Playlist:
Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra
The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift
ZZ Ward by Last Love Song (acoustic)
~*~
"What are you... How did you..." Louis stutters trying to speak to the stranger in front of him. Louis tights his grip on the door, till his knuckles turn white.
Harry is looking at him, Harry can fucking look at him while Louis looks behind his back enabled to do it.
"Your friend -I mean, the guy with dark hair, Zayn? He drove me here." He says and what the hell? Why is Harry speaking so calmly? Speaking with that so much more croaky and husky than the last time Louis heard on a video, looking so much taller than him than the last time he noticed the difference in a picture. There are no wide curls but a fringe pulled back and long curvy hair, there are no large pants and Louis' sweaters, but there is tight jeans and a T-shirt Louis have never seen in his life. There is no baby face, there is a man's sculpted face with a long jaw. Louis can't even recognise his smell, Louis can't recognise his lost best friend. There are green eyes... But there's something different on them. Louis doesn't know if it's good or bad... He thinks he won't know.
"You aren't... You..." He feels it, Louis feels it... The tightness in his chest, he can't breathe, he can't talk... He just can't be here. Harry is in front of him, taking him by surprise and it just isn't the same, he can't just touch him, can't just say hi and go back to where they stopped. The world grew up with them instead of them growing up together.
"Louis," he gives a step forward and Louis gives one backwards, not holding the door anymore. "I understand..." Harry nods referring to the fact that Louis doesn't want to be close.
And he doesn't. He feels so sick. He feels like he is going to puke anytime, he just heard that man saying his name and it felt so weird... So fucking weird, he wants to push him away not to see him again or shout to bring the Harry that left him. No, the Harry who used to say he would never leave Louis.
The Harry he was supposed to grow up with. Louis didn't see that man growing up, he lost a lot of his life, he doesn't know what's going on with him. He knows his past, not his present.
"Look at you Louis," his face softens "look how grown up you are now. Look at -"
"No!" Louis almost shouts, keeping walking backwards. The stranger's face changes but he keeps following Louis with his green eyes.
"I know Louis..." Harry says calmly, fucking calmly when Louis feels like crying right now.
"You know nothing." Not even me.
And no, Harry doesn't.
"Louis, I -"
"Stop saying my name." Louis shouldn't be this mad. It's been five years, he shouldn't be acting like a kid and more like he said to Zayn he would. But Harry had such an impact on his life and he sees... He sees it now, he had been lying to himself... He was okay, yes, happy, sometimes, but he always lied when said it doesn't matter anymore.
There were times when he could have pressed quit but he hit continue, however, he stayed on the same place.
"I don't want you to say it. Not now, not like this," not ever because Louis was sure he wanted to find Harry but now that he is in front of him he isn't sure of it.
"I came here to talk." And he continues, talking that way, talking like he hasn't left Louis shattered into pieces, like they didn't have that friendship, like they haven't fallen in love like they did.
"Do you mean apologise? I don't want to hear it." I deserve it but I don't want to, he thinks. Walking away, turning his back to the man at the door.
He hears the door shutting then and he quickly looks at where the noise comes from. "You need to get out." Louis says and he notices his hands shaking he notices his eyes burning and nonononono, he can't.
Listen, you are okay with this you are so fucking strong so don't you dare to feel sad again because you saw him. At much you should be feeling happy. You found him.
Zayn had said to him. But he doesn't feel strong, he feels weak. He does feel sad, mad and anxious and isn't happy for seeing the green eyed guy. It makes him think what he passed and that makes him weak because he couldn't get over it.
"Louis, you need to breathe." Louis is screaming on the inside because Harry keeps calm, keeps talking and keeps trying to reach for him. "Don't cry, don't cry please."
"Don't you dare!" He keeps running away from that touch that can burn, not caring if he needs to walk backwards till hits the wall from the hall. And he is mere seconds away to open the closest door and lock himself inside till this dream (nightmare?) ends. "You have no right to... To say that, to be he-here."
"Listen to me." Harry stops two steps away from Louis and he feels claustrophobic against the wall.
"No, you listen to me." He shouts, voice breaking, tears wetting his lashes. "You listen, because when I wanted to hear you, you weren't here to speak." He says and that's when Harry shows some more expression, beside his pacific one. He looks almost hurt and sad... It's weird because Louis can barely see it, because it's so different.
He still doesn't believe Harry is there. So this will be all a nightmare and he will wake up again alone in that empty and cold room, where the lights from outside, coming from the half opened blind from the window is Louis' unique company - and notice how he doesn't even put the option about waking up with eighteen and with Harry next to him, so no waking up alone, not even waking up with his mother telling him it's just a dream and it's all okay.
"You can't just make me different and then leave. You can't! You can't change me and make my whole life centred around you, then leave." he has been shouting this to himself, as if he was saying it at Harry for so long. It all ended up with him in a mess, the broken Louis with twenty years old and sad. He hasn't been thinking about that for so long and now after getting better, he says it again... Not to himself. To Harry. "Can you imagine how I felt all these years? How broken you left me?"
