Harry and I don't talk for the rest of the day. In fact, we don't even make eye contact. Training exercises turn into torture as we avoid each other's gaze and the snide snickers of the other recruits, all of which must know what happened in the showers by now.
What did happen in the showers? It almost seems like something out of a dream. Harry and I surely didn't kiss, right? Harry Styles, the man I hate. Or hated. I don't hate him anymore, but still... I never thought it would come to this.
In the shooting range, we choose the targets farthest away from each other. During agility, the playful competition we used to have ceases to exist as we complete our assignments in silence. I try to avoid the gaze of the others, but it's hard when they all seem to be staring.
It probably wasn't the best idea to do it in front of anyone. But how was I supposed to know it was going to happen? It's not like Harry gave me a heads up before he kissed me. And I suppose I didn't give him a heads up when I kissed him back.
Why did I kiss him back? What in the world would have possessed me to do such a thing? I came to this training program focused on one thing: becoming an agent. I'm still focused on that, of course I am. Or at least I want to convince myself it's still my greatest priority. Considering that the other night I failed our mission to rescue Harry, I wonder if I might be getting a little side tracked.
It's just, with everything that's happened this week, my feelings... well... I'm not sure. I saved Harry during the mission and held him as he cried. He held me as we slept and I did the same in return. I recall the night after our mission at the night club when I took the diplomat back to his apartment. Harry didn't seem very happy with me afterwards. Could this be why?
But how could Harry ever have those sort feelings towards me? He's made fun of me, made so many snide and rude comments, I never thought he would want anything more. I guess I was wrong. Maybe it was just a one time thing. Maybe we were both just caught up in the moment. After all, we have been locked up in a concrete cellar for nearly 2 months, no contact with the outside world... But I would never have kissed Mac or Adam. Only Harry.
What the hell is wrong with me? I could be jeopardizing my position at MI6. I'm not exactly sure where General Sanders stands on office relations, but I'm sure he doesn't have an extremely positive outlook.
When the day is finally over I head to dinner. Harry doesn't make an appearance, and I have no idea where he could be. I'm not eager to find out. As soon as I have to talk to Harry either we'll completely ignore everything that happened, like the way we ignore how we sleep together, or it'll be so awkward I can barely get out a full word. For some reason, the former bugs me. Do I really want to ignore what happened?
I take a seat at a table alone and shovel food into my mouth carelessly, too caught up in my own thoughts to give the action my full attention. When I'm about halfway through, somebody takes the spot across from mine.
I glance up, and for a split second my heart swells with hope. Is Harry here to talk to me maturely about everything that happened this morning? When I meet the soft brown eyes and pixie cut that Sarah wears, my expectations grind to a halt.
I meet her gaze and see something behind it that I can't identify. I shoot her half a smile, but she only sits in silence with a look of anticipation on her face. I think I know where this is going.
"Have something to tell me?" She questions. I remember when I truly hated Harry and Sarah seemed to be my only friend here. Since him and I have grown closer, I've barely talked to any of the other recruits. I used to think it was for the purpose of becoming a better agent, but now I wonder if my engrossment was for different reasons.
"To tell you?" I question cautiously. I definitely know where this is going.
"After combat training this morning you disappeared... into the shower stalls." She playfully urges. The expectation in her eyes is too strong to ignore. Will it make me feel better to talk about everything that's been happening with my sole confidant at base? I obviously can't talk to Harry about it. He hasn't even decided to show up for dinner tonight. If that's indicative of anything, it's that he definitely doesn't want anything to do with the situation.
"I guess I did." I continue to bat her questions away. When I look up from my mashed potatoes and meet her eyes again, I can't contain myself. Why should I have to deal with this confusing situation on my own? Maybe her input will help. Besides, out of her and Isla, Sarah was always the least prone to gossip.
"I'm assuming you heard... what happened?" I continue slowly, cringing as I let the words escape my mouth. As soon as I admit it to someone else I have to acknowledge that it actually happened, and I wasn't just having some weird nightmare.
