I bite the inside of my cheek as I finish up my eyeliner. It's taken me a good thirty minutes, but the wings are even. That's good enough for me.
I let out a shaky breath as I smooth out the wrinkles of my dress. Well, it's not my dress. I borrowed it from Jody. She's about my size even if she is taller than me. All this means is that the dress comes down just below my knees instead of a few inches above them.
My hands shake as I check myself over once more. My hair is pulled back into a simple bun, my makeup consisting of eyeliner and some red lipstick, and my dress is a simple blue that flares out at the waist. It's a little odd for me to be wearing it in this weather, but I'm sure we'll be inside for most of this.
I sigh, crinkling a piece of paper between my fingers and absentmindedly putting it in my pocket, wondering if I should just call this whole thing off. I've thought about it more than once, actually. More than a dozen times. But this is the closest thing I'm going to get to a date with Sam, or anyone, really.
Plus Sam worked really hard on this. At least, I think he has. It's what I asked for for my birthday, and he usually tries to go all out on whatever I tell him I want as a present. It's nice, and I know because of this I can't just cancel.
So, grabbing a jacket and putting on my flats, I head out towards the coms shack, visibly shaking.
I was never this nervous with Wes, but then again, I never went on a fake date with Wes.
It takes me a moment to gather the courage to knock on the door of the coms shack, but my fists only lands on the door twice before it swings open, revealing a bright eyed Sam.
"Hi," He says, a bit breathlessly.
"Hi," I reply. The words feels heavy on my tongue, but I'm glad I at least managed to get that word out because holy shit, does he look good in a tie.
I mean, he looks good all the time to me, but wearing a white collared shirt and a black tie with black slacks is just... wow.
This was a really bad idea.
I swallow, forcing myself to look at Sam and offer him a shy smile. He gives one in return, and by the look of it, he hadn't noticed that I was ogling him for a good minute or so.
I clear my throat, praying that my voice won't crack as I speak. "So, uh, can I come in so we can, uh, get started?"
"No," He replies, and he speaks quickly when he sees my eyebrows go up in surprise. "I-I mean, no. The-the date's not happening here... in the coms shack. I uh, had something else planned, if you're okay with that."
It takes me a moment before I can reply. "Okay. You're the one who planned this, after all. But uh, is it going to be outside? If so I might need to get a thicker jacket."
"No, it's not outside. But I brought blankets anyway. I know you get cold a lot so..." He steps away from the door, grabbing his basket with blankets. I'm guessing the food is underneath it. He gives me a half smile as he steps out of the coms shack, using his free hand to close the door behind him.
"Shall we?"
I nod, following his lead. I itch to reach out and take his free hand into my own, but I don't. I can't. This isn't real. I know this is a date, sort of, but I don't want to make Sam uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want.
"So, where are we going?"
He flashes me a grin over his shoulder. "Greenhouse."
I raise a brow. "Greenhouse?"
"Yeah. It always looks so pretty in there. Perfect spot for a date, I think. Even a fake one."
A hum out a laugh. "Yeah."
"So, uh..." Sam looks around, biting the inside of his cheek as if debating what to say next, "how do you want to do this?"
"Do what?"
"The date."
I tip my head to the side in confusion, even more so when I see Sam's ears slowly turn red.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, is this date for Five and Sam, two friends who are going to eat and drink in a greenhouse and just call it a date just because they're alone together... or is it Five and Sam, two people who are in love with each other and are going on their first date together?"
It takes a lot for him to say that, judging by how he can barely look my in the eye. It takes me a minute to process his words, mostly because I never expected Sam to question it. I honestly had to clue how we were going to act for this. Now, I suppose, it's for me to decide.
"You mean... play pretend... pretend that we're together?" I say slowly. Sam grimaces, as if it pains him to hear me say that. I don't want to think it hurts him to even think about pretending to be with me.
"Yeah. Like that," He says.
"Is that what you want?" I ask, but he doesn't answer. I wish he would. "Because I have no trouble at all with that. If you want, I can be completely and hopelessly in love with you."
He nearly trips over his feet at that, and I see the death grip he has on his basket. I think it's the only thing that kept it from falling when he tripped. He looks at me, and no matter how hard I try, I can't understand the emotions on his face.
"It's not about me, Five. It's your birthday."
I shrug. "But it's not just my date, is it?"
He sighs. "Just please, tell me how you want this to go."
