"You're home," Jiwon greeted Chanyeol after he entered the house while looking so tired. She placed her cup of milk down and approached him, getting his bag from his hand.
"Are you okay?" She asked even if it's obvious that he wasn't. He shook his head and moved his shoulder lightly.
Chanyeol just did a surgery for four hours before he came home that's why he feels really tired.
"You want me to massage you?" Jiwon offered. He looked at her and smiled. "That would be lovely."
"Alright then. Freshen up first. I'll follow inside your room after I get my oil." He nodded.
After she got the oil, she proceeded inside Chanyeol's bedroom. "Oh," she unconciously uttered after seeing him go out of his bathroom ㅡ topless while drying his hair. As always, he would give her a smile. "Let's start?" He asked and she shyly nodded, watching him lay down on his bed.
Damn it, why did I even offer a massage? This feels awkward. She internally cursed herself.
She inhaled deeply before kneeling down on the bed, staring at his back which looked really manly. It's hot ㅡ Chanyeol is actually really sexy.
She popped open the lid of the bottle and poured some on her hand which was enough to cover his back then she rubbed her palms together to produce heat before spreading the oil on his back. Chanyeol groaned.
"You're doing a great job, babe." He grunted. She bit her lip and looked at his face where she could see him biting his lip too. He sounds erotic and so is his expression but maybe it's just me? She said in her mind but she just looked away to stop herself from being distracted and feeling awkward.
Continuously running her hands on his back, pressing and squeezing his shoulders too, her face frowned with the thought of her not being able to do this to Jimin at least once.
She shook her head and internally scolded herself. 'Stop it, Jiwon. Jimin and you are over, okay? Forget him and focus on Chanyeol. You owe him a lot and this is the only way you can repay his kindness, stupid girl!'
Pressing her hand on certain areas, his bones make a crack which made him groan. Minutes passed and she was only focused on his back and shoulders, making sure that it will make him feel really better. This is really nothing compared to the help that he gave her and Dawon.
"You're good at this," he commended, groaning. "Uh, thanks?" She shyly said.
He suddenly sat up, making her see his naked front once again and she found herself blushing hard. Chanyeol has a really nice body. From the buillt of his muscles until his body proportions that seems as if owned by a very famous model. He's a very hot doctor to start with plus his intelligence make him even more attractive. Surely any women can really be attracted to him even if you just see him standing, sitting, or walking without even putting an effort to look very charismatic.
Jiwon looked away from him and fiddled with her own fingers. "You feel g-good?" She shyly asked, feeling uncomfortable to be with a half-naked man. She's never been with anyone naked or half-naked other than Jimin. And the first time it happened was when she was under the influence of alcohol which somehow boosted up her confidence that time.
Chanyeol suddenly aimed on her lips with his own, kissing her lips passionately as he snaked his arm on her waist to pull her closer. Jiwon was left frozen from the immediacy of the event that she only realized what he wants right after he had already pinned her down on the bed.
She whimpered and pulled away as he started to use a hand to squeeze her thigh. Chanyeol felt his heart break after she resisted from him and that didn't leave Jiwon's eyes after seeing the pain on them. She sighed, feeling even more guilty.
Maybe just one night won't hurt. She told herself while still staring at a broken Chanyeol. He's not crying but his eyes spoke of the pain and confusion. Jiwon bit her lip before closing her eyes and pulling Chanyeol closer to her, wrapping her arms on him. She kissed his lips, thinking that her guilt will go away. Chanyeol responded, kissing her back immediately.
Maybe having sex with a doctor was a benefit since they are very mindful of the human anatomy because Jiwon started to feel herself getting aroused by just him touching her body even that she forgot how she used to be like this with Jimin and how nervous and shy she was feeling earlier from the way that he made her feel so good.
And so it happened. They had sex with Jiwon's permission thinking that this activity could make her guilt fly away.
She just lays there in the bed after, heavily breathing as she thinks about what she just actually did. Chanyeol took the oppurtunity to spoon her closer to him that he could feel her ass on his bare skin. He lightly squeezed her hip. Jiwon kept herself quiet, suddenly regretting everything and feeling disgusted with herself.
'I am a complete slut now, aren't I?' She asked herself. 'I gave my body to him.' She started to silently cry but luckily, Chanyeol has already fallen asleep, feeling happy inside, that's why he wasn't able to hear her small sobs anymore.
He's happy, but Jiwon started feeling disgusted with herself for having sex with someone she doesn't even love. She gave him the permission and yet she still feels wrong. The fact that she's somehow playing with his feelings was also making the guilt in her to fire up even more.
She's starting to feel confused about herself. She can no longer find and answer what she truly is or who she truly is as a person.
All this messed up emotions gathering inside her mind, it's making her head hurt so bad.
She feels hopeless and useless ㅡ worthless once again, but she can never blame anyone but herself this time. She was desperate at that time when she took the risk of cheating behind Jimin and being with Chanyeol because of her love for Dawon. Her mind just went blank. She was so desperate to treat Dawon.
