Chapter 5
I was on the balcony of her hospital room. I remember her saying how she'd have preferred a regular sized room, but her dad had insisted on taking the private, more spacious room. Her selflessness was one of the things that had made me fall for her.
Two nights ago, I was in the exact same place, that is, out on the balcony. But back then, my mind wasn't in ruins, and she was still there on her bed. She was still calling for me to come hold her hand till she fell asleep.
Two nights ago, I hadn't lost her, and everything was still perfect.
How insane it is that just two short night ago, I was happiest guy alive. The love of my life was going to be released from the hospital, all signs of cancer gone. We were going to live in the perfect apartment I had rented with the money I had saved up from odd jobs. Then, after I was finished with school and had saved up more money, I was going to propose to her. I'd get down on one knee on our rooftop - the rooftop I'd have spent days decorating and perfecting for our special night.
I would blindfold her and carry her upstairs. After that, I would set her down on the chair I had brought up. She would be complaining by then, demanding to know why I had carried her upstairs even though she had two perfectly working legs. Yet, even while complaining, she would have that beautiful smile on her face.
'Because I love you', I'd whisper in her ear, 'because I want to spend the rest of my life with the beautiful girl I fell so deep in love with.'
By then she'd she tearing up, her smile becoming wider, and her bottom lip trembling. She'd then lift her shaky hands up to her blindfold to untie it. She would open her eyes to see the pretty twinkly lights I'd put up for her. She'd see all the lavender candles, scattered across the rooftop floors, their flames shining under the moonlight. Then, her eyes would drift over to me. She'd see me in my sweatshirt and trousers, on one knee, holding the ring she'd secretly glance at when I would take her out shopping. She would bring her hand up to her mouth to hold in a gasp, and I'd say, 'So, will you marry me?'
I tightened my grip on the balcony railing. Just the night before the last, I was dreaming about a wonderful future with a girl I knew was too good to be mine. And now, here I was, my eyes bloodshot from crying all day and my sanity hanging on by a thread. This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes they consume us completely.
* *
I jerk awake. I push off the covers and run my fingers through my damp hair. I grab the photo frame on my bedside table. The old metal frame contained a picture of her. She was in her wheelchair because her legs hurt that particular day. It was a picture I had taken of her while we were out shopping.
I brush my hand across the picture, tracing her smile.
I close my eyes and think back to the day it all went wrong. I remember how in the morning, I had woken up to an empty bed. She was gone, everything was gone. Her suitcase and all the pretty paintings that adorned her walls were all gone. I remember how it took a few seconds for it to settle in how everything was missing. When it did, I had scrambled out of the chair I spent the night in and ripped open the wardrobe doors, only to find it empty. I was chanting soft 'no's' then, running around the room looking for some sign to prove my thoughts wrong. After realizing how she was gone for real, I had knelt down in front of her bed and had let the tears flow freely. I don't remember how long I had cried for but eventually I got up and just stared at her bed. That was when I noticed the piece of paper on her pillow. I had used the back of my hand to wipe the tears and snot off my face, feeling hope seep back into my heart. Silently praying, I had stared at the ink for a while before reading it. Written on it, in her dainty handwriting was:
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."
Do you remember how while watching The Notebook I had caught you crying and you wouldn't stop blushing whilst denying it. I love it when you blush. I love it when you let me see you for you. I love you. It all just happened so fast.
I'm sorry.
The 'I'm sorry' part was written in a messier handwriting, and I could imagine her nose scrunching up as she tried to put her words down on paper as fast as she could. After folding the note up neatly and putting it in my pocket, I had left the hospital and gone to her parents' house. I found it deserted as well. After a day of searching, thinking, and crying, I had returned back to her hospital room. I had taken out every bit of my sadness, anger, and confusion out on that room. I remember how my father was furious at my childish behaviour. Though I never understood his anger. With his income, he could afford to pay for the repairs of every hospital room in every hospital in town.
After my 'childish temper tantrum' was over, I had headed over to the balcony. That night, the thought of jumping off of the 14th floor of that hospital had crossed my mind so many times that I couldn't keep count. But I wasn't in the mental state to keep count. She was gone and I couldn't find a reason to live without her.
To my 21-year-old self, life as I knew it was over. Why continue studying at medical school when I had no motivation to drive me? I had dropped out, and gone on a road trip to help put myself back together. When I had gotten back, it was too late to go back to medical school as I had missed too much. My father had pulled a few strings and had got me a place in a nursing school instead. I remember how he and my mother were both so disappointed that their only child had thrown away his life for a girl.
Though, I like to think that once upon a time my parents were in love, and back then, they would've understood my choices.
* *
I hitched my messenger bag to keep it from falling off my shoulder as I locked my car and ran for the hospital entrance. I was late for work and if John caught me, it'd be my third strike and I'd be fired. The man was relentless, and evil. My first two strikes were for getting John's coffee order wrong. Because my life, as a nurse, obviously revolved getting my asshole of a manager's coffee orders right.
"Distracted him for you, now you owe me a bag of Maltesers, Jared. Oh, and Mira's mom was looking for you. Mira wouldn't stop throwing up this morning," Linda, a nurse working in the cardiology ward, says. She reminds me about getting her Maltesers again and walks over to a new patient. I watch her wheeling the new patient to the elevator as I jog off to the pharmacy to pick up Mira's medicine.
