into depression. Tahani was the best help she had, making sure she ate well and had enough rest. But she got busy, too, and so when she wasn't there, she would lose track of time and would only sleep the day away.
She remembered biting her lip hard as the pain became excruciating, and how she was breathing hard through her nose. She was about to call Tahani again when the doorbell rang, and she struggled as she went down to open the door.
And she was surprised as she stared into Serris Lew's eyes.
"What -what are you doing here?" Kaycee couldn't help but ask. She turned away from the door, pain other than the physical one she's experiencing right now started to overwhelm her again.
"Kaycee, I -I just came to see how you're doing," Serris said, stepping in the familiar house. She took a quick look around and saw that the photos she had with his brother were all flipped down.
"I'm fine, Serris," she lied. She loved the older woman like her own sister, but she couldn't bear looking at Sean's look-alike right at that moment. "To-today's not a good time. I-In fact...it hurts to look at you right now. I'm sorry." She was leaning into the wall now, pressing her eyes shut to manage the pain.
Serris was about to answer when she caught sight of Kaycee's pale face. She stood in front of her.
"Kaycee...are you okay?" she asked worriedly.
"I'm fine," she said through gritted teeth, eyes still closed.
"Kayc, you're looking so pale. Do you want —"
"I'm fine!" she cried, her eyes wild.
And suddenly, she felt a trickle down her legs. They both looked down in horror as blood came pouring down.
Kaycee couldn't remember what happened next. The next thing she knew, she woke up in a blinding light. It took her eyes for a while to adjust, but she took in the white walls, and the IV line that was connected to her forearm. She turned as Tahani and Serris approached the bed she was lying on with unreadable expressions on their faces. None of them were meeting her eyes and fear spread through her.
She already felt the loss, but she was still fighting the thought.
"T?" she called, her voice now shaking as tears rapidly filled her eyes. "M-My baby? My b-baby's okay, right?"
And tears poured down as her best friend looked down, now crying as she shook her head.
An anguished cry wracked her chest, shaking her head in denial. "No, T. Th-they're wrong! My b-baby's still alive!"
But Tahani could only cry. Serris was also now sobbing as she stood to the side, still speechless at the whole thing. She also mourned for the loss of family, of who could have been the first Lew grandchild.
The two women just stood there, crying, as they listened to the misery of the woman who now felt like she lost everything.
It was a long time ago, but the pain was still the same. She thought that she moved on from it, but she felt like she was back from the starting line.
*****
Julian raised his hand to call his attention as he entered the studio; he was overwhelmed at the amount of women inside as Jojo's class was ongoing. He stood by his best friend at the corner of the room by the mirrors, waiting for Jake's class in a few minutes, when he caught sight of the woman standing at the back of the class, watching the dancer at the center.
"It's really amazing how you can easily spot her," Julian scoffed from beside him. "Man, you're too obvious. At least try not to stare."
With that, Sean tore his gaze away from her, trying with all his might not to drift his gaze to her again. She was probably even oblivious to his presence.
"Do you think I could talk to her before Jake's class?" he asked.
Julian shrugged. "That is if you actually can –"
"This is the first time in a long time she attended my class again. Kaycee! Show them what you got, babe," Jojo called.
Kaycee emerged from the shadows of clapping students with a very faint smile on her face. Jojo, being the sweet mentor she is to Kaycee, embraced her tightly, whispering something in her ear; probably how she missed her in her class and that she is proud of her. And when she broke away, that was the first time Sean had registered her outfit and what class it was.
Her hair was straightened as usual, but now she was wearing eye makeup that popped her eyes even more, and lip gloss that made her lips fuller. His eyes betrayed him again, and it ran over her skimpy, black cropped top, black leather leggings and black stilettos.
Just then, her eyes met his, and he swallowed hard, feeling his mouth dry.
The music started, playing a newly-released Rihanna song, and she started to groove to the music, her gaze still on his. And the beat dropped.
Cheers erupted around the room as the woman went off, but for Sean, it felt like it was only the two of them in the room as they maintained eye contact throughout, with the girl occasionally breaking away from his stare.
