I woke up,
Well, more or less felt, okay, I wasn't going crazy, or having panic attacks, I was just, okay.
Okay being intimate with Lance, okay with him touching me out of love, okay with his affection, in the end.
He held me tight, and honestly it felt calming when his warm, dark, soft skin was against mine. His chest rising and falling with my head on it. I felt bad, bad that I didn't do at least something last night to him.
But on the other hand, he was right about me overstepping. I just, I want to know if I will, if psyching myself out to;0 it being okay will be enough.
I want to be with him, no matter what it takes, just not today.
"Baby" He mumbled, kissing my head.
"Hello" I peeped, snuggled in the covers as he sat up.
"Hi" He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "Good morning" His raspy voice cracking through his lips.
"Good morning" I lifted up, kissing him.
"Mnn" He breathed out after breaking our lips. "How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Okay" I answered. "I'm just, not excited, more, relieved..." I pondered aloud.
"Good" He kissed my cheek, getting over me to his clothes.
I covered up quickly, forgetting immediately that I was naked.
"You know, I've already seen everything now" He joked back to me.
"So?" I flushed bright.
"You're so cute" He smirked, coming back over to me. He got on top of me and kissed me gently.
"I'm not" I mumbled, tracing over his clothed shirt.
"You are" He kissed my neck, I giggled loudly.
"Stop! Alright!" I laughed, snorting.
"Told you" He smirked widely, bundling me in his arms with the blanket. "I love you" He kissed my cheek.
"I love you too"
"Do you?" He asked.
"Of course, I love you a lot" I looked in his eyes.
"You sure?"
"Yes" I deadpanned.
"Just making sure" He blinked softly, I stared into his eyes, lovingly smiling. I kissed him gently, running my fingers through his dark hair, he pushed me gently on the bed, his hands roaming my body, his breath heavy in between kisses, hickeys on my neck.
I loved every minute, his thrusts, and panting, letting myself go-
-
My head fucking hurt
I got up, bolting to the bathroom, I threw up practically my whole liver.
"Fuck" I breathed out, looking in the toilet, I sighed at the food and liquor mixed together. I was stupid last night, really stupid.
I looked around, I was naked, but so damn nauseous that I didn't even notice, I also had trouble standing, everything hurt so bad, I felt drowsy as I tried to walk back to the bed, Lance was in the bed.
I tried my hardest to remember last night, what happened? What did we do? We went to a party, I don't handle alcohol well, definitely not, but I was naked, and that dream was fucking, ugh-
My head is swirling again, maybe I should lay back down, after all whatever happened, Lance wouldn't have hurt me, he can't...
I nuzzled into his back, holding around him, my head swirled into sleep. I really didn't dream, I just slept black.
When I finally woke up, he was gone, I tried to pick up the puzzle pieces but it was so confusing.
"Lance?" I mumbled, picking up my clothes, it was his room, he should be in it.
I walked out into the upstairs hall, he wasn't in any other rooms, so I headed downstairs.
"Where's Lance?" I asked Carmen.
"He bolted out this morning, said he had errands to do" She shook her head. "Didn't even stay for breakfast" She pouted.
"Did you call his phone?" I pondered.
"He left it here" She mentioned over to the table.
I sat down, defeated. I was trying to puzzle everything together, the minimal memories I had from last night, and anything else.
"Did something happen last night?" She sat down.
"I think, I just... Semi-remember of things from last night, but I don't have all the puzzle pieces" I started crying, because I was frustrated.
"Hey, I'm pretty sure when Lance comes back, he'll definitely let you know"
"I hope so"
-
"You both came to the party" My friend hugged around me, I giggled a bit.
"Yeah, couldn't miss it, can't believe you're graduating, feels like yesterday you were a sophomore" I joked.
"Yeah, well, you're gonna be a senior next year, time flies" He sighed.
"Yep"
"By the way, your boyfriend is gorgeous" He whispered.
"He's mine" I pouted.
