The trip from our house to the once empty grass lot, then a booming circus, was excruciatingly slow. The lot was used for all sorts of things like fairs, fund raisers, public speakers, and town picnics. But the only thing that everyone in town showed up to the lot for was the circus.
We had to walk because mother's car had been taken by the bank along with almost everything else we had. I held on to mother's right hand as Eliot grabbed her left like we always did and she squeezed our small hands tightly. From afar it must have looked like a loving gesture. But at a closer look anyone could have seen that she was holding us back. If it were up to Eliot and I, we would have run all the way to the circus. Except dolls don't run. Even though we had practically vanished for a year and a half we still had to act perfect, no exceptions. Each time we came close to breaking that image, Mother would grip our hands so tight we would stop immediately.
Back then, we were too excited to care. We thought it was normal. It was our fault anyway. We had let ourselves become wild children as we took care of ourselves, instead of staying the perfect children with perfect behavior. Now, I see that she was afraid. She was afraid that people would think that she had failed as a mother. Too bad she already had.
I could tell were were getting close to the grass lot even though the walk was slow and dreadful. Mother had to tighten her hand around mine every few steps and eventually kept a steady pressure. Her knuckles turned write as my fingers turned purple. I didn't care, I was too excited. I kept looking over at Eliot with anticipation. There was a glint in both of our eyes. This was it. After this night everything was surely going to go back the way things were. We still had hope.
Finally we turned the last corner on the last block, and there it was. I squinted my eyes trying to read the large flashing sign that hung over the main entry. The Callahan Brothers Circus. We were finally there. No more pretending what was behind the curtains. No more imagining the crowds. No more thinking what impossible wonders there would be. We were going to see for ourselves.
Mother's hands clamped so hard, that ours began to throb and turn deeper colors. But as we got closer she became excited too. At least, I thought it was excitement. Maybe she talked more out of nervousness than anything else. But she still pointed at the amazing things that mine and Eliot's eyes missed as they ogled at everything.
It was astonishing from a far, all light up in motion with the sun setting behind it. There were several peeks of larger tents that stood out from those at the front and the large fairess wheel that never left the ground lot. It was permanently staked into the ground, but it never looked like it belonged. Then it did. Like I said before, the entire town was there, and I had never realized how many that was until I saw them all walking to the main entrance. Families stayed close together as the crowed packed in and pushed inside. People yelled at each other across the mass of people and pushed to get in front of others.
You noticed the smell first. Even before we steped under the flashing sign the sweet smell of fried and greesy foods filled our noses. Our stomachs growled and begged for just a taste while our noses seeked for more. There had to have been tons of cotton candy, because you could smell that too. It hung in the air and clung to you like the sticky goo on your fingers. Underneath the beautiful smells of food and sweets there was the unmistakable smell of the animals. I didn't mind it though, it wasn't too strong out in the open. At the time I even thought it wouldn't really be a circus without the smell of the animals.
When we finally reached the gait it was like nothing we could have ever dreamed of. Our father's stories and tales did not do what we saw justice. I thought my heart was going to burst from the excitement all around me. There were mother's yelling for their children, children begging their parents to let them have a stuffed elephant, people in tall hats and flashy cloths beckoning for you to come see the mystic beings that only tragedy could create. There were groups playing loud and cheerful music for the crowds, and others who played for the dancing women, contortionists, and my favorite, the dancing monkeys.
Lights floated in the sky to light up the paths that surrounded each tent. Although, you couldn't see the ground in front of you anyway because you could only see the people in front of you. Flashing signs grabbed at your attention beckoning for you to come and have a look. There were so many. Almost one at every tent. I was caught off guard watching the lights on the ferris wheel when a burst of flame lit up the night next to me. The heat warmed my cheek and made me stop. Mother's arm pulled on my but I wouldn't move. Droplets of liquid dripped onto my arm.
"Ladys and gents! Please! Please! Stop and whiteness, Rixtus, the last true dragon of our time! Watch as he breaths his mighty fire," the man shouted at the gathering crowd and gestured to another man standing next to him. This man, Rixtus, only wore brightly colored silk pants and held a torch lit with flame. His dark skin gleamed in the orange glow as he raised the torch. The crowed flinched back as the flames reached out. Again my face warmed and I felt the droplets fall on my arm.
"Evangeline," mother called. I would not move. Again the flames balanced from Rixtus' mouth and this time the crowd cheered.
"Evangeline!" My eyes stayed glued to the swirling colors and the falling droplets that sparkled in the light. Mother called one more time but I did not hear her. Rixtus did though. He handed his torch to the other man and traded it for a towel. He wiped his mouth and came to me. I unfroze at that moment and stumbled back.
"Do not be afraid," he said to me. Afraid? I was not afraid, I thought to myself as I inched closer to Mother. Her grip tightened on my hand, if that was even possible. Rixtus reached for my other arm.
"You must be careful little girl," he said as he wiped his towel across my arm. "This is dangerous stuff. I wouldn't want a girl as pretty as you to get hurt. There are many wonders here but there are also many shadows cast by the light. You must be careful." He looked in to my eyes and I saw it. I saw all of his happiness and joy, but I also saw his pain and suffering. I was a child then but I still could see in to a man's soul.
