note// if you don't cry i don't know man. u need a heater in ur soul
the melody of the song on the side just makes me cry when writing this so listen pls
Harry;
John kept looking back at me the entire ride to God know's where. I had my arms crossed over my chest, staring out the window in deep thought while he would cautiously check the locks on my door or something. He's doing his job, I understand. But, I'm not that horrible. And what in the fucking world would possess me to jump out the car? Especially at our speed.
"I'm not going to pull out a knife and murder you, John. You can stop looking like you're sitting next to a ticking bomb." I dryly told him, staring at the road ahead of us.
He sighed, shaking his head. His hands grasped the steering wheel tighter. "I'm just trying to ensure our safety. Don't want you making any rash decisions, Harry." I rolled my eyes at his words, which he glanced at me for with a frown. "No, not that I think you're a bad kid. I mean, you've done a lot of shit. But I still think you're a good kid at heart."
I looked over at him, squinting my eyes. "Did my mother tell you to say that?"
"Maybe," he laughed. When he turned and saw I wasn't laughing, he stopped and stared with concern. "Alright, that wasn't funny. But no, she didn't. I'm saying it because I just like you, you know. And so is my kid. He's troubled. I should have been there for him, really." John rambled.
"What's the point of this, John?" I asked, almost impatient to know what he's trying to say here.
"I'm trying to say," he inhaled, watching the road carefully at the same time, "That everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is a fuck up, Harry. Your mother told me how you feel, and I don't see a bad kid. I see a kid who's gone through a lot of shit."
My silence hadn't made things worse, nor did it better the situation. I just stared at my lap, frowning in deep thought about my life. I've told myself many times to not go back into that part of my mind, but apparently everyone wants me to. Everyone wants me to think back and realize that those mistakes made me who I am.
"Where are we going?" I finally inquired, looking out into the window. "How was I even allowed to leave?"
"The judge agreed that this will help with your conduct. And I think so, too. This will be good for you."
I leaned into my seat with another heavy sigh. The second I saw the building, with the sign I could easily make out, my draw dropped open. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach, the color faded from my face within seconds of recognition.
At first I couldn't believe my mother would ever suggest this. I couldn't even breathe right now from the anguish in my stomach. I snapped my head in John's direction. With eyes wide and my jaw clenched, I spat out, "I'm not going in there."
"Harry, this is mandatory."
"No! I'm not going there! Turn this fucking car around right now --"
His voice could have broken windows with its volume. "Harry Edward Styles, you're going to get out of this car and you're going to walk your ass into that building! This is for you! We're doing this for you! I took time out of my day to drive you here for half an hour! So, I'm sorry boy, but regardless you're going inside!"
Inside of me, it was like my soul and hope faltered, whatever was left of it. I hated this man with a passion. There was such a tough grip around my heart, squeezing it so barely any oxygen made its way into my blood. My hands were cold and warm at the same time, and my head was light.
I wasn't about to have a panic attack in here, so I opened the door and slammed it closed the second we parked. John lead me inside of the building, my skin growing goosebumps along the way. A man at the security gates checked me for anything dangerous in my possession. I spread my arms and legs as instructed, waiting until he had finished checking me.
When he said everything was all set, I followed John deeper into a hallway. A shaky breath rumbled through me as we opened a door and there were windows, phones connected to the walls on the side. A row of chairs on each set, and the same display on the other side of the glass.
"Go ahead, Harry," John softly urged me. "I'll be outside if you need me. There are also guards so please don't do anything you'll regret." I didn't answer him. I stared at everything before me with a glare. "I know you hate me right now for making you do this, but just relax."
I took a seat; the one in the middle. There weren't any other people visiting at this time of day. I let myself breathe deeply before I saw movement on the other side. My eyes glanced up and there I saw the man I had despised for the longest years of my life. For the longest time, I had felt so much hatred for the man dressed in orange now. He had tattoos up his neck and all down his arms.
Reason number one I never tatted myself completely.
He had gotten older, his skin a little pale from the lack of sleep. There were bags beneath his eyes, making him seem much older and much more crushed than I had imagined. He still had that muscle on him. He probably worked out here, too. I wouldn't doubt it.
