She came to college today. I saw her in the lecture hall. I noticed her because very unusually she walked in late. In fact she came in after Prof. Tripathi started the class, but he allowed her inside anyway - the perks of being chashmish the topper I guess - if I ever tried to pull off that stunt on him, he would probably get me thrown out! But she looked extremely fragile in a loose white kurti and leggings, with her hair tied in a messy pony.
I stole glances at her for the entire lecture. She to my right and looked attentively at the professor, but if you looked closer she was only staring as her hand drew scribbles on her notebook with her pen.
I am overtaken by my guilt again. A more practical part of my brain told me, "dude its leukaemia, this would have happened anyway" - but did I fasten the process, is what I keep asking myself. When my parents were admitted after the crash, I wanted to get the chance to tell them, I had won the talent hunt, whose finale they were coming to watch - but I couldn't - I always wished I just had a few minutes more to convey this - so I know what value that extra time could hold - did I deny chashmish that? Did I go so ahead in my hatred without realizing? "No Abhi, it was a rude joke destiny played with me" I keep telling myself.
But I must do something to get rid of this guilt I cant share with anyone. It is gnawing at my existence with greater force, ever since I saw chashmish's state.
***
I was walking down to the next lecture with a cup of our canteens most amazing masala chai in my hand when I saw her again, this time with BB. BB was walking her to our next lecture and sympathetically telling her to be strong. I felt irritated - it reminded me of all the chachas, chachis, masis, buas at my parents funeral - all ranting the same line, obviously with best intentions at heart - but no one realized, I didn't want to hear those then, I was in denial with the biggest truth in my life. I was sure chashmish didn't want to hear those too.
"Excuse me chashmish, here, tea - Purab sent it - he had to rush for class and no one was around us there from our batch - he said otherwise he would never have sent it with me. Drink it, you will feel better" I was hoping I didn't explain too much for her to doubt. She didn't look at me as I said all this. She silently took the cup and walked along. I silently motioned BB to leave for her class, I would walk with chashmish from here. She gave me that longing smile that tells me that she has been crushing on me for long, and ran away. Chashmish and I didn't talk for a while. In the meanwhile I thought of some conversation, I didn't want to beat around the tragedy of her life.
"So chashmish, Tripathi has a thing for you or what?" I was correct, she was caught off guard and for a split second the old annoying chashmish was back to my relief.
"Excuse me, do you have no manners at all? He is a prof. how can you be so disrespectful Abhi"
"Arre chill, just that he never allows anyone late in class, that's all! God chashmish, you are so damn irritating!"
She didn't reply to this, she made an angry pout and stomped into the classroom, but thankfully she was distracted enough from her grief to pay full attention in this class today.
***
I came home to see daadi scolding Aaliya. She was to get ghee yesterday for making daadi's prasad for her daily puja, but she had forgotten, and daadi couldn't prepare prasad for her puja today. I offered to get the ghee on Aaliay's behalf, but she scolded me too.
"No Abhi! Don't spoil her! If she has made the mistake, let her fix it too"
***
Right now, sitting in my room, I am wondering, was that a message? If I made a mistake, I should fix it myself? I have a plan for tomorrow now.