It's been about four days since I've marked Thane, and now that the painkillers are out of my system, I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake...being tied to me will never be easy for him, it's bound to bring him pain and suffering.
I let my selfish desires take priority over his safety, and for that, he will suffer.
Because of me...
"Pizdets!" I curse in frustration, slamming my fist against the bathroom wall. I look around the dimly lit room, taking in it's stark difference to the hospital bathroom I had been using until a couple of days ago.
After my injury progressively started healing thanks to feeding off of Thane, they released me from the hospital on the condition that I continue to rest until my shoulder completely heals...and after much insistence, it ended up being that I did my resting in the Chief's home...more specifically, Thanes old room. With Thane making sure I'm resting...and keeping my arm in the sling until I'm completely healed up.
Which is exactly what he's been doing.
He's constantly tending to me, making sure I sleep well, and I'm eating whatever his mom cooks for me...and I have to admit it's really good food. Me and Thane both seem to have a fondness for the meatloaf and the beef stew, and the baked chicken and rice. Even Thane cooks for us sometimes if his parents are too busy, It's honestly the best I've eaten in a while on a regular basis.
Though I'm still not happy with having my activity restricted by being confined to this stupid sling, which has had me putting off something I've been needing to do.
Shower.
Despite having been doing the bird bath technique with a wash rag, I feel itchy and disgusting, and my hair desperately needs washing. I'm hesitant about asking Thane for help with this, but I can't even think about doing it without him insisting on helping.
Which is why I've waited until he fell asleep to even try to do it by myself.
Sighing, I wrestle with the sling to take it off, tossing it to the floor. I go to the long sleeve shirt next, but it's much more complicated than the sling. I would just rip the thing off, but it's Thane's shirt I'm wearing, and I really don't want to mess it up.
"Pizdets!" I curse again quietly, clawing at the thing irritably.
"What are you doing love?"
I freeze at the sound of Thanes husky voice rumbling with amusement, his arms wrapping around me as his chin rests on my good shoulder. I was so busy fighting with the shirt, I wasn't even listening to make sure he was still snoring.
~Just trying to change out of these clothes.~ I answer through our link, having to admit that it is nice to be able to communicate with him like this....though part of me still thinks marking him was a mistake.
"You sure you weren't trying to take a shower while I was asleep?" He chuckles, nuzzling against my neck affectionately. I can't stop the blush that warms my cheeks from spreading, my body's reaction to his touch has only gotten stronger since I've marked him.
~No...~
"Don't lie to me Snowdrop, I can hear your thoughts." He murmurs, pressing a kiss to my jaw.
Busted...
"If you want a bath, just say so. I'd be happy to help you out love."
My heartbeat accelerates at just the idea of him...which only adds to the temptation...and the hesitation.
"I promise love, no peeking, I'll just help you wash your hair and assist with any clothing issues." He assures, and I bite my lip as I debate over my answer. After a moment though, I nod, not wanting to put this off any longer.
"I never took you for the bashful type Snowdrop, it's quite adorable." He chuckles, kissing my cheek before going over to the claw foot tub. I turn my face away, scowling as I turn redder. It surprises me too, but I don't say anything as he starts filling up the tub with warm water and soap...I just stare at his bare back as he leans over the tub, tracing over the lines of muscle and the tattoo inked there with my eyes...the intricate detail quite beautiful.
"You like something you see, love?" He rumbles happily, and I immediately snatch my eyes away to look at the wall.
Pizdets...
"You aren't very good at concealing your thoughts, not that I'm complaining sweetheart." He chuckles as he turns back to me, and I struggle to keep my gaze turned away from him, not wanting to openly ogle his bare chest right in front of him. Though I can't ignore him once he cups my cheek and turns my face towards his, those gleaming hazel eyes becoming even more distracting than his body.
"Don't be upset Astrea, I'm flattered that you like my tattoo, it's very special too me...though, not as special as the mark you gave me." He purrs, and I'm immediately drawn to it, the color a stark contrast to his tanned skin.
A snowdrop...his nickname for me.
"It's almost as beautiful as you."
I can't hide my flushed cheeks, their warmth competing with his. When did I become blushing schoolgirl? I'm an agent, a tracker...I've killed people for Goddesses sake!
"You're still adorable."
I really need to learn how to conceal my thoughts...
"You do, but for now let's worry about your bath before it gets cold." He chuckles, going behind me. "Let's get this shirt off so you can stop cursing at it."
How did he know I was cursing?
"The tone, I may not know the language, but cursing is something I can always recognize."
I bite my lip, holding back a chuckle as I debate over something.
"Russian..." I murmur, and he pauses.
"What?"
"It's Russian..." I say again, a little louder this time, shivering as I feel his fingers brush underneath the hem of my shirt.
"Interesting. Were you born in Russia or...?"
"My father was...he came to America at eighteen years old."
"So you picked it up from him...and English from your mom?"