Kaycee danced to the explicit lyrics sexily, with confidence he never saw in her before. Her moves were clean, but as soon as she touched her covered breasts, running her right hand in between her thighs while her left ran through her hair, gaze still fixed – his thoughts were anything but clean.
He desperately tried to think of anything else (he still had to make her talk to him), but his mind was conjuring many different ways he wanted to do to her.
Fuck.
He could feel blood roaring inside his ears and rushing to his crotch. There was no denying that he is starting to get fucking hard. This is his ex-fiancée, and he is still very much attracted and in-love with her.
His frustrated gaze met her dazed ones as she lied on the floor for her final steps, bottom lip caught in her teeth sexily as she ran her fingers through her hair, spreading it on the floor, her long legs in a sexy pose.
The cheers were almost deafening, but his dick was definitely not cheering. He just wanted to talk to her, but that's kind of impossible now.
Julian heard him growl a fuck under his breath, before the latter turned away without any preamble.
"Where are you going?" he called.
"What do you fucking think?" he barked, and almost slammed the door.
Julian understood the frustration, and as he turned to look at Kaycee, he saw the satisfied smirk on her lips, her eyes on the door where Sean exited. The woman felt his stare and when they met eyes, he shook his head in disapproval.
"I know what you're doing," Julian said, hands on his hips as Kaycee was arranging her things on the floor by the end of class.
"What am I doing?" Kaycee said, feigning innocence.
He rolled his eyes. "Stop playing with him, Kayc."
Kaycee swung her bag over her shoulder and faced him. "It's not my fault your best friend is a horndog -"
She was stopped by Julian's glare, and she sighed, her shoulders slumped in resignation.
"That's not even fucking funny, Kayc," he spat. "He wanted to talk to you. Can you at least hear him out?"
Her expression hardened. "Now what is he supposed to say? Sorry if I cheated on you?" she said incredulously.
"He definitely knows what he already did, Kayc," Julian said, almost pleading. "But everyone needs a second chance. Just try, please, Kaycee?"
Kaycee just took a deep breath. "He'd have to work hard for it," she said, leaving the room, leaving him worried.
*****
He had never dressed up that fast in record time. One text from Julian that Kaycee was in CJ's party alone and he left the cookies he was making half-baked and rushed into the said guy's house.
He couldn't thank Julian enough; even though the latter was somehow against the prospect of him talking to Kaycee (to avoid causing her stress) and possibly winning her back at first, Julian probably thought that it would clear things up a bit. His best friend had fill him in with the conversation he had with her after class and he was slightly aggravated at her games and stubbornness.
"Then I'll work for it," he remembered telling him, voice determined. "I don't care how I'll do it. I'll take it."
"Just remember, you both are to talk," Julian looked at him pointedly. "And not to do anything else."
He could do that. Only if the woman fucking behaves. He's been tied in knots when it comes to Kaycee —most of the time, regret and love just overwhelmed him, wanting to take her in his arms again. There were times when he wanted to pull his hair out with her current attitude. And there were just times when he wanted to slam her into the wall and do the things he wanted to do with her again.
Focus, Sean. That had been his mantra ever since.
He entered CJ's house and he immediately felt claustrophobic with the amount of people inside. CJ's parties tend to be wild, and he was dreading how Kaycee was at the moment.
He spotted Julian minutes later with Gabe and he gestured he'll by the in-house bar, in case Kaycee comes and get a drink.
Twenty minutes later and he hadn't caught sight of the girl. He decided to get only a bottle, wanting to be sober and level-headed, just in case.
His eyes wandered through the house again, nodding to familiar faces and watching people dance. There was a mini stage at one side where a DJ was controlling the music. On one side of the stage was a pole where a group of women was dancing around it.
Maybe she had gone home? Or maybe...
He could feel a bitter taste in his tongue with the thought of Kaycee being with a man right now.
Then, he looked up at the sound of rowdy cheers near the stage, and there she was, wearing a revealing top, skimpy shorts and thigh high boots that made her legs impossibly longer.
She was in the middle of the dance floor, dancing with a sultry sway of the hips, eliciting wolf-whistles from the men around.