"I know, but if he wasn't, best believe I'd snatch him up" He giggled.
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost him" I looked back at Keith.
"Hi" He smirked.
"Hi" I smiled back.
"Lovebirds" My friend let me go, sighing out.
I stopped and waited for Keith, grabbing his hand, we walked together, a few stares, but we were happy, that's what mattered.
I went to the table to grab drinks. "Don't-" Keith interrupted.
"Why?"
"I don't handle Alchol well" He replied.
"Don't worry, I'll take you home and stay sober" I said genuinely.
"I'll get hammered"
"So?" I turned around. "Keith, it's a party, and you don't go to many of those, have some fun" I handed him a beer.
"Lance you-"
"It's fine, I'll stop you from doing stupid stuff" I giggled.
"Alright" He agreed, taking a sip of beer.
"Let's go to the backyard" I pulled Keith with me, there was a pool out there and a couple of drunks swimming in it.
"I'm gonna go get another drink" Keith went back.
"I just gave you one-"
"I chugged it!" He yelled back at me, going farther away to get another beer.
"Jesus-"
"He looks like fun" Someone said next to me.
"I hope not-" I turned to see Natalia.
"Have you guys done it?" She pondered to me.
"No, though it's not any of your business is it?" I glared.
"Not really, no, but I'm kinda over my boyfriend"
"I'm not taking you back" I cut her off.
"Wow, rude"
"Rude of you to use me as a rebound and try to get me to cheat on my boyfriend" I snapped.
"Baby?" Keith came between us, pouting softly, he was already buzzed and I could tell.
"Hey" I said softly, hugging around him.
"Welp, I'm gonna head back to Bryan, bye" Natalia waved off.
"Bye" I scoffed.
"You're mad" He giggled, nuzzling in my neck.
"How many drinks have you had on the way here?"
"Three" He mumbled.
"Christ-"
"I told you I can't handle my alcohol" He kissed me, it tasted like beer.
"You reek" I pinched my nose.
"Don't be mean" He baby voiced.
I watched him drink down the alcohol, a whole 'nother cup down.
"Can you tube?" I asked.
"Yeah" He laughed. "Is that a challenge?" He smirked.
"Not really, I don't want you hammered"
"But you said let's have some fun" He threw his hands up sarcastically.
"Not like-"
"Hey, anyone got a funnel and a pipe?" He yelled.
"Keith, please, you're gonna hurt in the morning-"
"Sounds like a problem for future Keith" He giggled.
"Keith, seriously-"
They brought out some bendy pipe and a funnel, I shook my head in disappointment. I knew Keith went to stoner parties in freshman year and got drunk to shit, but I never realized it was like this.
"Chugg! Chugg! Chugg!" People yelled out.
"Holy shit dude, I'm not gay but I'd let him cut me in half" Someone said next to me.
"He's my boyfriend" I intervened.
"He's super cool" They elbowed me.
I watched Keith, I was really nervous, but he finished every last drop. He had to be drunk now, even hammered. He got up from the chair and wobbled.
"Keith-" I ran over and helped.
"I love you so much" He smiled.
"I love you too" I said, he was drunk, super drunk.
"You're so beautiful, and soft" He ran his fingers up my shirt.
"Keith, listen to me, by all means I will not sleep with you" I made it clear.
"I don't care, he didn't care" He teared up.
"Don't say stuff like that!"
"So? it's true, I let him fuck me, bent over for him, let his friends do the same-"
"Stop-" I warned.
"But with you-" He giggled. "I forget about everything, I forget about how he treated me, how I was raped, I forget it all" He paused.
"You're drunk"
"So? It helps panic attacks, I don't think, I just, do what I want!" He tripped a little.
"Listen-"
"No! You lisssteen!" He cut me off. "I love you, and I want you inside me" He poked my chest aggressively.
"Keith, this isn't consent" I tried to explain.
"I'm giving consent!" He hit my chest.