We made eye contact for the first time in five or six years. I don't know, I had lost count. I let my jaw tightened, my stomach swirling with anxiety. I wanted to smash the window and tackle him down, show him how much he means to me. That piece of fucking trash.
I watched as he slowly took a seat across from me, only the bulletproof glass keeping us from embarking on a full fist fight. His eyes were grey, unlike mine. I had gotten my eyes from my mother. Thank god. But, I might have gotten the worse part from my father. I've gained his experiences.
"Hello, Harry," he spoke deeply into the phone. I haven't heard his voice in so many years, but it still sounded the same. It sounded like my horror and the sound of my despair.
The muscles in my mouth wouldn't move as I tried to make words. Instead, I ended up clenching my jaw further, inhaling sharply. I fixed the telephone to my ear.
I heard him sigh heavily. "You've grown a lot. Turned out to be really handsome. Your mom told me you had a girlfriend," he tried to make conversation, "She says she's a beautiful girl. I'm glad you've found someone, son, I --"
"Cut the shit," I spat out, feeling my chest tighten. "Just tell me what you want to say."
He rubbed his chin, which was covered by a growing beard. The glare on my face hadn't faltered yet as I watched him.
"I've heard you've been getting into a lot of trouble these past years. You're mother wanted me to talk to you. See if I could convince you to straighten out a bit," he shrugged carelessly.
I moved my jaw around in anger. Then, I bit out, "I really don't need your advice."
"Listen, son --"
My hand slammed hard against the glass. Thankfully, it didn't broken. "Don't call me your son!" I yelled, feeling the stinging appear in my eyes. "I haven't been anything to you for the past six years. Especially not your son."
Des's nostrils flared alike to mine. "I only agreed to this because I still want to hear of you, and you haven't bothered at all to come visit me."
"Oh, and you've somehow hadn't had the time to call me? Or tell me that night that you wouldn't be coming back home!? For six fucking years?!" I roared, my throat burning and my eyes prickling with tears. The act of crying was so foreign to me. It hadn't happened in so many years.
"Harry, I can only do so much! I can only apologize for being terrible with you. I don't know what to say exactly to you. I know you're angry --"
"Of course, I am! I didn't even want to come here! You never cared about me at all so just fucking admit it, damn it. We won't have to sit together for another minute. Tell me how fucking pathetic I am, what a failure --"
He stood from his chair, looking livid. "I don't want you to end up like me!" He screamed, the vein in his neck becoming prominent from the fury.
I sat there with a single tear rolling down my cheek.
Des breathed loudly before being told to sit back down. He did so slowly, staring at me with anger and stress. "There are so many things you can do Harry, especially with the money you have and the potential you can reach. And that's coming from your shit dad. I fucked up, but I don't want you fucking up the last time. And never seeing that girlfriend of yours. Never, ever being able to carry Belle, your sister. You'll never see your mother again, or hold her. They'll lock you up for good, Harry."
He pointed to his heart, slamming his fist against the area with anger. "In here, the regret consumed my heart. I'm just a mush of anger here. Nothing special. Until I die. Even then, I'm sure your mother will be the only one showing up at my funeral. God, you have no idea how much I hate myself."
I was silent, fully crying now. I couldn't help it. There was so much pain being stacked upon stacks of emotion throughout the years.
"Do you want to feel like that? I don't fucking think so, Harry. Stop acting like you don't give a shit and live your life!" He snapped.
I shakily inhaled, trying desperately to stop the sobs. "You were a pathetic excuse for a father. You have no idea how much it hurt to sit for hours in my bedroom, tossing around that same fucking football we’d throw around and waiting for the years to go by so dad can come back." The tears blurred my vision at this point.
"I fucked up," is all he said, repeating himself. "Really bad. And this is the last thing your mother wants for you. I bet your girlfriend won't want to hear that you're stuck in here for life. Because trust me, the second she finds someone better she won't come back here to visit you."
"Be a fucking man, Harry. Grow the fuck up. It's time to drop those games. You're turning twenty. Time to get serious about your future. If you didn't have all that money because of your mother, you'd be in tough shape." He pointed his finger at me as he spoke.