"Come, Evangeline. We must go." Mother's eyes had widened in panic at Rixtus. She pulled on my arm again.
I wouldn't budge. I wanted to see, I wanted to stay, I wanted to soak up as much as possible. It was most likely we were never going to come back, so I wanted to take everything in and never forget. Why was Mother in such of a hurry? We were having a wonderful time.
I wanted to stay with this man and to learn more from him. I started to worry when Rixtus keeled down in front of me. "Evangeline," he said. "We will meet again." Right then he slipped something into the pocket of my dress. I stepped back and was going to say something when he pressed his finger to his lips. His eyes were kind and true and slightly sad. You could say that I was a faithfully blind child but, I nodded and he smiled. I will never forget that smile. There hase never been one in the world quite as bright or as kind as that smile he gave me. I smiled at him and clutched the small item in my pocket through the fabric of my dress.
"You must wait," he said to me as he stood back up and reached for his torch. I nodded again and let mother drag me through the crowd. "Enjoy the show, Evangeline!" I looked back at Rixtus until I could no longer see him, but I could still see the flames dance in the night sky as we became further and further apart. I held on to the object in my pocket tightly.
We never stopped. We kept aimlessly walking around the lot led by our mother who's grip never changed on or hands. It was okay though. We didn't need to stop. It was perfect enough just to see everything and to be with our mother. At least, that's what we told ourselves. We wound around the booths and sellers tents weaving through the cramped crowd. There were stilt walkers, knife throwers, fortune tellers, merchandise tables, animals, games, side shows, and so much more. I wanted to stop every time we saw something new, which, was all the time. But our mother kept us moving forward?
There was plenty of time before the show started. Every twenty minutes a small woman dressed in a beaded outfit parted her way through the crowd on a cart pulled by a miniature horse. She would call about the time and how long it would be until the show began. There was an hour to go and we were still weaving through the crowds. We had already walked around the grass lot twice and passed each tent four times. My feet were getting tired and I was loosing the feeling in my fingers. I was losing hope. And I had started to think that this was more than just spending time together as a family.
The next time the woman came around on her cart, Mother ran after her with us stumbling behind. She wanted to talk to the woman. I didn't listen thought, I was distracted by what was inside the tent we stopped in front of. We didn't stay long and I didn't see much, but what I did see fascinated me.
There was a small crack in the folds of the tent where the two ends of the fabric didn't meet up. I noticed it when a flash of light from within caught my eye. I stretched my arm as far as it could against Mother's so I could see inside one of the many mysterious tents that called the grass lot home. I saw an audience of men, some standing some sitting but all very cramped, gathered around a small stage. The tent was full of smoke from cigars and cigarettes that swirled around in the dim light of the tent. The men were all dressed nicely. Some even had black top hats and suit jackets, I think most of them did actually. I was going to give up and stop pulling on Mother's arm when I saw it.
Well, when I saw her. A tall, sharp, but curved and soft woman draped with jewels and lace came out from behind a silk curtain. The men erupted then, calling and howling at her trying to gain her attention like she was a goddess. She did walk like a goddess though, gliding to the center of the stage like everyone in her presence was beneath her. The lights in the tent dimmed even darker and the men grew louder. They whistled and howled and talked in low voices. They pushed and shoved at each other laughing like fools. Then a spotlight of bright white shined on the woman and it caught every one of the beads that covered her body. She started to move and I was mesmerized at the sight of her. The men too, they were finally quiet. There was complete silence as she stood at the center of the stage in an elegant stance. We were all waiting. Music began to play and my breath hitched when she started to move again, but before I could see anymore someone from the inside moved in front of the gap and Mother was pulling me away.
We walked around the grass lot again. By that time Eliot and I were tired of walking. We had seen all there was to see. Our mother dragged us not because we were trying to run away, but because we were too tired to keep moving forward. Mother was looking for something, or maybe a someone. I didn't listen to her talk to the woman that announced the show time but I knew it had something to do with what she said. I tried to ask Eliot but he hadn't listened either. So we walked as fast as we could, taking three steps for ever one of our mother's, and sometimes we jogged to catch up.
I was finally going to give up and start whining, not caring if I put an end to our perfect day, when Mother stopped walking. Eliot and I ran into her not paying attention and stunned by the sudden unannounced stop. Mother laughed in a loud tone that was forced and obviously fake. Still holding on to our hands she brought Eliot and I around so she could look at us. She kneeled down and her eyes bounced from my face to Eliot's. There was judgement deep within her eyes clouding the love that had been there all day. Mother let go of our hands and nervously fixed anything that she saw as imperfect; my hair, Eliot's jacket, my dress, his tie. Her hands fluttered and shook around us fixing everything and anything she could. After Mother was finished with us, she checked herself to make sure that she was still looked like the woman she used to be. When she finished looking at her reflection in a small compact she pulled from her bag, she reached out to Eliot and I. Mother grasped onto our hands like she was afraid we were going to be lost.