"Heard? I was there! Mac told me he was in the other stall." She continues. I shrug. "Well... what happened? I thought you hated him."
"I do. Well, I did. I used to hate him when we first got here."
"Yeah, I remember well. What changed? He still seems as arrogant as ever." She observes. I stifle a laugh.
"You're not wrong about that. I don't know. I guess we've just gotten closer since we became partners. We train with each other every morning and it- I don't know." I stumble over my words as I try to keep my cheeks from heating in embarrassment.
"Well, what were you doing?" She asks. I look up to her in shock.
"We were just kissing!" I exclaim, trying to keep my voice low. We both chuckle and I feel like I'm in high school again. Never would I have thought I would be discussing a kiss between Harry and I with Sarah.
"Ok, I believe you. But... why?" She continues with her onslaught of questions. I can't blame her. I'm just as confused as she is.
"I don't know why. I honestly don't. I was just excited after the fight- we've been working on it for so long. I just- he just- he did it and then I- I don't know. It just happened." I try to put my feelings into words, absolutely failing. I never was one to talk about emotions or anything private, really. This is out of my comfort zone, but I'm surprised to find I feel a little relieved. Knowing that a world outside of Harry and I's partnership exists is very reassuring.
"So is it like a thing? Or something like that?"
"What?! God, no. Absolutely not." I cry, my eyes widening with shock once again. I hadn't even thought about the prospect of kissing Harry again. I try to ignore the way my stomach turns with butterflies and push the image out of my mind.
"Don't you remember what I told you in the beginning? He's hot, isn't he?" She giggles and I roll my eyes.
"I didn't think so at the time. I still don't now! It just happened, it was a one time thing and it was weird and it won't happen again." I try to defend myself. How could it ever happen again if Harry and I can't even look at each other right now? Surely he's not going to embarrass himself like that again. After talking so much shit about me to my face, he can't be happy with the fact that he hugged me, let alone kissed me.
"It's not going to happen again? Really?" Sarah asks skeptically. I try to issue her a reassuring nod, but it comes across a little forced.
"Well what about you and Mac, anyway? You're in the same position." I try to redirect the conversation towards another topic. I don't think I've had a discussion this lighthearted in months. It's kind of nice.
"Mac and I have never kissed and we never will. We're partners, friends if you like, but definitely not... like that." She tells me assuredly. From the expression on her face I know she's telling the truth. I glance towards Mac sitting across the mess hall with Adam and Victoria. See? Why can't Harry and I have a relationship like theirs? Just friends, no complications, no random fights or unexpected outbursts.
"Alright, then." I concede. Sarah shoots me a playful grin and i try not to reciprocate, but I can't help it. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I didn't realize how heavy the weight of keeping all of Harry and I's issues to myself was becoming. I didn't realize our issues were so complicated to begin with until now, if you could even call them issues.
The rest of the evening passes with pleasant conversation. I don't know why I don't talk to Sarah more often. It's a hell of a lot better than sitting and stewing by myself over Harry's weird behaviour.
"What are you going to do tonight?" Sarah asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you two sleep in the same bed, don't you?" She questions. I forgot about that. I groan and hang my head in my hands.
"Why did you have to remind me?" I cry and she laughs again.
"Why did you even start doing that in the first place? If today was the first day you've kissed, why have you been sleeping in the same bed?"
I definitely can't tell her about that. I don't want to worry her and tell her that there's a possible psycho in the compound who's trying to kill me. Or was trying. I've been safe so far with Harry in our bed. There's no reason to make Sarah upset when she doesn't need to be.
"I don't know. He just asked if we could one night and I agreed. It's better for... partner bonding." I make up a stupid excuse, trying to turn the question into a joke rather than a serious inquiry. Sarah laughs again, but I notice her look me up and down quickly.
"Do you think you'll be sleeping together again tonight?"
