Chapter 6
A Storm in My Heart
I was in great turmoil. I was so confused for there are so many emotions inside my heart. At one point, I wanted to cry because I couldn't understand why I would laugh at such a scene. At one point, I wanted to laugh because it feels so ridiculous that I have suddenly become someone I didn't know. And at the same time, I feel so scared because I have never felt this way before. There was excitement in me for all the wrong reasons and there was this pent-up frustration because of extreme disappointment on myself. They all happen at the same time and it feels like I'm going to cross the bridge to insanity.
I stare at my hands as they unconsciously begin to tremble. Irritated, I balled my hands into fists and ran to the nearby wall. There was an uncontrollable urge to release all of the pent-up emotions building inside me.
"Stop f*cking trembling!" I yelled as I punched the wall with my left hand. I was expecting even just a simple tinge of pain but, to my surprise I could not feel anything. I punched the wall for the second time using my right hand but, it was harder. I still couldn't feel anything.
"You deserve this, Eiddwen."
*Thud!* *Thud!* *Thud!*
The sound of the wall being punched continued to resonate into my ears as I kept on hoping for the pain to start waking me up from this stupid dream. Wait, is this even a dream? My breath grew heavy and my eyelids were starting to droop down. Sweat was trickling from my temples as I tried to catch my breath. I was exhausted.
My arms grew heavy from being tired of punching the wall. I landed on my buttocks, hugging my knees. I still could not feel anything. My chest feels heavy. It's filled with heavy bags. I can't breathe.
It feels like I'm drowning...
My eye lids slowly gave in to exhaustion and before I could even think about it, everything went black. "You are disgusting."
A voice suddenly gave me a nudge to wake-up. "You are a disgusting sex-loving freak." The voice came from my right ear and all of a sudden, the white noises started to become louder. I covered my ears, in hopes of wanting the noise to disappear.
Suddenly, without notice, my limbs became motionless. I could not feel my hands and feet nor I could control them. "What the f*ck?!" I exclaimed in fear.
I could hear footsteps drawing closer. Slowly coming out of the shadows, I see myself crying while wearing the hideous smile with bleeding knuckles, and holding a knife. She was coming towards my direction.
"Trash like you, like me, we should burn in hell!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Gasping, I felt my eyes abruptly opening. As I catch my breath, I stood up and ran towards the light switches and hastily turned the lights on with trembling hands. Inhaling sharply, I felt my knuckles twitch in stinging pain.
"Ow," I mumbled, checking my knuckles.
They were bleeding and blood-clots were forming in between the protruding bones of my knuckles. F*ck, I need bandages.
I let out a frustrated sigh as I dragged myself towards the bathroom's medicine cabinet. As I opened the cabinet, I rummage for some bandages but, right after I found one box of them, a blade fell down. My vision gets sucked into the blade and my thoughts become blurry. I could mot think about anything but, I wanted to touch the blade.
My hands naturally moved towards the blade. Unsheathing it, I gave it a long stare. To me, it shone brightly and looked very sharp. My throat was feeling dry, and the more I only stared at it, the more it feels like I couldn't breathe.
No. I must avoid it.
I hurriedly placed the razor down, and put it back to the place where I found it. I grabbed the bandages and carefully wrapped them around my throbbing knuckles. Well, good luck to me about these, they're definitely gonna get noticed by my classmates.
What am I gonna say when they ask me about these? I f*cking added too much strength and I bumped into the wall? Both hands? F*ck that sounds so lame. What else am I gonna say? I have to act like a normal person. Like, what would a normal person usually do to get their hands injured?
What am I even thinking about. No normal person would f*cking let themselves be injured. Eiddwen, you really are stupid. Oh, right I can just hide them by putting them in my pockets, God Eiddwen you're smart!
But, anyway, Wow, look at you, Eiddwen thinking about shit like this when they won't even care about you. They won't give a damn about you anyway, so why are you worrying for some shit like that?
Another heavy sigh escaped my lips as I allowed my head to hang low.
"You're stupid," I mumbled. "Why does everything have to be so hard?"
Looking up, I saw my face being reflected into the mirror. There was a feeling of disgust while I see reflection. I was looking at myself, I feel disgusted but at the same time, I didn't know who I was seeing.
Instinctively, my hand rushed for the reflection of my image. I hated the my reflection. I turned around and hurriedly walked out of the bathroom. The moment I walked out of the bathroom, the walls suddenly looked so big to me like it was looming over me. They were slowly closing in and the fact that it feels as if it was eating my space away, frightened me.
I hurried to the bedroom and dived into my bed. I pulled the sheets to cover me so that I could not see the tricks my brain was playing on me. "F*ck! Brain! Sleep!" I yelled. I could hear the sounds of my heart-beat going at a fast pace. It was relentless and I had no idea what to do about the fear that was stuck inside my chest.
I closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths, hoping it could ease my nerves. After a few seconds, my heart-beat finally calmed down. I wiped the sweat formed on my forehead and continued to inhale and exhale slowly. F*ck. I hate this.
--------------------------------
*Beep!* *Beep!* *Beep!*
The sound of the alarm clock enabled my body to jolt up from the bed. I got down from the bed, grabbed the towel and dragged myself back to the bathroom. Without thinking too much about it, my body moved naturally to the routine that I was used to. I shampooed, soaped, and rinsed my whole body, while trying my best to ignore the stinging pain coming from my knuckles.