I nod, my body tensing as he begins to pull my shirt up. It isn't until the air hits my back that I suddenly realize that I haven't warned him about-
"Wait! Thane don't-" I start, only to get cut off by his sharp intake of breath. Too late...
"Astrea...." He mumbles, the shock in his voice obvious. He doesn't say anything else, just stares and carefully runs his fingertips over my skin...and the scars on it. They're faded and old, almost invisible to the human eye...but to Thane, they stand out against my skin clearly. Most of them are from my early days as a cadet/agent...but it's still shocking to him.
"It's okay, they're all old...they don't hurt at all." I whisper, jumping as I feel his hand run over the spot my bra would fasten if I was actually wearing one...the spot surprisingly sensitive.
"They hurt me." He murmurs sadly, and my eyes fly open in surprise as I feel his lips press against the bullet wound on my shoulder, sending warm sparks exploding across my body. I gasp as my body trembles, not expecting him to do that...or that I would react like this to his touch.
Control yourself!
"I thought they didn't hurt." He says worriedly, and I shake my head.
"They don't..." I squeak, how embarrassing.
A purr rumbles from his chest as he realizes what that means, his fingertips running back down my spine teasingly.
"You're sensitive here Snowdrop? I'll have to keep that in mind."
My face reddens as he continues pulling up my shirt, he pauses again once it's over my head, no doubt admiring the ink on my back.
"I didn't know you had tattoos love." He murmurs as he traces over the snowflake on the back of my neck, then to the ice blue mermaid beneath it.
"The snowflake is a birthmark...most mages have one..." I explain quietly.
"So what's the story behind the mermaid?"
I pause, uncertain if I should tell him...
"It's more of a Siren...it's common for ICE agents to get a tattoo that represents their codename." I finally say after a moment, and he hums to himself.
"They call you a Siren?"
"Yes...Siren of the Snow."
It goes quiet for a bit, and can almost hear his thoughts over whether or not he should ask me why they call me that, but he seems to decide against it. I'm thankful, I'm not ready to tell him that yet...
"Alright, the shirt is taken care of, do you need help with the rest?" He asks, and I shake my head.
"I got it, if you could just-"
"I got it, I promised I wouldn't peek didn't I?" He chuckles, and I wait until I hear him turn around before I drop the shirt to the floor and quickly remove the rest of my clothes, wanting to get into the warm water as quickly as possible. Sinking into the soapy water, I sigh happily at its warmth. It's been a long time since I had a bubble bath...it feels wonderful.
"Can I look now love?"
I check to make sure the bubbles cover me completely before I answer.
"Yes."
I sink a little lower into the water as he walks over, trying unsuccessfully to hide my red face behind the mounds of suds, not really liking how bashful I've been feeling lately.
"Here, you can use this while I wash your hair." He says as he hands me a dry wash rag, and I dip it in the water so I can wash my face first. I stay quiet as he pulls up a chair behind me, grabbing the shower head and cutting it on.
"Just relax Snowdrop, I'll take care of this for you."
I close my eyes as the warm water runs over my head and down my face, his hand gently pushing through my hair. Once my hair is thoroughly wet, he cuts off the shower head and grabs what I assume is my bottle of shampoo, squeezing some of it onto my head before massaging it in with his hands, and I bite my tongue to suppress a moan.
Dear Goddess...
"What is it love? Does it feel good?" He chuckles, and I can almost hear the smirk in his voice as most of my body goes limp under his touch. I'm still biting my tongue dangerously hard, any harder and I'd bite it off completely. How is he capable of turning me into putty like this?
"It's the mate bond love, you could do the same thing to me if the situation was reversed," He murmurs into my ear, and I shiver as his breath hits my ear, "which is why you don't need to hold yourself back, make as much noise as you like."
My entire body seems to heat up at his words, the fluttering feeling in my stomach now dropping a little lower. A soft whimper escapes me as his thumbs reach the nape of my neck, releasing pressure there that I wasn't even aware of. At this point Thanes hands are the only things holding my head up, all of my muscles have gone completely limp.
After a few more minutes however, I lose the ability to bite my tongue, and embarrassing noises echo through the bathroom in time with his hands. He doesn't say anything though, just continues washing my hair, though his rumbling purr fills the room just as much as my voice.
I'm not really sure how much time has passed, but he's gradually moved down my neck and shoulders, carefully working over the healing one. My head resting against his arm, I sigh as my tense muscles slowly unravel under his touch.
"I know you don't really feel like moving love, but if you sit up I can wash your back for you." He says quietly, and I nod, the idea sounding wonderful.
I will myself to lean forward, holding on the edge of the tub for support. I wait silently as he lathers some body wash on his hands before he begins working on my back, and I groan audibly as his large hands works wonders yet again, slowly and thoroughly going from my shoulders down to my lower back...unable to contain my moans whenever he hit a particular sensitive spot.
I could get used to this-
No, no, no...I can't get consumed like this. I can't put my own selfish desires before his safety...I've already doomed him by marking him-
"Why do you constantly think like that?"
