I was sitting on a chair, together with the others. I had one hand on my left temple, massaging my head as my leg was tapping on the floor. I was so nervous now that I felt like I just wanted to go home. But I couldn't do that for sure since I was in the middle of something that was very important.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 21st Houghton Mifflin Book Festival!"
I heard the MC so vividly, and so did the screams that came from front as I was at the backstage. My palms were getting sweaty and the headache I just got really made the entire process worse.
"...up to 80% off for selected books!"
I was nervous not because I was surrounded by people. I was nervous not because I was attending an event that probably had more than 5 thousands people.
But I was nervous because this was going to be the first time ever for them to see me. This was the first time for me to do a face reveal to the public. And this was going to be the first time for people to meet a girl behind the Australia's best seller book.
"As you all already know, we have special guests today..."
Another scream entered my ears, shutting my eyes tightly. My heart beat faster while my mouth started to sing a song in a low volume of course. It helped to ease my own fear a little bit.
But my singing was interrupted when I felt a soft touch on my knee.
"Are you okay, Rosé?"
"I'm nervous" I told her straight away. I didn't even try to stay put because I really couldn't. I was so anxious and I would definitely show it.
"New York Times Bestselling Author, our beloved Alexandria McKay!"
I removed my hand from my temple, clapping along with the crowd when I heard that name. She was one of my idols and I couldn't believe I would be one of the guest authors for this year's book festival with her. Alexandria McKay was among Houghton Mifflin's 'best products'. She had been under the company for almost 20 years already with 9 books published in total. And 5 out of the 9 were New York Times Bestsellers! It was just so impressive! Her performance and book sales in the entire Australia were spectacular until Houghton Mifflin marketed her books to the US. It was a good decision because not even one of her books was a flop. The company really made money from her.
I heard the talk that she was the favourite among all authors. Since she had a big name and reputation in the company, Mr. Wilson really took care of her needs. Jisoo told me that Alexandria McKay could put anything she wanted in the contracts; car, house, maids, anything each time she walked in the Publisher's office with a new manuscript. She could actually ask?!
It was my dream to be as successful as her, but I still had years to go to reach her level. I only had been with Houghton Mifflin for almost two years now, my first anniversary with the company was 6 months ago. But there was no rules in setting dreams and hopes. I could always work hard for them.
"Rosé!" Jisoo slapped my thigh, causing me to startle. "Are you listening to me?"
"Sorry I was just-"
"Focus on me," Jisoo tried to calm me, stroking at the place she just slapped earlier. "You will be fine"
"And lastly, I guess you already know..." The MC teased and I could hear the crowd screamed even louder.
I exhaled loudly as I held Jisoo's hand that was on my lap, still closing my eyes.
"You think they will like me, Jisoo?"
"Australia's Best Selling with over 50 thousands copies sold-"
"Why wouldn't they?"
"How do I look?"
"Rosé, you look great!"
"The author of It's Not All Roses-"
"I'm scared of what they will think of me-"
"They will think you are a gorgeous girl with an amazing mind!"
"Make the noise for me!"
I nodded to what Jisoo just said even though I didn't believe it, but I would bury that in my mind just to help me got rid of the nervousness.
"Roseanne Pearce!"
I was taken aback by what I just heard, opening my eyes abruptly. What was that?! They were calling my name that sounded like a chant!
"Roseanne Pearce!"
"Roseanne Pearce!"
"Roseanne Pearce!"
The scream roared in the entire convention centre, sending vibration to every column and wall of the building. It was even louder than the scream for Alexandria McKay!
"Do you hear that?" Jisoo ask, probably smirking for proving that I was wrong.
"Then I will just repeat after you guys. Give it up for our rising star, Australia's Best Selling author, Roseanne Pearce!"
My body was literally trembling, skin covered with goosebumps. The loudness and noises were unbelievable until I couldn't convince myself that it was real yet.
"Those screams can be the deaf of me, Rosé"
I giggled shortly after. Jisoo was right. I would be just fine. I needed to be positive on this; they loved my book so they would love me too.
"Let me remind you, we only have 500 copies for each book!"
"Will you be there for me, Jisoo?"
She gave me a few taps on my back, intertwining our fingers with the other hand.
"Of course, I will be just next to you"
"Thank you so much" I thanked her, lowering my head as I sighed.
"Buy a copy or more today and you will get the author's autograph!"
"What else do you need?" She asked with concern. She could probably see how I was still looking uneasy.
"How do I do this, Jisoo?"
"The fan signing?"
I nodded in response.
"Well, you don't have to write like Mrs. McKay will. She will need to write whatever the readers ask her to, like special notes" Jisoo said. "Go to the very last page of your book, and just write your autograph"
That sounded easy. I could do my autograph for sure. It was writing that I wasn't good at, literally, since I couldn't see what I was writing and it ended up being unreadable. The spacing between each letter didn't even exist. There would also be some letters stacking on top of each other whenever I tried to write a sentence. An autograph sounded easier.
