1st july, monday, 2019
dear diary,
I've spent my entire school life waiting for opportunities.
An opportunity to be the class monitor. An opportunity for my crush to start a conversation. An opportunity for cool people to invite me to hang out with them. Then, when I was older, an opportunity to join the poetry club. An opportunity to sing a solo in our choir's performance.
But that was all I did: I waited, and then some more.
I didn't see them when they were right in front of me. I thought they would be presented to me on a silver platter if I really deserved them.
It was stupid of me. I should have snatched them from the world. I should have talked to my crush. I should have raised my hand when the teacher wanted volunteers for the position of the class monitor, instead of waiting for her to pick me on her own because I felt that if the teacher really thought of me that way, then I would automatically come to her mind. I should have run after sir and begged for that solo, asking him to audition me, instead of worrying about appearing greedy or desperate and not being able to live up to what I claimed myself to be, and worrying about not appearing worthy of the solo.
But I guess I wasn't very confident. See, I was pretty popular in school— known for my talents and good grades, my friendliness, my wit, and humor. I was aware that there were kids who secretly wished to be like me. But I felt burdened with a reputation to uphold and I couldn't bear the thought of my failing at something or being told off. From the outside, no one could have known a thing, but maybe I wasn't confident on the inside. Maybe I was insecure, even though it appeared otherwise because I showed that I didn't care about what people said about me.
And there's a "magic factor" in something coming to you on its own. If I go after something, and then I get it, what's the big deal? Wouldn't it be amazing if, out of all the people, sir handpicks me for the solo without me asking for it?
But then I learned that waiting around doesn't really get you anywhere.
So this time, I'm going to run after opportunities. I'm going to get a hold over my life again. I'm going to put it back together, piece by piece.
This time, everything is going to change.
❄