'Can this still be fixed?' She asked herself. She's finally broken. She's once again the broken girl that she used to be years ago after taking the job as a stripper ㅡ the job that she despises because of a painful memory. She was able to fix herself before after convincing herself from her worth and dignity as a person, but maybe not anymore.
***
After that night, everything that she acted around people were fake, particularly her smile. She's acting happy even if she feels so empty inside. She did regret letting him have sex with her but it wasn't a forceful intercourse that she can blame no one but herself again. She thought it can make the guilt go away which did happen but that guilt was replaced by disgust; she's disgusted with herself for turning into a woman that she despises and every emotion that she tried leaving behind just suddenly bursted out from the bubble where it was all hidden.
Every night, she would cry herself to sleep, thinking about how stupid she was. She wants to blame Dawon for being the reason why she did this to herself yet she can't knowing that the decision of leaving Jimin for another man because of money was made by her. In any area she was looking at to find the true answers and true people to blame, it will still take her to her own self because she's the only person who started her own mess.
If fairy tales, fantasies, or even fictional stories were real, she wishes for any to happen to her and that a prince or someone will come to save her again from the mess that she made because she can no longer pull herself out and save herself.
Jiwon was currently outside Chanyeol's house, specifically sitting outside on the small garden while gazing up on the stars. Chanyeol was in his night shift but she doesn't feel like staying inside Dawon's room. Despite of that, she's glad to know that Dawon is doing fine. The improvements may not be big, but still, he was quite improving yet he's still in need of the bone marrow transplant for him to be better.
Since that night when something happened between them, Chanyeol was even happier than he was because he felt like he had taken a few step further towards her heart. Jiwon is happy to see him happy, but she can't be happy for herself anymore.
She sighed, wiping away her salty tears from her cheeks. "I hope you can forgive me, Jimin." She whispered to herself after reminiscing her wonderful memories from the only man to ever love, accept, and save her from her misery before. "It was a desperate decision but unforgiveable. Stop thinking stupid things, Jiwon. You've had enough," she bitterly laughed after scolding herself as a new batch of tears started flowing down her already swollen eyes. She has been crying for more than an hour, thinking about how her life turned into a mess once again.
Cuz when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes~
It's passed midnight yet she couldn't sleep even if she wanted too because she wants to stop thinking and just rest. She's currently listening to some sad songs and as if destined, Katy Perry's song played. The lyrics felt so relatable for her that she started to feel even more emotional.
"Jalja, Wonwon-ah. Neomu neomu saranghaeyo," Jimin said in the video where he was also posing, acting cute, and doing a finger heart which he sent her the first night that they parted when he went to Japan.
Jiwon bit her lips and she lets out a loud sob. "Bogoshipda, Minmin-ah," she cried while playing the video in repeat. "I'm really sorry for hurting you."
"You're the best
And yes, I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know~" she sang along even if she was crying so hard that she couldn't even pronounce each word properly but she meant every word from the lyrics.
She looked up above the skies and she saw a shooting star pass by. "If this is a dream, please wake me up. I can't take it anymore." She begged, sobbing. "I'm so stupid for letting him go. He was right about my pride and now look at me! I'm so miserable."
"Jimin, baby, you were right. I should've listened to you. I should've been strong not only for Dawon but also for youㅡfor us." Her voice cracked. She started to repeatedly hit her head. If anyone could only see her, they may think that Jiwon was a crazy person. She's not crazy, she's just hurting and broken.
She bitterly laughed. "But I didn't want to be a burden to you."
She sighed, wiping the tears on her cheeks but they were replaced by a new batch of them. Crying, she made her way inside her room, feeling tired already, and she lays down on the bed while still crying and crying her heart out until she had fallen asleepㅡfeeling tired and empty.
***
Another day of faking her smiles. She got up on her bed to fix herself and get ready to go in the hospital and as usual, she will prepare food first for Chanyeol to heat up and eat immediately while she is gone.
They will usually go out before but she doesn't feel like going out on a date with him anymore. If locking herself inside her room all day and everyday can be a choice, she will, but Dawon is her priority more than herself since then.
The last time she thought of herself before anyone was whenㅡshe cannot even remember anymore.
She posted a note on the fridge and on the table about the food and that she will just be in the hospital if he needs her before she left the house.
Arriving in the hospital, she silently opened the door of Dawon's room to not disturb his sleep. As she walked further inside, she saw a figure of a man sitting beside Dawon with his back facing her. He was holding Dawon's hand who was just sleeping peacefully on the bed.
The man heard the 'click' of the doorknob and Jiwon's footsteps, making him look behind him.
As their eyes met ㅡ shocked ㅡ Jiwon felt herself become weak. Her knees has turned gelatin and so were her hands that she immediately dropped the bags of food that she was holding after recognizing the face of the man before her.
Pain, anger, shock ㅡ her emotions were mixed. It was as if she felt the wound in her heart open once again after so many years. She started crying as her lips quivered, finally able to speak as she called him ㅡ confused and also shocked.
"Appa?"