"No, you're drunk"
"Yeah, and I won't have any attacks while you're making love to me" He breathed.
"I don't want this to be this way"
"I want it!" He yelled, upset.
"I love you" I said, sighing softly. "But I can't.
"Then take me home" He started crying.
"Okay" I tried to grab his hand.
"Don't touch meee!" He cried harder.
"Okay" I mumbled, we headed through the party.
"Leaving so soon?" My friend asked.
"Keith got too drunk, taking him home"
"Alright, understand, see you at school on friday!"
"See you" I got out the house, the sound of music base blaring from it, Keith got in the passenger seat, angry.
"I'm sorry" I said to him, after I got in the driver's seat.
"You don't understand" He cried hard. "This is the only time I feel calm enough to be with you" He hiccuped.
"You'll forget"
"Keep it that way" He said. "Please" He begged. "Please, Lance"
"I'll loose your trust"
"You could never do that" He cupped my face. "I think you're a sweetheart" He kissed my cheek."You know, I masturbate to you" He said.
"Keith-"
"I think of how gentle you would be, how loving, gosh, it's such a turn on" He said. "Do you fantasize about me?"
I didn't want to admit it. "Yeah, most of the time"
"I bet that time you touched me is the part that gets you" He giggled, and bit his lip.
"It does" I admitted.
"Me moaning your name, squirming around to find a sense in myself" He breathed out.
"Stop"
"You're hard" He touched my crotch.
"No" I pulled away his hand, but he put it right back touching me, I didn't want to say no, my heart was beaming yes, but my head said this was a wrong decision.
"You're big" He kissed my neck.
"Stop" I moaned.
"Why are you saying stop when you know you want this" He whispered in my ear.
"Because I care about you, I love you, but this is wrong!" I cried, pushing him off.
"I don't care!" He yelled, "I just want you, I can't stop, It's all I think about now, even when I'm sober" He said.
"Keith-"
"You're so fucking stupid, I hate it" He cried, "Just take us home" He looked out the window.
I started the car and drove to the house, getting out of the car, Keith stayed in.
"Please" I opened his door.
"Fuck you"
"I love you" I said.
"Stop that"
"What?"
"Making me feel like a rapist"
I didn't mean to roll my eyes but I did, "Keith, don't-" I got angry. "You are not a fucking rapist" I snapped, "You're just being such a- " I stopped.
"Bitch" He finished the sentence. "I get it" He pushed me away and tripped on his foot, I caught him.
"Look at me" I picked him up. "I know you want this, but I'm not going to until you're sober" I said, "If you give me consent, and not under the influence, I will, I love you so much... And I would gladly make love to you" I paused. "But I can't-"
He scoffed. "So you'll fuck me when I'm crazy but not calm" He walked away.
"You're acting crazy!" I yelled back.
"Because I want your dick!" He yelled.
"Neighbors!" I mentioned around.
"So? I want what I want!" He went in the house, I sighed and followed in.
He went upstairs, and slammed the door, luckily my parents were at a friends house. "Keith-"
I knocked on my door, opening it, he was huddled all in my blankets, crying.
"Oh, Keith" I sighed, sitting on the bed.
"I want you" He cried, "So bad, I want to forget" He got up.
"Keith" I cupped his face.
"You're so gorgeous" He mumbled, kissing me softly.
I kissed back and pulled him closer, he sat in my lap, wrapping his legs and arms around me.
"I love you" I kissed his cheek, he rubbed against my boner.
"You feel good"
"I don't-"
"Please, Please, Please Lance" He begged so hard.
"If I do this, you can't hate me"
"I could never hate you" He rubbed harder, I choked on my breath.
"Fuck-"
"I wanna see you" He pulled down my pants, I breathed out, the tightness of my pants were free.
He bent down softly. "You are big-" He wide-eyed.
"Sorry-"
He rubbed my dick through my boxers. "Is it okay if I put it in my mouth?" He asked.
