Tags ('cause I need y'all's opinion on this lol ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ):
Noonecame1212
BellaRosetheFangirl
th3anonymousepotato
ThaliaGabbyP
Empress_Pine
PaisleyCraft
Sailor_Astro
ghostlyprogram
And if I didn't tag you and you're one of the homies that I talk to on Wattpad it's probably because I couldn't find your tag name XD IM SO SORRYYYYYY ;-;
Lol my dudes look at the rules if ya want (in the chapter before this one)
And even if I don't talk to you much or know you, I still wanna hear what you say! Come on, rant with me! ;))
Today's topic: loneliness, friends, fandoms/Wattpad, popularity/coolness, etc
Alright so let's begin with me and my social life, and then we can move on about friends and popularity/coolness and whatever.
So I lowkey think my passion for fandoms is messing up my social life? Yea, totally.
You see, I really hate sharing about myself and especially my interests, since I think I'm really super cringey. And it's weird because I feel like it only applies to me. Like, someone could like Undertale (in example, I'm not shaming any fandoms because I'm part of this fandom lol XD) and express that they like Undertale through merch or drawings or whatever, and I won't think it's cringey and I won't think that anyone thinks that it's cringey. Heck, they can be like "omg I love Sans!" and I still won't think that anyone notices or that anyone cares that they like him. But if I do the same things, I'll think I'm being SUUUUUUPER cringey and I start to think that everyone will judge me or notice or be like "haha look at this loser. Who actually likes Sans?" And I'm super afraid my friends will be like "lol what a cringey loser. I don't wanna be your friend" or that they'll speak badly behind my back.
Basically, I'm afraid of being judged.
And I don't mean just fandoms, I mean everything. Music, favorite TV shows, favorite movies, dancing (which I hate), etc. Heck, even my own body. I'm super self conscious and I hate revealing myself, which why I love to wear hoodies and joggers/sweatpants.
And so it's really a struggle to be controlled by that fear, but I just can't not care. It's like it's been drilled into my skull. I have to care what people think of me.
And I'm just like how did I get to this point? Because when I was a little girl, I was all out. I expressed what I loved with no shame and I liked what I liked because I liked it. Heck, one time I tried to sing this song for my (preschool? Kindergarten?) class that I heard on a Sonic x Amy shipping video I saw XD. Basically, I was trying to sing "Hey Juliet". And I didn't even know the lyrics XDDD like, I just listened to the video, wrote down what I thought were the lyrics, and tried to sing them to the tune of the song. (By the way, they were completely wrong XD I thought the song said "hey toodeeleer" when they sang "hey Juliet" XDD) And sure, I was lowkey embarrassed, but I did it anyway. I had enough courage to do it. But now, I can't even mention the characters' names or I'll get embarrassed. Heck, someone else, a total stranger, can mention something about a fandom that I'm passionate about in their own, separate conversation that I'm not a part of and if I overhear it, I'll get super embarrassed and I'll start to blush really hard. Like bro come on, are you kidding me? We're not even a part of that conversation.
So in short, I'm really reserved. I don't share much about myself. I'm just... there.
Which leads me to the next part.
So my friends aren't exactly the fandom type? And if they are, it's about normal, cool things. For example, BTS. And they're the type with lots of cool friends too. So basically, they're all cool with lots of cool friends, and I'm not. I'm not really interested in normal things. And so, I'm pretty sure I'm like, the only one who likes all the stuff I like with a passion, so I have little people to talk to about these things. I basically only talk about my fandoms with like, one or two people. And even so, they frEAKING tease me about the stuff and I hate that because I start to blush a whole lot and I hate it when I blush.
And so seeing as how there's only like, two people that I talk to about fandoms, you already know that I'm not gonna share a lot in groups.
Which leads to this problem I'm currently having.
So at first, my friend circle was very small. It only consisted of like, 4-5 people (including me). And 2 of those people were the people I talk to about stuff. So since the group was very small, everyone was included in conversations, we all basically knew everything we were talking about (because I basically live under a rock and I won't know about current events lol) and no one was left out.
But then events happened and one of my bigheaded friends started to like this one guy, and our smol circle got yeeted.
Now it's full of cool people that like normal people stuff and now it has like, over 10 people.
And that really kills me and I miss the old, small group because now I stay really quiet in the group conversations. Now I'm always clinging to someone and I feel really excluded. Now I'll be in the middle of the group and I'll feel lonely, which was not something that happened in the old group.
Like during lunch at school, they'll sit in a group and I'll always be on the outside with this one friend (she's not one of the ones I talk to about fandoms).
Hehe here lemme draw it for you
And like, I mostly talk to her during lunch. But of course, she's cool too so when she talks with the other people, I have to find someone else to talk to. Actually, recently when that happens, I just go on my phone and watch Netflix or something.
And we walk home from school too, so when I do, I always walk beside her. But of course, she has a boyfriend, so when she walks with him (one of the cool dudes that joined once my friend liked some guy) and when that happens, I have to find someone else to walk with because, I'm not aboutta interrupt them or third-wheel lol.
So while the rest of the homies talk about stuff, I'll just watch and stay quiet.