But because of the public already knew that I was blind ever since my book was published, I guessed no reader would ask me to write special note.
By the way, I would need to do the signing for 500 copies of my book, only if they were all sold out on that day though. Houghton Mifflin was really good in marketing strategies. My book had been sold for more than 50 thousand copies just within a year after it was published, and the number was increasing, but only 500 copies were exclusive enough to have my own autograph inside. The retail price was $12.99 each at bookstores. But as for the book festival, those special 500 copies would cost $15.99 each; $3 extra just for my autograph.
This company really knew their stuff, making money and also another extra money.
I personally thought that after the amount of costing invested just to make sales for my book, Houghton Mifflin deserved every single cent of the profits!
"Chief Editor Kim?"
A female voice interrupted the conversation Jisoo and I were having.
"Mrs. McKay!" I heard Jisoo exclaimed as she got up from the seat almost immediately.
So I followed her, clumsily.
"You must be Roseanne Pearce?"
"Alexandria McKay?!" I repeated the name, sounding like I was asking for confirmation if it was really her who just talked to us.
"Yes, that's me" She laughed a little, probably because of my reaction and I pushed my hand forward, hoping that she would take it.
She did.
"Nice to meet you in person, Ms. Pearce" She greeted me as we were shaking hands. "I am a fan of your work"
What?! Alexandria McKay was a fan of my work?! No freaking way!
"Nice to meet you too, Mrs. McKay," I greeted her back as my body was reacting to a condition called starstruck. "Y-you are the person I always look up to" I continued the talking, stuttering.
"I am honoured," She responded with a friendly voice, letting go of my hand. "How are you Ms. Kim?"
"I'm fine, thank you" Jisoo answered, sounding so nervous as well but she managed it well.
Jisoo had only been Mrs. McKay's editor for her latest book, which was published around 6 months after mine. The other 8 books of hers were edited by the previous Chief Editor. So that explained why Jisoo was still nervous around Mrs. McKay. She could probably feel the same as me now when meeting the bestseller author; overwhelmed.
"By the way, I need your help, Ms. Pearce" Mrs. McKay gave her attention back to me after having a few talks with Jisoo.
I had to admit that I was surprised when she said that. I was blind. What kind of help did she possibly need from someone like me?
"I already have your book at home but I will buy your book again today. Could you please put your autograph for me?" She went straight with her question since I was so slow to respond to her.
"What?! No!" My voice was slightly louder, making Mrs. McKay and Jisoo cracked a small laugh. "I will give you a copy with my autograph!"
I felt a warm hand on mine shortly after. The skin had a few wrinkles on it, telling me that its owner was probably on the late 50's.
"I know you are a first time author, Ms. Pearce, this is your first book" She spoke to me and I started to feel like she was about to say something important. "But your story is very good. You did an amazing piece of art"
I smiled in instant after hearing such compliments from my own idol. I couldn't believe it! I felt like I wanted to record it with a recorder and I would listen to it back on repeat just to be motivated.
"Since you told me I am the person you always look up to, I assume you can use some advice from me?"
"Yes! Sure! I'd love to!" I responded with enthusiasm ran all over my body, still holding her hand.
She cleared her throat softly before telling me. "If you are good at something," She said almost in whisper. "...never do it for free" Mrs. McKay took a second of pause and she continued again. "Always know your worth and be confident about it"
I couldn't say anything back. A smile was the first response I gave to her, followed by a nod. I really wanted to reply her better, showing how grateful I was to receive such advice from her at least, but something struck my heart and part of my past pain was slowly crawling back in.
Someone once told me almost the same thing, sort of, when I mentioned about giving a copy for free.
I guessed they both had same point of view regarding this matter.
"I'll see you round, Ms. Pearce"
She bid her goodbye and I was left with mix emotions. I was all motivated, proud, happy and sad at the same time. But I was more to happy since I finally met my idol! And to add more to the cockiness, she was a fan of my work and even asked for my autograph!
I would definitely brag about this to mum and dad!
"Are you ready, Rosé?" Jisoo asked me. "We are on schedule for your fan signing in 10 minutes"
"Yeah, I guess I am ready" I gave her a smile assuredly. Having a talk with Alexandria McKay really boosted my confidence level.
I took a bottle of water along with mints and a few sprays of perfume to freshen up. I would need to talk to the fans later. I definitely wanted to look fresh and smell good. I had been telling myself that I could do this, I would be just fine like Jisoo already convinced me. If I could start typing my own book at the age of 17 and get it published by Houghton Mifflin publishing company at 20, fan signing and meeting people were absolutely nothing compared to what I managed to get through, alone.
So I wrapped my hand around Jisoo's forearm as she walked me out from the backstage. I still had a walking stick with me in my other hand.