Sean breathed through his nose to calm himself -from anger, from tension in his pants -he didn't know. He brought the drink to his lips and downed it one go, eyes burning on the woman.
Kaycee climbed the stage, now creating more cheers as she squatted, legs wide open, until she stretched one leg out with a smirk on her face. Sean's stare was probably so intense, because the minute she stood up from the floor to wrap a leg around the pole, her gaze met his.
It was like Jojo's class all over again. He was dizzy with want as he left the room after the show Kaycee did and he made sure to lock the whole of the washroom before he took care of himself. His throat burned suppressing his moans and grunts, as he was sucked in a fog wherein he replayed Kaycee's dance in his mind as he released all his frustrations.
You have to talk to her, Sean. He reminded himself.
But she was making it difficult for him. They never left each other's gazes, and even though he is aware of what she is doing, he also couldn't find himself breaking away. He had to show that he wasn't backing off from the game she was playing and that he wasn't affected. Which was actual bullshit.
Kaycee started with a simple sway by the pole, the curve of her supple bottom attracting everyone's attention. Until her dance progressed and everyone was amazed at her flexibility and strength as she did an upside-down split, before she slid down the pole gracefully. She showed off her skills for a few sexually-tense minutes more before she landed on both of her feet.
Then, with her eyes still on his, she pressed the center of hips on the pole, holding on to the metal with one hand as she leaned back before she sensually grinded onto the pole with the music.
Whistles echoed around the room with her mini-show. It was dirty, yet her confidence in her moves made it all the more sexy. Her eyes were now burning on his; she wanted to win this game. Just to prove how weak he was.
Sean was the first to break eye contact. She saw how he asked for another drink from a fellow guest distributing bottles and she could see he was crumbling.
My job here is done, she thought, and forced a smile at everyone who cheered for her and dodging men who were attempting to make a move.
Now she just wanted to go home. She wasn't gonna lie, but her antic made her highly aroused, and she hated to admit that he is her aphrodisiac. She didn't expect him to be there at all, but the moment she met his eyes, and how her eyes made a quick run over his tight black shirt, she felt her body heat up that no one could when she is sober.
He is extremely fuckable, and she is extremely frustrated. Yet she didn't want to admit that this was her own doing.
Kaycee entered an empty bathroom, leaning her hands on the sink as she looked at herself on the mirror. Her hazel eyes were dilated, and her cheeks were brightly flushed. She wasn't as drunk like she normally was, and this would probably one of those nights when she didn't want to go home with a guy, and Tahani and Bailey weren't even there with her. She felt that was some kind of news, maybe an improvement.
Or maybe because of a certain man. Ever since she slept with Sean, she ended her nights less drunk and had never woken up in someone else's room again.
Kaycee looked at herself in the mirror again. You're not having secret hopes, are you? She asked herself.
Hope? All hopes for her were lost when he made that mistake, when he completely left her, and when her baby was gone. She shouldn't have any hopes for someone who will possibly break her again.
And yet, fuck, she wants him. She now couldn't deny that fiery tension between them whenever they meet eyes. Like he wanted to ravage her, and she wanted to punish him.
She was caught in a dilemma —she didn't want anything to do with him but she wanted him.
And the root of her confusion appeared right in front of her as the door opened, and he came, his eyes determined.
Her stance was stiff as he came in, closing the door behind him, their gazes locked. Her eyes strayed to the muscles on his neck that tenses every time he breathes, down to his now muscular chest, and to his sleeves that were now tight around the arms. Then she lifted her eyes back to his.
Sean took a deep breath. "Kayc. I just wanted to talk —"
But he never got the chance to, as she came up to crash her lips on his. His hands automatically wrapped around her tiny waist as he responded heatedly without hesitation. Their lips danced in a fiery kiss, her hands on the nape on his neck pulling him closer to her.
But Sean pulled back, panting. "Kayc, wait —"
Kaycee cut him off yet again, and now, she bit his bottom lip, making him groan. Her tongue came in contact with his. Moaning, she took the lead in exploring his mouth.