There's a lot of ways I want this to go. There's a lot of ways I wish this would go, but those are thoughts I keep only in my mind, never to be shared. I could have this, though. Sam asked, so obviously he's prepared to act like he loves me, like he wants to be with me.
I know it wouldn't be real, but it's something. I could allow myself just this little bit of something with him.
But I know that won't be enough. One little taste will only have me wanting more.
I want it. I want this so badly, for Sam to look at me in a way he never has, to act, pretend like he loves me, but I can't do that.
Not to him.
Not to myself.
"I want this to be a date for Five and Sam, two people who are going on a date because Five asked Sam out and Sam said yes," I reply, giving a half smile. "That's what I want."
He blinks, then nods, heading onward towards the greenhouse. Once we reach it, we head inside, and I follow Sam towards an aisle of flowers that are a deep purple. They look beautiful in the moonlight.
Sam grabs a blanket and lays it out for us to sit down on, then pulls out the second one for me.
"Thanks," I say softly, wrapping it around my shoulders. His only reply is a smile as he pulls out a small radio and turns it on, allowing soft music to flow through the air.
"You really went all out, huh?" I ask. A small huff of laughter leaves my mouth when he shrugs, blushing from the compliment.
"It's your eighteenth birthday. Gotta make it special somehow."
"Being with you already makes it special." The words are soft, so soft I don't expect Sam to hear them, but by the pause of his hands and the quick glance over my face tells me he did.
I don't exactly feel bad either way.
"I uh, don't have the best Abel has to offer, but I did manage to get Janine to give me this." He pulls out a bottle of wine and sets it down, putting a finger to his lips. "Just don't tell anyone."
I send him a confused smile. "You know I'm not much of a drinker."
"After everything that's happened, I don't think it would be so bad to have a glass or two, yeah?"
I shrug. "You're not wrong."
"And I got some sandwiches and we were actually able to make some of our own cheese with the books we found from that library, so I got some of that too. I mean, the cheese isn't great, but it at least gives us a bit of a mood, you know?"
"Yeah," I say, wishing I could hide just how much I love this, him. To keep him from noticing that I'm smiling at him like an idiot, I grab my sandwich and take a bite. It's just some meat and tomato and pickle, but it's not something I'd ever complain about. After Sam pours me some wine, I take a sip from my glass, ignoring the bitter taste of alcohol on my tongue.
We eat in silence for a few minutes, before I finally muster up the courage to speak.
"I like your tie," I say, regretting it almost instantly when I see him look at me in surprise, before laughing.
"I think I'm supposed to be the one complimenting you."
I scoff. "Please. I always look great."
"And I don't?"
"You look cute, but this one of the few times you don't look like a dork."
He laughs. "Smart Alec."
"Always."
He takes a bite of his sandwich, giving a little shake of his head. "Believe me, I know. But uh, thanks, for the compliment. So, what else have you gotten for your birthday?"
"Oh, uh, well, I got quite a few things. Penelope knitted me a scarf, with some help from Jody, of course. Jody actually got me something too. She found this prompt book, so I could write my own short stories using the prompt. I uh, I'm not really that much of a writer. I'm more of a reader, actually, but the thought is nice. Willis would have loved it." I pause for a short moment, but then jump back into the conversation, unwilling to let myself be dragged down into the darkness. "And Owen got me some insoles for my shoes. I owe him big time for that one.
"Oh, and Milo drew me a picture. It's of me, I think." I reach into my dress pocket, telling Sam the obvious that this dress does have pockets, which makes him smile. I pull out a piece of paper, one that I crinkled up in my nervousness for this date. "See?"
Sam takes the paper, studying it. "It's good. Too bad being an artist isn't seen as great anymore. If it was, Milo wouldn't have to worry about a thing."
I scoff. "Yeah. I like the picture, a lot. I wish he wasn't so realistic, though. I don't really like remembering that I have a piece of my left ear missing or that I have acne scars... but I understand how he likes things to be as realistic as possible so I don't say anything. Except-except the eyes seem odd to me."
Sam shrugs and hands the picture back to me. "Looks fine to me."
"Yeah. It's not bad or anything. I don't know. It's like I'm not looking at a drawing of me. It's like I'm looking at a drawing of someone else as me."
"You mean like your doppelgängers? Like Chrysalis or something?"
"Not exactly." I shake my head. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just going crazy."