"Jisoo wait," I stopped my steps and so did hers. "One last time! How do I look?!"
I asked her the same question again as if I was about to get a panic attack.
"You look great, Rosé" She answered me in annoyance.
"Are you sure?!"
"Are you kidding me? I'm the one who put make up on you. I even did your hair, of course you look good!"
Grinning, I tried to control my breathing to ease myself.
"One more thing," Jisoo said. "Be friendly and smile always to your readers. We have so many photographers around. We will see your face in the newspapers tomorrow for sure" She added.
Jisoo walked me to my table right after the MC introduced me to crowd, and I almost startled as I walked when they screamed for me. They were so loud and I never felt so welcomed before. I got a great energy from them and I loved it.
I settled down at my table, which next to the incredible Alexandria McKay and the best Chief Editor, Ms. Kim Jisoo beside me to assist. The fan signing session finally started and I had a great time until it ended around 6pm.
▪️▪️▪️
I walked to the living room, taking a seat on the leathered sofa. The TV was on so I scooted until my arm met another.
"Why do you keep buying Korean channels?"
"Because of K-drama," I answered playfully, chuckling.
"You have 6 channels here, and most of them are boring news channels"
"I have one channel for K-drama, right?"
"One is enough? What's with these news channels?"
"I just love listening to news, Kookie" I whined, resting my head against his arm.
He sighed, probably shaking his head. He thought I was just wasting money, paying for those Korean news channels. I had my own reasons and I didn't need to explain to people.
"How was the fan signing?"
I jumped a little as soon as I heard that question, shifting my position to face him.
"Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed as my hand was slapping his thigh playfully to get his attention on me. "It was so great! I didn't know the fans were so nice!"
"Are there bad fans?"
"I don't know, could be? Anyway, it's a sold out!" I continued to give him details, clapping hands to congratulate myself for that few last words.
"All 500?!" He exclaimed.
"Yes! Do you believe that?!"
Jeongkook was silent for seconds before he replied to me.
"I always do, Rosie"
His voice was low. He sounded like he really meant what he said, causing me to smile and get shy at the same time. He would only call me that whenever we were alone, especially when Jisoo wasn't around. Rosie was a nickname he came up with.
"Thank you Kookie, you are so nice" I responded as I shifted my position back, wrapping my hand around his forearm. "You should have been there though" I put my head to its previous spot; his upper arm.
He groaned softly.
"I'm so sorry, I was editing a book" He sounded so regretful. "I'll make it up to you, is that okay?"
I hummed in a questionable tone. "That depends on your offer"
"I'll buy dinner tonight,"
"You will stay for dinner?"
"Yeah, why not?"
I could tell he was smiling right now.
"Deal" I agreed with his offer, closing my eyes to have a rest.
"Are you tired?"
"I was but I took a bath, so..." I smiled when the memory of the fan signing played again in my brain. "I am happy to finally show myself to the public. I was so worried about it before. I didn't expect they actually liked me"
"Everyone likes you, Rosie"
I just smiled without saying anything. My eyes began to feel heavy, even the noise of the TV was slowly subsiding at the background as my brain dozed off.
I wasn't sure how long I had been sleeping, but the sound of a key being twisted inside my door knob woke me. It took seconds before the door was opened, and it was closed again only to fill my house with Jisoo's voice.
"Kookie!" She shouted to greet but Jeongkook responded differently.
"Sshhhh!"
I heard her footsteps approaching us. But I was too sleepy to open my eyes.
"Are you serious right now?!" Her voice went louder, causing me to flinch.
"Jisoo..." I greeted her weakly as I blinked for a few times.
"Did you just let her wet your shirt with her damp hair?!" The woman sounded surprised.
I shifted clumsily as soon as I realised what Jisoo just said was true.
"Sorry!" I exclaimed.
"What the hell Jisoo?" Jeongkook spoke like he was upset while his hand started to stroke my back, voice remained low. "You woke her up"
"So what? You got mad at me when I wrinkled your shirt!"
Jeongkook didn't reply fast enough, probably worrying about me more than the shouting Jisoo. These two bickered a lot. They really couldn't stay close to each other or the world would flip. Usually it was Jisoo who would start it, looking for his mistake to ignite a fight.
"Rosé was sleeping, maybe you can be quiet when entering someone else's house"
They continued to fight as I giggled. I did give Jisoo my apartment keys, since I was blind and lived alone in this big Sidney city. I told her if I gone missing then it would be easier for her to come to my apartment and she would find my body lying somewhere. On that part I shared the same head as hers.
Jeongkook on the other hand didn't like that kind of bad thoughts. He was a positive person and those things were so brutal to him, so he would avoid thinking about bad things that could happen to me.
"So Rosé," Jisoo called out for me after she was done bickering. "I guess you owe me something"
"Do I?" I asked in confusion. Frowning, I tried to remember when did I use her money.