I pause and look down. I feel as though it will be too awkward to bear if we have to sleep in the bed together tonight. Then again, thinking about sleeping alone sends nerves shooting through my body.
"I have no idea." I answer honestly. Sarah nods.
"Well, if you need somewhere to sleep, you can always bunk next to me." She offers kindly and I grin.
"That's very reassuring, thank you." I chuckle and she joins me.
After nearly 2 hours pass, I head to the dorm. We haven't done much today, but I feel exhausted. When I get to the bed, i realize Harry still hasn't made an appearance. Where am I supposed to sleep if he's not here tonight? I'm not exactly eager at the prospect of getting drowned again.
I don't want to alarm the other recruits, so I climb into bed as usual. I wrap the covers around myself, concealing the knife that I hold tightly in my hand. I'll give Harry 20 minutes. If he doesn't show by then, I'll head back to the gym.
As I try to pretend to sleep, I don't miss the slight hint of irritation that begins to sneak it's way into my mind. Is Harry really so immature that he's not going to turn up to the dorm at all tonight? I know we kissed and it's weird and I have no idea why, but still- I didn't think he would leave me to sleep all by myself when he knows I might get taken.
My brows furrow further and further until my face is set into a permanent frown. His 20 minutes are almost up and I'm preparing to bring my things to the gym when I see a figure emerge from the entranceway to the dorm. It takes a few seconds to make them out, but eventually I realize it's Harry.
I instantly shut my eyes and feign sleep. Although I can pretend to be unconscious, I can't stop my heart from racing as he nears. What is wrong with me?
Shrouded in the cover of the darkness, I peek through one eye, barely open enough for me to see through my eyelashes. I see Harry standing at the foot of our bed silently, seeming to be deciding upon something. Thank god I don't have to be the one who makes the decision of whether to stay or to go. For some reason, though, I find myself itching to have him lie down on the bed.
I shut my eyes again hastily and wait. Nothing happens for a few seconds, then I hear Harry pad around the bed to his side and tentatively take his place beside me. Facing away from him, I let the smallest smile cover my face. I don't know why it appears, but it does.
With Harry next to me to protect me, I instantly feel secure and immediately the heavy pull of sleep begins to take effect. I figure that's all he'll do for now. After all, he couldn't even look at me today. There's no way we could sleep with each other the way we have been for the past few nights. I'm proven wrong.
I sense him scooting closer and closer under the blankets, barely moving an inch at a time. Slowly, but surely, he comes to rest just behind me and very carefully, he places his arm over my waist. I don't let my body indicate the relief that's flowing through me right now, but can't restrain from letting out a long sigh.
His front comes to rest comfortably against my back and I feel him breathing against my ear.
"I know you're not asleep. Goodnight, Rosy." He whispers, barely audible. My eyes pop open in surprise, but luckily he can't see. I want to reprimand him for having the audacity to say that after ignoring me the whole day, but I can't.
I remain in silence and let myself drift to sleep.
***
The next morning begins as usual. My alarm goes off at 4:30 AM sharp. Harry is no longer wrapped around my body, but lays on the other side of the bed instead. I guess we became disconnected in the night. Slowly rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I forget that it's supposed to be awkward between us right now.
I reach my arm out and whack Harry in the chest, waking him up. This is our daily routine by now and I don't realize for a good 30 seconds the impasse I've just committed. I should not be behaving normally today, right? We kissed less than 24 hours ago. Harry and I kissed. I can't just act normal after such a strange occurrence.
He groans as usual and turns away. I guess he's forgotten, too.
"Get up." I whisper, but not as strictly as usual. Without a word I stand up and slip on my swimsuit. We're supposed to be training in the water today. Harry has made so much progress in the last couple of weeks I barely have anything left to teach him. I guess today he can work on holding his breath a little more, and maybe we can practice some of those awful exercises the General always gives us.
I don't bother to wait for Harry to change and head to the pool by myself. I worry for a second that the masked attacker might be following me, but with Harry to follow in less than a minute, I highly doubt it.