"Yes" I answered, He pulled down my boxers, I was fully naked in front of him, I kicked off my shoes.
"You're gonna break me" He timidly said.
"I hope not"
"I hope so" He lustfully said.
"Keith-"
"I'm semi-sober right now..."
"Okay?"
"And I still want you" He went up and kissed me, jerking me off gently.
I moaned through our kiss, cupping his face gently, he let go and have me a hickey, kissing the tip of my dick, I've dreamed about this, vivid dreams.
He sucked hard on my dick, my eyes rolled into the back of my skull, my hands reaching to his hair, my hips rhythmed with his bobbing.
He coughed, coughed hard, I accidentally came. "Sorry-"
"It's fine, now I can prep myself" He murmured, getting out my lube, undressing, he was really concentrating.
"Breathe" I told him, holding him close as he fingered himself.
"Can you do it?" He asked.
"Do you want me to?"
"You're so sweet..." He paused, wiping lube on my fingers. "But yes"
I entered both, trying to be as gentle as I can, not to hurt him.
"Harder, It's alright" He moaned.
"Mkay" I did so, his head was buried in my shoulder, moans softening through his lips.
"Fuck!" He cried, breathing rapidly.
"Feel good?"
"Yes" He said.
I stopped and pulled my fingers out, he gulped softly.
"I heard it was the easiest to to it from the back" I said.
Keith nodded, getting on his hands and knees, if I did this, I'd loose my virginity to Keith. Was it a good decision? If I truly went through, what if he leaves me? What if this whole time he's been pretending?
"I love you" He said, my doubts were gone, "Lance" He finished.
I pushed in gently, trying to be as careful as I could, Keith looked okay, so I kept going, bottoming out to my pelvic bone, he felt so good, so soft.
"Keith, I love you too" I said, no response.
I freaked out, pulling out slowly, I pulled Keith into my arms, he was numb, emotionally numb.
"Keith, please" I begged, I knew this was a bad idea, his eyes weren't even blinking, he was in such shock.
"Keith, Mi Amor, I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't-"
"Stop" He teared out, "Please don't hurt me" He begged.
"I'd never hurt you" I cried in his chest.
He looked back and fourth, sighing out as he cried.
"I love you, please" I kissed him, he timidly wrapped his arms around me, holding me as he gently cried.
"Please stop, make it stop" He whined as tears ran down my chest.
"Shh" I rubbed his back, putting a blanket around us.
"Stop-" He cried harder, "I don't want it, make him stop!" He screamed loudly, "I don't want to!!" He screamed higher.
"Keith" I tried shaking him, "He's not here, he's not"
"Stop!" He hiccuped, Veronica bursted through the door.
"What is going on?" She asked.
"I didn't mean for this to happen" I cried, "I-"
"What did you do?" She snapped.
"We were fine, Keith was fine, he consented... I tried-"
"You tried what?"
"To have sex, I-....He freaked out, I went as gentle as I could, I care about him, I'd never hurt him, you know this-"
"Lance" He nuzzled my neck.
Veronica sighed out, "Lance, you need to be extra careful" She said.
"I was!" I snapped. "I went as slow as I could. "He said he was ready, he was gonna be fine"
"You can't rely in that, look at him, you're the only one he loves, he cares about... He trusts you" She shook her head. "You have to get him out of that mindset, you know no one else can" She shut the door behind her.
I felt guilty, Keith was scrambling against memories, hurtful memories.
"Keith, listen to me, I love you, I'd never hurt you" I brushed through his hair.
"Lance" He whined.
"You're not there, we're here, and you're freaking me out... I need you to calm down" I whispered, "I love you"
He scrunched his eyes and listened to my heartbeat, slowly, after pleading him to come back, he was conscious.
"I ruined it" He claimed. "My memories ruined it!" He yelled.
"It's fine, I'm glad you're safe"
"I want you!" He cried, "But I can't-" He teared out.