I jump at Thanes saddened voice, having completely forgotten that I haven't figured out how to block him out of my thoughts yet.
"Why do you talk about yourself like you're a curse to anyone that cares for you?" He asks, stopping his actions to rest his hands on my shoulders.
~Because I am...~ I sigh internally, my mind unintentionally flickering from person to person. Thankfully, he doesn't catch most of them, but I jump when warm water suddenly cascades down my back.
"No, you aren't. I don't care what things you think you're guilty of, you aren't the monster you make yourself out to be." He states fiercely.
~You don't know that.~
"I'm pretty good at reading people Astrea, and you don't strike me as the type that goes around hurting innocent people. So if you're this terrified of hurting people you care about, then at some point you must've done it by accident."
My eyes widen at his accurate analysis, not really noticing as the soap is carefully rinsed out of my hair.
"And hurting people you love by accident is something I understand well, I hurt my parents and my brother a lot with my actions years ago, even though I didn't mean to. I've still got a lot of guilt over that, and for those other people I hurt in my wilder days..."
"I know...I saw it in your eyes the first time I saw you..." I murmur quietly.
"What do you mean?"
I bite my lip, questioning my comfort with sharing so much.
"My eye...I'm not completely blind in it..."
"You're not?" He questions, sounding shocked.
"No...I can't really see shapes and colors, but it gives me a different kind of vision. The ability to see people's greatest sins, worst fears, and deepest regrets..."
He goes completely quiet, and I begin to panic. Did I share too much? Is he already repulsed by me?
"So...that's how you knew I was innocent of those crimes I was accused of? Why it was so easy to turn your back on the agency?" He asks after a moment, and I sigh in relief.
~Yes...it's what made me so good at my job, I always got the right guy, no mistakes, no collateral damage.~
"That's incredible...but I guess when you're constantly seeing the bad in people, it gets pretty depressing."
~Yes, it's why I keep it covered most of the time.~
"So, knowing that, this means you means you must have met a lot of awful people and seen them for the monsters they are...but what I don't understand is how you could see yourself as one of them."
~What do you mean?~
"Well, my definition of a monster is someone who takes joy in intentionally hurting innocent people. Tell me, have you ever intentionally hurt an innocent person?"
~No...~
"Have you ever enjoyed hurting people?"
~Of course not...~
"Then you're not a monster. You're just, for lack of a better word, human...and humans make mistakes."
"But..."
The water suddenly cuts off, and I'm startled by his sudden movement to the side of the tub, his gaze intense as his eyes lock with mine.
"No buts, you are not a monster. So I don't ever want to hear you think of yourself as one ever again."
He cradles my face in his hands, leaning closer.
"And I don't want you to ever regret marking me, when it is by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."
He silences any futile attempts I'd have at arguing with him by pressing his lips to mine, and I tremble at how gentle but strong his kiss is...leaning into it as my eyes drift closed.
"I will never regret loving you Astrea."
I open my eyes again as he presses a kiss to my forehead, the short hair of his beard rubbing over my skin. After a few minutes of holding each other's gaze, he smiles softly and stands up.
"Now, I'm going to go grab you some clean clothes, so you should finish your bath before the water gets cold."
I nod, still a little stunned. He smiles before leaving the bathroom, and I quickly get back to my forgotten bath, scrubbing my body thoroughly as my mind mulls over his words.
Maybe...maybe he's right..
I finish quickly, just as Thane comes in with fresh clothes and a couple of fluffy towels.
"I'll let you get on what you can, just let me know when you want me to help with the rest."
I nod again, and he exits. I stand up and drain the tub before rinsing off with the shower head, making sure I get off all of the soap before I step out and start drying off. Digging through the clothes he brought me, I pull on my underwear by some miracle, then a pair of his black sweatpants with a white football stitched on the sides. But once I get to the black sports bra and his red muscle tank, I pause...and sigh.
~I could use some assistance...~
I turn to face away from the door as he enters it, and he quietly helps me with putting on the rest of my clothes, as well as the sling I threw on the floor. After I'm fully dressed, he turns me around and grabs the other towel, using it to dry my hair almost playfully.
"Feel better now?"
"Yes..." I sigh, honestly in more ways than one.
"Good, now lets go back to that sleep we're supposed to be doing." He chuckles, throwing the towels and dirty clothes into the hamper before we exit the bathroom.
On his way back to his couch that he's been sleeping on, I stop him, a bit nervous as he turns to face me.
"What is it Snowdrop?"
I swallow hard.
"You...you can sleep in the bed with me...if you want..." I whisper, and he smiles broadly.
"Of course."
I flush as I crawl back into his bed, this time with him following me. As I settle onto my back, he snuggles into my side, his head resting on my good shoulder as he lies on his stomach, one arm draped over me.
"Night Snowdrop." He murmurs into my shoulder, already half asleep, and I sigh.
"Good night...Thane..."