"I think all of us have gone a bit crazy since the apocalypse."
"Yeah. I honestly thought I was going crazy when I started having visions and hearing voices in my head," I say, taking another sip of wine. "But, I mean, if I am starting to go crazy, then I at least lasted longer than I thought. Wesley said I'd only last a few years into the apocalypse. We made bets, you know? Anything to keep our minds off of what was really happening. I rarely made light of the situation, but I did when I was with him.
"I wonder what people would say if they knew we had a chance for a cure. Not like, the public, but the people who've died, ya know? It's sad knowing they died without knowing there was a chance we could save them." I pop a piece of cheese into my mouth then down the last of the wine in my glass. Sam gives me a questioning look. I simply shrug and hold out my glass for more.
My eyes turn to the crumpled up drawing, and as I look at myself, a realization strikes me. My eyes go wide with horror as I realize that I was right. That's my face, my eyes, but I'm not the one seeing through them. I don't know how Milo did this, how he could've ever seen me like this, but this is Moonchild looking through my eyes.
"Uh, Five, you okay?" Sam wonders, and I snap my eyes over to him, forcing a smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just zoned out for a second." I clear my throat, eager to change the subject before he gets too curious. I can't let him know about Moonchild. What would he say? What would he think? "So, is there any words of wisdom you wish to give to the new adult? Granted, I've been acting like an adult for awhile now, but... now I can't say I'm just a kid who got stuck into all this."
He scoffs. "You want me to give you words of wisdom? You do know who you're talking to right now, right? Or are you so out of it you forgot you were on a date with me?"
I roll my eyes. "I'm not drunk."
"You sure about that?"
"Yes. I might be a bit tipsy, but not drunk. I'm not that much of a lightweight." I giggle as I say this, and Sam just shakes his head. His smile drops when I speak again.
"Do you think you'd be this calm if we were on a real date?"
He blinks, mouth agape. "W-what?"
"I know I said I wanted us to act as if this was a real date, but I mean, we know it's not. Neither of us are nervous, there's no verbal flirting or flirtatious body language... but, how do you think it would be if this was an actual date? Here we know. There's no feelings," I pause to mumble quietly, "at least, not on your part."
"What was that?" He asks. His eyes are wide, and I'm sure he heard at least a few words of that last sentence, but I don't repeat myself. I down the rest of the wine in my glass, grabbing the bottle to pour some more for myself. I almost miss Sam's look of surprise, which is expected. But I find myself not caring at the moment, even as my mind screams for me to stop.
Thankfully the screaming stops after I take the first sip of my new glass.
"I know if I were on a real date with you, I'd be way more nervous."
"Really?" He asks, and I almost laugh at the look of shock on his face.
"Yeah. I mean it'd be a date with you. I'd be terrified of messing everything up."
"You wouldn't mess everything up. You haven't yet on this one."
"But this one's different. You don't..." I sigh. "We don't... yeah. Anyway, I'm not hungry anymore. What else should we do?"
His eyebrows raise at the sudden change in subject, but the sad thoughts leave my mind almost instantly. I'm actually feeling really happy to be here all of the sudden. But I don't want to stay still, sitting down like this. I stand, looking around at the plants.
"What else should we do?" I ask again.
"What do you want to do?"
I shrug, a silly grin spreading across my face. "What would you have us do if this was a real date?"
He thinks for a moment, before grabbing the radio and turning up the volume. Soft, slow music fills the greemhouse as he stands, holding out his hand to me.
"Dance with me."
I take it instantly, my other hand coming to grip his shoulder, while his lands on my waist. We sway to the music, and I can't help but smile at him like a lovesick puppy. He just looks so amazing here, with me. It's like this is how things should be.
"I think this is the first time I've ever danced with you," I say, although the words feel thick and heavy on my tongue.
He chuckles. "I know. I've tried to ask you at some of the parties we had Abel, but things kept getting in the way."
"I'm sorry."
"S'not your fault."
"I would've said yes if you asked."
"I know."
"I think I'd say yes to just near anything if you asked me to do it." I lean my head on his shoulder. "It's really hard to say no to you."
"Is it now?" He doesn't even try to hide the amusement in his voice.
"Yeah... You know, I'm glad you're my first fake date, and my first post-apocalyptic date, and my first date in general. If I had to choose anyone for that, it'd be you."
He pulls away slightly, a frown pulling on his lips. "Five..."