* *
After collecting Mira's medicine and a few things for other patients, I head over to the elevator. On my way to Mira's room, I stop by the other patients' room and drop their things off. Stopping at Kevin's room, expecting to see him, I find the room empty. Walking over to the help desk, I ask Casey, "Hey man. Kevin Jones hasn't come in yet?"
He looks up from his book and glances at me from above his reading glasses, "No. He won't be coming in for another week. Don't bother asking for details, I don't know what's happening."
"Fine. Enjoy your book," I say, rolling my eyes. As I walk away, Casey calls out to me, saying, "Oi, Dr. Lin was looking for you. He's in Andy Tiller's room."
I jog back over to the elevator as Andy's room is on the lower floor. I see Angie on the way and ask her to take Mira's medicine to her. Being the nice newbie nurse she is, she agrees. I say, give it a week, or a month tops, and she'll lose the nice attitude.
Approaching Andy's room, I look through the glass door to see him crying and his parents clutching one of his hands each. Feeling a rush of empathy, I can't help but pity him. Two months ago, at the age of 11, Andy was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and things have only gone downhill since then.
I knock on the door and enter.
"Aah, Nurse, a word," he says and moves to leave the room. I follow him and shut the door behind me.
"I'll be operating on Andy tomorrow morning. It seems the cancer might spread, and so, the thyroid needs to be removed. Give him a light meal now, after which he shouldn't eat until after the operation is over. He should drink as less water as possible, and I'm putting him on a few prescription pills, so make sure he takes those on time," Dr. Lin says. He then walks back into Andy's room and I follow.
I change Andy's IV bag, and Dr. Lin says to the Tillers, "Please, don't stress. The surgery is minor and I can say confidently, that nothing will go wrong."
He hands me Andy's prescription and leaves the room. The older Tillers excuse themselves to go get lunch at the cafeteria and I launch into a conversation with Andy about football and cars whilst injecting him with his pain medication.
* *
It's been two hours since I left Andy's room. After we had finished talking, he watched some tv and ate his dinner. Then, I had given him his medicine and helped him to the kids main room so he could hang out with his friends for a while before visiting hours were over. After that, he had showered and fallen asleep. Now, I was making my way to Mira's room to see how she was doing.
Once I reach her door, I go to open it but stop when hear soft murmurs. I look through the window to see Mrs. Alvarez asleep on the couch and Mira on her bed. The armchair usually kept in the corner of the room is pulled up next to the bed, and Tony, Mira's best friend, is sitting on it. Tony is talking softly, obviously to make sure Mrs. Alvarez doesn't wake up, and Mira is laughing at whatever it is he's saying.
Even though visiting hours were long since over, Tony had the luxury of visiting Mira whenever as his dad was an ophthalmologist here at May Bridge. He usually visited after hours because he was busy with medical school the rest of the time. I personally liked when he came to visit as it made Mira happier. And as bright as she usually was, it was always nice to she her genuinely happy.
I snap out of my trance when I hear the door opening and see Tony leaving the room.
He sees me and says, "Oh hey Jared! I think you understand when I say that medical school is a bitch. I just remembered that I've got a test tomorrow. Gotta run!"
Something about the way he says that gives me the feeling that he's lying. He doesn't make eye contact and rushes it out like its rehearsed. I stop myself from overanalyzing and say an okay and bye.
He waves at Mira one last time through the window and jogs down the hallway. I watch him disappear around the corner and then enter the room.
"Hey," I say as I move to her IV stand to see how much fluid is left. Then I gather her night time injections and rub an alcohol pad on her arm to prep.
I finish up with the injections and notice that she awfully quiet so I ask, "What's bothering you?"
She looks at me and sighs while rubbing her arm, "He came to visit after two whole weeks and only stayed for 20 minutes. I feel like he's avoiding me."
"Weeell, he's busy with school. And I doubt he'd avoid you, the kid's so obviously in love with you," I say and raise my eyebrow. We both know there's mutual affection between the two yet they've never confronted their feelings.
I do a mental fist pump when she blushes because she does so right on my mental countdown. "Yeah, whatever. I'm going to sleep," she mutters, laying down and pulling her covers over her head.
I chuckle to myself, turn off the lights, and leave. I gather my stuff and take the elevator down to the ground floor. As I'm about to go to the cafeteria to grab dinner, Linda shouts for me. I turn around to see a bloody guy on a gurney being rushed into the hospital. Linda's busy calming the hysterical crying lady down, and the new nurse checking on the guy looks close to a having a mental breakdown. So, I imagine that she expects me to make sure the bloody guy doesn't die on that gurney.
All I wanted was to grab dinner, go home, and go through this next book to see if I could anything by her. I sigh, run towards the gurney, and start helping the newbie nurse with possibly his first emergency room occurrence.
Rushing the guy to the emergency room and plugging him up to all the machinery, I feel a rush of panic when I see no doctor in the emergency room. But it only lasts a few seconds as a doctor comes flying in and emergency room nurses take over.
I wash my hands, take my bag, and walk to my car. Getting into my car, I think about my missed dinner. I also think about how I won't be able to read the book today as I'll pass out as soon as I reach my bed.
I definitely don't get paid enough to deal with all this 'excitement'. But what would I do with more money anyway?