One time, we were in front of the house of one of the friends that I talked to about fandoms, and there was the whole group. And they were having this conversation about parties and drugs or whatever, and I did not say a word. Everyone said something and contributed to the conversation, but I didn't say anything. I mean, what do I have to say? I'm not about that life and besides, my parents wouldn't let me go to those parties because they're at the houses of the other guys that joined the group. (They were talking about the party for that guy on memorial day I was talking about lol)
And of course, I'm not saying that my closest friends can't have other friends or that they can't include other people. They can do whatever they want. Who am I to say who can join and can't? But the thing is that ever since that whole group joined our small group, I've been more quiet, isolated, clingy, and lonely.
And because most of the group has been there for that same friend's quinceañera practices, her mom got to know them and their parents, so yea. And it's not like I have any classes with them or really talk to them much. Like I don't know how she does it. She literally has all those people in her classes and I never do? So that limits my already not strong friendship with them. Like are we even "friends"? Or are we just like, acquaintances that are borderline friends?
Oh and I'm really super serious about school and I get lots of homework too. So while they're always on a group chat talking and laughing and whatever, I'm doing homework. And even when I'm not and I have the opportunity to join and stuff, I don't even say anything. Like I'll join the call but I won't say much. Because, what do I have to contribute? I don't know what they're talking about. So I wind up just not joining the calls, which isolates me even more.
And then those two friends that I talked to about fandom stuff do these things that realllllllly trigger me.
For example, there's this thing that they do a lot. So I'll be in the middle of a conversation with them and I'll be in the middle of talking when they see one of those other people of the group. What they do is that in the middle of me speaking, they'll go run to that person and scream in joy of whatever. Heck, I'll be in the middle of speaking to them and someone else will say something to them and they'll immediately listen and respond to whatever they say and leave me mid-sentence. Like ok was I not just talking to you? Is what I, your best friend for years, am saying not as important as the other person? And it makes me feel really sad and bad because oh I guess not if they ditch me as soon as they see or hear the other people.
And (this will happen many times) I'll say something and no one will listen.
Or I'll try to tell them something important and they'll be too busy talking with someone else to notice me saying something like ??? So you'll cut me off mid-sentence but not the other people?
And it just makes me really sad because I've been their best friend for years soooo...???
And so because of this, I mostly only talk to that one friend I sit next to at lunch.
Actually, recently, I've been really clingy to her. I always walk with her and talk with her and trash. But that's because she actually listens and talks to me.
And then she usually waits for me when the others don't and so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And (here's where I tie it to fandoms and Wattpad again) if I'm being honest, I really only truly feel included when I'm on Wattpad and reading fanfiction. Like y'all always include me and stuff. And sure I mean, its not in person and it's by messaging, basically, but still. I feel like I can be who I really am and talk and share things that I'm really passionate about because, you're passionate and understanding about them too. And y'all like fictional characters too, like me. Because in the friend group, I'm basically the only one who doesn't find any interest in real people and only likes fictional characters. Everyone else be having crushes on their friends and trash, and I'll be here crushing on Astro, Tom, Yugi/Yami, etc. And of course, I think that's very cringey; loving fictional characters over real people (but, of course, again, I feel like that only applies to me).
And well, that contributes to the lonely feeling.
And, I know, I know, this is suuuuuuper dumb, idiotic, and cringey, but I've imagined multiple times how different life would be if my fictional homies were there with me or if I were there with them. I feel more included in fanfiction than in the friend group.
And I know, and I understand, that if I just stopped being so quiet and reserved and just maybe included myself into their conversations and stuff, everything would be ok. I probably wouldn't feel so lonely and I probably wouldn't have to cling onto that one friend, but I just can't. I can't bring myself to force myself upon them. Because I just don't find any interest in what they talk about. And even if I do, I know little to nothing about it.
I don't have anything to add to conversations, I'm not cool like them, I don't take risks like them (like freaking drink wine or support drinking wine or shots or whatever), I'm not into the same things like them, I don't like real people like them, and I don't relate much to them.
And I feel like if I forcefully try to add to conversations, I'll be cringey. Like you know when little kids say random, cringey stuff just to be in the conversation? Yea. That's how I feel like I'll be. I feel like I'll just make things awkward. And even so, it's not like they'll listen to me much.
And sure, y'all can be like "oh ok just make new friends". Alright. But I can't because, y'all already know.
I'm really super reserved, quiet, and don't like to share things about myself. So you already know I won't feel comfortable doing that.
And so basically, sometimes I just wish that I was a normal person that likes normal, cool things and likes real people and not fandoms or fictional characters. But nope. I'm me. And I'm stuck being me for the rest of my life, so yea. I just have to suck up feeling lonely.
And I mean, it's probably just me being dumb and selfish for not getting enough attention or something. Like I'm sure if you ask them, they'll be like oh yea I include her. And you know what, maybe they do, but the thing is that I don't feel included. And I can't help these feelings. And I just wanna beat these feelings up and shove them in a bottle, but I can't.
And I just think that a lot. I just believe it's me being dumb, idiotic, selfish, cringey, an attention hog, playing a victim, and etc. That I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can I say? That's just me.