"What? I'm serious. You're the greatest person I know. Probably the greatest person I ever will know. I'm glad I'm on a date with you."
He blinks. "Wow. You really are a lightweight. We need to get you to bed, I think."
"I'm not drunk," I sigh. "Well, maybe I'm a little drunk but I mean what I say. I love you."
He inhaled sharply, starting to pull away, but I grab his tie to keep him from doing so. I'm desperate as I look into his eyes.
"I know this is all fake. I know none of this is real, but we can pretend, right? That's what you said earlier."
"That's also what you declined," He replies, but his voice is just a whisper, his eyes lidded as his hand comes to cup the side of my face.
"I changed my mind. Let's just pretend for a few minutes, okay?" I ask, slowly leaning in closer to him, tugging on his tie.
"Okay," He murmurs, and we get closer, closer, closer.
I feel his breath ghost on my lips. My grip on his shoulder tightens, and I feel him shudder against me. Every possible nerve is alive, sparking when he brushes against me. Just a bit further...
But then there's the sound of a flower pot hitting the floor, the clay shattering.
Sam jerks himself away from me, as if coming out of a daze, and both of us turn to see what caused this to happen.
Nicole stands near the broken pot, her face showing just how unimpressed she is.
"Runner Five, I've been looking for you. We need to talk."
"Seriously? Now?" I ask in annoyance, while Sam's gaze stays trained on his feet. His eyes are wide, his breathing heavy and his face flushed.
He refuses to look at me.
"Yes, now. You can come back to this once we're finished. Now come on."
•
"You better have a damn good reason why you interrupted my date!" I fume, glaring daggers into Nicole's head. She simply rolls her eyes and continues to drag me along, scrunching up her nose at how I flail around, barely able to stay on my feet. I believe the wine is finally starting to get to me.
"I do. It's about that mission you went on today, in those caves."
I pull myself from her grasp. "How do you know about that?"
"Janine lets me look at the mission debriefings. It appears I've earned her trust, or at least enough of it to know what I need to know on the search for the cure. One of the things I read was Steve's statements when your signal was cut between you two and the coms shack. He said you got a weird look in your eye and it was like you suddenly knew where to go. How is that?"
Even with my brain feeling fuzzy, I know better than to tell her anything. So I shake my head, taking a step back.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about."
Nicole fixes her gaze on me, brown eyes going stone cold. I go rigid.
"What happened to you in those caves, Singer?"
"Nothing."
"Tell me."
"Nothing happened."
"Tell me now."
"Just stop!" I yell. "I'm not telling you anything because nothing happened! Ugh! I can't believe this is what you interrupted my date for!"
"Oh, please, you two and can continue to go at each other as soon as I'm done," She says, lips curled up in a sneer. "Just tell me how you knew where to go."
"I saw some diagrams of the cave, okay?" I say.
She purses her lips, eyes narrowing. "I don't believe you."
"Well, what do you want me to say? That-that some voice in my head told me to do? O-o-or maybe Moonchild told me about the caves, and I somehow remembered them even though there is so much I don't remember from being under her control? Yeah, that totally seems more plausible than me seeing some diagrams of the caves before."
I shake my head, ignoring the pain that laces up the back of my head as I do so, instead being super proud of my acting.
"I'm going to get back to Sam. If you want to continue questioning me, you can do so later."
And with that I stagger back to the greenhouse and head inside.
A smile blooms on my face when I see Sam, but it drops instantly when I see what he's doing. Sam's turned off the radio and is picking everything up, as if readying to leave.
"What are you doing?" I ask, cringing when I see him jump and spin around. "Sorry. I-I said I wouldn't be gone that long. Why are you packing everything up?"
"Because uh..." He sounds choked up as he speaks, and I frown. "Because I think it'd be best if we ended this pretend date right now."
"Why?" I pick up my glass, swirling it around before taking a sip. "I haven't finished my glass yet."
"Yeah, and I think it'd be best if you didn't," He says, taking it from me.
"What? Why? What'd I do?"
"Nothing. Nothing. You didn't... you didn't do anything, Five. And fortunately, neither did I. We need to end this-this fake date now before something does happen, though."
I tip my head to the side. "I still don't understand-"
"I almost kissed you, Five! I-I was going kiss you! Don't you understand how terrible that is? You're-you're in love with someone else, and I know that, and I still almost..." He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes shining with tears of anger and sadness and self hatred. "I know better. I can't... you're drunk, and even if you weren't-"
"I'm not."