I slipped into my uniform right after taking a bath and drying myself and grabbed a fresh set of bandages to cover my wounds. I wore my hoodie so, I could have a pocket where I could hide my hands all the time. I took a piece of bread from the container, walked out of the condo. I didn't want to spend my time being inside that room because it felt like a prison.
I took my earphones out, and plugged them into my ears. The audio was simply the sound of waves because I believe, from my past experience, it has calmed me down.
Setting my foot out in the streets, I found myself sighing in frustration. It's f*cking loud. The cara honk. The people yammer sh*t and everyone looks as if they were talking about me. Whenever I pass by, their stares would pierce my back like they were out of get me and make fun of me.
"Ew! Disguting!" Said the girl who passed by me while giggling.
I quickly turned my head towards her direction and she was talking to her friend just walking beside her. "I know right? Let's not eat that sh*t again," said the other girl.
I thought they were talking about me.
"Yow, bruh. So I just found out that she's f*cking horny every night!"
I quickly turned my head around again to look for the guy who was speaking. I found him standing by a pole, holding his phone on his ear and laughing like a maniac.
"She's a cheap hoe underneath that good girl sh*t."
I found my heart suddenly increase the pace in beating. The sounds of the people talking suddenly got louder. Their voices were being absorbed by my ears all at once. I pressed on the volume button until it reached the maximum bar and increased my pace in walking.
What the f*ck's up with the street.
I tried to concentrate on the sound of the waves but, the more I tried to intently listen to the calming waves, the more muffled the noises become. Like all of the voices, the sounds, the noise from the street start to unravel and combine inside my head at the same time.
"Shut the f*ck up," I mumbled.
My blood was rising and I was getting scared of everything around me. They know it. They must've noticed it. They must've seen the bandages, they must've seen how
uneasy I was. They're gonna tell the others! They think I'm weird. They think I'm disgusting! They were out there to get me! They're gonna get me! It's over! It's over!!!
*Thud!*
"Eiddwen!"
A different voice?
A tap met my shoulders and running to my side, Jared came with a big smile on his face. "Finally you turned around!" he said while slightly breathless.
He took one of my earphones and popped it into his ear and intently listened to it. "Oh, wow you listen to the sound of the waves?"
I hurriedly forced a smile and said, "Y-Yeah. Weird I know but, it helps me focus."
"I like listening to them too! It's calming," he replied, wearing a big smile. But then, he suddenly changed into a worried expression while cocking his right eyebrow. "What happened to you? You look pale."
"Huh?"
"And wow, you look like you didn't sleep much? What have you been doing?"
"I know I'm ugly and all but, do I look really that bad?" I asked, averting my eyes away. I felt embarrassed of the way I looked right now and somehow, I wanted to just run away.
"No, I didn't mean 'that' bad. It's just that, you're really pale and I can't see any vibrance in you," he replied while staring intently at me.
I couldn't help but feel very uncomfortable from the way he looked at me so I unconsciously looked on the ground. I wanted to escape and I was very embarrassed of myself. "O-Oh, I was finishing a paper last night. I didn't get to rest that much."
"Oh, I see. But, um you look like you're in pain--"
I raised my head and gathered up a lot of energy to force a smile out of my lips and said, "I'm fine, Jared. Don't worry about me. It's natural that I don't get much sleep. Come on, it's senior high, we gotta focus and work our asses off." I shrugged and playfully punched his arm.
His eyes suddenly fall into my hand that was wrapped in bandages. Realizing the stupidity I did, I made it as natural as possible to retract my hand and placed it back into the pockets of my hoodie. I could tell by his expression that he was about to point it out but, I quickly said, "See you later, Jared. Gotta run!"
I quickly turned around and started walking away. However, my hoodie was yanked backwards and I almost choked within that split second. Irritated, I quickly turned towards Jared who pulled my hood to give him a piece of my mind but, my mouth unexpectedly closed when I met his eyes flaring.
"I think you have to tell me something."
"Um, no?" I said, acting as if I really had nothing to tell and no clue about what he was talking about.
"What's that on your hand? What are you doing?"
"Oh this?" I raised my hand to reveal it covered in bandages. I nonchalantly waved it and said, "Used too much force and bumped into the wall. It had a bruise in it." I looked at him in the eye, hoping I could trick him into believing this stupid lie.
"How can you be so stupid?" he said, his nostrils flaring.
"Wow, relax man. It's just a bruise. Don't get so worked-up about it."
He shook his head, and looked at me with a certain concerned mix of frustration in his eyes. I could nor read his expression and I couldn't tell if he believed my lies or not. But it doesn't matter, at least he stopped pestering me.
"I should go, see you around, Jared," I said while faking a smile. I tapped his shoulder, turned around and started walking away.
"Hey, Wen!" he called.
I turned my head partially, with just my peripheral vision being able to see him. "You can always talk to me, you know that!"
A small scoff escaped my lips and smiled at him, weakly.
"Thanks, Jared. I will," I replied lowly.
I turned my head back to the front and as soon as I could tell that he couldn't see my expression anymore, my smile naturally faded back into its place. I had an emotionless and dull face.
And of course, I'm not gonna tell him or anybody about my sh*t. Better let my sh*t be kept in me forever than have them only despise me and look at how gross I am. I'm not stupid and I'm not going to let them hurt me more than how everything hurts right now.
End of Chapter 6