"I can, oh god, I can Louis! And I -"
"No!" He interjects "No, you can't, or you wouldn't be here talking to me like this. You have no right to disappear without warning and then come back like this." Louis breathes heavily, trying his best to ignore his heartbeat. He can hear it... He wished he could hear Harry's instead.
"I have got so much to explain but you need to hear me."
"You have no right." Louis repeats, pointing at Harry's chest, still leaving a safe distance between them. His face is from pure anger but it's almost obscured by his eyes. His sad and wet eyes. "You can't do this to me." He whines but takes a deep breathe because he can't cry. "When you left me -"
"Please don't say that." Harry interrupts finally showing a bit of sadness.
"When you left me," but Louis repeats, louder. "I sat on my bed for hours... Days, even... Not thinking, because I knew that if I did, I would remember you weren't there." He bites his bottom lip and sees Harry's face changing. He is finally showing something, he is not with that stupid calm expression anymore. "You had me at a point where I would've left the entire world behind for you." His tone comes out lower this time, his head faces the floor because looking at Harry - at that stranger, while saying those stuff, such intimate thoughts, just doesn't feel right. "I thought I had you as well. I trusted you with my whole life, how couldn't I?" He laughs sadly. "All those talks and promises... I thought I had my life all planned. I thought I was safe." He shakes his head.
"Lou..."
Louis whimpers with the name. "And how stupid it is that after years I still remember you? That after years it seems like that whole episode, that fucked me up forever, still matters?" Louis says louder, with wet eyes. He was supposed to be strong... And it pisses him off that Harry isn't the one crying anymore. He bets Harry doesn't care half of what he says. He knows. "That seeing you now makes my whole world stop because you hurt me, you disappeared without even explaining it... That now I see how that feel of abandonment is still here and it still hurts."
"Louis please, let's just -"
"That everything I thought my life would be, isn't. Because I live in a shitty flat, where it makes me feel sick, where I can't feel happy with, can't just fucking like one bit. That I'm a stupid drama teacher, who doesn't matter that much, instead of being on stage because I was too scared to run after that idiotic hope. That I moved to London because that was what we wanted and I tried to feel better coming here. That I thought about how I called you my boyfriend once and best friend millions of times and how I wished it could be more, because it wasn't enough. How naive is that? I can't feel right, like home, because I spent the most of my life sharing that feeling with you. And the reality is that I spent months thinking about what I could have possibly done wrong to not have you. What I should have noticed that I didn't. Apologising myself for not being strong enough to love you when you needed me to, because I know you needed me to."
"Louis, I'm so -"
"Shut up. See, you see how you left me? How you shattered me? You said you would never hurt me, that we would be happy, that I would always have you. I had shit of that, Harry. Shit." He shouts. Harry. He doesn't know any Harry. Harry gives a step back and Louis is sure he is about to speak again, probably to say how he needs to calm down and Louis doesn't need to hear that, Harry has no right to speak here. "This past three days I drank nine cups of coffee, smoked more cigarettes than I should have, losing its count, wrote five poems and altogether, before you came here I spoke four words. I don't know what happiness is but I'm pretty sure this isn't anything close."
"So I make you sad now?"
"You have been making me sad for years."
"You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago. You can change it. And Louis, I'm here now, we -" there's no we.
"You need to get out," this was just Louis' drop of water. He feels like he is going to have another break down in seconds, maybe even a panic attack... He doesn't need any of this. He doesn't need Harry anymore because the Harry he loved and needed, doesn't exist, stopped existing the moment he left without a word, breaking all their promises.
"No Louis, we have a lot to talk and I want to explain to you every -"
"I don't need it. I thought I did, but I don't. I don't want to see you. Get out." Louis walks to the door, legs trembling, heart clenching on his chest, and opens it.
"Lo -"
"Don't even fucking dare to say my name again or I swear I will punch you. And it will hurt." He won't. He wouldn't. He knows even after everything, after even really wanting to do it one time, he wouldn't be able to punch Harry. Hurt him that way. Because he knows that man there was once the love of his life, the boy he cared the most, the quiet boy on the sidewalk with a strange obsession with flowers.
Harry seems scared for a moment and Louis considers regretting and taking back those words, however he doesn't have time for it when sees Harry pressing his lips together and walking away from the door in big steps.
That's the moment Louis allows himself to fall. He shuts the door strongly. Tears streaming down automatically and walks to his room, he crashes the place. He throws the two picture frames he has with Zayn and the other with his old friends against the wall, breaking it into pieces. He shouts and cries at the same time while punches the pillows and flips over the mattress. He messes up with his small desk, not caring if he screws his books, the lamp or even his phone.
There's broken glasses on the floor but even more broken is Louis crying with his back against the wall and cutting with a scissor the bracelet he has on his wrist for years, years, all faded and already fixed so many times with tones of strong tape.
He can't remember crying this much, not even when he saw that man on Saturday. He is so ashamed and disappointed with himself. There's no words to describe what he is feeling, it's like reliving the day he read that letter and realised that yes, it's all over.
He has been keeping things always with him that remembered Harry. That bracelet was one of those things. But what's the point now? And why did he even keep it the first time it fell off? The first time one of his mate said what's up with the faded bracelet? Even the first time he heard his mother saying it's time to take that off. Because she said it so many times and Zoe... Zoe started saying it too.