He sighs through his nose. "Even if you weren't, which I'm sure you are, I shouldn't have even let myself get that close to kissing you, not when you love someone else."
"I love you." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, but Sam just shakes his head.
"You love me, but you're not in love with me. You're in love with someone else, and if I'd kissed you, if I'd... been selfish, then we both would have regretted it."
I open my mouth to speak, but he gives me no time, grabbing his basket with just nearly everything stuffed into it and running out, as if he can't even bare to be around me.
I stand there for a few moments, unsure how to react. I take a small step forward, and pause when I feel something hit my foot. Looking down, I almost laugh.
He took my glass but forgot the bottle.
Silly boy.
I grab the bottle and take a gulp from it, not caring how unprofessional this may look. Tears sting my eyes as the wine slides down my throat. Deep down I know Sam's right, that I shouldn't let myself be selfish. He doesn't want that because he believes I'm in love with someone else. I almost laugh at the cruel irony.
But he also said he didn't want to be selfish.
What did he mean by that? Did he actually want to kiss me?
"Wow, that ended a lot faster than I thought it would."
Suddenly anger burns through me at the sound of her voice, and I turn and throw the wine bottle at her head. She ducks just in time, and the bottle collides with a potted plant. They both shatter, potting soil and wine going everywhere.
"You ruined everything!"
"Did I though? I just interrupted one kiss. I think if he really wanted you, he wouldn't give up after being interrupted once. Funny, I thought he wanted you a lot more than that." She shrugs. "Guess not."
"Shut up!" I groan. "I know I said you could come ask me more questions, but you should have known that I was lying. I have nothing more to tell you. Please just go away."
"You know I can't do that," She says, and I let out a scream of frustration through gritted teeth.
"I can't give you another explanation."
"You can. You just won't, probably because the real explanation doesn't make any sense, right?"
I don't say anything.
"I'm beginning to find that a lot of things about you don't make sense. But I know you're not going to tell me the truth anytime soon, so I'll move onto the next pressing matter." She clicks her tongue. "Actually, you're really pissed off right now, so I'll give you the gift first and talk about my next set of questions after."
"Gift?" I repeat, and I just barely manage to catch the small box she tosses to me. It's wrapped in white wrapping paper, secured with a cute little red bow.
"Happy birthday, sis."
I sneer at her, tossing the box back. It's a terrible throw but she manages to catch it. "I don't want your stupid gift."
"You don't even know what it is."
"I don't care. I still don't want it."
She groans. "God, and I thought you were annoying when you were sober."
"I'm not drunk!"
"Really? Because you sound it, and you look it. And it really sucks because that means you're probably not going to remember much of this tomorrow."
"Then why are you talking to me now?"
"Because lover boy is too busy with his own feelings to try to protect you from me." She tosses the box back to me. "And I need to talk to you about what you've said about our family to some of the people in Abel Township."
I stare at the box for a moment, and then at her. "Why?"
"Because I've heard the stories you've told people about Dad."
"Okay. And? They're all true. You know that."
"You make him sound like he was careless."
"Because he was. He was a careless parent who nearly got us killed multiple times and chose drugs over us."
She looks at me with disgust. "How can you say that? He was a good man, a good person-"
"No, Mom was a good person! Wesley was a good person! I was a good person before-before..." My voice cracks, and tears slip from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks, destroying the eyeliner I worked so hard on. "Do you know how many people I killed for you? Because I don't. I lost count after... after 133. I tortured people for you. I endured torture for you! You say that you care about me, but you're not sorry for what you did. You don't even feel guilty. I felt it! I felt guilty for every life I took! Every single one! You just-you're a liar, and I don't trust you. I never will, and whatever guilt trip you're trying to pull on me, know it's not going to work."
I stride past her and start to walk away, tears falling down my cheeks as she calls out to me.
"I'm just saying you shouldn't talk badly about your relatives, or past friends!"
"Why? They're all dead anyway!"
"Not all of them."
I stop dead in my tracks, slowly turning around to face her.
"What?"
"Not all of them," She says, striding towards me, stopping only when we're a mere foot apart. "Not mom."
And suddenly my fist is slamming into the side of her face.
A/N: Ooooh! Bet you weren't expecting that one! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!