Chapter 15: Where We Gonna Go From Here?
"Self-love is not selfish; You cannot truly love someone until you know how to love yourself."
April 15th
"How was it?"
His voice is quiet. We've been sitting for a few minutes since I finished reading the letter. I glance down at our hands where he is rubbing his thumb in soothing circles on mine. He starts to pull away when he sees me staring but I squeeze his hand because right now, that is the only thing that is keeping me anchored.
"I feel better." I tell Tyler because there are no other words I can think of to explain. I can't say that I feel at peace because that will take time but I understand a little more.
I'm beginning to realize that perhaps my father wasn't as bad as I was making him out to be. He was a man who had demons and regrets that none of us will ever make sense of fully. I feel better though.
"I'm glad." He says softly and I can't help it - I lean in to kiss him.
But he stops me.
"I don't think it's a good idea right now." He tells me quietly and I blush, feeling embarrassed.
"It's not that I don't want to, I just -" He begins but I cut him off, standing up quickly.
"No, it's alright. I understand." I force a smile but it feels so fake. "I'll see you around, Tyler."
"Daisy," he says but I turn away and walk to my car with the little dignity I have left. I don't know what possessed me to do that. We're not together anymore but then again, were we ever?
May 4th
What am I doing here?
It's a question that is spinning around my head as I sit across from Caden, my neighbour. I decided to apologize to him for Tyler's behaviour by bringing him some cookies and one thing lead to another and I've found myself sitting across from him in some high-end restaurant. I feel totally out of place and I keep thinking back to my date with Tyler and how well he knew me.
"You're a million miles away."
I snap out of my thoughts and smile sheepishly at Caden. "Sorry. Just thinking about how good the food is." I lie.
"Is that all you are thinking about?" He jokes but I can see the real disappointment laying underneath his tone.
I cringe, trying to come up with another lie but he just smiles.
"I get it. Dating after a break-up isn't easy."
'Tyler and I weren't ever a couple' I want to say but Tyler has me stuck in this lie.
"Yeah, it's not easy." I agree.
"I thought we could catch a movie after dinner?" He offers and I sigh inwardly because going to a movie is the last thing I want but I agree and then find myself sitting in the dark movie theatre where Caden is trying to make a move on me like some dumb, awkward teenager. When his hand lands on my thigh I jump and then excuse myself, telling him I have to go to the washroom. He looks disappointed but nods.
I make my way out of the theatre quickly but slow down once I'm past the doors, wanting to drag my trip as long as possible. There are people loitering in the lobby, some leaving one of the theaters and others going in or buying tickets.
I find my way to the washroom but before I go in, I freeze when I see Tyler sitting by himself on a bench. He's trying to blend in but I could pick him out from anywhere.
I consider just sneaking past him but instead I find dumb butt standing in front of him. His head shoots up and he looks surprised to see me which I don't blame him for.
"Hey," I say and he smiles.
"Hey." He pats the seat next to me so I sit down on the bench. "Here for a movie?"
"No, I was actually looking for the circus. Think you can point me in the right direction?"
He laughs and shakes his head. "Afraid you're in the wrong place."
"What about you?"
He shifts uncomfortably. "Ah, I'm here on a date, actually."
Instead of sadness, a wave of relief washes over me because I feel less guilty. But then confusion steps in.
"Then why are you sitting out here?"
He looks even more uncomfortable but I nudge him with my elbow.
"She was trying to feel me up." He mutters and I raise my eyebrows.
"What? You weren't enjoying it?" I tease but also a little confused.
"Not who I wish was doing it." He says but then pales. "Wait, I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
I laugh. "Too late."
He grumbles under his breath something I can't pick out and then turns his attention to me. "Why are you here?"
I figure we're laying it all out on the table now so I tell him the truth.
"I'm on a date."
He raises an eyebrow. "But you're sitting out here with me. Why?"
I feel as uncomfortable as he must have felt earlier but I don't want to lie.
"He was trying to make a move on me."
He's trying to hide a smile but not very well. "Didn't like it?"
I don't know what comes over me but I suddenly feel brazen so I look him in the eyes and say, "not who I wanted it to be."
I expect him to be shocked but he just smirks that smirk I am surprised I have been missing.
"Wanna get out of here?"
"Isn't that mean? Like, the low of lows."
He gives me a dry look. "You're telling me that you've never bailed on a date?"
"Maybe when I was fifteen! We're adults now! Well, I'm an adult."
He scowls. "Funny." Then he shrugs. "I'm leaving, come if you want."
I watch him stand up and start to walk away. Do I really want to go back in the theatre with Caden and have to tough my way through the movie? Not really.
I sigh and stand up, jogging to catch up with Tyler. He looks triumphant but doesn't say anything, just takes my hand in his and pulls me outside.
I follow without hesitation.
***
"Who was he?"
I turn to look at Tyler. It's around eleven at night and we're laying on his back patio on a mountain of blankets and pillows. It was his idea to lay outside and watch the stars and I begin to realize that he's more of a romantic than I ever expected.
"My neighbour. You know, the one you scared off."
He scoffs. "That guy? Seriously?"
"Who was she?" I ask sharply and he shrugs.
"Sam? No wait... Sara."
"You can't even remember her name?"
He doesn't answer and I roll my eyes but part of me is pleased because it means he wasn't really that interested in her. I would never admit that to him though.
"Can I ask you something?" I say and he rolls over to face me.
"Yeah, of course."
I turn to look at him and am surprised to see how close he is. His brown eyes always take my breath away no matter how many times I have looked into them.
"Why wouldn't you kiss me?" I whisper, feeling foolish for asking but it's been bothering me. Not necessarily because he rejected me, but it bothers me that I don't know why.
He studies me for a minute before leaning in and kissing me quickly and without emotion.
"You only did that because I asked," I say and he grimaces.
"I thought that when you went to kiss me after you read that letter, you were sad and wanted comfort." He says. "I didn't want to take advantage of that."
I consider his words for a few moments. He might be right but I don't want to admit that, because it would mean that I was using him.
"So was I right?" He asks.
"I don't know." I admit and he looks disappointed at my answer.
"I think that the both of us have a lot to work out before we can be together." He says and although it upsets me, I know that he's right.
And now I finally understand. I won't be good at relationships until I am in a good relationship with myself.