A few days passed, and I kept my promise to Danielle and the boys. I moved back into my room in our house, spending time with my girlfriend and making sure she felt loved. I couldn’t get rid of the guilt of the past, no matter what I did for her.
I took her to the nicest restaurants in the city. We went shopping together and I bought her anything she took a fancy to. If she texted me saying she was lonely or bored, I was at her door in minutes. I was trying everything, but nothing could chase away the guilt, and it was frustrating me.
“Dani?” I asked as we were cuddling on her couch. She looked up at me, motioning for me to go on. “Why is it that guilt lasts so long?”
She sighed, lying down in my arms. “It normally doesn’t. If you’re still feeling guilty, maybe there’s something you haven’t yet apologized for. Maybe it’s something you’ve forgotten about. Have you talked to Niall yet?”
This was a subject we had avoided. I knew she was uncomfortable talking about him, even though she tried to tell me it didn’t bother her. “No,” I muttered.
“Maybe you just need to clear things up with him,” she suggested. I bit my lip, thinking. I was feeling stronger and much more stable since I had become Danielle’s, and she was gradually helping me return to the joyful person I was before Niall. The person I’d never been when I was sneaking around and hiding my feelings from anyone and everyone. It was nice to feel like myself again.
Wait a minute… I hadn’t talked to Niall yet, and we hadn’t had any awkward run-ins. I hadn’t seen him at all in the mornings or nights, and I hadn’t seen him in the studio when I went in for my recording time. Where was he?
“Did the boys say anything to you about him?” I questioned. She raised an eyebrow. “You know, about Niall? Like, where he is or anything?”
“He left about halfway through the week you were gone, saying he needed to think as well. The boys couldn’t imagine how he was feeling and hated to see him so down, so they let him go. I think they’ve been keeping in touch, but to be honest I’m not entirely sure. I figured he’d come back sooner or later. Why?”
“I just noticed he hasn’t been home. I haven’t seen him since the night I left, and I haven’t seen any of the boys on the phone with him or texting him. This morning, they actually looked a bit anxious but I brushed it off. Do you think he might be ignoring them?” I was stumped. I knew I’d hurt him badly, but there was no need for him to ignore the other boys. They hadn’t even known what was going on and this had nothing to do with them. The only reason they knew we’d been together was…
My letter. I’d left that letter, and by a few days later they all would’ve read it. Was Niall running from facing the truth? Was he trying to pretend nobody knew what he was going through still, and that he could put on an act and have us all buy it? He couldn’t be. I’d left so he would have time to heal and move on, not so he would cry over me and break even further! This was my fault. I felt hot tears in the corners of my eyes.
“Liam? Li-li, what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to cry,” Danielle observed worriedly, rubbing her thumbs beneath my eyes. I just shook my head, unable to form proper thoughts. I had managed to cause another problem, just when I thought things were working out okay. Of course.
“I’ve got to go, Dani,” I choked out.
“Why?” Her eyes peered into my own.
I took in a shaky breath. “I don’t think Niall’s coming back until we force him to.” Understanding lit her eyes, and she pushed me to her door.
“Don’t worry about me, Li. I’ll be fine right here, and I’ll let you know if I hear anything from the boys about him. He’s your best friend and I know he’ll always hold a place in your heart, no matter what you guys used to have. And One Direction wouldn’t be the same without the adorable Irish boy. Go get him.”
Hugging her and feeling a few tears leak from my appreciation, I darted to my car and turned the key quickly. He was obviously not staying at home, and at this time he was more likely to be out for dinner than wherever he’d chosen to stay. Niall never refused food. I began to drive, looking in the windows to his favorite restaurants but not seeing him anywhere.
Eventually I realized that simply driving by was not going to tell me if Niall was in a store or not. I parked my car at the side of the road and set out on foot, stopping to examine each bar, restaurant, and any shop that sold food. Still, there were no clues as to where I could find Niall. Discouraged, I trekked back to my car as it began to rain. By the time I reached the vehicle, I was soaked to the skin and shivering. I hoped Niall wasn’t out somewhere in this weather.