A sob shook my body as I went to wipe my tears. "Why did you do that to our family? Why did you have to ruin everything?" I looked up at him, shaking my head.
"It's all my fault. I know. I didn't have people telling me get my life together. Anne had no clue what I was doing. But the truth is now. I can't let you do this to yourself."
That's when I put the phone back in its place, and stood up. I turned my back on him and walked out through the door. John stood almost immediately, and his face was pure concern for the fact that I was still crying.
I cried for the most part on the way home. As we passed a familiar street, I stopped him and said, "I need to go to one more place. Can you turn down this street?"
Serenity;
The dinner table was filled with laughs for one of the only times in a long time. Willie had been cracking jokes he learned from dad today, and even though they were corny, it was cute coming from him. I sliced up a piece of chicken when the doorbell rang.
I bit the slice before announcing, "I got it."
Pushing the chair back in its original place, I went off to open the front door. Just as I twisted the doorknob, I heard sniffling and what sounded like crying. I hurriedly pulled it open all the way already assuming it was Elliot when I was met face to face with Harry's pair of green eyes.
They were red, puffy, and swollen from his crying. My eyes widened in horror with so many things flying into my head at once, but the only thing I registered were my arms, that threw themselves around him in impulse. He buried his face into my neck, his sobs increasing as I tried my best to keep myself from tearing up.
I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. Never seeing Harry cry before, not even shed a tear, this new experience made me want to join his sobs.
He pulled away to look at my face. His cheeks were pink, and his nose was nearly matching the color. Between a sob, he spat out, "I don't want to lose you because I can't do anything right."
My eyes began to sting from tears. I placed my hand on his chest, "Harry," I breathed, "What are you talking about?" I shook my head. "You'll never lose me."
Harry shook his head, the desperate look in his eyes was tearing me limb by limb. "I'm gonna lose Belle...," he sobbed. "And you, and my mum. Because I'm a screw up."
"No," I sniffled. "No you won't. Please, just relax, Harry." I whispered gently, pulling him to me again. He wrapped his arms around my waist, finally finding the strength to even embrace me. I ran a hand through his hair, the other rubbing his back as I tried to calm him.
Inside, my heart was ripped to shreds. Only because I was seeing him like this for the first time.
"What's going on here?" I heard my mother ask, the sound of her footsteps nearing. When I finally heard them stop, she was standing a few feet from us with a concerned frown. Her eyes darted to me with questioning. I only shook my head and continued to comfort Harry.
My father was next to appear. He watched in a bit of astonishment. It's like it was a surprise Harry had feelings.
Harry, not aware of the presence of my parents since he was facing away from them and not hearing my mother's voice, grabbed my face with both of his hands and kissed me. I tasted his salty tears, but hadn't minded as I began to kiss back. I pulled away for the sake of my parents. That's when Harry sniffled out, "I love you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry for being stubborn w-when all you were doing was caring for m-me."
I stood on my toes, placing a little kiss on his cheek. "I love you, too. Okay? Don't ever think you'll lose me that easily."
"Harry," a man called from the open door. I recognized him as the officer that had arrested Harry. "I need to check you back into the station. I'm sorry about interrupting, but if he takes too long they'll have a fit."
Harry had glanced at the man before look back at me. "Come with me? Please. I need you," he leaned his forehead against mine, placing a soft peck on my lips.
"Of course, just give me a second. I'll be right there."
With that, he nodded and pulled away from me. The officer sent me a small smile before walking towards the car with Harry.
I turned to my parents and breathed out, "I'm sorry. I know we were planning to watch a movie together tonight, but this is really important to me, and I really don't want you guys to be angry and --"
"Spiderman! Spiderman!" Willie screamed, rushing outside behind Harry. In the distance, I heard him exclaim, "Superheroes don't cry!"
My mother left me with a concerned look before going to get Willie away from the two men outside. I was left with my father who shook his head and said, "Go. This is important to you so I'm giving you my permission to go."
I ran to hug him, muttering multiple thank yous before rushing outside. Mother managed to rip Willie away from Harry, who actually grinned down at the little kid. As my mother walked by me, she muttered, "We all need to go to church tomorrow."
note// i cried. im not man enough. i cried while writing this.