Ryan
****
"Yo Ry, you wanna hit dis?" Rayan's high ass asked as he shoved his burning blunt in my face.
I scrunched up my nose and pushed his hand away, "C'mon now Ray, get that shit out my face; you know ion smoke. That shit stinks." I waved my hand in front of my face to get rid of the odor that I at one point couldn't stand. He chuckled and shook his head.
We were chillin' at one of his friends' house-- well he was chillin', I on the other hand was extremely uncomfortable. I always hated being around his friends, given that a group of them at one point raped me.
Although Ray didn't believe me, I still loved him regardless. I mean, he was the only person I had, besides Money. He just made a very stupid choice, but he was still the same sweetheart of a brother from when we were little kids. Unfortunately, Money was off somewhere with one of his many hoes, leaving me to tag along with Ray and his friends; which was almost like being around a different person.
"Aye, y'all niggas want some' ta' drink?" his friend Korey asked as he peeked his head from out the kitchen.
"Yeah bruh, gimme somethin' strong." Ray nodded. "No thanks, I'm good." I mumbled, never taking my gaze away from the Tv.
I hear Ray kiss his teeth so I looked over at him, "Damn Ry, you so borin'! You'on smoke, drink, or neva wanna do shit," he shook his head, "you gotta loosen up babygirl."
I rolled my eyes at the words I heard all too often from him, "Well excuse the hell outta me fa' not trustin' every damn body."
"It's just a drink Ry, what's the worst that could happen??" he poked my side, causing me to break my mean mug and laugh a little, "Big bruh got you!" he said with a huge, goofy smile that I couldn't resist.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." I mumbled as I playfully rolled my eyes.
Korey came into the room and handed us our drinks. I mumbled a quick 'thank you' while Ray just nodded. He quickly threw the drink back to its entirety, making a face as it burned his throat.
I sighed then took a quick swig of the drink. It didn't taste half bad so I drank a little more, the burning sensation filling my throat. A few minutes later I started to get a weird feeling.
"Damn Ry, you good babygirl??" Ray asked with a worried expression on his face.
I slowly looked up at him, "Uhh.. y-yeah. I'm just kinda... kinda tired." I said as drowsiness slowly came over me.
Korey chuckled, "Damn, you couldn't handle one drink??" he smirked. I saw Ray look over at him with skepticism.
"I'll take ha' upstairs, she can lay in my bed." he lifted me up and made his over to the stairs; I was too gone to protest. I saw Ray about to do exactly what I wanted to but the doorbell interrupted him.
"I got it." Korey said as he sat me down on the stairs and walked away.
"'Bout time you got hea' nigga, I thought yo dumb ass had fa'got." I could hear him say.
Ray got up and came over to me, "Baby sis, you good?" he asked with worry in his voice and all over his face.
"Noooo..." I groaned. I was feeling nauseous as hell.
"Ight c'mon, I'm finna take you home." he picked me up bridal style.
"Nah man, yeen leavin' just yet, we gotta talk." I heard a new voice say. He sounded familiar, but as I felt like I was gonna pass out at any second now, my vision was too blurry for me to see his face.
"Wassup Lo, Ry not feelin' good, I gotta go."
"Nah nigga, you ain't finna go no damn wea'. Now put ha ass down so we can talk."
"Yo who da fuck you think you talkin' to?" it suddenly got quiet as Ray put me down. My vision was still too blurry for me to see what was going on.
"What the hell you on man? What you gon' shoot me fa'?" Ray's voice was calm, like always, but I know he had to be terrified. I was too out of it to even attempt to stop whatever was happening, hell I could barely keep my eyes open.
"I ain't on shit nigga, just know me and Korey takin' shit over!"
"You gon' kill me 'cause you wanna be in charge of this drug shit?? Nigga you can have da head chair, dat ain't no reason to kill me! I thought we was fam blood, why da fuck you switchin' up na'!?"
"Dat's right nigga, you thought. But in reality, I ain't never liked yo ass. You always thought you was superior or some shit. Nigga you not! You walk around hea' wit'cho head held high as if you better than somebody--"
"Just because I got pride in myself you think I'm arrogant!? Nigga is you stupid!?"
"SEE! Dea you go usin' big words and shit! Why couldn't yo ass just say gooder?"
"Uh Lo... gooder ain't no word fam..." I heard Korey say.
"What the fuck eva nigga! I'm still finna kill his ass!"
"Gon' 'head and do it man... at least now I know how you feel in yo heart.." I heard Ray sigh, "Ryan, I love you baby." I heard the gun being cocked.