"You forgot?!" She exclaimed as she took her seat beside me. "I can't believe you!"
"Please remind me," I said playfully and I moved to her arm instead, resting my head there.
"Na uhh, don't wet my shirt" She wiggled her shoulder for a few times to brush me off.
I whined, being stubborn to rest against her anyway. But as I was about to wrap my hand around hers, I felt Jeongkook's arm on my shoulder, pulling me slowly back to him. He shifted his position and I did the same. Pulling up both of my legs on the sofa, I rested my back against his body and my front faced Jisoo.
"I'm totally lost, Jisoo" I chuckled. "Just be frank with me already"
"You promised us if your book becomes bestseller then you would tell us about Lisa?"
The smile on my face faded almost immediately when I remembered the thing Jisoo reminded me about. I did make that promise but it was because I really thought my book wouldn't sell. I promised to them without thinking first since I used to question my own talent. I promised on something that I thought wouldn't happen.
But I was wrong. I did have the talent, and my book was a bestseller.
Now I was doomed.
"Yeah! Tell us now, Rosé!" Jeongkook sounded so excited all of the sudden.
I sighed. I hadn't talk about 'Lisa' for such a long time. I didn't even say her name since the day I left school, which was 7 years ago. The only time I said it again was when Jisoo asked about the author's note for my first book.
But since I already promised, also because I had considered them as my best friends, I was finally willing to tell them about that name despite of what their reactions could be.
"Okay," I surrendered and I heard Jisoo scooted closer to me. "She was my best friend back in Korea"
The atmosphere was silent now, almost like my apartment was empty if the TV was off.
"That's it?!" Jisoo slightly yelled, nearly making me laugh.
"Yeah, that's it"
"Are you kidding me?!"
"No I'm not, she was really my best friend"
Jisoo huffed, clearly sounding unsatisfied.
"I waited 2 years... for this?" She started to project her complaint.
"What did you expect, Jisoo?" Jeongkook joined in. "It's a girl's name. If it was a guy's then it could be an interesting story behind it"
I only smiled. I had no idea why Jisoo expected more from that Lisa name. Jeongkook was right. It was a girl's name. What could be so interesting about it?
"You know what, I have been in this industry long enough to understand things about the author's note" She began to explain herself, or more to nag at me. "That section is very... sentimental I would say. The whole book means a lot to its author but the author's note is the only page in that book for the author to write about herself"
I lowered my head, hugging my own legs against my chest. Jisoo was absolutely right. The author's note in It's Not All Roses was very sentimental to me.
"No author in the world would simply put someone who doesn't mean a lot to her in that section. Even if it's true that she was your best friend, please give us more details"
"Yeah," Jeongkook interrupted to make his own point. "There must be a story about Lisa. She died or something?"
"No, no no. She's very well alive" I answered nervously, chuckling.
"Because you used past tense for her. I thought she was dead"
"That's because she's no longer my best friend"
Jisoo shifted again. I could picture her on the sofa now; being so anxious. She was so cute.
"Okay, so she is your ex best friend. Then what makes her so important until you make a whole book just for her? It doesn't make sense!"
"It does," I was about to argue to that statement of hers.
"Which part of your story about this Lisa that makes sense to you?"
"I loved her, Jisoo"
I answered the woman as my voice became low. My chest started to feel heavy and the headache that was slowly throbbing inside my head, irritated me.
"I have friends too. I love my friends but I will never put your name or Kookie's if I ever become an author"
I continued to smile with trembling mouth. Tears had formed in my eyes but I didn't really want to entertain my feelings at that time. It had been a long time since I shared my feelings with someone. The only person I did that with was my dad back then.
Having to talk about it now made me realise that the wound inside my heart was never actually healed. I just discovered that the pain was still bleeding even after years gone by.
"I loved her"
I stressed on those 3 words again, hoping that she would understand.
"I'm still not satisfied-"
"I loved her" I repeated myself one more time. The only difference was I said it with tears finally ran spilled from the brim of my eyes.
Only then, Jisoo stopped arguing.
"Do you mean- love like, not a friend kind of love?" Jeongkook started to ask, getting interested all of the sudden.
"Yeah," I answered shortly, wiping my tears off.
"Like, a partner love?" Jisoo interfered, probably to double confirm about it.
I nodded this time, slightly chuckled.
"So, you like girls?" Jeongkook's voice sounded different this time.
I expected that would happen. I knew their perception about me would change if I ever told them about my love interest. They would never look at me the same way again.
"I don't know, Kookie. I don't think I need to be labelled" I responded to him, sniffling my nose. "Because I am not attracted to any girls until now. I was in love with only Lisa back then"
"Are you still in love with her?"
Jisoo finally asked a question that hurt my heart even more.
"I don't know..."