"Shhhh, It's okay"
"It's not okay, I'm supposed to have sex, I'm supposed to have a normal relationship!" He groaned as he wept. "I want that!" He cried so hard his lips puffed out.
"I want you too" I said, kissing him.
"I'm sorry" He said sadly.
"We don't need sex to be happy, we can do what you're comfortable with"
Keith gulped up tears. "Are you gonna be happy like 'this' in 10 years?" He asked.
"Yes" I answered.
"I'm not happy with myself like this in 10 years" He looked away.
Keith really wanted this, wanted to feel normal in a relationship, sexually. He wanted it so bad, he wasn't even drunk anymore, the alcohol was far out of his system. I tried to think of a way, my head swirled with thoughts.
"What if I was on the bottom?" I offered.
"Huh?" Keith asked.
"What if you had sex with me?" I asked.
Keith thought about it, "That, could work" He laughed. "Why are you a dumbass until we need a solution?"
"I don't know"
"But, what about you being top?"
I straight up laughed, "I don't care about that, I love you, that's all that matters!" I smiled softly. "You're mine, I'm yours, that's the deal"
He smiled, "I love you so much you have no idea" He kissed me, I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Don't think of yourself as a 'woman' in our relationship, you're just as much of a man as me" I cupped his face.
He giggled, kissing me more, my cheeks heating up softly, we were still naked, holding eachother.
"I still want you, I still give my consent" He said. "I know I want this, with you"
"I do too" I kissed him harder, wrapping my arms around him.
He kissed my neck, the lube we had, dried up on ourselves long ago. "Do you want me to prep you?"
"You can" I shrugged.
"Okay" He grabbed the bottle, spreading it across his fingers.
He entered two, it felt okay, well, I had dildos and stuff so, two fingers-
"Ah!" I moaned out.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes" I bit my lip, he hooked his fingers again. "Fuck!" I moaned again.
"Does it feel good?"
I nodded my head shakily, "Mnn"
"Oh" He smiled, hooking over and over again, he was testing me.
"Please" I whined, I was gonna cum hard if he didn't stop.
"You're so pretty" He jerked me off.
"Fuck-" I breathed out, cumming.
"That was fast-"
"It felt really good" I looked in his eyes.
He ran lube over his dick, "Are you ready?"
"Yeah" I smiled.
-
I came back in with some snacks, looking over at Keith, he got up and hugged me.
"Thank goodness"
"What?"
"I thought you ran off..."
"Why would I do that?"
"Last night... What, happened? I remember some of it, but my head hurts so bad"
"I'll explain later, lets get you some pills" I said.
When I woke up this morning, all I could smell was lavender, sweet lavender... And I wondered what had connected us, what made us this way...
-
Our relationship since then has gotten so much better, sexually, romantically, and platonically. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to burst, every moment feels like it counts.
"Babe" I murmered, "Do you have the math assignment done?"
"You know you can't always just use me right?"
"Boyfriend rights" I argued.
"Hmm, suck my dick and I'll think about it" He snobbily laughed.
"I was gonna do that anyways"
"It was a joke" He handed me the assignment.
"Well, I wasn't joking" I teased.
"Gosh" He blushed red to his ears.
"You know you love me"
"I do" He regretfully sighed.
"Don't sound disappointed, you're the love of my life" I whined.
"Yeah, Yeah" He huffed.
"Now you owe me kissies" I demanded.
"Nope"
"Yes!" I whined.
"Alright" He wheeled over in his chair and gave me a kiss.
The doorbell ringed.
"I'll get it" Veronica called out.
I peppered kisses on Keith, "Wub you" I pet through his hair.
"Keith! Someone's at the door for you!" Veronica called out.
Me and Keith got up and went out downstairs.
"Thank you so much" A deep voice said.
Me and Keith got into the kitchen, the guy was soaking wet from the rain, and was covered in a coat.
"Keith?" He asked, taking off his jacket. "Is that you?"
"Takashi?"
-