When I reached home, I popped out of the car and quickly unlocked the door, eager to see if the boys knew where he could be. I entered the first room to find Harry and Louis cuddled together sharing light kisses on the couch. For some unknown reason, a pang went through my chest as I watched them. I must be missing Danielle. That was strange, because I’d just been at her house for most of the morning and I’d never missed her like that before, even when I was away.
Their heads snapped toward me, and I assumed I’d made some kind of noise. Great going, Liam. Seemingly unbothered by one of their best friends being in the same room while they were practically snogging, they asked if I needed something.
“Have you seen Niall, or do you know where he might be?” I asked frantically as I remembered the reason I’d come in.
“Not since around a week ago, mate, sorry,” Harry responded guiltily.
Louis cleared his throat. “Last I saw him he was in that little bakery on the other side of town, you know, the one with the delicious carrot cakes that I always order?”
I knew exactly where he was talking about, and I was surprised I hadn’t thought to look there myself. “Thanks, Lou. If I’m not back by the time you go to sleep don’t worry; I’m just looking for Nialler. Tell Zayn where I’ve gone and let him know he’s free to come help.” He nodded and I shrugged my coat back on, ready to resume my search.
When I hit the other side of town, I scoured the sidewalks anxiously, looking for a sign of tousled blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I reassured myself that if I didn’t see him walking, at least it meant he was safely inside somewhere and not stuck in the horrible weather. Taking a deep breath, I let myself out in the downpour to enter the bakery Louis had described.
He wasn’t there. My shoulders slumped and I fell into the nearest booth, defeated. I had really hoped to find him here; I missed him so much, and I wanted him back by my side. Well, not like before, but as my best mate. I missed being around him and our joking around and having a laugh. I missed the comfort of his embrace.
“Excuse me, were you going to order something?” the girl at the register inquired.
“I was just looking for someone who I thought would be here, but it seems I was wrong,” I explained, and she nodded.
“If you tell me what they look like I might be able to help you. I work here most nights.”
I felt myself gain a tiny bit of hope. “Okay, I’m looking for a boy named Niall. He’s about five feet seven inches with short, messy blond hair and blue eyes that may or may not sparkle. He’s got pale skin and he looks skinny at a glance, but if you look closer he’s got some muscled arms. He would probably be wearing thick black sunglasses and a red or green snapback, as well as white Supras. He has loose pants that sag and slightly crooked teeth with thin white braces. If you’ve ever heard him talk, you’d notice a think Irish accent. He’s-“ The girl cut me off.
“Whoa, slow down a second. It sounds like this boy must mean a lot to you, if you can describe him in such detail and so affectionately. You probably don’t even realize how much passion was in your tone just then,” she chuckled and my eyes widened. I hadn’t known how well I knew Niall just from memory. “Would he happen to be your boyfriend?”
I choked on air. “B-boy-f-friend? No, miss, you’ve got it all wrong. I, ah, I’ve got a lovely girlfriend! He’s just my best mate, well I hope my best mate, we’ve kind of had a falling out and he went and ran away and now I’m trying to find him…” I trailed off, wondering how much I should tell this total stranger. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to trust her as much as I had Cameron.
She just giggled. “Right, you keep telling yourself that. To answer your question, yes, I’ve seen him.” My heart jumped.
“You have? Where?” My voice surely gave away my excitement.
“He’s been a regular customer late at night for the last week or so. I believe he should actually be in here quite soon, like within a half hour, if you’d like to wait.” I quickly bobbed my head. I couldn’t believe my luck; after a whole day of searching, I knew where my Nialler was!
No, he wasn’t mine. I had to stop saying that, even to myself. I needed to get out of the habits that were left over from the past. That was then and this is now, and right now I have Danielle. Suddenly a chime rang out, and I looked up to see a flash of blond.
“Hello again, Mary, can I get the- Liam, what on earth are you doing here?!”