However, he kept it.
But what's the point now?
And what was the point back then?
He hears noises coming from the hall and then he knows Zayn ran through the hall to his rescue when he opened the door from his room brutally and sits next to Louis on the floor to pull him into a hug. He lets the blue eyed boy cry his lasts tears from nostalgia, sadness and sorrow.
Zayn doesn't say a word for some seconds, not even really knowing if he should have hugged Louis right now. If it was the moment for that, because Zayn knows when he panics he shouldn't invade his space.
But Zayn can't really think about the right thing to do now. Louis can't even feel his presence properly he is so out of him, so lost and confused. His conversation with Harry is almost forgotten as well, not that he forgot, but the details are forgotten.
It was all so quick, Louis couldn't believe, the adrenaline of having Harry, Harry, in front of him didn't let him function like he should have. But he has anger in his veins, sadness in his eyes and pain in his heart.
"Why did you bring him here?" Louis asks between sobs, voice muffled and trying his best to breathe with Zayn's shirt in his face.
"I wanted to help." Zayn sighs and keeps petting Louis' hair, rocking his body along with Louis. Louis isn't really hugging him back but it's just because he has no strength and not because he is mad at Zayn. He couldn't. He is too mad at Harry to be mad at someone else as well.
"You didn't." He confesses, sinking his face on Zayn's chest, making even harder for him to breathe but he couldn't care less. Maybe he can pass out in need of air in his lungs and wake up feeling better.
"Oh Louis..." Right, you have nothing to say. Anything can make me feel better. I'm still a child, a broken child and I've been lying to myself, to my mom, to my sister, to you. He thinks.
"It's fine, he doesn't care." He sobs. "He doesn't fucking care." He can't believe Harry was so calm and told him that now he was there, as if Louis was stupid enough to just be okay about what happened, so things can be okay and turn to how they were, how they were, that he can change.
Louis isn't complicating, this is complicated.
"The kid ran past me," the kid, he is twenty four by now... "He didn't look at me, but I can tell he was crying." Louis shakes his head. "It's probably hard for him as well."
"Didn't seem though. It's more for me."
"You don't know..."
"Yes I do." Louis looks up at the dark haired boy "I always did. I always did know what he was feeling. That wasn't sadness, he wasn't feeling nearly the agony I am. And you didn't know him, if you saw the way he looked at me, the way he talked... It wasn't Harry." He flinches with the name coming from his tongue. "That guy wasn't Harry." His bottom lip trembles and holds his breath.
"It's been years Louis..." Zayn caresses his cheek, speaking as gentlest as possible but Louis doesn't like his words. Not one bit. "Maybe he changed. Like you did. Did you hear what he had to say?"
"No. No you don't understand Zayn. You can't say that." Louis says ignoring his last question.
"I'm sorry, love." He looks sadly at Louis. "I thought it would be good for you two to talk. I know deep down you felt happy to see him. It was what you wanted."
Louis pulls Zayn's hand away from his face and pulls a bit away from his lap. "No. Stop. It's over, Zayn. It's fucking over... It was over such a long time ago but I was too attached to let go."
"How do you know when it's over?"
"Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you. And I needed to see him to realise it." He cleans the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand and looks away, at the same time, Zayn grabs his wrist.
"Louis! You took it off..." And Zayn sounds more heartsick than he should, referring to the empty wrist that he was so used to see with an old bracelet. "I can't... I can't let this happen. This is too sad, little one." He cups Louis' cheeks. "Look at you," Louis tries to release himself "this is no good for you. Remember what you said? That it still matters? It always did," he speaks gently and brushes his thumb along Louis' cheekbones and that's the only reason why Louis doesn't shout at him and punch him to let him go. "You care so much about him still Louis. I remember the days you asked yourself how he might be doing, wishing him the best, writing the best poems I've ever read about that gorgeous guy that you always thought that were shitty. You burned them but I know you wished you could have them back. Like you wish you could have him." He keeps cleaning Louis' tears, now streaming down harder.
"Please... Shut up."
Zayn only shakes his head, not letting him go and pulling their faces closer. "Someone else wouldn't care like this after all these years but you Louis... You do. You deserved the love he gave to you back then. I heard everything you told me about he and you and I loved your story. I had hopes I don't want it to end for you. I want that glow in your eyes lighter than the times you talked about him to me."
"Stop..." Louis keep crying.
"I am your best friend and I promised you that I was going to help you to find him here."
"Please don't say that word."
"And I still do. I promise that I'll help you with this, I promise that everything will be okay -"
"No!" Louis screams and takes Zayn's hands away, quiet harshly and stands up, almost stumbling down, to run away from there.
Zayn keeps still, shocked and realises the shit he had said.
~*~
» idk till when i'll keep with updating two in two days (i don't even know how i am doing it) but hey sad chapter, i felt so bad after writing this guys! forgive me! so questions: why do you think Harry was reacting so calmly? do you think louis will regret taking the bracelet? what are your feelings towards zayn and his words (because they had an impact for a reason, right)?