Her right hand was now sliding down his torso, expertly unbuttoning him and sliding down his zipper.
"Kaycee -fuck!" he hissed as her hand wrapped around his shaft, pumping it up and down.
"Do you want me to stop?" she whispered against his lips as her small hand continued its ministrations over his rapidly hardening cock. "Hm?" she asked again, but his brain turned to mush. Not when her lips are on his neck, and her thumb is making circles on his slit.
This wasn't definitely part of the plan.
"You can say no. But I know you don't want to," she said in a teasing tone.
And somehow, that irked him.
"Fucking kneel."
Kaycee smirked, as she was going down on her knees. "Thought so." And she took her member in her hot mouth.
"Fuck."
He leaned his head back, eyes pressed shut, and lip caught in between his teeth as Kaycee bobbed her head, her tongue on the underside of his member. He was completely lost inside his head.
"Baby, fuck. Just like that," he couldn't help but breathe out as he gently ran his fingers through her hair, his thumb tracing the side of her lips.
He looked down and he almost exploded when he met her big, hazel eyes, lips tightly wrapped around him. His mouth hung open in pleasure, and slowly rocked his hips to meet her movement.
"Kaycee, I'm –I'm f-fucking coming–" he started to pull out, but she pulled his hand away.
One look at her again, and a white-hot sensation ran through him as he emptied into her mouth.
It took him awhile to recover, his breathing dangerously fast as his beating heart, and just as he opened his eyes, she was standing up as she was sliding a finger on her chin catching the leaked cum and licked her lips.
Something primal surged through him as he watched her, and he was hard again.
"What? Don't act like you haven't fucked someone el–"
"Don't be a brat," he hissed, before grabbing her face for a hot kiss, tasting himself as their tongues tangled. He wanted to devour her right then and there. His resolve went goodbye long time ago.
He cursed when he realized the complexity of her outfit, but it seems like she was on the same page, too, as she broke away to remove her thigh-high boots and her shorts, leaving her bare waist down.
She wrapped an arm around his neck to kiss him again, but he pushed her back.
"What the fuck-?"
And she watched as he knelt down, helping her put the boots back on again.
Oh, fuck.
A strangled moan escaped her throat as he grabbed her ass with a hand, and his other thumb rubbed on her clit, making her moan.
And with a grunt, he lifted her easily onto the sink, grabbed his member and sunk into her.
They groaned against each other's mouths as he started to pound onto her, her fingers digging on to the skin of his nape and his shirt at the back.
What they both didn't know was how much they missed each other's touches that only they can give. Sean pulled back, eyes dazed as he watched her face —her lashes on her skin as she closed her eyes in ecstasy, pink lips parted open in pleasure.
"More," she breathed, and he gave her just that. He wrapped her legs around his hips, open lips against her arched neck as he met her thrust for thrust.
Soon, she was moaning against his mouth as she came around him. He was thrusting into her sloppily now, and as he came, one thing spread throughout his body down to his fingers and tips of his toes.
Not the high of his orgasm, but the reminder of his love for the woman in front of him.
Trying to still his heart, he pulled back to look at her face. Her eyes were still closed, and despite everything, he couldn't help but let out a faint smile.
He gave her a tender kiss. He thought she would pull away, but she responded to him with the same gentle stroke of the lips.
It had always been their thing; they both loved kissing and cuddling after making love. And so he continued to kiss her, holding her tightly yet carefully like a delicate china against him.
He pulled back again, and now his eyes met her dilated ones. She was glowing so beautifully, that he had to cup her face and stroke the fullness of her cheek.
"You're so beautiful, love," he whispered, his gaze full of adoration.
And right then and there, he saw her demeanor changed. The light in her eyes that was just there a second ago was extinguished, and her expression hardened. Eyes cold and dead again.
Just because of him mentioning what they call each other when they were still together.
She pushed him away roughly and quietly dressed, her chin up in defiance with a cold look in her eyes.
Sean stood there, dumbfounded, at the sudden turn of the atmosphere.
"Kaycee —"
"Thanks for the fill. Hope I didn't disappoint," she said coldly, before leaving him once again.
And he's back to square one.