"Lemme say one mo' thang." Ray said.
"Might as well since it's gon be the last thing."
Ray laughed, "Y'all some pussy ass niggas mane." after that I heard the clip of the pistol being emptied and a loud thud. I knew Rayan was dead. I wanted to scream, cry; some of everything, but I was too weak to even keep my eyes open anymore.
I passed out and woke up the next morning sore as fuck, but I completely ignored the pain. I was in the house alone; not even Rayan's body was there anymore. I walked for what felt like forever until I finally made it to Money's house. As soon as I walked in, he was all over me. Asking me was I okay, where I was at, and where Rayan was. No matter how many questions he threw at me, I remained in my daze. The only thing I could utter was, "Rayan's gone.... my brother is dead..."
****
"Ahh fuck..." I mumbled as I jumped out of bed in a cold sweat with an excruciating migraine. It wasn't uncommon that I had this reoccurring dream of the night my brother was killed, but the headache was new.
I went into the bathroom and wiped my face with a cold wet towel, then downed 2 Tylenol. I looked at the clock and it read '3:47am'. I shook my head and tried to lay back down, but for 1, the headache wouldn't stop. In fact, it had gotten even worse. 2; I had this weird feeling in my stomach. It was telling me something was wrong, and it was the same feeling I got after I read the note August left that night.
I began to think about August and how I hadn't seen him since the funeral. Of course I was worried, seeing that it was nearly a month ago, but I figured he just needed his space. I still couldn't shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right with him, so I jumped up and slipped on a pair of sweats, some slides, and one of August's hoodies. As I pulled down the sweatshirt I was reminded of my growing belly, which made me smile. I was going on 2 months pregnant, and although I barely had a baby bump, I could still feel life growing inside of me.
I left out the house and ran to my car, starting it up and turning on the windshield wipers as rain began to pour down. I backed out of the driveway and started my drive to August's house.
As I was riding along the bridge, I saw a very familiar figure standing on the edge.
"Oh my God..." I gasped as I quickly pulled over and hopped out the car. I slowly but swiftly walked over to him, to avoid startling him, as his back was turned towards me.
"A-August... what are you doing out here?" I asked softly.
He shook his head, "I'm tired Ryan..." he looked at me with low eyes. He looked tired.
"Baby this ain't the answer." I tried to reason with him.
"I been through so much shit... I just wanna know what it feel like ta' fly..."
"August.."
"This jump can solve all this bullshit. I ain't scared eitha'.." he chuckled, "I ain't scared ta' die."
"Listen to yo self August, you sound crazy!" I yelled in frustration as my nose started to burn. I could feel the tears coming.
"Damn Ryan, maybe I am!" he yelled, "I fuck everything up man!! Everybody was all good 'til I got hea', now look at this shit! I fucked yo life up, got the only person I knew genuinely loved me killed, and now I'm standin' on dis ledge wit' all these drugs in me, ready to jump!"
"Everything happens for a reason, whether you feelin' guilty or not, you can't always blame yo self Aug! Aunt C was an amazing woman; God needed her as an angel."
"And baby, I swear you didn't fuck my life up. This child is exactly what I need to make me feel like I'm worth somethin' August. The first time I willingly have sex with someone, I get blessed with a child that I'm gonna love regardless, and you did that fa' me."
"You want your child growin' up without a father like you did? August think about what you doin'. Please don't leave us." I sobbed loudly, putting my face in my hands.
"Ryan... s-stop.." he said, "Stop cryin' babygirl." I felt his arms wrap around me and squeeze me tightly. I immediately held on to him.
"I'm sorry baby, I swea' ta you, I'm sorry... ion know what I was thinkin', my heart was just hurtin' so bad." he cried into the crook of my neck.
...
"Aug?" we were now at my house, cuddled up together in my bed. He objected to coming here at first because he felt that he would be disrespecting Money after all that happened, but I finally got him to give in.
"Yeah baby?" I looked up at him to see his intense gaze already on me, "I know you probably don't wanna talk about it, but... w-why did you do that?"
He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, "I was just... overwhelmed. I felt so much sadness and anger.. I couldn't control dat shit."
"But think about where you from August. A lot of niggas never make it out. This murder capital; ain't nobody guaranteed another day even if they some wea' chillin' in they crib. So many people out hea' ain't gon make it to see tomorrow, but you got outta dis shit; you made it! ..why would you throw all of it way?"
"I honestly don't e'en know baby.." he sighed, "Sometimes I just feel like... Fuck My Life..."