I get in the pool and swim a few laps to warm up. Luckily, MI6 has it heated for us. If they didn't, I don't know if I could bear training in the mornings.
As predicted, Harry makes an appearance after about 5 minutes. He slides into the pool with ease, none of his past anxiety making an appearance. Although during our mission the other night he was tied up and pushed into water, he doesn't seem to be phased now. I think i comforted him enough the night after when he sought reassurance.
"Um, so, probably just those exercises the General gives us and some breathing practice." I suggest. We make eye contact for a split second but I look away quickly. Yep. it's definitely still awkward. I know he called me out last night as we were falling asleep, but we both seem to be braver in that bed than anywhere else.
"Ok." Harry responds. We carry on like this and I have him sink to the bottom of the pool and push himself back up. If my timings are correct, he's about on par with my ability by the time we finish.
"Harry, I think you've got the hang of it. You're timings are the same as mine." I tell him excitedly. Even if everything is weird right now, I can't ignore his accomplishment of a goal we've been working towards for literal months.
"Really?" He asks, and I can sense optimism in his tone, too. "Well, that's good." He shrugs off my compliment and looks away. Oh, so it's going to be like that.
"The only thing left to do is practice breathing and try to stay under for as long as possible. Right now you're at about 1:50, but I think you can push it to 2:10." I try to instruct, keeping the conversation afloat for as long as I can.
"Alright, fine. I'll try for 2." He says monotonously. I nod and watch him go under. Although he's been good all week, he keeps surfacing early.
"That was only 1:30." I tell him.
"Yeah, and?" He questions irritably. I sigh.
"Harry..."
"Sorry." He mumbles quietly before signalling for me to start the timer again. I don't know if I can handle rude Harry this morning, not when there's already so much on my mind.
He goes under again and again, but can't make it to the 2 minute mark.
"Is there something wrong?" I ask.
"No, nothing's wrong." He snaps. I decide to contain my anger and try again.
"Well obviously there's something going on. You were doing 1:50 two days ago."
"I just can't focus. I don't know. It's not a big deal." He tells me.
"Well, I'll just come under with you again. I can get up to 2." I bravely offer. This method usually seems to work, but right now I don't know if I can wrap myself around him under the water like I usually do. I guess if I don't try, I'll never know.
I wade forward through the water until I'm about a foot away. I reach out my hand to grab Harry's arm like usual, but he steps away.
"You don't need to come under with me." He starts defensively. I can't help the blow to my pride.
"I'm just trying to help." I argue and I see his face turn to a frown.
"I don't need your help." He says harshly. That's it. I can't take this. If he's going to be an asshole to me after everything that happened yesterday, i'm not going to stick around to deal with it. I know Harry can be difficult, but I thought we were past this, awkward kiss or not.
"Why are you being such a dick?" I can't help but ask. I have a feeling that I'm not just referring to his behaviour in the water today, but his behaviour from all of yesterday. Excluding his decision to come sleep in the bed with me, I didn't feel great after he abandoned me.
"I'm not being a dick, you're just being annoying." He asserts. I don't even have the energy to scoff at him.
"Fine." I retort harshly. I turn away and start to swim towards the edge of the pool. I guess I'll just go back to sleep if he's too good for my help.
"Rosy!" Harry calls. I can sense the regret in his voice but I don't turn around.
"Rosy... come back." He pleads.
"Fuck off, Harry." I maintain my stance. I don't exactly feel great about being rejected just now.
"Fuck- Rosy." Harry sighs before I hear him paddling after me. I'm almost to the edge of the pool when I feel his large hand around my arm, holding me in place.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." He tries to apologize, stuttering as he does so. He never has been good at this. I used to think that his feeble attempts were worthwhile, but now it's just annoying.
"What? You don't need my help. I get it. I'll go." I state, turning away once again.
"I do want your help. You're a good teacher." He tries once more, but I don't feel like listening. I need to be away from him, somewhere I can cool down. I don't know how we're going to stay partners if it's going to be like this from now on. I wish I could take everything that happened yesterday back.
"Yeah, right." I respond sarcastically. I try to hoist myself out of the pool, but Harry's grip is strong. He refuses to let me go and pulls me back into the water. We stand face to face and this time he doesn't hesitate.
He bends down and places his lips to mine without warning. Just like last time, surprise takes over my entire body. I never thought this would happen in the first place, let alone for a second time.
The anger I was just feeling melts away. I don't stop myself from kissing him back. I didn't realize how much I wanted to do it again. Harry doesn't have a shirt on and I don't stop myself from bringing my hands to his chest and feeling the muscle there this time. His hands tangle tightly in my hair, tugging my head back slightly so I can't pull my face away. Not that I would want to anyway.
My hands eventually reach the hem of his swim trunks and my breathing becomes harsher. I have no idea what's possessing me to do this right now, but I definitely don't want to stop. Our lips move together so perfectly I'm barely aware of my surroundings. I feel Harry's heart beat harder as my hands move and my own matches his.
What am I doing right now? Why am I standing in this pool, making out with the partner who's supposed to work with me throughout my missions at MI6? The better question is, why can't I stop myself? I need to stop myself. This needs to stop. What the hell am I doing? We're both going to get kicked out of training.
I slowly pull away and disconnect our lips. I look up at Harry and he looks down at me. His chest moves up and down rapidly as little drops of water drip down from his damp hair across his face. The longing I see in his eyes almost forces me to kiss him again, but I stop myself. This can't keep happening.
"What's going on?" I ask quietly. I don't break eye contact, not when I've been working so hard to get it back for the past day.
"What do you mean?" Harry asks, and I don't miss the cheeky smirk on his face. I don't have the energy to deal with this right now.
"You know what I mean." I roll my eyes and huff. Harry takes a slight step away so he can look me in the eyes with craning his neck downwards.
"I don't know, you tell me." He shrugs, blatantly oblivious.
"You're the one who started it." I accuse, feeling a little child-like, but I can't help it.
"You started it." Harry retorts. My mouth hangs open in surprise.
"You're the one who kissed me yesterday!" I exclaim.
"You're the one who came and jumped on me in the shower while I was wearing a towel."
I stay silent and contemplate my actions. Did I start it? That wasn't my intention at all at the time, I was just excited, but now I realize what it looked like.
"I- I didn't mean for... for that to happen." I stutter. Harry shoots me a narrow look.
"You kissed me back." He states. He's right.
"My number one priority is MI6- becoming an agent. That's what I care about." I assert, trying to get my point across sloppily. Harry's brow arches higher than I've ever seen it.
"Yeah? How come you failed the mission to save me the other night?" His question cuts deep. I'm speechless for a second as I remember my actions.
"I didn't fail the mission- I couldn't find the department in the first place." I stammer. Harry can see through me like glass.
"Yes you did. I know you did." He accuses. I don't want to give it away, but I've never been very good at lying to Harry. To anyone else I can lie on the drop of a dime. It's just with him... He can tell the truth as my eyes dart away.
"I want to become an agent. That's the only reason I'm here." I say once more. I can tell Harry's getting worked up by the pink tint in his cheeks beginning to surface.
"So you want me to stop?" He asks. His voice sinks lower and he takes the step towards me again. He's just as close as when we were kissing. My throat drops into my stomach as I examine him and he waits. I know he's expecting me to reach up and kiss him again, but I can't. I'm here to become an agent, not to make out with Harry.
"I- I..." I stutter. This is harder than I thought it would be.
"Do you?" He questions, his voice not much higher than a whisper.
"I need to go." I finally manage to squeak out the rest of my sentence. Before he can stop me again I jump out of the pool and hurry to grab my towel and leave.
I don't know how the rest of the day will go after this, but judging from my experience yesterday, I know I'm not in for an easy ride.